by S. M. West
My gaze is fixed out the passenger window, not wanting to lie. I can feel the heat of Cass’s stare through the rear-view mirror, but I don’t meet her gaze either.
“What are we talking about?” she asks.
“Pip and her mood. Did she say anything to you?”
“Well, if she did, that’s between me and her. You’ll have to ask her yourself,” she says.
“Why do you always pull that shit?” There’s a smile in his tone. “You’re marrying me, you know. I should have your loyalty.”
“Honey, I’m loyal to you always. But Pippa’s mood or love life or anything else—unless she’s in danger or as a result of something you did—doesn’t concern you.”
Now in my driveway, he shifts forward in his seat, ready to bolt. “Fine, I’ll ask her myself.”
Once the car is parked, he marches into the house, up to Pippa’s room, wanting answers. The guy can be a pain in the ass, but he’s perceptive, when he wants to be, and genuinely cares about his family.
She isn’t in her room. Cass finds a note on the kitchen counter.
Don’t wait up. See you tomorrow. P xo
I wait for hours for her return before finally falling asleep. She doesn’t come home. Finn convinces himself she’s met someone and is with him. He has no concerns with her sneaking off with a stranger so long as it isn’t one of his friends. Warped but understandable given the past.
As for me, even an imaginary guy—he doesn’t exist—makes me crazy.
“Can we go home today?” I catch Pippa asking Finn the next morning as she walks out onto the deck.
She wants to go home? My stomach lurches, and I follow them outside. “Go home? You guys aren’t staying for the weekend?”
“Yeah, we’re staying.” Finn flicks his wrist in Pippa’s direction. “Miss Grumpy Pants didn’t get enough sleep last night because she was too busy chasing some boy. Who’s the asshole?”
Pippa raises an eyebrow at her brother before shooting me a cold, indifferent glare. I’m blowing this. My chance with her. Talking with Finn last night only reinforced that his sister will always be forbidden.
My choice: Pippa or Finn.
Choosing Pippa means destroying my life-long friendship with Finn. He’s been nothing but clear with how he feels about his sisters with any of his friends. I have a sound argument, but he’ll see this as a betrayal. Nothing else. Can I live with him hating me?
Not to mention our families. Over the years, jokes have been made about Pippa liking me, and every time, Mom silently watches. Her expression isn’t upset or concerned, just blank. But later she seeks me out and says the same thing, every time.
“Drew, Pippa cares about you, a lot. I used to think it was a schoolgirl crush, but it’s only gotten more obvious, and most probably stronger, over the years. I know you care about her, but ask yourself, is your attraction curiosity? Or something more? She’s a beautiful girl, and anyone would be flattered to have her attention. Ask yourself, are your feelings true?”
At first, I took offense. I wasn’t looking to get my rocks off or boost my ego. Then I realized, I’d never admitted my attraction to Pippa or that I thought about acting on it, but Mom saw all of this.
Pippa is like a daughter to her, and like me, she wonders about the fallout if any kind of relationship with Pippa blows up.
As for our families, I’m not sure what Tamsin and Colin, Pippa’s parents, would say. I’ve always had a good relationship with them, but sleeping with their daughter changes everything.
Paige and Cass are the only ones okay with us. Paige has even gone so far as to text me several times this week threatening to castrate me if I hurt Pippa.
And let’s just say we get together but eventually fizzle, then what? Our families are intricately intertwined. We’d see each other for the rest of our lives.
Sure, I’ve managed to stay away from her this past year, but it was damn hard. A lot harder than one would think. And then there were the times before that when I avoided her as best as I could.
I picture myself fleeing over the fence in my mom’s backyard the time Pippa unexpectedly came for dinner. Not my finest moment. Or the time I lied about a work emergency, so Scarlett and I could leave the minute Pippa showed up unannounced.
With more thoughts about how stressful the last few years have been dodging Pippa, lying to myself about how I feel, and now having to face Finn, are we doing the right thing? Maybe now isn’t the right time for us. Or maybe we’re not meant to be together despite our undeniable attraction.
“I want to go home,” Pippa says, breaking through my turbulent thoughts. Her words leave me restless.
“Stay the weekend.” Trampling over caution, I go to her as she looks out over the water, a curtain of blonde hair facing me.
Suddenly being near her isn’t enough. She’s closed herself to me, and the cold draft chills me to the bones.
“What the hell is going on?” Finn’s coffee mug makes a clanking sound when it hits the patio table.
Like a jackhammer, my heart beats faster. “What?”
Pippa remains still, unresponsive, unmoving.
“First, she’s moody like she’s on the rag,” Finn snips, and Pippa shakes her head, disgusted. “And you’re off. You okay, buddy?”
“What?” I’m still puzzled, not sure where he is going with this. Do I grab the reins of our conversation before we get lost or, worse, thrown from the horse?
“You’ve been, I don’t know, weird. Are you and Scarlett getting back together?”
“What?” I can’t keep up with him.
“Would you fucking stop with the what?” The corners of his mouth tug upward. “Are you and Scarlett getting back together? Cass said she was here earlier in the week.”
Finn waggles his brows, eyes sparkling impishly. How does Cass know about Scarlett’s visit? Pippa must have said something.
Finn isn’t Scarlett’s number one fan, but they got along, and he knew we were serious.
“No, we’re not. She came to see the place.” I sip my coffee, hoping the caffeine will clear the cobwebs because I’m out of the loop.
“Really?” He winks. “Why did you and Scarlett break up? I thought you’d marry her,” Finn pushes, like he knows something.
“So did I,” is all I say.
We’ve had this conversation before, and I couldn’t explain it any better then than I can now. Pippa gasps beside me as if my admission is a punch to her chest. I hadn’t thought to clarify my response.
I didn’t mean I had planned on proposing or anything, it just would have been the next step. Her tortured gaze matches the ache she rubs on her chest.
“I mean—” I start at the same time she says, “I’m leaving and will come back for you on Sunday.”
She looks at her brother. I might as well not be here and I grind my molars together, a ball of fire burning my chest.
“Pip, stay.” I don’t care that my words are a plea.
Finn’s brows rise to his hairline before he glances to his sister, who is now inside. “Let her go. I think shit went down with her boy last night.”
Fuck, Finn is clueless. I shake my head and let out an exasperated breath.
“I’m going to talk to her.”
16
Pippa
My bags are packed, and I’m glad I put my things together at five this morning because I haven’t slept. I spent most of the night on the lake, wrapped in a blanket in the paddle boat. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was peaceful, just what I needed.
Restless and reckless after the bar, I was so close to telling Finn about Drew. I was also close to leaving. That surprised me.
Until now, I hadn’t realized how much I needed Drew to tell Finn, tell the world, tell me what he felt. I suppose the years of crushing on him, my unrequited love, were finally crushing me.
With only steps to the front door, I’m blocked by Drew. “Pippa, stay. I’ll tell him before the weekend is out.”
“W
hatever.” I scoff. “You know, I get why Finn is the way he is, but I’m tired of having my heart and my life suspended by his guilt. Everyone else in my family has moved on. What I don’t get is you?”
“What do you mean?” He wrinkles his brow, truly confused.
“You say you want to be with me and care about me, but I don’t come first.”
“You do. My happiness is with you.”
His declaration tugs at my heart and I so want to believe him.
“Really? Then what are you waiting for?”
“He’s my best friend. He’ll see this as a betrayal.” His anguish is unmistakable. “I’m trying to lessen the blow, protect him and show him I am loyal.”
“What if no matter how or when you tell him, he doesn’t see it your way?” He straightens at my challenging tone, still warring with himself, and leaving me to believe I’ll never come first.
“Why are you carrying his guilt?” I love that he’s such a caring man and his loyalty to my brother is irrefutable, but if Finn can’t see that, he’s an idiot. “And why is it okay to hurt me?” I arch an eyebrow, staring into his stormy gaze.
With each second, his indecision and my disappointment grow. I know it isn’t an easy choice and either way, someone is going to get hurt. But if he can’t choose me, not because my brother doesn’t matter but because I matter the most to him, then I have my answer.
“Goodbye, Drew.”
As I step around him, he grabs my arm and his sea-green eyes burn.
“You’re not going.”
Tipping his head, he stops when our noses are touching and he gently rubs his along mine. My breath catches at how much I still want him.
Here I am, upset and willing to abandon what might be our only chance because it feels like we’re already slipping through my fingers like water. Yet I still want him.
Dammit, I’ll always want him.
This is what Drew meant, what he was worried about. What if we can’t make things work but the feelings don’t die? What then?
“What the fuck is going on?” Finn growls.
Drew’s blocking my view, and despite the urge to seek out Finn and match what is sure to be his furious stare, I don’t. With trepidation skittering along my spine, my gaze never strays from the man I love. The one I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.
This—our chance at a relationship—isn’t about Finn.
“Finn, I’m in love with Pippa.”
Drew’s voice is steady and clear, and all the while, his eyes bore into mine. Stunned, I drop my bag, and my mouth hangs open. I can hardly believe what I just heard. I think he told my brother he loved me. He actually said it.
Am I dreaming?
“What the fuck did you say?” Finn’s voice is as hard and cold as steel.
Drew reluctantly pulls back, still staring tenderly at me and then I see it. He wishes we had this moment to ourselves. Not because he doesn’t want to tell Finn, but because it’s the first time he’s said the words to me. With a small but meaningful smile for me, he turns to my brother.
Finn’s gaze is deadly, and my stomach twists. This will be difficult for him. From that haunting night many years ago, the trauma still weighs on Finn, holding him down like an anchor buried in the ocean floor.
Sliding up his shirt sleeves as if ready to swing the first punch, he stalks closer, and Cass dumps her phone on the hall table, springing into action with an uh-oh expression.
“You heard me.” Drew straightens, not backing down despite the obvious threat.
Instead of keeping his gaze on my brother, he glances at me. His expression is warm and almost pleading, hoping I see just how serious he is. If I wasn’t so concerned that Finn will knock him on his ass, I might actually swoon. Yes, swoon. Until this moment, I thought it was a cheesy word. What woman in her right mind swoons over a man? Well, obviously, this one does.
“I love Pippa.” Drew’s voice is clear and teeming with conviction.
“You bastard.” Finn balls his hands, wanting to kill Drew. “You, of all fucking people. I trusted you. You stay the fuck away from her.” He inches dangerously close to Drew’s face with each climbing decibel.
“I’m not going to apologize for the way I feel. I fought it because you’re my friend.” He wears his inner turmoil like his clothes, for all to see. “But I can’t anymore.” Drew rakes his fingers through his dirty-blond hair. “I love her, and she loves me.”
“You can’t have her.” My brother is being a bully, refusing to back down.
“I love you.” I beam at Drew, and tingling warmth spreads through my body. This is the first time I’ve ever said those words out loud. To anyone.
“I love Drew.” I’m louder, looking at Finn, but he pays me no mind, grabbing Drew by the collar.
“You motherfucker.”
Cass and I jump in before fists start flying. Her hands clasp firmly around Finn’s arm mid-air, and she throws all her weight into hanging off him. I do my best to pull Drew back. He barely budges.
“Finn, we aren’t Claire and Jordan.” Drew is calm and confident yet compassionate, knowing this will be hard on Finn.
My brother visibly flinches, jerking from Cass. She’s as shocked by his rejection as we all are. He straightens his shirt, his face twisting, angry and hurt.
“What the fuck do you know? You’re just like Jordan.”
Finn’s hurting and trapped. His anguish and rage are as strong and clear as they were many years ago. The night Jordan Bannister almost molested our younger sister, Claire.
Jordan was one of Finn’s high school friends and they ended up rooming together in university. At that point in time, one would say Finn was closer to Jordan than Drew.
“No, he isn’t.” I step in front of Drew, locking gazes with the brother I love with all my heart.
Second-year spring break, Finn and Jordan stayed at our house. Jordan was basketball tall, cute and easy-going, with deep belly laughs and wise-cracking jokes. My family liked him.
One night, Finn was watching Claire and Tom, our youngest siblings, while my parents were working, and I was out with friends. He decided to invite a few people over for drinks.
Finn doesn’t know why, but he headed upstairs at one point during the party. If you ask him now, he’ll say he went up to check on the kids, although he’d never done that before. He found Jordan in our little sister’s room.
The door was ajar and Claire’s blankets were off her small sleeping form. Her nightgown was hiked up to reveal her underwear and Jordan was kneeling beside the bed, hands trailing her bare legs. He hadn’t done anything… yet. But his intentions were clear.
Tears prick the back of my eyes at the anguish on my brother’s face. He, too, is most probably reliving that night.
“Finn, this isn’t like Jordan. It isn’t the same. I’ve been in love with Drew for ten years. Drew’s never done anything. If anyone’s been the aggressor, obnoxious, or bold, it’s been me. He’s always kept me at arm's length. Always.”
Finn barely gave Jordan a chance to offer an excuse. It took three guys to pull him off Jordan; Drew was one of them. My brother called the cops, and I arrived around the same time they did. Things got loud and ugly.
The cops took Jordan, and we later learned he was never brought in for questioning. There was nothing the police could do; no crime was committed despite his intent. No evidence, just a case of one word against another.
I’m lost in my thoughts, my insides queasy and sick with the memories of seeing Finn that night. I’d cried after learning what he’d saw. My brother bore the brunt of the horrific possibility of that night. He was a madman, eyes wild with fear and fury.
The silver lining was not only his sixth sense or whatever it was that prompted him to go upstairs, but Claire slept through it all. Unscathed by what might have been.
After that night, he kicked many of his friends to the curb. If he had any kind of doubt about the guy, Finn wanted him out of his life. He vowed to ne
ver bring a predator near our family again.
“Fuck that shit, not always. Let me guess; he slept with you this week? You two played house?” Finn sneers.
None of what he says describes his best friend, and if Finn wasn’t blinded with anger, he’d agree. His rapid-fire words strike Drew, riddling him with guilt and shame.
I’m scared. I’m scared that my brother’s utter disgust for Drew will draw him away from me. That Drew will second-guess our newfound love or stop fighting for us.
“Finn.” Drew glances at me, imploring me to stop talking. “I love your sister. I have forever. It wasn’t always like this, but I’ve never done anything to break your trust in me, I swear to you.” Drew sinks his fingers into his head of hair, combing front to back a few times.
“I haven’t seen her in over a year because of my feelings. Because I didn’t want to disrespect your wishes. This is more than physical attraction. I’ve known this for years but fought it.”
Finn grimaces at Drew’s admission and scoffs, “Right, is that why you broke up with Scarlett?”
His tone is accusatory like Drew planned all of this. As if his best friend can’t be trusted.
“No, I didn’t break up with her.” Drew’s frustrated.
No matter how many times I hear that, it hurts. To think, if Scarlett didn’t break up with Drew, they would still be together and probably planning their wedding.
“You betrayed me.” Finn’s upper lip curls in distaste.
“Honey, he didn’t.” Cass steps in, squeezing his shoulder. “Drew would never betray you. He planned to tell you this weekend.”
“You fucking knew about them.” He stabs his finger in her direction.
Cass shrinks back, and tears immediately spring to her widening eyes. “Finn, I figured it out this weekend.”
“Don’t blame Cass,” Drew says harshly. “This is not her fault. She saw what you refused to see. I told her I was going to tell you this weekend. She didn’t betray you. Don’t take this out on Cassandra or your sister.”