Insight

by Jolene Perry

  I can’t believe this. I’m sitting with kind-of friends—the sweetest, hottest guy I could dream up is next to me. He can’t seem to keep his mouth or his hands off me.

  Now I just have to find a way to make sure nothing changes. And that I stay on this side of the creek.

  “Walk with me.” Landon stands up.

  “Okay.” I take his hand and his fear picture hits me again.

  I pause this time, trying to focus on the details. Everything in my vision is the same. I’m on the other side of the creek, against the trees. Someone in dark clothes is close to me. Landon and Steven are running toward us. This sucks.

  “Are you alright?” He squeezes my hand.

  “Too many people,” I lie. But I don’t even know why I’m lying at this point. Well. I’m lying to protect him. I can’t stop things from happening, and I hate that, but he shouldn’t be put in that same position—of knowing something might happen to me, but be powerless to stop it.

  We move through some small trees to the edge of the creek.

  “Holy shit.” Landon sprints forward. “You okay, man?” He pats someone on the back.

  My heart sprints, but whoever he’s touching has on a white T-shirt. Whoever they see me with is in black. This is okay. I’m still okay. But my hands are shaking, telling me otherwise.

  “Who is it?” I ask.

  “It’s me.” A guy’s voice.

  “It’s Cameron. This was supposed to be a non-drinking party.” Landon sighs. “I need to get him some water or something.”

  Cameron groans, hunches over on the log, and throws up into the creek.

  I jump back, making sure none of the splash gets on me, every nerve on edge. I want the fire. To be away from the creek.

  “I’ll be right back. Will you just make sure he doesn’t drown?” Landon chuckles.

  I nearly reach out for him, but am too scared about what I might see. I should just run away. Go to his car. But he already has to wonder about how weird I am. Maybe they all do. “Don’t be gone long, okay?”

  Landon pauses for a moment, watching me in the dim light. “Okay. I’ll hurry back.” He turns and jogs away.

  Cameron and I are in near blackness.

  My chest tightens, as I move as far away from him as I can. All I know of Cameron is him calling Landon an asshole, and he and Lisa getting into some sort of situation that Landon felt she needed rescuing from.

  I slide my hand in my pocket and clutch my pepper spray. But how could I be afraid of Cameron when he’s hunched over a log, and wearing a white T-shirt? I’m looking for someone in black. Not white. I’m okay.

  Maybe there are shadows here, and that’s why I saw black. I spin and scan the trees lining the creek wondering if I even want to know. Do I run? Will it do any good? Should I just close my eyes and hope that whatever happens, happens fast?

  “Micah, right?” He lifts his head.

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you grab my sweatshirt?”

  “Ummm.” I glance around, but it’s too dark.

  “It’s okay. I got it.” He hefts himself off the log, and he’s a lot bigger than he seems in school. Maybe just because it’s dark. Either way I take a step back.

  He grabs a dark sweatshirt off the ground and slides it over his head.

  My chest constricts, and my stomach drops. He’s in black, and is very large. That’s enough to get me out of here. I pull the small pepper spray out of my pocket, but he hasn’t done anything. I’m okay. My brain’s telling my feet to move backwards, but my body won’t go. Frozen.

  Right now I’m trying to stop something from happening, only maybe I can’t prevent anything, and that’s why I’m frozen. No. I can move. I can.

  “Landon will be back for you in a minute.” I move away, my feet splashing in the creek.

  “Not for a while.” I can’t make out his expression, but he’s following me.

  I stumble and nearly fall backwards.

  Cameron reaches out and grabs my arm forcing me to drop my pepper spray into the water. I try to scream, but nothing comes out. Cameron’s hands are tight around my arms as he pushes me backwards and through the water to the far side of the creek.

  I open my mouth to scream again, but still can’t make a noise. Suddenly I know I can’t let us get to the far side. I’m not sure what he plans on doing, but I spin around barely pulling myself from his grasp, and almost fall into the water as I scramble away.

  “Wait,” he growls. He reaches out, but his movements are still too sloppy, and he misses.

  Cameron stumbles behind me, but I run, heart banging hard against my ribs, and crash into Landon.

  My picture of us in my room is back.

  “Look who it is.” Landon smiles and puts his arms around me. “You didn’t need to run back. I told you I’d hurry.”

  Right. I’m shaking again.

  I glance back at Cameron whose eyes are directed on me. I can read that one from here. Frustration. Anger.

  My forearms hurt, but I’m okay. And no one seems to have seen. Maybe my scream was what triggered everyone in my vision and that didn’t happen this time. I never got it out.

  Am I crazy for running?

  No. He would have done something. I’m sure of it. Or, almost sure.

  “You’re all wet.” Landon glances down. “What happened?”

  Do I say something about Cameron? What would I even say? I think Cameron may have hurt me in some way only he didn’t?

  “Just didn’t see the edge of the creek.” My voice sounds almost detached.

  Landon rubs my arm a few times, maybe sensing my fear. All I see is our night together on my bed, and instead of winding me up, it relaxes me.

  But wait. Did I just change something? That easy? Just by knowing when to run away? Did I see this coming, and make it all different?

  Lacey. My stomach tightens. I can make things different. Maybe.

  Landon slides his arm around my waist, and my picture is still our night together. Okay. I allow myself to feel some relief, but I’m still wary. It was too easy.

  Josh gives us a wave as he heads toward where Cameron is slowly making his way to the fire.

  “You need me to take him home?” Josh asks as he looks between us and wags his brows. “So you two can be alone?”

  Landon scowls. “You brought him here. You’re already the one taking him home.”

  Josh scoffs and jogs a few steps, I look away to make sure that I don’t see any more of Cameron tonight.

  “You’re shaking, Micah. Did he scare you? Are you okay?” Landon’s squeezing me close, and all I can do is lean into him.

  “Just cold.”

  Steven sits near the fire next to Jessica and without a word I step from the warmth of Landon, and walk over to kneel next to him. “How’s things?” I ask trying to play cool when really I just need to touch someone that’s not Landon to see if I actually did change my night.

  “Uh...” His eyes go between me, Jessica and then Landon, almost wary. “Good.”

  “Well, good. Gotta run.” I use his shoulder to push myself to sitting.

  It’s dark, and he’s kissing Jessica. Passion.

  Well. At least it wasn’t him chasing me.

  “What was that?” Jessica whispers as I walk away.

  “No idea,” he answers.

  I’m all clear. I may have changed my night. So simple.

  Landon leans toward me as soon as I get close. “You touched Steven. What’s up?”

  “Nothing.” I shake my head. Because what I saw, I don’t think happens anymore. And I really don’t want to think about me possibly having the ability to make my visions different when we’re at what basically amounts to a remembering party for a girl whose fate I didn’t even try to change.

  Landon opens his mouth to ask again, but he’s interrupted.

  “Come on everybody!” Jessica yells from the fire. She’s waving her arms. The cheerleaders are sporting their uniforms tonight as a tribute.
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  My stomach flips over this time. They lost their friend. I did nothing. I might be able to change things, and I did nothing.

  “Come on.” Landon interrupts my thoughts, and pulls me with him. I want to cling to the feeling of how he feels for me in the vision I get, but it doesn’t stay for long enough.

  The group of us gather around the fire. I’m hit again with how many of us are here.

  Jessica’s voice is loud. I know she hasn’t been drinking, but it has that edge of recklessness to it. “We’ll miss you Lacey! You were one crazy girl!” She hollers and everyone laughs and shouts for a few moments.

  Tears of guilt fall. I shiver in my wet pants, and I hold on to Landon who gives a shout with the rest of them.

  I shouldn’t be here.

  ***

  We’re on my porch. I survived the Lacey party. Mom’s car is gone. Landon’s warm. My breathing is suddenly shallow. I flatten my hands and slide them around his firm sides to his back. My heart feels less broken when we’re close. I pull us together and tilt my face up to kiss him.

  His mouth meets mine and it’s all electricity. His arms wrap around my back, holding me tightly. His lips feel desperate, hungry.

  “Come inside.” I breathe out when I can pull away enough to talk.

  I fumble with my key. Landon’s careful not to break contact with me. I’m grateful. I’m completely distracted by him standing so close, his hands on my waist, his lips on my neck.

  “Can I get you anything?” I ask as I step inside. Only, what a stupid thing to say. All I want is to feel him close to me again.

  “No.” His voice is soft. He shakes his head as he steps toward me.

  Our fingers tighten, and I lead him into the living room. The knot in my stomach is a good one this time. I can’t believe how brave I feel.

  “Come here.” I pull on him.

  Before I understand how we get here, we’re on the couch together. The weight and closeness of him just makes me want more. I wrap my legs around him, and kick off the shoes I forgot to take off at the door. Why isn’t it freaking me out more? To have him this close to me?

  “You’re amazing.” He uses his lips to softly caress my cheek until I need more of him than that.

  My mouth opens. He takes it softly in his, the way I knew he would. I think about our night together, the one that I see. Is it now? Are we just working up to that? My body tenses up and my lungs can’t get as much air as they need. I suddenly don’t feel ready. A half-second ago I was readjusting to get him closer. Now I don’t know what to do.

  Landon pulls away far enough that our eyes meet. I don’t know what to say.

  I’m relieved, but saddened for the loss of his warmth and our lips moving together. “What’s the matter?” I ask. I’m worried I’ve done something wrong.

  “Come here.” He sits back against the corner of the couch and pats his chest, inviting me to lie on him.

  I crawl over the cushion between us and put my head on his chest. His hands carefully slide around me, holding me close, keeping me warm. I want to melt into him and not know where he stops and I begin. My eyes close as I will it to happen.

  His fingers touch the hair around my face. “Are we okay?” His voice is softer than a whisper.

  “Of course we’re okay.” I rub my fingers over the thin fabric of his t-shirt, across his chest and down his abs. My stomach tightens again into something I’ve only felt with him.

  “Thanks for coming with me tonight. I know you weren’t sure about going.”

  “It was fine.” I don’t want to talk about the night. About Lacey.

  “I think we all needed something fun to go with her, you know?”

  That delightful knot in my stomach that made me want Landon closer is now a lead ball in my gut. It’s growing. The words are going to come out, and I know I’ll never be able to take them back. “I saw her.”

  I feel his head pull back and his body tense underneath me. “What do you mean, you saw her?” I can tell by the way he’s moving he wants me to look at him.

  I’m not sure I can.

  “Micah? What do you mean you saw her?” There’s a desperate edge to his voice. The one I was sure was going to be there.

  I open my mouth, but now the words won’t come.

  He scoots out from underneath me and scoots away until we’re no longer touching.

  I sit up and stare at my lap.

  “Micah!”

  My body jumps and tears start streaming down my face. I’ve held on to it for too long. It’s too late, again. I’ve put something else off until it’s too late. “I just…” I’m holding in sobs, because he’s going to react just like he should. The mood is all over the room. Anger. Hurt. “I just brushed against her. I didn’t know. I didn’t know when or how or what or...” I choke on the last words.

  He stands up. “What? What did you see?”

  I know my words are going to come out funny because he looks so panicked, and angry. “The party. I saw the party. And everything went black. I saw it.”

  Anguish fills his features—it’s in his eyes, and the way his body’s gone slack. “Why.” And now he’s fighting for words. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I know it’s going to kill me, but I let my eyes find his anyway. “I wanted to, but the timing, and—”

  “Timing?” His jaw is clenched. His hands in fists. “How about when I asked you if you ever saw something bad? How’s that for timing? No WAY you didn’t think of her then! Or how about when I spilled my guts to you on my boat, huh? How about then?”

  “And what? What would that have changed?” I have no idea why I’m even trying to defend myself. I know I should have done something—especially after tonight.

  “Like seeing someone die is maybe the mark of a good time to tell your mother!” His hand rubs over his head. And it’s like he doesn’t know where to be. How to stand. What to look at.

  “But I...” I’m shaking apart, breaking. He’s mad. At me. He should be. It feels like I caused both her death and his suffering. “I, I didn’t know. I didn’t know. Landon, I thought it could have already happened. I didn’t know she...” died.

  He backs away from me. His voice is now barely above a whisper. “I can’t believe what I shared with you, and you didn’t say anything.”

  I feel each step. Each movement away from me. “I’m sorry, I know I should have told you sooner.”

  “Yeah.” He’s nodding and staring at me with something that looks like disbelief.

  I can’t take it. My eyes stare into the floor.

  “You should have. You should have told me sooner.” His voice is filled with grief.

  “But, don’t you get it? I understand your guilt, Landon. We share the guilt. I get it.” If he could understand that, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

  His mouth drops. “No. No. We don’t share anything! You didn’t hold a dead girl in your arms!” He turns to the door.

  “Please Landon.“ My sobs are splitting my body, my insides. Tears have soaked my face, my shirt.

  “No. Micah. I need space.” His voice is exhausted, low, and filled with something I’m not sure I understand from him, but it scares me. Makes me wonder what he means by space. Actually, he’s probably letting me down easy—though I wonder why he’d try after this.

  “I knew you’d leave.” Of course he would. Why did I try? I knew it wasn’t worth the risk. I knew it.

  He stares at me with this expression I can’t read. His face is flat, full of grief, and his eyes are slightly wider than normal. Like he’s here but not here.

  His hands go over his head again, wipe at the edges of his eyes. “Just space,” he whispers. “To get my head on straight.”

  “You won’t be back.” I’m choking on the words. But I knew it before we even got started. I didn’t need visions to see this one coming.

  He steps forward and reaches his hand out. No words. Just the same haunted expression.

  His face is defeated. I ca
n’t keep looking, but I also can’t resist the temptation to touch his hand again. I let my fingers brush against his.

  Total sorrow. Loss. Pain. Despair. He’s drunk. Sitting on the edge of the dock. He’s practically wallowing in self-pity.

  “Figures.” I jerk away. He didn’t learn a damn thing, and now he’s mad at me. Fine.

  “What?”

  “You’re the one who suddenly hates what I can do! If you need space then just go! Get it over with.” Tears run down my face.

  His slow movements are scarier than yelling would be. He half stumbles toward the door, and walks out.

  Everything swims. My body. My tears. The pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt. It wraps its barbed claws around me until I’m sobbing on the floor.

  NINETEEN

  I don’t eat all weekend. Food turns my stomach. I don’t sleep.

  I walk outside daring that shadow to come out. The thing that moves. I have nothing to lose right now. “Come on!” I yell. “Where are you! Stop hiding!” My vision is swimming. No calories. No sleep.

  I see nothing.

  “Come get me if you want to! Just get it over with already!”

  My cell phone rests in my hands for what feels like hours hoping for Landon to call, or for me to have the guts to talk to Dad, but I can’t make my fingers press the buttons. Mom does her pickup for fresh milk out at the dairy farm and Ethan goes with her. They’re going to make a day of it. I tell her I think I have the flu. There’s no other explanation I can give for what a disaster I am.

  Maybe my yelling is keeping Landon from calling. Maybe he’s pushed all the hurt from Lacey away and our fight brought it all back.

  Mom kisses my forehead, and I get hit with how she’s falling in love with Ethan. I bite my lip to keep from crying until she walks out the door. How will I survive school?

  TWENTY

  “Can I get a ride today?” I ask Mom.

  She’s afraid to ask why I need one. I can see the hesitation all over her face. “Did something happen?” She picks her bag off the floor.

  Did something happen. What a loaded question. I want to scream back. Yes! Something happened! I see things, Mom. And my life sucks because of it. And I’m a coward and can’t tell you. And then I found someone I could tell, someone who wasn’t you. And then I didn’t tell him the one thing I should have. And now he hates me because of Lacey, almost as much as I hate myself because of Lacey. Isn’t that awesome?