"But that never happened, Jim." He had shot Brackett, back at the warehouse, but never killed him. And never even come close to hurting Blair.
"I know. But that didn't make the feeling go away, or the nightmares end. And then the other night, it changed." Jim stopped.
Blair was watching him quietly. He wanted Jim to finish, to tell him about the others. But by the same token, he was terrified still by the one he had just had. A length of sweat-soaked hair fell into his face and he reached up with one hand to push it back, then returned the hand to his throbbing stomach.
Jim sighed and continued. "When the trial came up, the nightmare changed to a courtroom, only this time instead of killing you, or him, it was you who killed me."
Blair was stunned for a moment, then shook his head. "Jim..." Where could that have come from?
"No, Blair, it was just a nightmare. There's no analyzing these things, they just happen. But it's over now." He paused. "What about you, Chief? What do you keep seeing?"
Blair shook his head. "I can't...Jim.." He stopped and looked at Jim, pleading with his eyes for his partner not to make him relive them. He never wanted to see them again.
"Blair, it's just a dream. It can't hurt you. Let it go."
He swallowed hard, looking back at the blanket still covering his legs. It took him a few seconds while he struggled with the memory so fresh in his mind, but he finally came to a conclusion. "I just keep seeing that damn needle. And not being able to move." Blair was looking down, not at Jim, and one arm had unwrapped itself to allow the fingers of his left hand pluck at the blanket fuzz. He faltered, but Jim said nothing. "And then he's there, at the hospital, and you...and you just step aside and he comes back...back with another needle." Blair stopped, shaking his head. "I just keep seeing that damn needle." His voice was shaking.
Jim put a hand on Blair's shoulder. "And you'll never see it again. It'll take time, Chief, but it will go away."
Blair nodded, but only mouthed his affirmative, raising both eyebrows. God, he wanted to believe that more than anything.
"Do you want to stay awake, or can you get some sleep? You need the rest."
"Yeah, I'm fine, Jim." He'd rather not try again, but he was having trouble keeping his eyes open, try as he might. But since Jim was there, in the same room in case---No, he was dead. He was.
"You sure? You want anything?"
Blair glanced up for a moment, looking rather sheepish. "Well, there is...if you wouldn't mind...?" He knew he had no right to ask, Jim had done enough. Blair was feeling just a little guilty, taking advantage of his friend's concern, but he was appreciating it.
"What, Chief? Whaddaya need?" Jim's voice was still quietly reassuring.
"My shoulders are killing me. I've been so tensed up..."
Jim smiled, laughing slightly, and pushed Blair forward just enough for him to reach his partner's shoulders and begin to massage some of the stress away.
He had realized Jim was trying to help back there in the courthouse. He'd felt bad, not being coherent enough to appreciate what his friend had done, trying to comfort him after that ordeal on the witness stand. But he needed it now, more than before. Or at least, as much. Jim worked out the knots, and Blair began to relax, allowing himself to calm down. A few minutes later, and his trembling eased.
"You're really something, you know that, Jim?" Blair had his eyes closed, and was trying to concentrate on the relaxing feeling of the shoulder massage, willing that feeling of comfort to spread over his entire, shaking body and mind.
"What to you mean, Chief?"
"You're a rock, man. Nothing fazes you."
"That's not true, Sandburg. Everything fazes me."
Blair started to shake his head, there was no way that was true. Everything Blair had seen over the many months he had been with Jim, all the things they had been through, the man was granite. Not unfeeling, but completely unshakable. Jim's hands gripped his shoulders once, then massaged again.
"Yes, everything," Jim continued. "Maybe I process it differently, but that's all. Why do you think I was having nightmares, huh? What made me go out of my mind with worry from the moment you were affected by Golden until two days after you were home safe?"
Blair was slowly processing Jim's words as he fought the fatigue creeping over him. He began to realize that maybe what he had just said wasn't fair, but he'd never noticed any outward signs. Except maybe when Danny Choy was killed, Blair had never seen his friend so distraught. Jim just had a different way of presenting himself to the world around him. A quieter way. A steadier way.
"You know, there's a bright side to this you haven't considered."
"Oh?" Blair was really feeling drowsy again, despite his fear of falling asleep.
"You don't have to go back into that courtroom."
Blair laughed and he shook his head. Trust Jim to find something good out of all this. He turned then and Jim stopped massaging his shoulders. "Thanks, Jim." He was exhausted all over again, and feeling calmer now.
"No problem, Chief." Jim moved off the bed and back to his own as Blair lay back down.
He knew Jim was sitting there, watching him, and he wanted to tell him it was okay, that he could just go back to sleep, but he didn't. The last thing Blair expected to do, was fall asleep again. But his trembling had finally stopped, and he was very aware of his friend right there, in the room. It couldn't have been more than five minutes before he was fast asleep.
Simon and Clive spent the next morning reviewing tapes of the old wreck that Clive's students had captured on video using Igor. Jim joined them for some of the footage, pointing out the finer parts of the wreck that he had seen. By the time the Coast Guard boat returned, it was late morning.
Jim came back downstairs ahead of the rest of them to grab his bag. Blair was waiting in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee.
"Hangin' in there, Chief?" Jim asked before he went down the hallway. He'd been a lot more himself that morning, and Jim was willing to leave him alone while in the bathroom, and then again for a few minutes while he joined Simon and Clive upstairs, all the while listening to Blair and Katie having breakfast. There was still an edge of fear he was trying to hide, and he needed another week of sleep, but Jim was feeling better about his partner's recovery.
"Yeah. Thanks, Jim." Blair suddenly set the cup down and glanced around the room quickly. "Listen, Jim..."
He held up a hand. "Sandburg, don't say you're sorry or anything, all right? We've been down that road before. It doesn't lead anywhere." He lowered his hand and looked up the stairs to see Simon heading down. Jim glanced back at Blair, noting the purple swelling of his lip, the redness in both eyes and the bruise on his cheek. No, he'd be safe from Simon's wrath with that face. For a few more days, anyway. He put a hand on Blair's shoulder and rocked him back slightly. "Let's go home, huh?"
Blair just nodded, raising both eyebrows as he did so.
Jim retrieved his bag and they all said their goodbyes, once again apologizing for the visit and thanking them for the extension. As they walked down the pier to the waiting boat, Jim sighed deeply, glancing at Blair. "You know, Sandburg, I've been thinking."
Blair looked up but said nothing.
"I think it's time we invested in a larger hot water tank."
Simon chuckled as he stepped onboard.
"You know, Jim, that's something I've been meaning to ask you." Blair reached the side of the boat, then turned to Jim. "You and Carolyn, how did you manage with that little thing?"
Simon's chuckle turned into a laugh, and Jim's grin widened. "Sandburg, no one's ever accused you of being a romantic, have they?" Jim tossed his bag onto the deck and shook his head. "We were married, Chief."
Blair made a face. "Ah, yeah."
Jim nodded. "Yeah."
Simon looked at Jim and rolled his eyes. "Kid's got a hell of a lot to learn about romance."
They both enjoyed that the entire trip back.
End
Kristine Williams, Shadow of a Doubt
Shadow of a Doubt Page 12