by J. P. Rice
Felix popped in and his wide eyes landed on Tamamo no Mae. He yelled, “Ooohhh, foxy lady. I’m coming to get you next.”
If I were in my right mind, I would probably be rolling on the floor laughing. Instead, my feet were cemented to the floor and I was at the mercy of several black magic sorcerers and a devil. Felix disappeared. Still unable to move my neck, my wandering eye shifted back on my enemies.
Felix’s voice sounded from the hallway, “I killed one of them, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. My tank’s running low and they got Cyclone Woman back into that room.”
I couldn’t say a word. I wanted to. I wanted to scream to Felix to get the fuck out of here because I would be useless from here on out. I was more like an albatross right now.
If a monster like me died so a good white hat like Felix would survive, it would be worth it. Unfortunately, I had absolutely no control over that matter now.
Tamamo no Mae spun around and her tails came at me like a whirling dervish, slapping the shit out of me as they rang off the side of my head. She loved that fucking thing. I just stood there and absorbed every single smack. Every last eye watering, brain jarring, tooth loosening, hard as a cast iron frying pan whack.
As soon as she finished the furious assault that left me discombobulated, Kobayashi crouched down and sprang forward with his hands in front of him. The bottoms of his palms drove into my sternum and launched me backward. My shoulders crashed into something that gave way and the sound of shattering glass rang in my ears.
I flew backward through the large glass window and landed in the fine mulch that smelled like steamy shit. As I tried to get up from the moist manure covered lightly with mulch, the earth started to rumble and quake.
The tremors only lasted for a few seconds, which could only mean one thing.
Artoise. My guardian angel had arrived on the scene. This was the first time he could really help me. Artoise had the ability to stop time for one minute and only I could move during his visits. Everyone else remained completely still. I stood up and, holy shit, I was in control of myself again. Hot damn.
The holographic vision of Artoise appeared in the front lawn. Artoise Saint Delacroix was a tall, thin, olive-skinned Parisian with a bald head. He was wearing his normal attire, sandals and a burgundy robe.
He staggered toward me. “Mike, you need to get the fuck out of here.” His breath reeked like the inside of a Gin bottle.
As I picked some broken glass from my suit, I explained, “I can’t. Felix is still inside.”
“Right. Smart thinking. You need to steal his keys because he drove,” he slurred his words. “Hurry up.”
Apparently, he’d never heard the phrase ‘no man left behind.’ Well, it meant something to me. “What? No. I’m not stealing his car and leaving him here. That’s cowardly. He wouldn’t do that to me.”
“You sure about that?” he asked, leaning his glistening forehead forward.
Come to think of it, he had wanted payment for most of our exploits. No. Not right now. “Yes. I’m sure. I’m going back in. Later.”
“Just thought I would help you for fox sake.” Artoise laughed. “Get it, because you were just slapped around by those fox tails.”
And now my drunken guardian angel had transitioned into a comedian. I needed to talk to the Celtic Gods about trading Artoise in for someone else. “Yeah, no, I got it. You’d probably like Felix. He’s got jokes too. You guys would get along. See ya.”
Artoise waved in silence and I jumped back into the action.
I climbed through the broken window to get back inside. Landing on the hardwood, I continued to the hallway. Holy shit. Felix was telling the truth. One of the sorcerers sprawled out on the ground appeared dead. His blackened flesh started smoking and I realized we were back in real time.
I yelled to Felix, “We gotta get out of here. We can’t win right now.” I wasn’t sure if the implant would take control again so leaving was the best option right now.
“Fuck. Yeah. Lead the way,” he yelled, out of breath.
I noticed the happy couple had moved to the foyer to block our exit through the front door. Felix fired a frozen orb at Yabe or Sakai (I wasn’t sure who was who) to distract him. I grabbed my friend’s shirt and dragged him into the abandoned room. I asked, “Can we get to Cyclone Woman and get her out of here?”
“No way. We would die trying,” he confirmed what I’d thought. Escape was our only option.
As I pushed him toward the broken window, I pointed and said, “Go through here. I’ll follow you.”
The shorter Felix hooked his leg outside and straddled the pane before swinging his other leg through the opening. I followed him out and ducked a flaming lightning bolt. I put my hand on the grass for support and pushed myself back up. We dashed for his car. Peeking over my shoulder, it didn’t look like the sorcerers had come outside but I only caught a cursory glance.
We made it to the car and Felix fumbled in his pocket for the keys. It was hard to pry items out of the pockets on these suits, but we were like sitting ducks right now. He looked up with concern dashing in his eyes. “Bro, the keys are inside the house.”
Lowering my head, I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Oh, wait, what do we have here?” Felix pulled out a set of keys and jingled them in front of his face.
“You son of a bitch. I ought to slap the shit out of you.” So everyone was a fucking comedian now. We hopped in the car and I stared at the house. I couldn’t see any of the sorcerers.
Felix started the ignition and revved the engine. He pulled a much better U-turn than before, and we took off, away from the Seven Sorcerers’ hideout without the prize we had come for. Fuck. We’d just given them ample reason to kill Cyclone Woman and take her powers. Hindsight attacked in the form of a giant hand slapping me across the face. Of course, now it seemed like a stupid plan.
But we literally had her in our hands. We were on the way out the door. I knew it was too good to be true. The fact that they hadn’t killed Cyclone Woman actually gave me a glimpse of hope. It made me think that the sorcerers were using Cyclone Woman as bait to get at Great Grandmother.
If they killed Cyclone Woman, I had to believe that Great Grandmother would know her soul had died and stop searching. One thing had been made clear during this attempt. We needed some help. If the demon implant took over during another battle, we weren’t guaranteed to escape with our lives again.
“Do you know of anyone who might be interested in helping us out? Any pure magic practitioners you know of?” I asked Felix.
He took a hit off his vape pen and exhaled. He spoke with a high-pitched voice as smoke flowed from his mouth and nose, “I might know of a few people. They’re like me though. They likes to get paid, son.”
I had the sudden urge to backhand Felix. “Seems to be a trend with everyone. Everyone except me.”
He turned and looked at me with his eyebrows raised. “Bro, you just pocketed two mil from the mayor. I’ll bet that much cash will soak up all those faux tears.” He started to veer into the other lane.
I pointed at the road, and said, “Dude, you’re driving.”
His neck snapped and his eyes were back on the road again, straightening out the vehicle and getting back into our lane.
Why had he brought that shit up? I had never asked the mayor for money, he had offered it to me. But that was neither here nor there right now. I needed help, as hard as that was to admit. “Why don’t you put together a little list and have them contact me for an interview?”
“Interview?” he asked, shoving his vape pen between his lips.
What could be confusing about that word? “Yeah. Like a chance for me to talk to them and ask a question or two. You know, a job interview.”
“I’ll see what I can do. These aren’t the kind of people that carry around resumes or anything like that,” he explained.
My main point with the interview was to make sure I could w
ork with the person without wanting to kill them. “I get that. Keep in mind that we are going to Japan soon when you make the list. I want this person to come with us, so make sure it’s someone who can leave town in the next few days.”
We pulled onto my block, and Felix said, “That shouldn’t be a problem, bro.”
I needed an insurance plan in case the implant kicked back in at an inopportune time. Sounded like a good idea since I had plenty of money. I just had to hire someone, so we could fill this Blood Goblet. Then we could stop the curse on Cyclone Woman, so she could retake control of the weather. My impatient half wanted to complete this case immediately.
But first, I had to add a mercenary to the squad.
Chapter 16
I waited for the last interviewee to show up as I sat back in my desk chair. The decision was all but officially announced. Felix had given me five names with a short bio attached to each candidate. Four interviews had already taken place. Three sucked and one blew me away with his knowledge of the supernatural worlds.
I checked out Felix’s notes under the final name, Glenda Gold. Sounded like a stage name.
Supernatural bounty hunter/hit woman. Brazilian. Early 30s? In your face attitude. Smart ass. Little rough around the edges. Likes to drink, smoke and gamble. She’s a badass, but you probably won’t want her since you don’t drink or smoke no mo.
Felix was right about that. I didn’t need that temptation right now, especially with how low I felt about killing Reg. It would be nice to be able to drown my sorrows in some Jameson.
Jonathan had been calling me three times a day asking if I’d seen Reg, and I had lied to him every single time. Each call felt like a knife in my chest. A friendly reminder of what a terrible person I was.
The door flew open and crashed against the wall. I jumped up and brought my magic to the surface. A thick, dark-skinned female with wavy black hair to her waist stood in the doorway. She cracked open a Pabst Blue Ribbon tall can and chugged it until it was gone. Foamy suds ran down her neck and soaked the collar of her blue t-shirt that had ‘We’re Not Alone’ written across the chest.
Glenda’s skin glowed as if the richest brown dye had been mixed elegantly with the brightest gold ever seen. Even her black hair, although dirty and messy, carried an argent sparkle. She stood a few inches shorter than me, probably right under six feet. However, the big woman probably outweighed me by a good bit.
Her brown eyes focused intently on me. She looked like a woman that didn’t fuck around. And it appeared she had the size to back it up. She was wearing jeans, big ass-stomping leather boots up to her calves and a blue long-sleeved t-shirt under an old army jacket.
Glenda set her hands at the top and bottom of the can. As she twisted and crushed it into the shape of a hockey puck, she let out a burp that Booger from Revenge of the Nerds would have been proud of. “Hey pantywaist, you got a garbage can or should I throw this out on the street?”
Although I didn’t like being called names, I liked her spunk already.
Without speaking, I leaned down, grabbed my garbage bin and walked around my desk. As I set the bin down, the woman I assumed to be Glenda Gold fired a fastball into the cylinder. A trail of leftover beer escaped from the holes in the can and hit my forearm. It smelled good. I bet it tasted pretty good too.
As I rose back up to my feet, Glenda sparked a red Bic lighter in her left hand and went to light the Black and Mild hanging from her thick lips, which were coated in shiny black lipstick.
I waved my hands and objected, “Whoa. No smoking in here.”
Her stern facial features twisted in confusion. “What are you, allergic to smoke?” She spoke with the Black and Mild dangling from her lips, bouncing up and down as she talked.
I already had one wiseass in my life with Dante. Did I really need another one? “No. I’m not allergic to smoke. I have rules here.”
“Then this won’t work.” She lit the cigarette and blew the smoke toward my face. “Later, bitch.”
She turned her big backside toward me and headed for the door. I wasn’t sure if the implant had taken over, but I spoke without thinking, “Wait. Maybe I can open a window.” The back of my neck started tingling like it did when I thought about my mother’s spirit. It whispered to my soul that I should at least talk to Glenda.
“Glenda, I assume. Take a seat,” I said, gesturing to the seat in front of my desk. My single room office was pretty sorry looking. I had my desk near the front door and two other chairs behind me. The only other piece of furniture was the chair Glenda was currently parked in.
“Glenda Gold,” she clarified and bowed her head mockingly. “Felix said you’re Mike, but you spell your name weird or something.”
I chuckled internally. “Mike is fine. Don’t worry about the spelling.”
“Cool, cuz I don’t give a peanut-filled shit about that,” she said, exhaling a cloud of cigarillo smoke out the window. She produced another PBR seemingly out of nowhere and opened it up. She took a few big gulps and belched again. “We need to get one thing straight if I am to help you kill some supernatural baddies. I don’t work for you or any other man. You might be paying me, but I only work for myself. If you ask me to do something I don’t agree with, I’ma tell you fuck off.” She pulled a silver crucifix on a leather necklace out of her shirt and kissed it.
On second thought, she had an overflowing supply of spunk or pizazz. She kind of reminded me of me from a few years ago. Unfortunately for her, that wasn’t a compliment. “Why do you want to work with us?”
“I like killing those supernatural jagoffs. I’m good at it. Please tell me you’re going after vampires. Fucking hate vampires. I was born in Brazil and had a normal childhood. Then I started finding things in the woods and nobody believed me when I told them about it.” She started to get choked up and sniffled. “Nowadays, I’m the person they call when they see those things.,” she stated in a matter of fact tone.
I waited to see if she wanted to continue the story. After twenty seconds of awkward silence, I got the hint she wanted to change the subject. “What kind of magic do you practice?”
“Several forms. Brazilian, Druidic, Greek and Egyptian mainly. But I dabble in as many as I can.” She dented the can right under the mouthpiece so that it would flow out faster. I’d used that trick in my heavy drinking days.
I shifted my vision to check out her magical vines. Holy shit. Unless it was a decoy, she was five times more powerful than any of the other candidates. Even though I felt like shit and wanted to die, Glenda gave Felix and me the best chance of surviving a battle with Shuten dōji.
Now that the meet and greet was out of the way, it was time to get down to brass tacks. “Are you willing to travel to Japan for this job?”
Her eyebrows arched, and she asked, “Do they got booze and weed in Japan?”
“They probably do. Do you need those things for a job? Wouldn’t you be better off being sober when you fight this legendary demon?”
“Nope.” She belched and smiled. “I need those things to get in the zone.” She leaned back in the chair and kicked her feet up on my desk.
“Sure, make yourself at home. The thing is, we are going to have to hike up a huge mountain. Carrying a couple of cases of beer doesn’t sound like a good idea.”
She covered her mouth and muttered, “Pussy.”
“Excuse me?” I asked as her charm started to wear off.
She looked up at the ceiling. “Oh nothing. I meant to say that you’re a really brave guy.” She barely finished the last few words and cracked up laughing.
I didn’t mind her sass, but I needed people that could function under any circumstance. “Let me throw out a hypothetical. Would you be able to operate if you didn’t have booze and weed?”
She looked at the can of PBR. “I can get by with just the booze and B and Ms or Newports.”
I warned her, “If you buy beer there, you are responsible for transporting it. I won’t help you and I doubt
Felix will either.” I sounded like a parent.
She laughed and took her feet down off my desk. “I might be a girl, but I’m no bitch. I’ll carry my own shit. You just worry about yourself. How much you payin’ me?”
I hadn’t given that much thought. “You’re the first mercenary I’ve ever hired. I’m not sure of the going rate.”
She leaned forward in the chair and put her Black and Mild out on the inside of my garbage can. As she sat back up, we made eye contact. “Ten grand or I walk out that door and you never see me again.” She pointed blindly behind her. Although she wasn’t actually pointing at the door, her message was clear.
The negotiator inside me sprang to life. Without much thought, I said, “Five. You would have major bragging rights if you were to bag Shuten dōji. You’d be primed for future jobs around Pittsburgh. I’ll make sure Felix mentions your name to the press.”
She rolled her eyes as a look of disgust spread across her face. “I don’t give two shits about that nonsense. Listen up, little boy. You got me traveling to another country, climbing a damn mountain and I gotta mule my own swill up the hill. Ten grand, pansy.” She lit another Black and Mild cigarillo and blew her smoke in my direction. She stood up, eyeballing me the entire time. She hit her smoke a few more times and filled my office with a big cloud. Through the haze, I watched as she purposely tapped her cigarette next to my garbage can and the long silver cap fell onto my carpet.
Bitch. No, a stone-cold bitch. I really liked her now. If she wasn’t going to take any shit from the guy who was paying her, I almost felt sorry for her enemies.
Money. It didn’t really matter to me. I wanted to see if it did to her. She’d made a few nice points and her magical skills appeared to be head and shoulders above the rest of the applicants. “Ten grand it is. Be ready to leave tomorrow.”
She smiled and waved some of the smoke in the room out the window. “Oh wait. I can’t leave tomorrow.”