by Amy Valenti
I stepped out of the bathroom and went down the hall, dressed only in my underwear. Spencer was standing by the living room window, staring out through a small gap in the drapes at the street below. Lost in thought.
I only hoped those thoughts weren’t in any way linked to me, because he looked tense.
“Hi.”
He glanced up, and did a double-take when he saw the low-cut bustier, thong, stockings and heels I’d selected especially for this seduction. “Hey there.” A slow smile crossed his face—that was a good sign, at least.
I moved across the room and put my arms around his neck, standing on tiptoe to kiss him. “Come to bed with me?”
He kissed me in return, a light brush of the lips. His eyes were dark with arousal, but I sensed his reserve. Did he think I was angling for more D/s?
“I just want you to fuck me,” I whispered in his ear.
He cupped his hands around my waist, the warmth of his skin against mine sending a thrill through me. “Temptress.”
I kissed him again, pouring all my longing and desire into it, not stopping until I felt his cock hardening against me.
“Please?” I brushed the palm of my hand over the ridge in his jeans. “I want you so much.”
He kissed me softly, but the undercurrent of want behind it made me moan and tiptoe to rub my clit against his cock. As if his self-control had snapped, he lifted me in his arms and carried me over to the couch, then sat down without lowering me to the ground.
Having a ridiculously strong boyfriend was such a constant turn-on. I squeezed his biceps as we kissed, enjoying the feel of his firm muscles.
We fucked right then and there, my bustier pulled down to expose my breasts, my thong swept aside so he could drive up inside me as I rode him. It was all heat and desire with no awkwardness, none of the scary tension I’d feared would surface again between us. Despite the lack of pain, I could have sworn my orgasm was made stronger by relief.
Still, there was something between us. Some unrealised fantasy that fuelled us both as we moved together, striving for climax, yet it left me hollow and wanting once we were done. I hadn’t realised what was missing from my sex life before, but now I had, plain old vanilla sex was just…not boring, because it still felt amazing, but…like leaving the restaurant before the dessert menu showed up. A craving that had yet to be fulfilled, even though I’d come twice under his skilful hands.
Spencer held me afterwards, kissing the top of my head.
“Is this what it’s felt like for you all this time?” I asked softly. “Like there’s something left undone? A need that can’t be satisfied any other way?”
He tensed. The sun had gone down while we’d been occupied, and the gloom of the room around us made it easier to talk—as though what was being said might not be true or real if one of us turned on a lamp.
“Yes and no,” he said, the confession a low growl that rumbled through his chest into my ear. “That what you feel now?”
“Yes and no,” I murmured back, tears coming to my eyes. “It feels so wrong to pressure you when I know something awful happened, but I just…”
“Want,” he supplied, as though it were the only word that could have come from my lips if he’d let me finish.
He knew. He knew exactly what I was going through, because he felt it too. Was that a relief, because I didn’t have to explain my emotions to him, or a disappointment, because he was willing to let me suffer this?
“Yeah.” I wiped away a tear before it could fall on his bare chest, as though that would prevent him from knowing how close to crying I was.
“I’m sorry, Alex.” He stroked my hair, the words so low I could hardly hear them.
“Do you think you’ll ever get past what happened?” I shouldn’t have asked, but I couldn’t help myself.
He could have been made of granite; his muscles were so tense. “I don’t know. Wish I could give you the answer you’re looking for, but I just don’t have it.”
We breathed into the silence together, suffering.
Finally, he asked, “Is it a deal-breaker for you?”
For a moment I wasn’t sure what he meant. When I put together that he was asking if I’d leave if he didn’t give me more dungeon time, my heart broke for him. Sitting up, I stared at him as best I could through the darkness. “I’d like to think it’s not. I mean, I love you with or without the dungeon. I don’t need it to be with you.”
But you’re not letting yourself be you. Not completely. And I feel like you’re not letting me be me, either. I left that thought unsaid. It just wouldn’t leave my lips.
Now he was staring at me, too. It was almost funny, the way we were straining to see each other through the darkness. He reached over his head to switch on the lamp on the side table. “You mean that?”
“Of course I do! Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship. Okay, so it’s pretty damn important, but—”
“Not that. The other thing you said.”
I had to replay it in my mind before it came to me that I’d used the L word. It had just slipped out. Did I love him? The mere thought of being without him made me sick to my stomach, and despite the complications between us, I treasured his company.
“I love you,” I said again, a little guardedly. How would he take this? “Sorry for putting that into our angsty conversation.”
He kissed me hard, pulling me so close I had to gasp for breath. As he loosened his grip apologetically, I laughed. “I guess that’s a good thing, huh?”
“Pretty girl, you have no idea how fucking happy that makes me.” He brushed my hair out of my eyes with a smile.
“But you’re way too macho to say it back,” I teased, unable to help myself.
Spencer inclined his head, then rolled his eyes. “I’m not the mushy type, all right? I love you, but don’t spread it around or I’ll lose all my street cred.”
I grinned like an idiot and buried my face in his neck. How had the conversation gone from so much pain and unease to declarations of love so quickly?
Not that it had solved anything. Our problems hadn’t gone away. But after hearing him say he loved me, all I wanted to do was bask in the glow. Ruining the mood now was out of the question.
Besides, the second Spencer got too defensive he’d shut down the conversation. I needed a way to get the upper hand in some way he couldn’t overturn me, and as I lay there, enjoying the warmth of his skin, a plan began to form.
He wasn’t going to like it. Not at all. But it had potential, and I would only be doing it because I loved him…
* * * *
Spencer
I woke up with a vague sense that something wasn’t quite right. Something about the placement of my arms…
I tried to rub my hand over my eyes, but couldn’t. My wrist was caught up in something. Wait…make that both my wrists.
“Alexandra, if you’ve tied me to the bed, I’m going to kill you.”
A giggle was my only answer, and it brought me all the way into wakefulness. She fucking had, too. She’d buckled the leather wrist cuffs around both of my wrists and secured them to the headboard with double ended G-clips without waking me. I yanked at the restraints, but already knew I couldn’t get free. I’d bought this equipment myself, and it was sturdy.
Holy fuck, she’d tied my ankles, too. How had she moved me without me waking? I must have slept deeper last night than I’d thought.
When I got free, I was going to punish the hell out of Alex.
“Let me out of these right now, you hear me?”
She came to stand in my line of sight, wearing one of my T-shirts and her underwear, the way she did every morning after she slept over at my place. This wasn’t a seduction—I knew that the moment I saw her.
She seated herself between my spread legs, on top of the sheet she’d draped over my lower body. I growled with impatience and tugged at the cuffs again.
Alex shook her head. “What, you can dish out the bondage bu
t you can’t take it?”
I glowered at her. “I shouldn’t have to take it. I’m the Dom.”
“Are you?” she asked quietly.
Her reasons for restraining me smashed into my conscious mind like a dropped wineglass, splintering and obliterating any residual morning drowsiness. This…was not gonna be a fun conversation.
“Just uncuff me, Alex. Please.”
Even the so-called magic word wasn’t enough to sway her. “I want to talk to you properly, without you pretending the conversation is over.”
“You could have asked.”
“And you would have shut me down. Or distracted me with kisses. Or something.” She sighed. “Spencer, I want you to be my Dom.”
“And this is the way you’re showing it? Do I have to explain the concept of a Dom to you?” Behind my anger, a lead weight pressed down on my heart. This conversation had come about way sooner than I’d expected.
“If you promise to give us a shot—a real shot as Dom and sub—then I’ll uncuff you right now. Otherwise, we need to talk this out and come to some kind of a conclusion.” She hugged her knees and watched me carefully, as though expecting me to have to safeword.
I closed my eyes and resigned myself to the reality of the present moment. No matter what I wanted, I couldn’t run from this. Literally couldn’t run. “Just say what you want to say.”
She shifted on the bed, putting one hand out to rest on my thigh. Her body heat seeped through the thin sheet into my skin. “I never knew what I was missing until I did those scenes with you. You tried to keep it from me at first, but when you finally let it happen it was fucking fantastic. I’ll never be the same again, but I think it’s a change for the better. I know who I am now.”
I remembered the same feeling back when I’d discovered sexual dominance. Like I’d been missing a part of myself that I now understood. “I know what you mean.”
“So why are you trying to shut it down? I know you had a bad breakup, but God, Spencer, it can’t have been bad enough for you to turn your back on something that makes you feel so good, for the rest of your life. Am I not worth the risk? Don’t you want to take the chance that we could have something special?”
Her voice was so broken that I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to put my arms around her, but they were immobilised. “Alex…”
“I want to be with the real Spencer Hyde, not some pale imitation. I fell for you before I knew about your Dom side, sure, but I saw flashes of who you really are here and there. I wanted you from the start because of those tiny glimpses, and when you finally opened up to me it was… I can’t even explain. Like coming home. Like we were fated or something, and I don’t even believe in all that soulmate crap.”
Remembering how right it had felt to have her obey my orders, fully embracing her submissive side for the first time, I swallowed past the lump in my throat. If I didn’t get a hold on my emotions, I wouldn’t be able to speak.
“I love you, Sir. And it really hurts that you can’t trust me not to hurt you the way she did.” Tears had gathered in her eyes as she spoke, and now one fell to the sheet covering me.
Fuck. I was gonna have to tell her the truth. The whole truth, not just some vague reason. “I trust you, damn it. It’s myself I don’t trust. I couldn’t live with myself if I did to you what I did to her.”
Alex threw up her hands in frustration. “What did you do? You won’t tell me, and God knows I’ve tried to figure it out. I need you to be honest with me so that I can tell you exactly why you’re wrong.” She made a visible effort to calm herself. “Please, Spencer.”
I knew right then that I’d lost her. As soon as I told her about Kristin’s breakdown, her perception of me would change and she’d leave. “I’ll tell you everything. Just…uncuff me first. If you want to leave, at least then you won’t have to worry about freeing me first.”
Alex eyed me suspiciously for a moment, but then her expression softened. “I’m not going anywhere, Sir.”
She undid my ankles first, then my wrists. I reached for her the moment I was free, and she allowed me to give her one soft, lingering kiss before pulling back with a tiny shiver. “Don’t distract me, Spencer. Please.”
How could I fucking explain that I was scared I’d never get to hold her or kiss her again?
I sat up and made sure the sheet remained over my lower half before I began. Letting my nakedness show while I was recounting my sins was unfair to all of us—to Kristin as well as Alex and me.
I tried to gather my thoughts to begin, but where the hell could I start?
“Kristin and I were together for six years. She was my collared submissive after the first year. She lived here with me. I knew her responses and limits inside out, and I would have said at the time that we’d be together for our whole lives. We trusted each other absolutely, until the session that fucked it all up.”
Alex moved to my side and took my hand. I laced her fingers through mine, glad of her show of support.
“What happened?” she asked softly.
The old, familiar dread rose in me again. The self-loathing. The hurt. I pushed past it and tried to relate things as they’d happened.
“Kristin asked to roleplay a specific scene. We’d done others in the past, but never anything this edgy. She wanted me to pretend to be an intruder to the apartment and force her to…”
At Alex’s swift intake of breath, I knew she didn’t need any more elaboration. I let her process it for a moment.
“I know a lot of people like that kind of thing. Or think they do, in theory. I can sort of see the appeal, but I’d never want to try it myself.” She squeezed my hand. “I’m guessing it didn’t go the way it was supposed to.”
I forced myself to speak again, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. “We negotiated beforehand. It wasn’t something we needed to do that often, but with a scene that intense, I wanted to make sure she knew what she was getting into and how much…force to use, whether she wanted me to be quiet or to call her names. All the little details. She didn’t have a lot of restrictions, but that wasn’t a red flag. I knew what she liked and we trusted each other.”
Alex nodded, but stayed silent. I was kind of grateful for that. It made it easier to continue.
“We did the scene, and it was intense. I won’t go into it, but it was pretty extreme in some ways. She’d asked me to make her cry, make her genuinely scared. She got off on things like knife play, so this would be like a new level of fear play, she said.”
A shudder ran through me. I couldn’t suppress it. “She started freaking out, but since that was part of how we’d planned it, I didn’t immediately see there was something really wrong. It wasn’t until a couple of minutes later that I realised she’d forgotten she could safeword and make it stop. A couple of minutes…it’s a long time to be fighting someone stronger than you, afraid for your life.”
Alex rested her free hand on top of our joined ones and squeezed. “God, that’s awful.”
I kept going, unable to stop now. “She wouldn’t let me give her aftercare or repair the damage I caused. It took her two hours of hiding in the bathroom to tell me she’d flashed back to something that happened when she was a teenager, on the way home from school. She’d repressed it, locked it away. And being in that situation with me made her remember.”
Thick guilt rose like bile in my throat, but I swallowed it down. “She blamed me for not stopping, said I should have seen the signs. I did see them. She was scared and crying and shaking, telling me ‘no’, but she’d asked for that beforehand, so I had no idea she wasn’t okay with being in that state.”
I stared blankly at the wall, unable to stop remembering.
Get away from me! You monster! I trusted you, loved you, and you did this to me…
“Spencer,” Alex murmured. From her tone of voice, it wasn’t the first attempt she’d made to pull me from my thoughts. “Come on. Focus on me, okay?”
She cupped my face in her hand
s and made sure she was all I could see. Her eyes were full of tears, but none of the anger or outrage I’d expected showed in her expression. She was probably glad she was an actor right then.
“It wasn’t your fault. How could you have known? The whole point was for her to be scared and struggling, right? So what apart from her safeword could have made you realise something was wrong?”
Logically, I knew she was right. It was the exact point Callum had made many times. But the way Kristin and I had known each other, I should have realised. “Maybe I got too caught up in the role I was playing. Maybe there were obvious signs I should have seen before her meltdown.”
“She didn’t let you near her afterwards? At all?” Alex changed the subject, as though recognising that it was a losing battle to try to argue with me.
“Not within arms’ reach.” And fuck, that had hurt the worst of all. I’d needed to make amends for the way I’d failed her, to make her understand how truly sickened and sorry I was.
“I can understand that she was traumatised. I’ve known people who’ve had repressed memories come back to them. It wasn’t pretty. But God, if I ever meet her I’m gonna give her a piece of my mind…”
The anger in her voice took me aback. “Huh?”
“Don’t get me wrong—her teenage attack wasn’t her fault, and it’s terrible that she flashed back to it. She didn’t ask for it and she couldn’t have seen it coming. But after your scene went wrong, you needed as much reassurance as she did, and she told you her flashback was your fault.”
Sighing, Alex paused, as if trying to set her thoughts in order. “She didn’t use her safeword, Spencer. It’s tragic what happened, but you gave her that safeword in good faith as a way to stop a really edgy roleplay. I feel so bad for her that she forgot how to end the scene, but you’re not psychic. How were you supposed to know if she didn’t safeword, and you couldn’t rely on her body language or what actually came out of her mouth?”
She put her arms around my shoulders and hugged me tightly. “It sounds like it screwed you up just as much as it screwed her up. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was just a scene that went wrong when something you couldn’t have foreseen popped up from some forgotten corner of her brain.”