by Pip Harry
‘I’m not hungry.’
‘You? Not hungry?’
She stands up, brushes her cheeks with her palms. ‘I’ve got chem in an hour. I’d better go to the library and see what I can cram into my dumb blonde head before then.’ She walks away, leaving me with two halves of the sausage roll.
‘Good luck!’ I shout after her and this time I really mean it. But she doesn’t even turn around.
I feel exhausted trying to make it up to her. Maybe our friendship really is over.
15
I’m bending over the water fountain when a Year Nine day girl, Ginny Leigh, says, ‘Basher.’ Just like that. Low, cold and malicious. I swing my head up, water dripping down my chin. ‘What did you say?’ I ask as she saunters away.
‘You heard me,’ she says.
Rattled, I walk quickly to my locker, dumping my books inside. On my way to find Maddy, a Year Eleven boarder I don’t even know points at me, looks down at her phone and says, ‘That’s her.’ Her friend follows the line of her finger and finds my face, looking appalled. ‘No way, that’s her? She does look like a freak.’
As I’m walking across the quad, I swear people are whispering about me, like I’m a celebrity or something. Except I’m not a celebrity. I’m a shadow lurker. A corner person. A back-against-the-wall, no-eye-contact weirdo. In a panic I realise, They know my secret. Everyone knows. Maddy must have told them.
I might as well be walking around in my undies. I’m completely, totally exposed. There’s nowhere for me to hide from this. If my secret is out, everyone will hate me. You can’t do what I did and expect nothing to change.
I keep my head down as I walk quickly to the boarding house, taking as many unused corridors as I can. It’s hard to escape the stares following me. As I run for my room I hear a group of Year Eights say, ‘Did you see it?’ and give me the nastiest looks I’ve ever seen. I’m too freaked out to cry. So I just get mad instead. My feelings boiling up like they did that day that it happened. I should never have trusted someone else with my secret. Why did I tell Maddy? I should have known better.
I’m like a red-eyed, frothing bull by the time I find Maddy in our room. She’s lying on her stomach on her bed, listening to her iPod, hair covering her face on either side, so she doesn’t see me coming.
I storm in, slam the door and start ranting. ‘I can’t believe you would tell!’
She rolls over sleepily. ‘What are you on about?’ she asks.
I pace up and down. I’m so angry I feel like I could pick up my bed and throw it out the window. But I can’t let my feelings get out of control.
‘About my mum. Don’t pretend you don’t know anything about it. The whole school knows!’
Maddy still looks blank. ‘I didn’t tell anyone. I swear.’
‘You’re the only person I’ve ever told. So the only people who know are you, me and my family. And my family wouldn’t dob.’
‘I didn’t say a word!’ Maddy says, starting to get fired up.
‘Why did you do it? Because Lachy and I are a couple and for once you don’t have a boyfriend?’
Maddy stares at me like I’m a fleck of dirt on a white dress. ‘Calm down, Kate! Maybe if you didn’t get so pissed off you wouldn’t have gotten into this mess in the first place.’
Now the tears come – hot, furious and unstoppable. I sit down on my bed and crumple into a puddle of misery.
‘I can’t believe I trusted you,’ I sob.
‘Screw you,’ she says, getting up off the bed and going to the cupboard we share. She grabs a box and pulls a set of keys out of her pocket. She opens it and rifles through old letters and cards. She picks up a square of paper and hurls it across the room at me. ‘Here’s your secret!’ she screams. ‘Thanks for believing in me.’
She pauses at the door. ‘Oh, and by the way I slept with that so-called friend of yours, Nate. He doesn’t like you. He’s never liked you. He thinks your crush is pathetic.’
She storms out of the room and I hear her running down the hall and into the bathroom. I don’t follow her. There’s only one place I can go to escape. I put on a pair of dark sunglasses to hide my puffy eyes and take off. I don’t know if I’ll be able to come back. Ever. I’m so, so ashamed of myself. I wish I could just disappear.
In the gardens I go to the place by the lake where Maddy and I first became friends. I take off my shoes and socks and walk out on a small jetty. I sit down on the wooden planks, covered with splatters of bird poo. I dip my feet into the cool water and it soothes my hot, crushed skin. I take the paper out. I’m not crying anymore but I feel so tired. What happened that awful night has finally caught up with me and I have to face it.
Layers of sticky tape encase the white paper. I unpeel them carefully, and open up the folded letter. I’d like to rip it up, instead I smooth it out on my thigh and read it. It’s hard to believe the messy, angular writing scrawling across the page is mine.
Dear Maddy,
Don’t judge me for this. I couldn’t stand it if you thought I was crazy, like everyone else does. You asked me why I was sent to live in the boarding house and the answer is: I hurt my mum. Bad. She had to go to hospital and get fourteen stitches and her skull was cracked. Would you want to live with someone who gave you fourteen stitches? Yeah. Me neither. I guess I deserved it. I’ll tell you how it happened.
Mum was in the kitchen and she asked me to help unload the dishwasher. It was my turn. We got into a big fight. I can’t even remember now what started it. Something stupid and small. It always is. I was getting madder and madder, and she kept yelling at me. About my attitude. The way I talked to her. I was yelling back at her. Calling her names. She told me to go to my room because she didn’t want me there. I was more trouble than help. That’s how I felt all the time. Just a waste of space.
She tried to move me out of the way with her elbow, tried to take over. And I guess I just got so mad that I pushed her. Harder than I meant to. I just didn’t want her in my face. She was always in my face. Anyway, she fell backwards and smacked her head on the sharp edge of the stove. There was heaps of blood. More than I’ve ever seen come out of a person. It was like she’d sprung a leak out of her head. I tried to help but she was screaming and pushing me away.
Dad said, ‘Jesus Christ, Kate! What have you done?’ I felt like a serial killer or something. There was a flap of skin coming off her head and you could see the bone underneath. He got a tea towel and pressed it against her head to stop the blood. ‘Did you do this on purpose?’ he asked. ‘Did you?’
‘No!’ I shouted. But even now, I don’t know. Was it an accident do you think, Maddy?
Mum didn’t want to go but Dad drove her to the hospital anyway. They didn’t even trust me to babysit Liv. They got her out of bed and dropped her off at my auntie’s house.
When they were gone I cleaned Mum’s blood off the floor with a mop. I felt so sick I vomited everywhere. I had to clean that up too.
When they came home, Mum had lots of stitches and concussion. Dad said it was lucky because she could hide the cut under her hair so she wouldn’t have to take too much time off work and no one would have to find out what happened. He said things had gotten so out of hand between us that he didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t know either.
The worst part was Mum wouldn’t even look at me afterwards. She wouldn’t talk to me either, for over a week. I think she still might be scared of me. More than I am of her, which is weird. After that, they asked if I could come and stay at the boarding house. I didn’t want to come. But I’m glad I did. Otherwise I would never have met you.
I didn’t mean to write so much but I feel better for telling someone.
Please don’t ever, ever tell anyone. I don’t want it to get around school.
Thanks for being my friend.
Kate x
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After I finish reading, I tear up the paper into tiny pieces. I hold my palm out flat and blow the pile of words into the water. It makes me feel better to know the truth is finally out. Some secrets don’t magically disappear when you keep them. They just get bigger and bigger until they swallow you up.
It’s nearly dinnertime but I can’t imagine facing all those girls and their judging faces. I’m not ready. I don’t move when the bell rings out over the ancient fig trees. I’m considering sleeping overnight in the park, when I spot someone coming towards me in school uniform.
It’s Harriet. No doubt she’s been sent to retrieve me for dinner. She’s coming right for me, all the way out to the end of the jetty.
‘Hi,’ she says. ‘Can I sit down?’
I motion to the spot beside me.
‘How did you find me?’ I ask.
‘Kate, you aren’t the only one who hides from that place,’ she says, waving in the direction of Norris. ‘I’ve been coming down here for years. I’ve seen you here you know.’
‘Really? I’ve never seen you.’
Harriet laughs. ‘That’s because I’ve got a better hiding spot. Mine’s over there. Behind those bushes.’
‘Have you come to take me back for dinner?’ I ask. ‘Because I’m not going back tonight. I can’t.’
Harriet kicks off her shoes, too, and dunks her perfectly manicured feet in next to mine. ‘Nup.’
‘What then?’
She looks at me with an expression on her face that seems like sympathy. ‘There’s a story about you online,’ she says. ‘That’s how people know about what happened with your mum.’
‘Where?’ Could this get any worse?
‘The Herald site,’ says Harriet. ‘Your parents are at school. They want to talk to you.’
My phone’s been switched off since my exam. It’s bound to be full of messages.
‘How did the paper find out?’ I ask.
‘They’re not sure. They think it’s an orderly at the hospital who overheard your parents talking. Someone who just got fired and wanted to make some money.’
‘Is there a photo?’ I ask.
‘Yeah,’ sighs Harriet. ‘It’s old. Your hair’s different. No one’s even going to recognise you.’
One person will recognise me. Lachy.
And one person will never forgive me. Maddy.
‘It would be better if you went back tonight,’ says Harriet. ‘It’s going to get cold down here and it’s scary at night.’
I see my chance to finally make the right decision after so many bad ones. To stop running away when things get too hard.
‘Let’s go back then. I wouldn’t want to miss out on dinner, would I?’
Harriet laughs. ‘No. That would be a shame.’
Harriet and I walk up the hill to school. ‘Listen, I know we haven’t been friends or anything this term but all my friends and the boarders are behind you,’ she says.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. Or else they’ll have me to deal with.’
It almost makes me laugh, thinking of Harriet going to my defence. ‘Okay. Thanks, I guess.’
As we near the gates, she puts her hand on my arm.
‘I meant to say thanks for not saying anything about Grant being in our room during the social. If you’d said anything I would’ve been suspended and there’s no way I would have been a prefect nomination.’
‘He seemed like he was getting a bit rough with you. Were you okay?’
Harriet sighs and shakes her head.
‘You don’t know the half of it,’ she says sadly. ‘I’m just glad it’s over. I mean it was hard to be dumped like that, but it was the best thing . . . in the end.’
‘Can I ask you something?’ I say, feeling like this might be our last opportunity to be so honest with each other.
She shrugs. ‘Sure.’
‘Sometimes I hear you cry, at night. Why do you do that?’
‘You’ve heard me?’
‘I’m an insomniac,’ I explain.
Her eyes fill with tears but they don’t break the rims. Harriet is very good at holding everything in.
‘It’s hard,’ she says. ‘Just everything. School. Prefect elections. Grant. It’s all . . .’ She pauses. ‘Sometimes it’s too much for me to handle. Don’t tell anyone but I have depression. I take medication for it. My parents know. But it’s not something I make public knowledge. It’s easier letting people think I’m little Miss Perfect.’
I’ve seen Harriet debate circles around every smart kid in school but she has never made more sense to me than now.
‘Sure. I won’t tell anyone.’
As we walk slowly towards the bright lights of the boarding house, shining like a boat on a dark sea, she drops her arm from mine. ‘Miss Gordon and your parents are in her office,’ she says, heading left to the dining hall. ‘Come back to the room later. I’ve got chocolate if you’re hungry.’
As I walk up the stairs to Miss Gordon’s room I feel stronger with each step. By the time I knock on the door I know that I can deal with whatever is behind the smooth oak panelling. Miss Gordon has the story up on her computer screen and the first thing I think of is how ugly I look in the photo. I’m standing with Mum and Liv at the opening of a childcare centre. My cheeks are fat, my skin pimply and my haircut blunt and copper-coloured. I look like a tubby boy. Back then I didn’t care what I looked like. I guess I never imagined my face might be on a website.
The room falls silent and it’s obvious they’ve been talking about me but they’re not quite sure what to say now that I’ve actually materialised.
Dad leaps out of his seat and hugs me. ‘Oh thank God, Kate, come in,’ he says. Mum has her serious face on. The don’t-mess-with-me-I’ve-been-around-the-block-young-lady look I’ve seen before. Only this time some newspaper editor is about to get it.
‘Kate. Sit down,’ says Miss Gordon. ‘We’re just discussing the Herald article.’
Mum looks livid. ‘My office has released a media statement,’ she says. ‘It explains that what happened that night was an accident. That you recognised your mistake. And you have our unconditional love and support. We’ve also contacted our lawyers. I’m looking for an apology at the very least. A retraction from the editor, I hope.’
I sit down on the edge of the couch, next to Mum, who gives me a tight, protective hug, like I’ve just scraped my knee falling off my bike. ‘I will not let them come after you like this,’ she says. ‘I’ll make sure we bury this story and find the person who sold it to the papers.’
Dad stands next to me on the other side and pats my shoulder. Everyone looks at me like they’re expecting my head to spin around. After a few minutes, I sit down at Miss Gordon’s desk and read the article. It’s titled: ‘Teen Violence: Politician’s daughter lashes out.’
The story is pretty sketchy. The reporter quotes a ‘hospital source’ and a doctor specialising in adolescent health. He says some stuff about teen violence and there’s a box titled ‘Signs your teen might be a threat’. There’s a blurry photo of my parents at the hospital too. Mum’s head is bandaged.
I shut down the site, feeling shaken.
‘Listen, sweetheart, it’s rubbish writing and it’s already yesterday’s news,’ says Dad. And I guess that makes me feel better.
We talk about what to do if the media come to take photos outside the school gates. Mum has lots of advice about giving them the slip and Miss Gordon suggests I keep a low profile and stick close to the school grounds until it all dies down. Nobody quite knows when that will be.
My parents want to take me home with them but I refuse. I don’t feel like hiding anymore.
‘This is my fault,’ Mum says and I realise she’s in tears. ‘I’m the one who stood for political
office, without my career there wouldn’t be this public interest in you, in our family,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry for that.’
‘You don’t have to be sorry, Mum,’ I say. ‘You have an amazing career. I’m so sorry for what happened that night. I really am.’
Mum gives me a hug. ‘It’s okay. Are you sure you don’t want to come home with Dad and me?’
‘I want to stay.’
‘Keep your chin up,’ she says. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow with an update. If you want to speak to me I’ll have my phone on. We can come and get you anytime.’
*
Miss Gordon requested that dinner be set aside for me, so I’m sitting at a long, empty table eating reheated lamb that’s giving my molars a workout. The room is quiet and cavernous. I might be alone but I don’t feel lonely. Just like Harriet predicted, the boarding house is falling into line behind me. One of the Year Elevens came up to me as I walked into the dining hall. A girl I had never noticed before.
‘That article sucked,’ she said.
Her friend nodded. ‘Nobody believes what they wrote.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, stunned and confused. Sitting in the hall I realise I’ve become one of them. I’m a boarder. And boarders stick together.
I hear Lou coming by the sound of her wheezy asthma. She swings open the door and runs over, embracing me with a sweaty hug. ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere! I went down to the shops but then I heard Harriet found you first.’
‘I was in the gardens.’
She scrunches her face up, looking worried enough for both of us. ‘Are you okay?’
I shrug, feeling more okay than not okay. ‘Yeah. I guess so.’
‘Really?’
‘Is everyone talking about it?’
Lou pauses and I imagine it’s all everyone has been talking about. I’ve been in the boarding house long enough to know this is big news.