Why?
*
I was standing in the church, just a few hours before the inevitable.
Watching the decoration with a broken heart, my eyes fell on the pure white matching the dark red, and the white carpet on the aisle was covered with rose petals. There were bouquets of roses at the end of every bench, and the staff from the orchestra started to appear from the back door.
Walking slowly towards the altar, I felt the petals bending underneath my heels and I sighed. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This is not the way things were supposed to go!
I shouldn’t be here, full of regrets, waiting for him to make a completely wrong decision.
I remembered his smile, the way it lightened my day just like the sweet sunshine, how he had understood me completely every time, and every situation, and he had been there, always next to me, supporting me, caring about me… And now he was about to make the most important step with… somebody else.
And I couldn’t change anything anymore. I couldn't understand why. I couldn't understand how. And I was standing in front of the altar, with nothing else but regrets and old memories that I would never recover.
*
I knew this was wrong, although I had no idea how to make it right. I am here, but no one cares, I am hurt, still no one notices. Nothing makes sense, and nothing matters anymore. I couldn’t believe how all the people I used to know and love could be that careless.
They were all happy.
Matt and Monica didn’t care about me at all; they were still getting married in a few minutes.
Gabrielle and Jensen were happy too, they were just married and still on cloud nine. I was happy for them, because they were perfect together, all beautiful and glorious.
Rick was miserable, like me, but he didn’t want to talk or anything.
And all I could feel was pain – loud and clear, heavy pressing on my chest and denying any other feeling. Just a continue sensation of numbness and weakness.
*
The preacher followed his way through the ceremony, while my heart was pounding in my chest, my body was shaking, and I felt how all the air left my lungs. I couldn’t watch this, but I was frozen, like there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t even blink, I just stared at him from the last line of chairs, and he looked so happy smiling widely at her, and Monica blushing and gently squeezing his hand. My heart ached and tears appeared in my eyes.
“Matthew Nicholls, do you take Monica Martin to be your wife in healthiness and sickness,” the preacher started, but I wasn’t hearing anymore.
“No!” I said and jumped out of my seat.
In a matter of seconds, all eyes were on me, and I was so surprised I knew nobody. There were just empty faces on people I’ve never seen. My heart was beating faster now, my knees weak and my breath heavy. Matt turned and looked at me, and his face was impassive, as he stared at me.
I couldn’t see anyone else but him, and he was there, and even though I was so far away in the back of the church, but it was like I was standing next to him.
“I’m sorry, you can’t do this,” I started talking and somehow instead of relaxing, every word came harder. “I love you, I’m sorry I didn’t say this earlier, it’s just stupid you shouldn’t marry Monica, because you don’t love her!”
I didn’t even look at her, at the person I’ve shared an apartment with for almost four years, the person I’ve been so close to, and whom I’ve called one of my best friends. And she was holding Matt’s hand so tight, Matt, the guy I was in love with since I finished high school.
It should be a book somewhere to explain what to do now, but it wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do or say, I was just there looking at him, pleading him to change his mind.
“I know you think this is good right now, but it’s not, and you know it,” I continued with a hoarse voice. I wanted to yell at him, to make him see this, but I couldn’t. “Everything is so screwed up, Matt, and I thought I could move on, but seriously, since Christmas you and I have been different, and now this? This can’t be happening, we… we were perfect,” I said and tears started falling. “I’m sorry I did this now, but it is kind of the right moment,” I said, his expression still blank. “I love you, Matt Nicholls,” I whispered and there was nothing else in my mind.
I knew he had to reason this out, to understand he wasn’t the kind of guy who’d marry someone like Monica. He was the guy who I was supposed to be with, and he knew it as well I did. Matt and I were perfect for each other.
He opened his mouth to say something, he sighed and turned to look at Monica, but my eyes couldn’t leave his face. “No, Emma,” he whispered.
And then I woke up.
Epilogue
~ Matt Nicholls ~
Two years later
I woke up and the New York sunrays were lighting my room. It was a sunny day and what I loved most about it is the fact that today is Saturday. I looked around my room and the smile created by the weather outside faded, remembering that I was 30 years old and I was living in New York, sharing an apartment with my best friend since high school, Ben.
Of course living in New York with your best friend has its perks, like going out and coming back at which hour you’d like or staying late talking or playing Xbox and teasing each other.
After taking a brief shower I went to the kitchen and found Ben sitting on a chair with the newspaper in front of him, and as well a bowl of cereals. At 30 years old. Cereals! I giggled and he looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
“Rise and shine, Nicholls,” he greeted with a grin. “I managed to finish the crosswords. It was a hell of a crossword… But I did. Why? Because I’m awesome, man.”
“Yeah…” I said as I looked into the fridge and my stomach growled. I missed my home’s meals and a nice table with the people I loved… But here I had my career which was going so well I could actually support my family and do more things than I did in L.A.
“Hey,” Ben said as he left the New York Times on the table and observed me with a serious expression. “You miss L.A.?” he asked suddenly.
“Of course. I know it’s been like two weeks, but it’s not…” I sighed and started to make a sandwich. “I miss food, especially,” I joked and Ben rolled his eyes.
“I can make you a nice dinner so you’ll stay here the next weekend too.”
“Ha ha, no,” I said and Ben laughed. “Thanks for the offer, but…” I looked at my left hand and the golden ring on my fourth finger shone into the light. “Taken, man,” I said and Ben laughed.
“By the way, guess who called this morning. But I answered for you and we had a long, nice chat and everything was so great she forgot about you. So did Luke. That shows that I’m more awesome than you could ever be, Nicholls, but… I guess you already know that,” Ben said with a shrug and I rolled my eyes.
I sat on the table and took the newspaper while I was finishing the sandwich. Ben, like a five year old, was still eating his cereals while checking his mails on his Blackberry. There was nothing interesting in New York for the weekend and my mind wondered back in L.A, where my beautiful wife was.
The memories of how beautiful she was appeared in my mind and I couldn’t hide a smile. I remembered every single thing we did in a matter of seconds, and just those memories made me feel so alive. Except for the fact that she was in L.A., and I was in New York.
It wasn’t like she didn’t like New York, because, oh, she did and we have some good memories here, before and after our wedding, but she found this amazing job just before I did and she finally was doing something in designs that she totally loved and when the job offer came, I couldn’t make her move here with me. So I was living with Ben now, who was still single at 30 years old, and still enjoying his bachelor status.
Back in the day, I would’ve sworn Ben would get married before I did. He was that kind of guy, the one who is capable of making someone feel safe and he made enough money to have a famil
y. But he wasn’t, in fact. He enjoyed being a bachelor, even though at my wedding I saw regret in his eyes. But anyone would be jealous of my marriage. Hell, even I was jealous of it. It was so amazing I couldn’t even realize that I was married.
My family was so happy about it, obviously my mom loved her so much that she could actually adopt her. If it wasn’t for her mom, maybe she would’ve. And the fact that our families got along so well made it so much better, considering we were spending the holidays back in Connecticut every time and it wasn’t awkward or anything. It was still a bit awkward with Rick, but Ben made things easier when he called Rick to come party with us over two years ago.
“What are we up to today?” Ben asked out of a sudden and I shrugged.
In the weekends when I stayed in New York, we did nothing else but get drunk or party, so probably that was our plan for the weekend, too.
“You’re so annoying today, Nicholls,” Ben sighed and ran a hang through his messy hair. “Maybe I should talk to my boss and convince him to give you his private plane to go in L.A,” he said and he seemed to think for a moment and then looked at me with a smirk. “Oh, wait… Do you know who my boss is?”
“An arrogant jackass?” I asked and Ben punched me hard in the shoulder.
“Okay, I won’t talk to him anymore,” he said and he seemed offended. “But he’s a nice guy, okay? In his free time at least.”
“You need a girlfriend, dude… Stop bragging about yourself. I’m my boss, too, I’m just not this that kind of presumptuous CEOs, okay? I don’t want a private plane, for Christ’s sake. You don’t go anywhere anyway, so why would you buy a private plane?”
“My friend… Because I can,” Ben said and I laughed and nodded.
The truth is in the last two years Ben’s boss died and he was so good at Marketing that he just replaced him, and became the youngest CEO in that company. Even though Ben had a lot of crazy requests like buying a private plane or having a partnership with Starbucks, the company was going so much better with him in charge. You wouldn’t have thought, right? No, I actually thought about it. I knew how dedicated he was and he loved it, so everything he deserved much more than that.
“Seriously, bro, do you want to? I can call Ryan and he’ll take care of the plane in just…,” he looked at his expensive watch and said, “30 minutes.”
“It’s too much, dude, don’t worry. Plus I have to be back Monday morning at 7, and…”
“You can come back tomorrow night and… you know. Still. You love and miss her, c’mon. It’s just a phone call away,” he winked at me and I sighed. Of course I couldn’t refuse going back to L.A. even if it was for a few hours.
“You don’t mind?”
“Why else would we have a private plane?” Ben asked as he formed a number on his cellphone.
“You do…”
“You’re my bro, we share things. Except for your hot wife, I know. But if you…”
“Don’t push it,” I said and Ben laughed.
*
The flight was annoyingly long and even though Ben’s plane was as comfortable as his place in Manhattan, I still couldn’t wait to see her. It was a five-hour flight and I was almost going insane. I drank a glass of whisky, because the stewardess was nice and I couldn’t say no.
It was 5 PM when I arrived at the private airport in L.A. and it took me about half an hour to drive through the infernal traffic. Not that New York doesn’t have bad traffic, cause man it does, but I loved New York so much! Especially because my office is 5 minutes away from Ben’s place, and I should call it “our place” since I’ve been living there for over a year, but I’m still not used to that.
The house we live in now is pretty big and near to the beach and I just love waking up and seeing the sun rise from the sea. Plus I do my jogging on the beach now and it is easier to do so in the morning, instead of wasting time at the gym.
I looked at the house next to us, it was vintage style and it had a lot more space than my place. And I was angry because the house next to us belonged to Jensen and Gabrielle, who were happily married for like two and a half years. They had a little daughter called Jay and everything was going perfect for them.
Opening the door, I realized there was no noise in my house. I sighed and dropped my backpack on the floor and took out my black hat and ran a hand through my hair. I slowly walked on the long hallway towards the kitchen and poured a glass of water and added ice. Everything looked so familiar and great, and I had a nice feeling that I was finally home. A smile spread on my face when I heard the back door open and I turned around, still holding the glass of water in my hand, and there she was, as beautiful as ever.
*
“Hey, are you okay?” I asked when Emma started to move in her sleep. She opened her eyes and looked at me pretty confused and I took her small hand in mine and took it to my lips and she sighed.
“I had that dream again,” she said and I rolled my eyes.
I looked into her eyes and smiled to myself. It is really funny how after all this time, my heart still beats like crazy every time she smiles at me. She raised her hand and slowly caressed my cheek and smiled back.
“It’s not funny,” Emma said and let go of my hand. “It’s a torture, it’s been two years now…”
“You’re just adorable,” I said and kissed her.
The truth is Emma was having nightmares about me marrying Monica for a while now. They weren’t too often, but it still bothered her to think I could’ve made that mistake. It bothered me, too. I was stupid when I hooked up with Monica, but thank God everything turned out to be okay.
“No, it’s… I hate it. Thinking you actually could’ve married her. And in my mind it’s still so clear.”
“I’m sorry. See, this is what I meant when I said you couldn’t get over that,” I said and ran a hand through my hair in desperation. “It’s been two years and fuck it, I’m sorry. You know you’re the only one I’ve ever loved, Emma. And the only one I ever will. And somehow this is not enough.”
She was without doubt perfect. Not just because I was madly in love with her, but because I knew her completely and appreciated and loved everything about her. It was really funny how after two years since we’ve been together, I was still as crazy as ever about her. I knew why I loved her, but I couldn’t understand why she loved me back the way she did. I mean, I’m not selling myself short now, I know I have the looks and I’m pretty intelligent, and of course you wouldn’t find a person more modest than I am, but she seems to see something else in me. I can see it from the way she always smiles at me, how she kisses me… This has been flawless. Except the moments when she has nightmares about me marrying Monica and she spends quite a while hating me, even though it’s not my fault. Not anymore.
I could easily remember every moment I’ve spent with her, and considering we’ve known each other for over almost 8 years now, that meant a lot. We’ve had our good times and bad ones, but I like to think that we’ve passed them successfully.
It was crazy to imagine myself without her. She was a part of me and I can barely remember how my life was before I met her. I slowly ran my hand through her hair and she smiled sweetly at me as her soft lips touched mine. I couldn’t feel anything but proud to wake up next to her every morning, and realize that I’m the luckiest guy on the planet.
“You know I told you we’re gonna be together forever, Ems?” I asked and she looked at me and seemed to think a little bit about it. “I cannot believe you don’t remember that!” I complained and her sweet laugh filled the room.
“It’s not that I… I don’t remember,” she confessed and I laughed as well and pulled her closer to me and kissed her.
“I told you in Connecticut, Ems…” I sighed and she looked at me and then smiled. “On Valentine’s Day, remember?”
“Oh, yeah… I do remember that one now,” she bit her lip and smiled widely. “After that you caught a cold because you thought it wa
s so fun to be in the rain in the middle of the winter…”
“Yeah, Emma, forgive me for being romantic with you,” I said sarcastically and took her left hand to my lips. I watched her golden wedding ring sparkle in the sunshine that went through the opened window.
I thought about how stupid I was for letting her go that time. This was something I couldn’t forgive myself for. It was annoying as hell to know I’ve spent over eight months without her, because I was too stupid to realize she loved me back as much as I did. It was too stupid to keep going with the joke Monica and I were. Because we were just a joke. We couldn’t be as great as I am with Emma, because she matches me completely. She sometimes knows me better than I know myself and she is never selfish, like Monica was.
Don’t get me wrong, Monica and I still have a good relationship and there are no hard feelings. At least not anymore.
Of course it wasn’t nice that I left her and called off the wedding so shortly. But I wasn’t supposed to be the one Monica should marry, and the fact that I realized it at that Christmas party while being drunk and it hit me like a lightning bolt. That I could’ve made a mistake that would’ve cost me my entire life.
Emma pulled me closer to her and kissed me softly again. Then I heard the door open and Emma chucked and shifted in bed and I closed my eyes and sighed. I felt the bed moving under a small weight, and then an arm touch my shoulder.
“Daddy. Wake up. I know you pletending to sleep and it not nice.”
I tried not to laugh as I opened my eyes and saw my two year old, Lucas, standing on top of me with his eyes wide opened and all excited.
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