I stared at the other autographs. I couldn’t join them. I shook my head.
“Sherry,” Adam said. “When your old man is a boring lawyer, there’s not much he can do to impress you. But if I come home with your autograph, I will receive the respect and admiration that I so richly deserve—for at least ten minutes. Please.”
In my perfect penmanship, I signed both near the bottom, away from the others but still on the same page.
I jogged around the Central Park reservoir, feeling so alone that I couldn’t stop crying. I wasn’t sure how I could go on. Classes hadn’t started yet and my life only involved work and group. I worked all the overtime I could get and religiously went to group on Friday night. Weighing on my mind was the Wildcats’ celebration party the following Saturday. I wanted desperately to go, and to stay away. Being in a bar was courting disaster again but I longed to be with the Wildcats one last time. Since only the team was going, I wouldn’t have to worry about some creep spiking my drinks.
At the Shamrock after group, I confided to Elaine, “I really can’t risk going to a bar.”
Elaine laughed. “I wouldn’t exactly call Gianni’s, one of New York’s finest and most expensive restaurants, a bar. But can you go the whole night without drinking?”
I nodded. “I may not be the brightest girl in the world but I’m not dumb enough to make that mistake again.”
Elaine shrugged and smiled, “Well, from what I saw of those women, about the only person you’ll ever have to worry about is you, and a change of geography isn’t going to help that. Why don’t you go and have a good time, and call me when you get home?”
The following night for a half-hour I paced back and forth across the street from Gianni’s, torn between feeling too ashamed to go in and wanting desperately to be with the team, if only for one more night. I felt physical pain from just knowing that I wouldn’t see them again until the following summer.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and crossed the street, hoping to sneak in without anyone noticing me. It didn’t happen. As soon as I entered, Darcy, looking gorgeous as always, cried out, “Sherry’s here.” The room burst into a loud cheer. Although embarrassed, I loved feeling their warmth. I had half-expected them to jeer me. There was something strange about the cheer though, and I couldn’t figure out why.
Darcy hugged me. “Don’t let it go to your head,” she said. “We’ve cheered everyone who scored a goal.”
Darcy sipped on her drink and then it hit me. They were all drinking water! I couldn’t believe it! Darcy noticed my incredulous look and nodded. “We’re all on the wagon tonight, in honor of you.”
I was horrified! No! I didn’t want that! For them not to have the best time possible, just because of me. I felt sick! “No, please,” I blurted out, on the verge of tears. “Please.”
“It’s okay,” Darcy informed me. “We’re okay with it.”
“No. Please!” I repeated. “If you were paying, maybe okay, then,” I stammered, trying lamely to make a joke of it. “But it’s all free, right?”
Darcy hesitated and looked at me for a moment. She glanced at Paula, who also hesitated and then nodded. Darcy called out, “Gianni! Wine all around.” Then she smiled and added, “And a Diet Pepsi for my good friend.” Everyone cheered again.
It felt so good to be part of them again. As people moved around the room, hugging each other and laughing, I mainly stayed neared the door. Then I found myself facing Paula. I hadn’t spoken to her since the previous Saturday. While jogging, I had practiced so many times what I would say to her, about how special she was to me and how much I had loved her for standing up to that asshole. But the only four words came out of my mouth. “Thank you. I’m sorry.”
Paula looked surprised. “For what? I should be apologizing to you, for bulldozing you into a bar full bastards and then not watching out for you.”
“But you saved me.”
“Yeah. Well, I guess, as always, the only score that matters is the final one. I’ll just have to go though life regretting that I let him off when we had the perfect chance to castrate that fool.”
“Hey,” I said, genuinely. “He didn’t exactly deserve that.”
“Well, it wouldn’t have only been for you but probably about half of the women in this room.” She sighed, smiled mischievously, and then whispered, “Trust me on this one. He’s a lousy lay.”
We both burst out laughing and hugged. I loved her so much. I loved them all.
“I have something for you.” She handed me a manila envelope, saying, “The Daily News photographer liked this shot better but they didn’t go with it. I agree with him.” She pulled out a glossy photo of me looking like I was levitating above the ground, my feet seemingly extended straight out of my legs as my toes grazed the ball to score that last tying goal. On the back was written. “This is the best shot I have ever seen. Ever.” Christine Cane.
Under hers were other names. Paula said, “We all signed it, and agree.” Barely holding back tears, I embraced her again.
I ended up having a great time and got to really know several of the women.
Darcy teased me about being the team’s new “star” and I blushed. I confided to her that I now knew why Paula had me kick last. “You guys all have million-page scrap books. This was a chance for me to have a little one.”
Darcy laughed. “Sherry, that’s BS. Paula plays, and coaches, to win, period. It was just your basic Paula mindfuck. They’d been seeing the rest of us for years. So if Paula put you last, it meant that you were as good, or better, than the rest of us.”
“Better!” I gasped. How could anyone think that without laughing?
“Paula wouldn’t have done it, if she didn’t think you could handle it,” Darcy insisted. She sipped her drink and added, “Flash, you kicked fifth, when absolutely everything was on the line. And you drilled it. You’re a winner, Sherry. Deal with it.”
I wanted her to be right, just like I hoped that one day their winning style would wear off on me. The more I was with them the more I wanted to be like them. But I knew better. “Maybe my feet aren’t losers,” I replied, “but I haven’t a clue about how to translate kicking a ball into some kind of successful life.”
“Sherry, all of life is basically the same. You decide on your goals and then you just work you ass off until you score them.” She shook her head. “Paula says if she’s ever in a room with whomever red-carded your life, she’s going to have a few choice words. If I’m there, I can promise you that it’ll probably involve more than words.”
On Monday, I added one more aphorism to the bottom of my computer: ‘You’re a winner, Sherry. Deal with it.’ – Darcy Marsh.
That afternoon, CJ called. “Hi, Sherry.”
“Hi, CJ. Your dad’s in a conference but I can—.
“—That’s okay. I want to talk to you. I was wondering if you would come to our soccer practice. Our coach said she’d be thrilled.”
I hesitated. I had never thought of myself as a role model but, what the heck, I couldn’t turn them into sex addicts by just walking onto the field with them.
Apparently, I hesitated too long. CJ blurted out, “Darcy said that she would come.”
I smiled. Once again, Darcy would probably be carrying me. “Sure, I’d love to.” I said and heard a thrilled scream.
All that week, Dede had been calling me, saying that she had to talk to me. The most beautiful thing in her life had happened to her, and she also had a big decision to make and I was her top advisor. Between overtime and classes having started, I was booked solid so Dede said she’d come downtown for lunch. As I approached a pizza bar along a narrow cobblestone street, I saw Dede sipping wine at a outside table amid a mix of patrons ranging from secretaries to high-powered-looking executives all devouring great-looking pizza. She was talking to two guys and one was asking for her autograph.
“Just one of my many fans,” Dede laughed as we hugged and sat down. “So much is happening, I don’t k
now where to begin,” she exclaimed, dramatic as always. “First, I went to an audition last week for a small role in a Casey Stone movie.” Her breathless delivery let me know that I should be dutifully impressed but of course I didn’t know who Casey Stone was. “He’s won the Grand Jury Prize twice at Sundance,” Dede informed me. “This is his first big budget film.”
She paused long enough for us to order. “So he is looking at my resume and asks if I can really ride a horse and play tennis. I looked straight at him and said, ‘I’m a champion at both.’”
Dede sipped her wine. “He stares at me for a long time and then says, ‘Too bad. I was hoping you were acting.’ And at that moment.” Dede raised her hands as if she could no longer hold in the piece de resistance of the story. “At that moment, we both fell in love. I mean, we haven’t talked about it but I think that was it.”
She again sipped her wine. “We’ve been together every second since. I mean, every second. I just left him twenty-minutes ago to come here. He’s rewriting my part to make it bigger.”
She motioned to the waiter for another glass of wine. “That’s only the half of it. I just got the third callback on a sitcom. I think I’m going to get the part. It’s kind of a dumb blonde role but I really think I can do something with it. It’s shooting in Queens so I don’t have to go to the Coast. Thank God. I want to be as far away from my mother as possible. Anyway, I’m worried about ending up typed-cast even before I get started but Casey says to never turn down a good role. He also said not to worry about it because when it is over, he’ll write a role for me that will knock people’s eyes out.” Dede paused long enough to ask, “So what do you think?”
I was still trying to catch up. All I could think of to say was “Congratulations!”
She smiled and we hugged across the table. “Okay, I’ll take the role if I get it. Casey’s right, why make someone else a star.”
The wine arrived and Dede downed half of it. “And about us, he hasn’t asked me yet but depending on our schedules, I think we’ll probably get married next summer. Of course, you’ll be my maid-of-honor.”
“I’m honored.”
“Hey, you’re my sister! Of course, I did tell him that if you don’t like him the relationship is off.”
“Me?”
Dede laughed. “Hey, he’s so gorgeous and so talented that he could use a little insecurity. Beside, you’ll love him. He’s perfect.”
I told Dede about being invited to the opening of the Broadway musical and she was jealous. Although she had also been invited she would instead be with Casey in New Orleans scouting locations for his film. She promised to call as soon as she returned.
From the moment the stretch limo arrived to pick me up, I knew the night with Linda and Darcy would be magical. The Broadway musical was spectacular and sitting in the front row made me field like I was actually on the stage, and the opening night party was glorious with incredible food while we rubbed up against stars and New York’s elite society.
Afterward, Linda wasn’t ready to go home but was certain that no nightclub would let her in. “Even if I am with two gorgeous young women,” she declared.
Darcy laughed. “Linda, there is no club in this town that wouldn’t let you in, as long as this rig is parked outside.”
Linda smiled. “Then let’s go dancing.”
Darcy approached the doorman of the city’s hottest club and I thought I saw green in her palm as they shook hands. An instant later two of the doorman’s minions were escorting us to a reserved table just off the dance floor.
We danced with each other, having fun fending off men and occasionally dancing with them. But Darcy allowed no one to buy us a drink and continually kept offering to go to the bar to fetch our drinks, always unobtrusively sniffing my diet Pepsi before she handed it to me. I loved her caring for not only me but also for Linda who couldn’t stop laughing and smiling.
We finally ended the evening with a nightcap in a restaurant on top of a skyscraper looking out at the brilliant glitter and glory of New York. I felt fabulous, completely mesmerized by the evening and thrilled to spend at least one night seeing how the other half-percent lived. After we finally dropped Linda off, with her thanking us profusely for giving an “old woman the time of her life,” Darcy insisted on taking me home.
Despite indulging in only caffeine, I felt intoxicated. I confided to Darcy that I envied her having a job where she got to entertain clients in such lavish style—with them paying for it.
“You could, too,” Sherry, “if you really wanted it.”
“Right,” I replied. “Didn’t we have this conversation? About my feet being winners but the rest of my body being a pure loser—”
“—Only because you think so.” Darcy’s face lit up. “My assistant just gave me her two-week notice. She’s going to another firm to compete against me but that is the business I’m in. I had sort of promised her job to a girl at the office but I can make that up to her. How would you like the job? You’ll get a salary plus a piece of my commissions. Within six months, you should be knocking down two-fifty a year.”
I couldn’t believe it. A quarter of a million dollars! A year! I was overwhelmed, and ecstatic at the chance but I knew there was no chance. “I’d love to, but I promised Adam that I would stay with him for a year.”
Darcy shrugged it off. “I’ll take care of Adam and, trust me, if there is anyone who understands stepping on people’s toes to make a jump up, it’s Adam. I’ll come by Monday morning and talk to him. I promise you, he’ll be fine with it.” As I left the limo, I seemed to float out of it.
All weekend, I thought about the money, the things I could buy, to have my own apartment and not have to worry about being an illegal renter. To afford anything I wanted. I loved the idea. Then the doubts began to creep in. Besides the usual possible horrors, like me messing up a sale and ruining Darcy’s career, or the pressure or money or both causing me to slip, I had another reason. What about my dream of being a teacher, of helping young children whom I suspected might be being abused? Sure, I could donate to good causes, even volunteer. But I didn’t want to help kids after their lives had been ruined. I wanted to somehow try to stop the abuse. To be there the first moment it happened. Maybe I couldn’t make a difference but I wanted to try. As much as I loved the idea, I couldn’t take my dream job with Darcy. I wanted to teach.
I tried to call Darcy to tell her but I couldn’t get a hold of her and to my horror, when I arrived at work, she was already in Adam’s office.
“So I guess you are abandoning me,” Adam said with a smile.
I turned to Darcy. “I’m sorry, really. But I don’t want to leave.”
Both Darcy and Adam looked incredulous. “Are you sure?” he said. “I think this is a great opportunity.”
I nodded. “I want to go back to school. I want to teach.”
They both stared at me for a minute. Then Darcy hugged me. “You have to do what’s best for you.” She glanced at my computer monitor adorned with the aphorisms including Paula saying that I was a “champion” and Darcy saying that I was a “winner.” I was embarrassed but Darcy laughed. “Don’t ever forget who, and what, you are. Okay?”
“I’ll try.”
Darcy embraced me again. “Listen, Sherry. As long as you’re hanging out with this guy, you’re never going to need a job, but if you ever need a friend, you know my number.”
“Thank you,” I said, truly grateful.
All day, I felt relaxed, sure that I had made the right decision and that, finally, my life would become calm for a while. Of course, once again, I was wrong.
That night when I pressed the blinking light on my answering machine, I heard, “Sherry, it’s Aunt Dottie. Your Uncle Ernie had a heart attack. He died last night. The funeral is Friday. I don’t expect you to come. I just wanted you to know.”
I had sometimes wondered how I would feel when I learned that Ernie had died. Happy that, if there really was a hell, he was being fri
ed. Or angry that I was robbed of the chance to confront him. But as I listened to the message again, I only felt numb. Then suddenly, I began hyperventilating, feeling like I was going to suffocate.
When I finally got my breath back, I rushed over to see Elaine, who met me at the door. “Ernie’s dead,” I said.
“I guess I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied as she sat down on her sofa.
I paced before her. “Now, I’ll never know why he did it.”
“But you can still forgive him, Sherry.”
“Right,” I shot back. “A real strong chance of that.” I stopped and turned to her. “Don’t you think my mother should know?” I took my mother’s phone number from my pocket where it perpetually lived. I handed it to Elaine.
She held it for awhile and then with a shaky hand she returned it to me. “So call her.”
“I tried,” I insisted. “I’ve called so many times, I was afraid she’d change her number. And I’ve never said a word.”
Elaine shook her head. “I can’t.”
“Why? What is the big secret? I want to know.”
She shook her head again. “You don’t want to know.”
I suddenly started screaming. “You still don’t get it, do you? I have to know! Goddamn it, tell me!”
Elaine sat silent for a few moments. In a monotone, she began, “Your mother and I were always discreet but Rosebud is a small town. Everyone suspected, including your dad, only he didn’t believe it. But Ernie always hated that he had me first and then I went gay on him. The day you were born, he saw your mother and I kissing in celebration and he went crazy.” Her voice weakened. “He told your dad about watching us making love on the riverbank. The day we brought you home, your dad pointed a shotgun at us and told us to deny it or he’d kill us both. I denied it. Your mother wouldn’t. He stormed out.”
She paused a moment and stared at the parquet floor. “He went skeet shooting. The coroner said that the gun was pointed at his face when it accidentally discharged.” Elaine looked up at me. “Your father was the best shot in the county. He only hit what he aimed at.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “People blamed us for his death. They threatened to kill us. It was horrible. We had to leave town.” Elaine broke down, sobbing hard.
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