Once I arrived at Dr. Frank’s office, I immediately noticed Abby wasn’t there. Heidi walked up to me, a sullen expression on her face.
“You look like you survived okay,” she said. Instead of coffee, she gulped down some water from her ever-present bottle.
“As well as I can manage. Where’s Abby?”
“She’s still in Maine. She’ll be there for a while. I don’t know how long.”
“I guess if she’s with her new author, she’s stuck there until the book’s done.”
Heidi appeared thoughtful. “I guess so.” Her eyes drifted to the window. Even though it was afternoon, the overcast sky had darkened the skyline.
To lighten her mood, I asked, “Did you ever figure out why Lisbetta was scared of someone like Abby? She’s a pretty good fighter, but I haven’t seen her cast powerful spells or anything.”
Heidi shrugged, barely looking my way. “Abby said a thing or two before I dropped her off. Something about her being favored by the gods—a bunch of stuff I barely understood about how her powers of persuasion could be extended to defend herself in a dire situation.”
Based on the last time I discussed Abby’s powers with Heidi, she’d told me the Muse could only influence mortal writers—not supernatural creatures. I wanted to pry further, especially since it shed new light on our quiet friend, but something was wrong with Heidi herself right now. On most days, she was so exuberant she made me look like a recluse.
“So.” I shuffled from one foot to the other. “When are you going to tell me about the guy who showed up in Maine?”
Heidi blinked a few times and continued to stare out the window. “I’ve been busy lately.”
“He looked like you … in a way.” How could I describe him? He’d been a blur of movement across the forest. But my quick eye could still spot the telltale features humans couldn’t see on Heidi. Water magic stirred under the mermaid’s skin. I didn’t need Nick’s magic to see that.
“He’s my best friend from back home.”
My eyebrows lowered, and I stepped closer to her. The obvious question came to mind. “What was he doing there?”
“He followed me—to deliver a message.”
Not long after she spoke, Dr. Frank walked in, followed by Nick. Just one look at his smiling face made me think about what had happened between us. How could he smile, knowing what he’d done to me?
Nick was in the process of walking over to me when Dr. Frank turned to him. “Have a seat, Nick, it’s time to start.”
Heidi left my side. I opened my mouth to invite her over, but she sat down between Raj and Tyler. Lilith the succubus sat next to Tyler and me. The clear air told me we had another obvious absence: The nymph wasn’t here.
“So far this season, I’ve noticed many changes in my patients.” Dr. Frank glanced at each of us briefly. “Most of the changes have been positive, while the other ones have been setbacks.”
As he gave his introductory speech, I had to admit it: I was kinda hoping he’d get to the point where he gave us a dose of his happy magic. I needed it. At least enough to get my mind off Nick. I knew he was staring at me, but as my irritation rose, I refused to return his gaze. I’d yet to receive a single phone call or text message about the matter. Even smoke signals would’ve been nice—
“Natalya? Did you hear my question? You can do it, right?”
I looked up to see Dr. Frank, as well as everyone else, looking my way. Based on the wide smirk the succubus wore, I’d missed something important.
“Of course. What do I have to do?”
“I was just telling everyone that the holidays often present challenges, both social and physical. For you, this time of the year is difficult in terms of self-control.”
I nodded the whole time, feeling slightly guilty. At least I hadn’t bought anything lately—in Manhattan anyway.
Dr. Frank continued with a sly look in his eyes. “The best exercise to face your demons—the figurative ones—is to go to a post-Christmas sale and leave with one purchase. You can do that, can’t you?”
I returned his gaze with confidence. Over the past few months, I’d made progress. My late-night Home Shopping Network buying binges had gone down. (After Aggie blocked the channel.) I’d been clipping fewer coupons in preparation for the holidays. (The Sunday newspaper with the ads kept disappearing.) And I’d even cut back on arranging my ornaments in their boxes. (Since the flood a few months ago I actually had fewer ornaments to arrange.)
Dr. Frank said, “You’ll be doing this exercise with Nick.”
Thanks a million, Dr. Frank, for dropping your bucket of reality on my fragile sandcastle.
“Will that be a problem?” Dr. Frank asked Nick.
“None at all.” Matter of fact, Nick appeared pleased to be my buddy again.
Once again, I wondered if Dr. Frank had mind-reading abilities he hid from his patients. He further exhibited that possibility as he managed to convince Tyler to attend a dwarf ritual. Tyler was all about protesting naturally.
“I’d stand out in front of all those people.”
“You will—but you’ll have the coping mechanisms we talked about. What are they?” Dr. Frank asked.
“Confidence. Stand straight, like a man. Charisma. I’m a nice guy anyone would want to meet …” Tyler faltered for a moment but then kept going. “Character. I have to believe in myself before someone else can.”
“That’s right,” Dr. Frank said with a smile.
I couldn’t help but smile as well, hearing Tyler say those words. During the last couple of sessions, he’d reached a new low with his self-deprecating speeches.
Next, Dr. Frank opened the discussion to some other suggestions for Tyler, then he switched to Heidi. “How have things been going for you, Heidi? Did you get that part-time job on the pier, like we talked about?”
“No, I didn’t,” she snapped.
Everyone quieted. Heidi had not only folded in on herself, but she was trying to cover the side of her face. Her perfect skin now marred all over with splotches of blue.
“Heidi, are you okay?” I mouthed.
She sucked in a sob, and I immediately walked over to her.
With her boots and army jacket, she would’ve looked tough any other day, but the mermaid’s now tear-streaked face appeared vulnerable. I kneeled in front of her. On her other side, Tyler placed a concerned hand on her shoulder.
I tried again. “What’s wrong?”
“I d-don’t w-want to go.” Her voice quivered, and she shut her eyes tightly.
“Go where?” I asked gently. Tentatively, I pushed her red hair behind her ear.
“Back there.”
I glanced at Nick. Everyone else looked on with concern.
Nick said, “Why did he follow us? To take you home?”
Heidi’s gaze looked far away. She lightly rubbed the hives she’d told me were called blotchies. I dreaded what she had to face almost as much as she did. She hadn’t set foot in the ocean in many years.
“I need some air. I don’t want to be seen like this.” Heidi slowly stood and then went to the door. I moved to stop her, but Nick shook his head, silently telling me to give her space. Heidi rarely cried in front of anyone.
Before she left, she said a few words, keeping her back to us. “It’s kinda crazy, huh? No matter how much we run away, what we fear the most always catches up to us.”
Chapter 19
Heidi didn’t return to the therapy session. Chasing after her wasn’t an option since I didn’t even know where to start in a city as big as New York. The best thing to do was go home and hope she’d turn up to say good-bye before she had to leave.
Time passed too quickly. Just a few more days until Christmas, and not long after that I’d face the trials. This ticking clock bothered me the most.
Dinner plans with the Stravinsky clan should have brought nothing more than the prospect of a full belly and time for me to reconnect with my family before the trials. But after the p
ast few days, I wasn’t excited about it. I hadn’t seen Sveta for a while, but I dreaded seeing Auntie Yelena. When I reached my parents’ house, I had even more of a reason to hate her guts. Seated next to her on the couch was Rex. The minute I walked through the door, he glanced at me briefly with his dark eyes and then acted as if I weren’t there. Great. That suited me just fine.
Unlike Thorn, Rex only had the good looks thing going for him. As a good-looking bachelor with a halfway decent rank in the pack, my aunts must’ve brought him here to look him over for matchmaking purposes. But didn’t they know my past history with him?
A few months ago, Thorn’s return brought back the painful memories I had of Rex—the day I’d lost it in front of the whole pack. Right in front of Old Farley as he and my father attempted to pair me with Rex. Thorn had left a few months earlier, and my wounds had been too deep to take another man.
So I had the panic attack from hell and lost my family and pack in one day.
With my appetizer in hand, I marched up to my grandmother and greeted her. I tried to concentrate on how warmly she said my name instead of thinking about Rex behind me. He continued to chat away with Yelena.
“I don’t have much here—but at least I’ve got my own place and a job over at the mill.” He sounded all confident and smug. Too bad Auntie Yelena didn’t know he had that rampant asshole disease going around on the East Coast.
“You have just enough to take care of yourself.” Yelena sounded all bubbly and nice. She even sounded excited when she said, “My youngest daughter, Clara, is nineteen. I think you’d really like her.”
“I’d love to meet her,” he replied.
I dodged around a card table where my uncles and Aunt Vera played poker. If the men weren’t careful with their pocket change, she’d go home with lunch money for my cousins for weeks to come.
I ventured to the kitchen to drop off the food I’d brought. There wasn’t as much space in here. Since the nymphs were here tonight, Mom had prepared both vegetarian and meat-eater fare. To most cooks, this would’ve been an interesting challenge, an opportunity to try out new recipes. For a woman like my mother, who always served meat, the look on her face told me this had been an exasperating affair.
“Do you want help?” I asked.
“Check on the marinated mushrooms. I have no idea what I need to do to them.”
“Mushrooms? That’s new for you.”
“Yeah. I made some sauerkraut and some potato salad, but I can’t have our guests eating side dishes all night.”
I went to the sink to wash my hands. She hadn’t asked, but like a good daughter I should try to assist her. And anyway, helping her would keep me out of the living room.
For the next half hour, I helped my mother figure out a delicious way to cook the marinated mushrooms. She’d gotten the recipe from Karey, but the new mother’s handwriting was as cryptic as a three-year-old child’s drawing of their family. You kind of had to guess the different parts and hope you got it right without offending them.
“Have you washed your hands enough times?” a voice from the entrance to the kitchen asked.
I turned to see Auntie Yelena in the doorway. When I looked at my hands, I noticed I had them under the water again. But I was in the kitchen handling food. I’d only washed them once before. Hadn’t I?
My mother grumbled from the pot she was stirring, “Go bother someone else, Yelena. Just because your husband abandoned you for the winter again doesn’t mean we need to deal with your sour mood.”
Auntie Yelena simply leaned against the nearest wall and stared me down. Mom’s words had bounced right off her.
“Have you seen the baby yet tonight, Anna? Karey’s done feeding her.”
Mom shook her head. “There’ll be plenty of time after I get dinner finished.”
“Oh, stop it.” Auntie Yelena took the spoon from Mom’s hand and thrust it in mine. “Mind the kitchen, Natalya, while your mom gets some quality time with her grandchild.” To my mother, she added, “You’ll have to share her with everyone else after dinner, and you might never get another chance to experience a grandchild while she’s so young.”
My blood pressure rose enough to pop a vein. Now, what the hell did she mean by that?
I prepared to follow, but they left me in the kitchen all alone. Jealous and fuming, I heard the baby cry for a bit as she was handed over to my mother. All the women cooed and had words of wisdom to rain down on Karey. Even though I had no prospects of getting knocked up anytime soon, I definitely wanted the same treatment someday. I’d been raised to be excited about getting married and having children. With all these women around rubbing bellies and holding hands with their husbands, it was enough to make me ask the valuable question most women my age often contemplated: Would it ever be my turn? Would I be worthy enough to find a man who’d come here with me, so I could have my aunts give my baby endless attention?
I probably would someday … but it wouldn’t be Thorn at my side.
Auntie Yelena came back into the kitchen while my back was turned yet again. Naturally she found me at the sink.
“Don’t your hands ever get dry from washing them so much?”
Yelena knew very well what she was doing. I had washed my hands excessively tonight out of stress, but she didn’t need to be evil and rub my nose in it. Just like Dr. Frank had taught me, I’d tried most of the coping mechanisms: focusing on the task at hand, recognizing when the repeated activity took place, and most of all, avoiding stressful situations that induced coping behaviors. It was too damn bad that the person who brought on my current compulsive behavior stood right next to me.
“Lotion works wonders on a night like tonight.” See, I could forgive and forget.
“Don’t you worry you won’t do well in the trials if you’re like this?”
“I’m sure I’ll do just fine, if you’re not at the trials riding my ass.” Whoops, I remembered why I didn’t forgive her. How unfortunate. I wiped my hands off with a dish towel.
She smirked and folded her arms. I was probably in for it now. “Even if you were half the wolf that everyone in this house is, shouldn’t you be part of the pack? Do you honestly think you can succeed? Don’t let your little victory party give you false confidence.”
With a snort for good measure, she added, “Look at yourself. A perfectly good man like Rex out there isn’t interested in you anymore. Neither is Thorn.”
I gripped the towel instead of biting through the skin on the inside of my mouth. It’d be so easy to march out of the room, away from Yelena, but my mom’s food would be left unattended.
Her voice lowered. “You walk around as if no one notices that you’re flawed. You’re alone, with no man and no future. It makes me wonder what you’re still doing here, why you even bother.”
I slowly turned my head to look at her. That mean bitch was dead serious. She meant every vicious word that came out of her mouth.
And that’s what hurt me the most.
“So what if you make it through the trials?” she reasoned. “What will you have after that? You’ll have a place in the pack, and your family, most certainly. But what else? Do you think anyone would want someone like you?”
I took a step back from the sink, but she closed in like a barracuda that had scented blood.
“The days of dragging you along are over, Natalya. You need to move on, allow this family to rise up again in the ranks.”
I sucked in a breath. Should I be surprised she went there?
“Stop it!” I hissed.
“You think people respect you? They only pity you—especially after you lost your belongings in the flood.” Her sinister smile grew. She’d hit me below the belt with a sucker punch. “You think I don’t know what happened to you at the park five years ago when your father tried to pair you with Rex?”
This couldn’t be happening right now.
“Rex told me about your little panic attack. About how you flipped out in front of the pack lea
der and affected the Stravinsky family’s position among the South Toms River wolves. Do you want to continuously remind us of what you did? Have you ever thought about more than yourself?”
She tapped the counter to drive her point home. “You think about it for the next few days. I know you’ll do the right thing.”
After she left to join the rest of the family in the living room, I had the quietest panic attack I’d ever had. The room spun, but I didn’t move. I thought I’d suffocate, but I didn’t move. My knees buckled, but I didn’t move. Everything that could go wrong went wrong, but I refused to interrupt my family in the other room. I wouldn’t give Yelena the satisfaction of seeing me break down in front of everyone.
My mother didn’t abandon me for long, and since I knew her kitchen well I managed to finish the food. Even after my panic attack. Auntie Yelena knew what she’d done to me was wrong. She had to. My mouth felt sealed with glue for the rest of the night. I didn’t speak unless spoken to—and only when the other person wanted an answer. When anyone asked me if something was wrong, I feigned exhaustion over training. I just had to get through the dinner, and then I’d be able to go hide away at home.
While I ate, my head turned to the side, and a part of me expected to see Aggie there. She’d always been my supporter and best friend. But she was with Will, having a movie night at his place. She’d made a life for herself here, and soon she’d pass me by as well. Wasn’t that what Auntie Yelena said would happen?
Well into dinner, Karey passed Sveta to me. Holding my niece gave me my own moment of peace. I didn’t even care that I had to wash my hands again to hold her. (Even if it was the thirteenth time of the night.) Sveta snuggled next to me. Only an innocent face that looked back at me with love and gripped my finger without prejudice.
But my blissful moment didn’t last long. One of her nymph aunts swept in to take her away after only a few minutes. On any other day I would’ve protested, and thrown a fit, but tonight I’d been beaten down. Why bother when even the nymphs didn’t respect me?
The dinner eventually came to a close. Ever the dutiful daughter, I went to the kitchen and cleaned up. There were endless pots and plates waiting. The dining room table had bits of food ground into the nice tablecloth. Someone had even spilled sauerkraut on the floor and their lazy ass didn’t bother to wipe it up.
Kept Page 19