“Oh, come on, Doc.”
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do, Cy. I’ll give you two weeks to get down to two-hundred-ninety-nine pounds. Until then, you’re not to do any work. And I guess you’ve heard about those two missing people from the high school reunion. Most people think they’re dead. Cy, if we find the bodies and you don’t have the weight off yet, you’re off the case. Use Lou as a measuring stick. It took him forever, but see how much better he looks now. Do you want him to have to solve a case without you? Maybe George will have to help him. And I understand that some people have been telling Heather she ought to put in a request for a transfer to homicide when you and Lou retire. What if she and Lou decide to team up because you’re not in shape to handle the work?”
“Doc, I’ve been doing this work for over thirty years!”
“And you’re getting older. If you don’t get the weight off and get your body in better shape, you might not be with us much longer. I don’t want to attend your funeral, Cy. Now, do what I tell you. I’ll see you in two weeks.”
“But, Doc.”
“I’ll see you in two weeks. In the meantime, change your eating habits and start exercising. You know what to do. Now, do it.”
“So, Doc, did you put your five dollars in the pot, the one about when they find those dead bodies?”
“I did. I have next Tuesday.”
“There are so many people in on this thing the best I could get is the Tuesday two weeks after you. Lou’s got the day after me.”
“Well, maybe if one of you wins, you’ll have enough time to get your weight off and solve the case.”
I mumbled something in response and walked out of Doc’s office a defeated man. I knew he meant business this time. I didn’t know which would be tougher, exercising or changing my eating habits, but I knew I had to do both of them, and I had to start that day, not the next.
+++
I’d gone alone for my physical. Lou was at his place, doing other things. That meant that I could go ahead and plan my attack. I wasn’t sure whether to tell Lou or not, but I’d thought of this scenario many times. If it ever came to my having to do some type of exercise, I knew what my choice would be.
I’d weighed my options. Going walking or jogging in my neighborhood wasn’t an option. I lived next-door to the world’s worst neighbor, Heloise Humphert. She was always hitting on me, wanting me to co-habitate. If I left the house, she and that rat of hers would follow me, and even headphones wouldn’t save me from that grating voice of hers. So, walking in my neighborhood was out. So was walking at the mall. What if someone saw me, knew that I was a cop? Imagine if someone started spreading the rumor that some cop was in such sorry shape that all the old people were passing him. They might start asking for my job, saying it belongs to someone younger, someone in better shape. Well, it probably does, but right now there’s no one in Hilldale qualified to do what I’ve done for many years. So, walking at the mall was out. For the same reason, as well as the fact that I’m not sure I could live through all that exercise, was joining a gym. That’s not for me.
There was only one route for me to go, exercising inside my home. I’d break any exercise bike, and I couldn’t stand hopping up on a treadmill and going nowhere. No, exercise would have to be fun. I’d either buy a Wii, Wii Fit Plus, and some of the Wii sports games, and/or a dance game, or some video I could pause or turn off and on until I could keep up with those doing the same exercises. I had to choose, Wii Fit Plus or Richard Simmons and Sweatin’ To The Oldies? I wasn’t sure if I could stand looking at Richard Simmons.
I wouldn’t waste any time. I’d go to the mall, buy some kind of system, and hire someone under the age of thirty to hook it up for me.
+++
I called Lou, made some excuse as to why I couldn’t meet him for lunch that day, and then headed for the mall to seek out some expert about what I might need to get Doc off my back. I spent fifteen minutes listening to some guy who might not have been old enough to vote. Since he seemed to know all about the Wii, I listened to him and took his advice.
I arrived home and called, Mark, my yard boy, to see if he would come over and hook up my system for me. I swore him to secrecy. He arrived and had everything up and going in no time at all. He insisted on staying and helping me design my own Mii, the cartoon character which would be me on the screen. I was treading on dangerous ground. I’m sure Lou has a Mii for his system, but I didn’t want any of the guys downtown asking to see my Mii. I could imagine what George, or Frank, the medical examiner, would have to say about that.
Mark wanted to make sure I could navigate my system, so he inserted the discs for first Wii Sports, then Wii Sports Resort, and walked me through some of the games. The next thirty minutes went by quickly.
Next, Mark slid in the disc for the Wii Fit Plus. I found my Mii, and it was time for me to weigh. Mark turned his head while I listened to some cartoon character tell me I was obese. I already knew that. I wanted someone to tell me how proud it was of me for mounting that stupid board. I noticed that the Wii showed me that I weighed three pounds less than Doc’s scale said I did. More than likely, Doc’s scale is a little heavy, but it could be that I lost a little weight on my trip to the mall, or it was a delayed reaction to my trek through the wilderness.
I was already vaguely familiar with the Wii and the Wii Fit, and the Wii Fit Plus is an updated version of the original Wii Fit, with a few more bells and whistles. I got conned into trying the original at Lou’s apartment one time, in front of our dates, Betty and Thelma Lou. I remembered that it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. But this time was different. This time I knew that I couldn’t get by doing only one exercise, and doing it only one time. Doc meant business.
I thanked Mark for his help and paid him for his time. He didn’t want to take my money, but I convinced him that he’d saved me days of frustration. I watched Mark walk out the door and down the steps. I made sure that no one was hiding in the bushes and then walked over to begin my pain and agony. As I mounted the board, I focused on seeing the look on Doc’s face when I weighed in two weeks.
Mark told me that the Basic Step exercise would be one of the easier ones to start with. All I had to do was step up onto and back off of the board without stubbing my toe, while trying to do this in rhythm. I did four repetitions before I was sure I was dying. After a break until I could breathe normally again, I mounted the board a second time. I tried hula hooping, basic stepping, and something else. One of them twice. I wanted to weigh, to see if I’d gotten down to two-ninety-nine. I wasn’t sure if I could live through a second workout on the Wii Fit.
It was then that I remembered I can lose weight easier by watching what I eat, rather than sweating it off. It was time to go to the computer to see what I could Google about weight loss. Three hours later, I was a changed man. Changed because I wasn’t quite as confused as before I got on the computer. Actually, I studied several ways to lose weight and decided to follow what made the most sense to me. I learned how much to eat, and what to eat. I thought I was going to have to eat some kind of foul-tasting cereal and foods that didn’t look like food. Instead, I found out I could eat bacon and eggs for breakfast, just not the whole larder.
I ran across a formula that told me how much I could eat and still lose weight. I could begin by eating twenty-four-hundred calories a day and still lose weight. After I’d lost a considerable amount of weight, I might have to cut back a little.
I studied to find out how much meat to eat at one meal, which was considerably less than I was used to eating. I read that if I ate the right percentage of protein each day, it would satisfy my hunger, and keep me from being hungry all the time and pigging out like I had been used to doing at every meal. I learned that sugar, soft drinks, and processed foods were my biggest enemies. Did that mean I had to wave goodbye to those two desserts I ate at every meal? I figured it did. I also learned that there were books and calculators that would let me know how many of each thing
was in every food. I even learned that there were websites I could go to to find out how many calories and grams of fat there were in foods at chain restaurants. I hadn’t been in the habit of eating at chain restaurants, but this was good to know, anyway.
I got so engrossed in studying nutrition and ways to lose weight that by the time I looked at my watch, it was 5:00. There was no way I could avoid Lou the rest of my life. It was time to call him, to let him in on my secret.
Chapter Five
“Lou, it’s Cy.”
“It’s about time you called me.”
“Lou, I need to talk to you.”
“Oh, no! You’ve got cancer.”
“Not unless you know something I don’t.”
“So, you have to have open heart surgery.”
“Have you been talking to someone?”
“Actually, I have. I called Doc. I knew your physical was today, and you canceled lunch on me, so I called him to see what’s wrong with you.”
“And what did he tell you?”
“He wouldn’t tell me anything. You know that doctor-patient confidentiality thing. So, I guess you’ll have to tell me. What’ve you got?”
“I got a Wii, Lou.”
“Cy, I think we’ve got a bad connection. It sounded like you said you have a Wii. All kidding aside, what’s wrong with you?”
“Well, I was a little out of breath after ten minutes.”
“You mean you, the guy who swore never to get near a Wii again, the guy who didn’t want me to talk about Wiiing, went out and bought a Wii. Did you lose a bet, or take up drinking?”
“Neither. I went to see Doc. He told me that I’d gained eight pounds, and if I don’t lose twelve pounds in two weeks I’m through, and you’ll be working with Heather.”
“He did, huh? So, how’d you like to go out and pig out at our favorite buffet tonight?”
“Not funny.”
“I thought it was. Okay, you win. I’ll settle for seeing Heather after hours.”
“What about Thelma Lou?”
“Okay, I’ll see one of them on the days we don’t have to solve someone’s murder, and the other one at night. How’s that?”
The silence on my end told Lou that I was serious about losing weight, and then going after Heather, who was almost one hundred years my junior.
“Cy, this is a big moment. I’ll tell you how big. Why don’t I come over to your place?”
“Could you wait a while? Heather’s on her way over now.”
“In your dreams. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. I’ll become your trainer and make a new man out of you.”
I hung up, quite surprised. Lou never backed his red, 1957 Chevy out of driveway for anything other than an emergency or a double date. He preferred riding shotgun, unless we were taking Betty and Thelma Lou out to eat. Thelma Lou was his love interest and had been for a while. Betty and I were merely company for each other. I was still in love with my Eunice, who died of cancer many years ago, and Betty still loved Hugh, who died a few years ago.
+++
Lou came popping in ten minutes later, a smile all over his face.
“So, Cy, let me show you how to make a Mii.”
“I already have a Mii.”
“I mean your likeness for the Wii.”
“I mean that, too.”
“I should’ve known. There’s no way you could hook this up yourself, so whoever hooked it up for you showed you how to use it, and created a Mii for you.”
“You think you’re so smart.”
“So, who did it, Mark, your yard boy?”
“How’d you know it was Mark?”
“Well, I didn’t think you’d invite your next-door neighbor over, and surely you wouldn’t let anyone else on the force know you bought a Wii. And you don’t know anyone else.”
“What about the people at church?”
“You wouldn’t know which one to ask. Say, Cy, when did you get a computer?”
“I’ve had that a while. I can Google, too.”
“What’s Google?”
“Lou, you teach me about Wiiing and I’ll teach you how to use a computer. You need to buy one, you know. It’s time for you to come out of the dark ages.”
I showed Lou my plan of attack, what I planned to eat. He thought it looked better than the stuff he was eating, but since he’d lost almost fifty pounds, he wasn’t sure whether to change or not.
After we discussed food for a while, Lou and I Wiied. Old Smart Aleck twisted and turned, stepped on and stepped off my board for twenty minutes. I could do only ten minutes. Of course Lou needed to create a Mii before he started. After a while we ordered pizza, a thin-crust veggie one, and both of us ate only two pieces. I wasn’t sure how Rosie would react the next morning when Lou and I showed up at the Blue Moon and I ordered two eggs, two pieces of bacon, broccoli, and a medium-size green apple. At least the Blue Moon wouldn’t continue to be a temptation. The next day, Friday, would be the last day the Blue Moon would be open for a while, and maybe the last time period. We’d eat breakfast there, linger a while, and then Lou and I would head to the grocery. It would be hard learning how to cook. I usually ate out or opened a package or a can of something. I assumed I would curtail eating out, and packaged and canned foods were some of the biggest no-noes on my new menu plan.
+++
I went to the grocery after we left the Blue Moon. Lou helped me, so I managed to find everything in a little over four hours. We unloaded my purchases into the refrigerator and my pantry. I was tired, so we went out for lunch and dinner. I’d already decided that it would be easier to begin my new diet with breakfast.
The next morning, I opted for a couple of hardboiled eggs, two pieces of bacon, a cup of broccoli, and a pear. I thought I could figure out how to prepare the pear. I even had an idea on the broccoli and the bacon, but I had no idea about the eggs. Oh, I knew I needed to put them in water and boil them. I just didn’t know how long to cook them. While I didn’t know how to fix them, I knew someone at Google would, so I rushed to the computer. It was a good thing I did. My guess was to stick the eggs in boiling water and let them boil on high for three minutes. Google, on the other hand, recommended that I add them to cold water, bring the eggs to a boil on medium heat in a covered pan, then turn the burner down to simmer and let them simmer for fourteen minutes. Google even told me how to extract said eggs from the shell without losing half my egg or eating some of the shell. Believe it or not, I managed to do that without much of a problem. Still, all of this work was harder than telling Rosie what I wanted to eat each morning.
Chapter Six
On the third day, I realized that I needed to navigate the Wii, see what all there was for me to do, then get serious about doing it. This wasn’t quite as dumb as stepping into that rowboat, but it was in the same neighborhood. At least I could step off the board anytime I wanted, without drowning or getting muddy in the process. And I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to get home. I was already home, and as far as I knew, no one was peering through my window, laughing at my feeble attempt to improve my stature.
I learned that the Wii Fit Plus had four types of exercises; yoga, strength, aerobic, and balance. From what I could tell, the yoga exercises help my flexibility, the strength exercises strengthen my muscles, the aerobic exercises help me get the fat off, and the balance exercises help me to improve my balance. Supposedly, all the exercises are important, but I planned to spend the bulk of my exercise time doing aerobic exercises, since Doc didn’t tell me that I needed to be more flexible or balanced, or that I wasn’t strong enough. I’m sure he would have, if he had some way of measuring those areas, so that he could tell me I wasn’t up to the department’s standards.
I soon learned that I could kill myself quite easily attempting some of the yoga exercises, or die much quicker trying some of the strength exercises or doing aerobics for longer than my body deemed possible at that moment. Still, I had to push myself. I didn’t want to look out
my front window some day and see Heather driving by with Lou smiling beside her.
+++
Each morning, after I arose and went to the bathroom to rid myself of every ounce of weight that I could, I trotted to the Wii Fit board filled with trepidation, afraid that I had lost no weight and that a picture of Doc would appear, telling me that I was failing to do what he had mandated. Instead, each morning, shortly after I weighed, Lou called to see about my progress. I had disciplined myself enough that most mornings I was able to share some good news with Lou.
+++
Somehow I managed to make it through the first two weeks. Cooking, and eating what I’d cooked, was hard, but not nearly as hard as those Wii exercises. Some of them I wouldn’t recommend to anyone over the age of thirty, particularly those Strength Training exercises. Some of the Yoga exercises were much tougher than anything I could do. At the end of each exercise the Wii gave me a point total based on how good of a job I’d done on that exercise, and most of the time the Wii was tougher than the Ukrainian judge at the Olympics. I’d yet to score many points on any of them, but at least I did score some points on most of them. I was best at some of the Aerobic exercises, and had improved considerably on some of the Balance exercises. And at some point each day, when I’d had enough of Wii Fit but wanted to exercise some more, I’d slip out that disc and put one of the sports discs in. While I had never been much of a sportsman, I actually enjoyed some of the sports games. Of course most of them didn’t burn off as many calories as the aerobic exercises. One that did was boxing, but one day I did a little more boxing than I should have and my arms were sore the next day.
Chapter Seven
For most of our adult lives, Lou and I have had the same hobbies. I love watching old TV comedies. My favorite two shows were and are I Love Lucy and Hogan’s Heroes. Lou surprised me one year with a DVD player and the entire first year of I Love Lucy on DVD. Over time, I acquired all the episodes available from both shows, as well as some episodes of other of my favorite classic comedies.
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