by BWWM Club
Debra had listened and felt her heart tighten in pity for the little boy he talked about. Memories tend to stay even when the people who evoked the memory had gone and it had a way of keeping people stuck in the past but she was determined to help him though the incredible hurt and pain of his childhood.
“I can’t erase what you went through in the past,” Debra sat up and turned in his arms, holding his face in her hands. “I would like to think that from now on we can make our own memories and it will not be like the ones you remembered from your childhood. I love you Michael and I hate it when you are hurting but at the same time I want you to talk about what’s bothering you.”
“I fell in love with you and that’s the best thing that ever happened to me,” he told her softly; taking one hand and bringing it to his lips for a kiss. “I used to think that life was going to be one long experience of me going from one woman to another and never finding out what it was to love and be loved but I have you and I can’t believe it sometimes, I am still trying to get used to it.” He smiled at her briefly. “The experiences in my childhood fade into insignificance when I am around you and remember what we have, and for that I will always be grateful to you, my love.”
“You are welcome,” she told him softly, bringing down his head to hers, meeting his lips in a searching hungry kiss that was returned with fervor.
*****
Later that night in bed after an ardent hour of lovemaking that had her snuggled into his arms and sleeping contentedly; Michael was still wide awake; his eyes staring up at the ceiling. He had told her that he was grateful to her for coming into his life and of course he had been trying with her help to forgive his mother and move on from the past but there were some instances when he wanted to lash out at her for allowing them to go through that awful period.
He sighed softly as he remembered that particular Christmas when he had not only gone to bed with his behind sore from the lashing he had gotten but he had crept down in the early hours of the morning hoping that the toy truck was magically there even though he had not seen his father with it. He had gone down to the pathetic little Christmas tree that he had helped his mother put some lights on only to find her huddled on the floor beside the tree. He had thought she was dead until he had gone over to touch her and found out that she was bleeding from her nose and her mouth and told him that she had fallen and hurt herself.
He had seen her got up slowly, cringing in pain as she went to the fridge and poured him a glass of milk and given him some cookies and watched while he ate. All the time he had wanted to reach for the kitchen knife and plunge it inside his father’s chest. That was how furious he had been and that fury had stayed with him throughout the years. Debra was right; he had to let go of the past and look to the future, a future with her in it.
Chapter 11
He marinated over it for quite some time. He had promised her that he would never keep anything from her but he had to do this by himself, he had to get it out of his system and he had to do it alone. He was still angry with her and he did not know how to stop being angry. Granted, their relationship was far better than it was before thanks to his wife but he still had issues that need to be dealt with. He had told her he had a meeting with a potential client who needed to be wined and dined and he had spoken the truth but the meeting had finished long ago, in time for him to go and visit his mother.
He sat outside in the car for several minutes, staring at the charming house that he had bought her and that she had brought his father to live in against his wish. The snow was piled up on both sides of the driveway and he made a mental note to get it cleared away. When he had bought the place, it had been more of an investment rather than a place for his mother to live and he realized now that it was way too big for one person and he was wondering if he should sell it and get her a smaller place. He was aware that the house market was on a downward spiral now and that the sensible thing to do was to wait until it went back up which should be soon. The charming two story building was in a very nice neighborhood and he had asked her if she wanted a live in maid but she had brushed it aside with a tentative smile as if not quite sure how to answer him and told him that it would be strange to have someone waiting on her hand and foot.
With an impatient sigh, he opened the door and stepped out of the car; pulling his bulky winter coat closer to ward off the cold.
She opened the door as soon as she saw through the curtain that it was him, a delighted smile on her homely face and Michael almost changed his mind about what he wanted to talk to her about. The place was warm and smelled of something wonderful like apple pie and cinnamon. Michael knew she baked for the church not too far away and was involved in some soup kitchen with Debra’s aunt.
“Michael dear how lovely to see you!” she touched him lightly on his arm and reached for his coat but he stopped her and shrugged out of it; placing it on the hanger beside the door. “Where is Debra?” she asked, looking behind him as if expecting his wife to materialize somehow.
“She is at the office,” he told her with a small smile.
“How about some hot chocolate and a slice of apple pie?” she asked hurrying back into the kitchen to retrieve what she had been baking from the oven. He started to shake his head no but he saw the hopeful look on her face and he nodded.
“I was just on the phone with Sybil and we are planning on hitting you up for some donation to the homeless shelter down the street.” She was busy slicing a big chunk of the savory pie and putting some whip cream over it before handing it to him. “They need more beds and a new stove.”
“I will see what I can do,” he told her lightly. He wished that the problem facing them was something that he could open his check book and write numbers on a piece of paper and be done with it but it was not that simple. What was? He wondered in despair.
“Can you sit for a minute?” he asked as she handed him a steaming cup of hot chocolate laced with cinnamon.
“What is it Michael?” she sat opposite him, her hands folded on the marble counter top, her blue eyes staring at him.
“I have been trying to put the past behind me, telling myself to let it go and move on but I need to know mother,” he pushed away the tasty looking pie and looked at her. “Why did you stay with him? Why didn’t you let us leave so that we could start a life without his abuse and the things he did to you? Why did after all he did to you, to us, you let him get you pregnant again and beat you so bad that you lost the child? And even after what he did you refused to have him locked up? I don’t understand, please tell me why?”
Michael felt his heart stuttered inside him as he saw the stricken expression on his mother’s face and for a minute he wondered if he had made a huge mistake by bringing up that particularly painful moment in their lives. He had crept down the stairs and found her battered and bruised and bleeding everywhere and when he had called 911 and they came to take her to the hospital, she had told them that she had fallen down the stairs and had begged him not say anything.
“Your father was my life,” Maura Tanner gazed down at her clasped hands, her mouth trembling slightly. “I was never a pretty girl and when he started noticing me I thought I was dreaming. I was glad you did not favor me but you are the exact replica of him.” She smiled absently, staring off into space. “I told myself that I was so lucky to have him in my life, I was the envy of all my friends, he was so handsome and at first he treated me as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world. You see son, I came from a home where I was told how ugly and worthless I was because of all three of us sisters, I was the plainest and with your father telling me how beautiful and sweet I was it went to my head. For the first time in my life I felt as if I was worth something.” Her hands tightened on each other.
Michael was not sure he knew what to say to her. He never knew what she went through as a child and plus what she went through married to his father, for the first time in a long time he felt the coldness around his heart shattered and dissolved.
She had been through hell!
“He started beating me when things started going wrong for him. It was always one thing or another: he lost his job, he got a demotion, he lost money at the tables, it did not matter what it was. I got the brunt of it and I was always praying that he would not start on you.” She reached out a hand blindly to him. “I tried to do everything right so that he would leave you alone but he did not. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you went through all that. He had told me he never wanted another child but when I found out I was pregnant, I thought it would change him and he would be happy but I was wrong.” Michael reached for her hands and held them between his, his hold tightening as he tried to transfer what comfort he could to her. “When he got sick I could not do anything but do my job as his wife and take care of him but the love I had had for him had died long ago.”
They sat there in silence for a while, each busy with their own thoughts, both holding on to the other as the healing process started.
“I did not know,” he said to her quietly, seeing the sheen of tears in her pale blue eyes. “I spent all those years resenting you and blaming you for putting up with his crap and wondering why you stayed with him.”
“I am not strong like you Michael,” she smiled sadly. “I never was but I always regretted not protecting you from him. Sometimes I wonder if the reason he chose me was because he saw how weak and malleable I was, I would never argue or fight back.”
“I am afraid that I am going to be like him,” he admitted ruefully. “I am afraid to have children in case some day the monster will be unleashed inside me and I hurt Debra and the child or children we make.”
“Michael no!” his mother cried out, gripping his hands tightly. “You are not like him! You never will be like him! Oh my dear son, you are one of the finest young men I know and not because you are my son, but you came out good in spite of what your father and I did to you and I thank the good Lord for that.”
They talked for a long time and with a look of surprise Michael realized that the afternoon was far gone and he had not called his wife. “I have to go now Mom but I promise that I will be seeing you soon.” He hugged her to him tightly, feeling her small frame and wishing with all his heart that he could have protected her from him.
“Run along to that beautiful wife of yours and tell her that I am longing to see her.” Maura told him softly, a genuine smile of love on her plain face.
“I will,” Michael told her softly, giving her a peck on the cheek before heading out. He felt his steps lightened and his heart sang as he climbed inside the car. He was going to have to tell Debra what he had been up to, he thought with a wry smile as he pulled away from the curb.
*****
Inside the house Maura Tanner peeked through the blinds watching as her son drove off. She felt the weight of the past lifted from her heart and with a sigh she went back inside the kitchen to finish what she had been doing.
There was a smile on her mouth as she set about putting things together for tea. She had met someone; he was a volunteer at the soup kitchen and had lost his wife five years ago to drunk driving. They had hit it off right away that even Sybil had teased her about her new admirer. They had chatted afterward over coffee and a coffee cake she had made at a little table inside the small building that housed the soup kitchen and shelter for people without a place to stay in the harsh winter. He had no children but had always wanted. His wife had not been able to produce any and that had been their only regret. She told him of her life with Michael’s father and the horror she had gone through. He had reached over and held her hand. She had not pulled away but had sat there with the comfort of him sitting opposite her as they talked and laughed together. Afterwards he had invited her to have dinner with him at his house but she had demurred, saying it was too soon but had compromised. They had dinner at a tiny restaurant on the block. He was coming over for dinner and Maura felt the flush rising in her cheeks and she knew it was not from the heat of her baking. For the first time in a number of years she felt she had something to smile about.
*****
Michael got to the office just as Debra was shutting down her computer. He had called and told her he was on his way from his mother’s and she had not asked him why but had told him that she would be waiting in the office.
He pulled her into his arms as soon as he saw her, holding her close to him, sniffing her expensive yet subtle fragrance and closing his eyes as he held her close to him.
Debra let him hold her, returning his embrace and knowing that he would tell her what was going on with him in time. She had been surprised to hear of his visit to his mother and assumed he wanted to iron out some issues between them, she hoped they did.
“Ready to go home?” he asked her softly, still holding her close to him, his chin resting on her head. The office had emptied out at that time of day and left only the cleaners contracted to do the cleaning. It was snowing pretty heavily and the snowflakes could be seen coming down in rivulets and then melting on the glass.
“Are you?” she asked him softly, one hand resting against his solid chest in a white ribbed cashmere sweater she had bought him a week ago.
“I feel like curling up next to the fireplace and making love to my wife.” He told her. “But there is something I need to discuss with you first.” He eased her away from him, his eyes searching hers. She was wearing a black and blue dress that clung to her curves lovingly and set off her coffee and cream complexion to perfection. He found himself wondering how she managed to stay so cool and beautiful as she did in the morning with not a single strand of her short black hair out of place and her make-up impeccable. He sat down on the soft butter like couch in her office and pulled her down on his lap.
“I don’t like to keep things from you but I had to tackle this alone.” He told her as she rested back against him. “I had to talk to mother about something that had been bothering me ever since I was a kid.” He captured her hand and kissed the soft palm causing a shiver to run through her. “That Christmas I told you about when I came downstairs and saw her huddled and beaten on the floor, she was pregnant.”
“Michael no!” Debra gasped, sitting up and turning to look at him. “Oh your poor mother!”
“I was pissed off Deb,” he told her grimly, his eyes smoldering with the pain of what he had seen all those years ago. “She told me to tell them at the hospital that she had tripped and fallen down the stairs and I was wondering why she kept protecting that monster.” She was looking at him with those beautiful dark brown eyes of hers brimming with sympathy. “She lived in fear all her life and that fear kept her chained to him. She fell in love with him because he told her she was beautiful when every member of her family told her otherwise and she was beholden to him because he was the only one who told her she was worth anything.”
“Oh the poor woman,” Debra exclaimed. “I hope she can find some sort of happiness now.”
*****
“Michael and I spoke earlier,” Maura poured tea into the delicate china she had put out for the occasion. Earl Parkinson had lumbered in an hour ago and stamped the snow off his boots before entering her living room. He had taken off his heavy duty winter jacket and placed it carefully on the quaint coat hanger beside the door and had offered to light the fire in the fireplace. It had not been lit since Michael had bought the place for her and it gave the room a friendly warm glow. Earl was not a talker, a rather shy and gentle giant of a man who towered over her small frame and insisted on helping her with supper. She had lit candles to give the place a romantic glow and nervously wondered if she was being too obvious. She had been so used to being used by her husband that she fully expected to be doing the serving instead of being served but Earl was determined to serve her.
“Oh yes?” he asked mildly, taking the vegetable platter from her and putting it on the table beside the steaming bowl of beef stew. “What did he say?”
“We talked for quite some time and I told him the reason I did
not say anything to the police about what his father did to me.” Maura had told him everything and he had listened in silence, only gripping her hands across the table when she was finished. He had told her the difficulties he had with his wife’s illness and how desolate he had been. “We cleared up a lot of things between us and I think we are on the right track now.” He pulled out her chair for her and as soon as she sat, he pushed it in. The first time he had done that she had been so surprised that she had sat there staring at him in shock.
“I told you he would understand.” He told her quietly as he seated himself around the table. “It will take time Maura and time will heal what has been broken.”
“I am so glad Sybil convinced me to volunteer at that soup kitchen that day,” she beamed at him shyly as he ladled out the stew into a bowl and passed it to her. He had not said anything to her about how large the house was and why she was living in it by herself or even about the luxury of it.
“Me too,” he smiled at her gently.
She had told him about her husband being the first and only man for her and how she had clung to him for everything and that she had no intention of laying her soul so bare before another person ever again.
“When are you going to tell him about us?” he asked her as he tasted the delicious stew. He had been going to the soup kitchen just to find something to occupy his time so that he would not go crazy with loneliness and he had been doing so for the past three years and in three weeks she had come in with the utmost shyness. He had been drawn to her from the very beginning. Not since his wife had died had he found himself interested in another woman and reaching seventy in January he had given up hopes of every finding someone who could come close to what he felt for her.