Dear Sidney:
It’s absurd your staying there and I’d much rather you didn’t. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable. I am, of course, enormously grateful for all you’ve done for me and for Dexter. If it isn’t too much trouble, will you come up here before you go to Paris, as I have some things to send him?
Sincerely,
Caroline M. Corcoran.
He came a fortnight later, full of a health and vitality that she found as annoying as the look of sadness that was sometimes in his eyes. He adored her and she had no use for his adoration. But her strongest sensation was one of fear — fear that since he had made her suffer so much, he might be able to make her suffer again.
“I’m doing you no good, so I’m going away,” he said. “The doctors seem to think you’ll be well by September. I’ll come back and see for myself. After that I’ll never bother you again.”
If he expected to move her, he was disappointed.
“It may be some time before I can pay you back,” she said.
“I got you into this.”
“No, I got myself into it. … Good-by, and thank you for everything you’ve done.”
Her voice might have been thanking him for bringing a box of candy. She was relieved at his departure. She wanted only to rest and be alone.
The winter passed. Toward the end she skied a little, and then spring came sliding up the mountain in wedges and spear points of green. Summer was sad, for two friends she had made there died within a week and she followed their coffins to the foreigners’ graveyard in Sierre. She was safe now. Her affected lung had again expanded; it was scarred, but healed; she had no fever, her weight was normal and there was a bright mountain color in her cheeks.
October was set as the month of her departure, and as autumn approached, her desire to see Dexter again was overwhelming. One day a wire came from Sidney in Tibet stating that he was starting for Switzerland.
Several mornings later the floor nurse looked in to toss her a copy of the Paris Herald and she ran her eyes listlessly down the columns. Then she sat up suddenly in bed.
AMERICAN FEARED LOST IN BLACK SEA
Sidney Lahaye, Millionaire Aviator, and Pilot Missing Four Days.
Teheran, Persia, October 5 — —
Caroline sprang out of bed, ran with the paper to the window, looked away from it, then looked at it again.
AMERICAN FEARED LOST IN BLACK SEA
Sidney Lahaye, Millionaire Aviator — —
“The Black Sea,” she repeated, as if that was the important part of the affair — “in the Black Sea.”
She stood there in the middle of an enormous quiet. The pursuing feet that had thundered in her dream had stopped. There was a steady, singing silence.
“Oh-h-h!” she said.
AMERICAN FEARED LOST IN BLACK SEA
Sidney Lahaye, Millionaire Aviator, and Pilot Missing Four Days.
Teheran, Persia, October 5 — —
Caroline began to talk to herself in an excited voice.
“I must get dressed,” she said; “I must get to the telegraph and see whether everything possible has been done. I must start for there.” She moved around the room, getting into her clothes. “Oh-h-h!” she whispered. “Oh-h-h!” With one shoe on, she fell face downward across the bed. “Oh, Sidney — Sidney!” she cried, and then again, in terrible protest: “Oh-h-h!” She rang for the nurse. “First, I must eat and get some strength; then I must find out about trains.”
She was so alive now that she could feel parts of herself uncurl, unroll. Her heart picked up steady and strong, as if to say, “I’ll stick by you,” and her nerves gave a sort of jerk as all the old fear melted out of her. Suddenly she was grown, her broken girlhood dropped away from her, and the startled nurse answering her ring was talking to someone she had never seen before.
“It’s all so simple. He loved me and I loved him. That’s all there is. I must get to the telephone. We must have a consul there somewhere.”
For a fraction of a second she tried to hate Dexter because he was not Sidney’s son, but she had no further reserve of hate. Living or dead, she was with her love now, held close in his arms. The moment that his footsteps stopped, that there was no more menace, he had overtaken her. Caroline saw that what she had been shielding was valueless — only the little girl in the garden, only the dead, burdensome past.
“Why, I can stand anything,” she said aloud — “anything — even losing him.”
The doctor, alarmed by the nurse, came hurrying in.
“Now, Mrs. Corcoran, you’re to be quiet. No matter what news you’ve had, you — — Look here, this may have some bearing on it, good or bad.”
He handed her a telegram, but she could not open it, and she handed it back to him mutely. He tore the envelope and held the message before her:
PICKED UP BY COALER CITY OF CLYDE STOP ALL WELL — —
The telegram blurred; the doctor too. A wave of panic swept over her as she felt the old armor clasp her metallically again. She waited a minute, another minute; the doctor sat down.
“Do you mind if I sit in your lap a minute?” she said. “I’m not contagious any more, am I?”
With her head against his shoulder, she drafted a telegram with his fountain pen on the back of the one she had just received. She wrote:
PLEASE DON’T TAKE ANOTHER AEROPLANE BACK HERE. WE’VE GOT EIGHT YEARS TO MAKE UP, SO WHAT DOES A DAY OR TWO MATTER? I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL.
A WOMAN WITH A PAST
Driving slowly through New Haven, two of the young girls became alert. Josephine and Lillian darted soft frank glances into strolling groups of three or four undergraduates, into larger groups on corners, which swung about as one man to stare at their receding heads. Believing that they recognized an acquaintance in a solitary loiterer, they waved wildly, whereupon the youth’s mouth fell open, and as they turned the next corner he made a dazed dilatory gesture with his hand. They laughed. “We’ll send him a post card when we get back to school tonight, to see if it really was him.”
Adele Craw, sitting on one of the little seats, kept on talking to Miss Chambers, the chaperon. Glancing sideways at her, Lillian winked at Josephine without batting an eye, but Josephine had gone into a reverie.
This was New Haven — city of her adolescent dreams, of glittering proms where she would move on air among men as intangible as the tunes they danced to. City sacred as Mecca, shining as Paris, hidden as Timbuktu. Twice a year the life-blood of Chicago, her home, flowed into it, and twice a year flowed back, bringing Christmas or bringing summer. Bingo, bingo, bingo, that’s the lingo; love of mine, I pine for one of your glances; the darling boy on the left there; underneath the stars I wait.
Seeing it for the first time, she found herself surprisingly unmoved — the men they passed seemed young and rather bored with the possibilities of the day, glad of anything to stare at; seemed undynamic and purposeless against the background of bare elms, lakes of dirty snow and buildings crowded together under the February sky. A wisp of hope, a well-turned-out derby-crowned man, hurrying with stick and suitcase towards the station, caught her attention, but his reciprocal glance was too startled, too ingenuous. Josephine wondered at the extent of her own disillusionment.
She was exactly seventeen and she was blase. Already she had been a sensation and a scandal; she had driven mature men to a state of disequilibrium; she had, it was said, killed her grandfather, but as he was over eighty at the time perhaps he just died. Here and there in the Middle West were discouraged little spots which upon inspection turned out to be the youths who had once looked full into her green and wistful eyes. But her love affair of last summer had ruined her faith in the all-sufficiency of men. She had grown bored with the waning September days — and it seemed as though it had happened once too often. Christmas with its provocative shortness, its travelling glee clubs, had brought no one new. There remained to her only a persistent, a physical hope; hope in her stomach that there was s
omeone whom she would love more than he loved her.
They stopped at a sporting-goods store and Adele Craw, a pretty girl with clear honourable eyes and piano legs, purchased the sporting equipment which was the reason for their trip — they were the spring hockey committee for the school. Adele was in addition the president of the senior class and the school’s ideal girl. She had lately seen a change for the better in Josephine Perry — rather as an honest citizen might guilelessly approve a peculator retired on his profits. On the other hand, Adele was simply incomprehensible to Josephine — admirable, without doubt, but a member of another species. Yet with the charming adaptability that she had hitherto reserved for men, Josephine was trying hard not to disillusion her, trying to be honestly interested in the small, neat, organized politics of the school.
Two men who had stood with their backs to them at another counter turned to leave the store, when they caught sight of Miss Chambers and Adele. Immediately they came forward. The one who spoke to Miss Chambers was thin and rigid of face. Josephine recognized him as Miss Brereton’s nephew, a student at New Haven, who had spent several week-ends with his aunt at the school. The other man Josephine had never seen before. He was tall and broad, with blond curly hair and an open expression in which strength of purpose and a nice consideration were pleasantly mingled. It was not the sort of face that generally appealed to Josephine. The eyes were obviously without a secret, without a sidewise gambol, without a desperate flicker to show that they had a life of their own apart from the mouth’s speech. The mouth itself was large and masculine; its smile was an act of kindness and control. It was rather with curiosity as to the sort of man who would be attentive to Adele Craw that Josephine continued to look at him, for his voice that obviously couldn’t lie greeted Adele as if this meeting was the pleasant surprise of his day.
In a moment Josephine and Lillian were called over and introduced.
“This is Mr Waterbury” — that was Miss Brereton’s nephew — “and Mr Dudley Knowleton.”
Glancing at Adele, Josephine saw on her face an expression of tranquil pride, even of possession. Mr Knowleton spoke politely, but it was obvious that though he looked at the younger girls he did not quite see them. But since they were friends of Adele’s he made suitable remarks, eliciting the fact that they were both coming down to New Haven to their first prom the following week. Who were their hosts? Sophomores; he knew them slightly. Josephine thought that was unnecessarily superior. Why, they were the charter members of the Loving Brothers” Association — Ridgeway Saunders and George Davey — and on the glee-club trip the girls they picked out to rush in each city considered themselves a sort of elite, second only to the girls they asked to New Haven.
“And oh, I’ve got some bad news for you,” Knowleton said to Adele. “You may be leading the prom. Jack Coe went to the infirmary with appendicitis, and against my better judgment I’m the provisional chairman.” He looked apologetic. “Being one of those stoneage dancers, the two-step king, I don’t see how I ever got on the committee at all.”
When the car was on its way back to Miss Brereton’s school, Josephine and Lillian bombarded Adele with questions.
“He’s an old friend from Cincinnati,” she explained demurely. “He’s captain of the baseball team and he was last man for Skull and Bones.”
“You’re going to the prom with him?”
“Yes. You see, I’ve known him all my life.”
Was there a faint implication in this remark that only those who had known Adele all her life knew her at her true worth?
“Are you engaged?” Lillian demanded.
Adele laughed. “Mercy, I don’t think of such matters! It doesn’t seem to be time for that sort of thing yet, does it?” (‘Yes,” interpolated Josephine silently.) “We’re just good friends. I think there can be a perfectly healthy friendship between a man and a girl without a lot of — “
“Mush,” supplied Lillian helpfully.
“Well, yes, but I don’t like that word. I was going to say without a lot of sentimental romantic things that ought to come later.”
“Bravo, Adele!” said Miss Chambers somewhat perfunctorily.
But Josephine’s curiosity was unappeased.
“Doesn’t he say he’s in love with you, and all that sow of thing?”
“Mercy, no! Dud doesn’t believe in such stuff anymore than I do. He’s got enough to do at New Haven, serving on the committees and the team.”
“Oh!” said Josephine.
She was oddly interested. That two people who were attracted to each other should never even say anything about it but be content to “not believe in such stuff,” was something new in her experience. She had known girls who had no beaux, others who seemed to have no emotions, and still others who lied about what they thought and did; but here was a girl who spoke of the attentions of the last man tapped for Skull and Bones as if they were two of the limestone gargoyles that Miss Chambers had pointed out on the just completed Harkness Hall. Yet Adele seemed happy — happier than Josephine, who had always believed that boys and girls were made for nothing but each other, and as soon as possible.
In the light of his popularity and achievements, Knowleton seemed more attractive. Josephine wondered if he would remember her and dance with her at the prom, or if that depended on how well he knew her escort, Ridgeway Saunders. She tried to remember whether she had smiled at him when he was looking at her. If she had really smiled he would remember her and dance with her. She was still trying to be sure of that over her two French irregular verbs and her ten stanzas of the Ancient Mariner that night; but she was still uncertain when she fell asleep.
II
Three gay young sophomores, the founders of the Loving Brothers” Association, took a house together for Josephine, Lillian and a girl from Farmington and their three mothers. For the girls it was a first prom, and they arrived at New Haven with all the nervousness of the condemned; but a Sheffield fraternity tea in the afternoon yielded up such a plethora of boys from home, and boys who had visited there and friends of those boys, and new boys with unknown possibilities but obvious eagerness, that they were glowing with self-confidence as they poured into the glittering crowd that thronged the armoury at ten.
It was impressive; for the first time Josephine was at a function run by men upon men’s standards — an outward projection of the New Haven world from which women were excluded and which went on mysteriously behind the scenes. She perceived that their three escorts, who had once seemed the very embodiments of worldliness, were modest fry in this relentless microcosm of accomplishment and success. A man’s world! Looking around her at the glee-club concert, Josephine had felt a grudging admiration for the good fellowship, the good feeling. She envied Adele Craw, barely glimpsed in the dressing-room, for the position she automatically occupied by being Dudley Knowleton’s girl tonight. She envied her more stepping off under the draped bunting through a gateway of hydrangeas at the head of the grand march, very demure and faintly unpowdered in a plain white dress. She was temporarily the centre of all attention, and at the sight something that had long lain dormant in Josephine awakened — her sense of a problem, a scarcely defined possibility.
“Josephine,” Ridgeway Saunders began, “you can’t realize how happy I am now that it’s come true. I’ve looked forward to this so long, and dreamed about it — “
She smiled up at him automatically, but her mind was elsewhere, and as the dance progressed the idea continued to obsess her. She was rushed from the beginning; to the men from the tea were added a dozen new faces, a dozen confident or timid voices, until, like all the more popular girls, she had her own queue trailing her about the room. Yet all this had happened to her before, and there was something missing. One might have ten men to Adele’s two, but Josephine was abruptly aware that here a girl took on the importance of the man who had brought her.
She was discomforted by the unfairness of it. A girl earned her popularity by being beautiful and charm
ing. The more beautiful and charming she was, the more she could afford to disregard public opinion. It seemed absurd that simply because Adele had managed to attach a baseball captain, who mightn’t know anything about girls at all, or be able to judge their attractions, she should be thus elevated in spite of her thick ankles, her rather too pinkish face.
Josephine was dancing with Ed Bement from Chicago. He was her earliest beau, a flame of pigtail days in dancing school when one wore white cotton stockings, lace drawers with a waist attached and ruffled dresses with the inevitable sash.
“What’s the matter with me?” she asked Ed, thinking aloud. “For months I’ve felt as if I were a hundred years old, and I’m just seventeen and that party was only seven years ago.”
“You’ve been in love a lot since then,” Ed said.
“I haven’t,” she protested indignantly. “I’ve had a lot of silly stories started about me, without any foundation, usually by girls who were jealous.”
“Jealous of what?”
“Don’t get fresh,” she said tartly. “Dance me near Lillian.”
Dudley Knowleton had just cut in on Lillian. Josephine spoke to her friend; then waiting until their turns would bring them face to face over a space of seconds, she smiled at Knowleton. This time she made sure that smile intersected as well as met glance, that he passed beside the circumference of her fragrant charm. If this had been named like French perfume of a later day it might have been called “Please.” He bowed and smiled back; a minute later he cut in on her.
It was in an eddy in a corner of the room and she danced slower so that he adapted himself, and for a moment they went around in a slow circle.
“You looked so sweet leading the march with Adele,’, she told him. “You seemed so serious and kind, as if the others were a lot of children. Adele looked sweet, too.” And she added on an inspiration, “At school I’ve taken her for a model.”
Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald UK (Illustrated) Page 333