by Alex Rosa
I rise from the floor, for once not feeling so torn up about it. The news isn’t shocking any longer. It’s instead this thing I’ve been forced to get used to. That includes the pain shooting out like little bolts of lightning from my heart. It’s not that I like it, or that I’m okay with it; it’s more that it’s something I’ve come to terms with, or at least I’m trying to.
I grab the items from the floor that we were talking about: my panda stuffed animal he won me at the fair on our first date, the necklace I made in the art class that I failed because apparently jewelry wasn’t included in the semester’s final assignment, and the mood ring CeeCee gave me as a best friend present when we both got PE together sophomore year.
I toss the objects back onto my vanity, glancing at my bed, thinking maybe I do feel better about sleeping up here now.
I smile, thinking that at least that was worth the day.
I head back downstairs to see Caiden pacing my living room, talking into the phone.
“No, I’m sorry… it’s not like that. It isn’t. We’re just friends… No, I’m not working today. I know I said I’d call, but I lost track of time… I know, sweetie. I didn’t realize you were gonna surprise me.”
It’s then that Caiden sees me standing on the stairs, his eyes going wide.
I want to tell him to take the conversation outside. I have at least that much self-respect. Just because I can endure the pain, doesn’t mean I willingly sacrifice myself to the heartbreak gods. Nope.
“I gotta go. I’m on my way. Sorry I wasn’t there. See you soon. Bye.”
His eyes are piercing as they pin me to the spot the moment he hangs up. I can’t tell if they are pleading, or apologetic, or downright heated. I give him a shrug.
We have to be okay, don’t we? I mean, I won’t throw away an entire day of progress between us just because his girlfriend called. We were actually being normal.
“It’s totally fine,” I blurt out.
“But it’s not,” he says, moving his free hand to tug that bottom lip again, which has me licking mine. This is when I look away. Get a grip.
I trot down the stairs and scoot past him to the front door. We both know from his conversation that he has to leave.
“Your girlfriend back in town?” I ask, trying to be as sincere as possible.
He moves slowly toward the door. “Yeah, she is. She wasn’t supposed to be here for a few days, but I guess she came home early to surprise me.”
“How cute.”
“Haileey…”
I wave my hand between us, dismissing it, although I’m mentally clawing at a sense of calm as I try to reply steadily, “Ya know, besides dealing with you and your ridiculousness last night, I really appreciate you stopping by today.”
He’s mute as he watches me. The silence rattles my nerves, so I keep rambling. “I mean, I think I needed the help, and I’m glad you were the one. Just, uh—thanks.”
Taking a small step forward, putting us dangerously close in what seems to be his comfort zone that is somehow morphing into mine, too, he lifts his hand to my chin, forcing me to look up at him. “I’m glad I came, too. I know things are shitty, but I’m always here for you. I’m just trying to figure this all out and do the right thing.” He sighs. “And I don’t know what that is. I wish I didn’t have to go.”
I shake my head and reply, “That’s not my problem, Caiden.” The words slip out of my mouth so eerily calm that I think I deserve an academy award for my performance. I can’t take it when he makes it about the choices he has to make when I’m here just trying to survive. I’m screaming on the inside.
Caiden’s lips twitch remorsefully. He closes the distance to press a chaste kiss against my forehead before saying, “Please tell me you’re not going to sleep on the couch tonight.”
“I won’t be sleeping on the couch tonight,” I confirm, smiling just enough to show him that I like the fact he’s not arguing with me.
He grins. “Good.”
He releases my chin and leaves to apparently go do the right thing. Whatever that means.
Chapter Ten
Standing behind the diner counter, I bend my body to the right to stretch my spine. It’s so tweaked from sleeping on the couch, which I hate to admit I still slept on the night before. I did in fact walk into my old bedroom and consider sleeping there. However, after staring at the walls with old memories and the floor now decorated with new ones, I decided the progress I’d made that day was good enough and fell asleep on the couch.
In case we need to do a system check: yes, I’m still a mess.
“CeeCee, does this town have a chiropractor, or am I still so in the middle of nowhere, I’d have to go to Denver for that?”
She directs a disapproving stare and huff my way as she leans against the counter during the after-lunch lull. “Caiden was supposed to convince you to sleep in an actual bed. I’m really losing faith in that boy.”
Damn her.
I straighten up, rolling my eyes. “Could you at least try to hide your shameful master plans from me? Coercing Caiden to come to my house is not something I want to be able to pin blame on. It’d be nice if I could go on pretending that my friends aren’t all betting against me.”
A small giggle escapes her as she goes back to picking at her nails. “On the contrary, we just want you to be okay. For the most part you’re yourself, but don’t think it’s going unnoticed that you’re carrying a pretty heavy weight on those peckish shoulders of yours. Speaking of, eat a burger, will you?” She jabs her finger into my gut, making me laugh. “Anyway, I know that oaf is probably part of this weight, but we all know he’s the only one who can fix this and you—I mean. Not you. That’s not what I mean. He just—”
I release a long breath while bending forward again to stretch my back. “This is what I’m talking about. Some things you just don’t need to say, Cee.”
My mind tailspins to memories of yesterday afternoon and how ridiculously unfortunate it is that CeeCee is right. Caiden is a remedy that can’t be replaced.
Have I mentioned I’m not only a mess, but also an utter walking disaster?
What I thought sounded like her joining giggles is suddenly choked off. “Hailey, why don’t you just call it a day?”
I stand up straight, worried I took my playfulness too far. “No—no, sorry. I didn’t mean it in a mean way. I was kidding. Scold me as much as you want. How about I go make sure everyone has coffee?” CeeCee’s brows furrow with pained confusion, and I can’t help but laugh. “What? Is everything okay?”
Her eyes dart over my shoulder and then back to me. “Nothing. I think maybe you should just go home. You’re tired, and you obviously need some rest. Here, let me show you the side door, have you—”
“Why are you being so weird? Did I do something wrong?” I ask, moving past her toward the coffee pot while tightening my apron.
“Hailey, just do yourself a favor and go home.” This time it’s a stern demand.
I swivel around, totally confused by the 180-degree change in mood. “Did I make a mistake? I’ll fix it,” I say, concerned, almost whining, not wanting to ruin the only place that doesn’t make me feel batshit crazy.
She shakes her head as her lips are pressed into a hard line.
Then the sound of two dings from the diner door signal why she was trying to get me to leave.
CeeCee gasps, “I’ll get it.”
I shake my head, examining the sprite couple entering, not denying for one second that Caiden and Kristen look good together, but what are they doing here?
I can do this, can’t I?
I wipe my mind of Caiden being my life remedy because right now, the sight before me only causes a sore throb in my chest.
I shouldn’t look into us hanging out the day before. We’re just friends, and he was being as loyal as he could. I should be thankful and not lie to myself regarding him helping me cope with the loss of my mom. It’s not in my best interest to put emotions, want, and
need into a situation that might not have any of those, at all.
I pull in a deep breath and whisper, “Stop trying to protect me, Cee. I can handle this. Oh, and next time, just tell me the jackass is at the door.”
She forces a smile. “But the fact is, you don’t have to deal with him and her. Let me get this table, Hail.”
“It’s fine,” I retort as I walk over, smiling, which is a little harder to do than I expected as I pull two menus from the podium.
“Hi there. Table for two?”
Caiden’s eyes widen at the sight of me, and I wonder if it has anything to do with him doing the right thing. Pretty sure it doesn’t. His eyes dart erratically over my body, and I try for another pull of oxygen.
Maybe I’m being the weird one? I have to consider that as an option, right? This is just how things are now. I tell myself to get over it. He’s not mine. He’s hers. I need to respect that. He needs to respect that.
I pull my attention away from him, noticing Kristen doesn’t seem as perky as she was when I first met her. Her eyes look a bit stale as they slide to mine, although her tight smile is polite.
“Yes, please,” she hums, “guess it makes sense we’d be seeing you here eventually, huh? So much makes sense now.” She mumbles that last bit before speaking up again. “I’ve been missing the pie around here, but for some reason I haven’t been able to get Caiden to bring me.”
I nod, realizing that not caring is a non-option. My eyes immediately fall to Caiden’s hand holding hers.
I’m totally okay with this. Gulp.
Maybe I should have let CeeCee handle this. It’s another moment I could have let my pride take the hit and my heart get a rest.
I force a smile. “Glad you could come back.”
I’m the worst actress known to mankind, because I’m pretty sure I said that through gritted teeth.
As I walk them to a table, this experience has me missing the anonymity of LA.
Of course, Caiden would avoid taking his girlfriend to the diner. I wouldn’t want to see me either if I were him or her. However, there’s an edge to this interaction I can’t quite place my finger on.
“Here you go.”
I place the menus down on the table and watch them shimmy in, sitting opposite of each other.
“Anything to drink?” I ask, pulling out my pad of paper.
They don’t look up, and I swear Caiden’s going to speak, but Kristen beats him to the punch. She folds the menu closed, places it back on the table, and replies with a sigh. “Ya know? We’ll just take two coffees and two pies. I don’t think we’ll be staying too long.”
I see Caiden flinch, but I don’t bother giving him my attention.
I nod. “Okay, coming right up. I’ll be right back.”
I don’t make it three paces before they begin mindlessly bickering. That’s when I hear Kristen whisper, “Why won’t you talk to me?” and Caiden’s reply of, “Not here.” And then her frustrated huff of, “I see what’s going on.”
I’m frantic when I get to the kitchen, and I pretend not to notice CeeCee peeking from behind the fryer.
I might even huff and puff as I place two pieces of pie with whipped cream on a tray and move to get the coffee.
“Is everything okay?” CeeCee chirps a little too pleasantly as she comes to my side.
Clank. Clink. The sound of ceramic coffee mugs and plates clamor as I anxiously prepare the order.
“Fine. Everything is fine. I just wish I could figure out what’s going on. It’s all awkward turtle out there.”
“She doesn’t really know,” CeeCee exclaims firmly but quietly.
Clank… crash…
The mug slips from my hand and breaks on the tile floor. CeeCee rushes to pick up the shards of broken ceramic, and I’m still frozen to the spot.
“I’m sorry, Cee, I should get that.” I bend down to help, but her hand is on my shoulder pushing me back.
She’s at least smiling. “I got it.” It’s a firm do-not-argue-with-me tone.
I’m pretty sure I know what her earlier words meant, but I need to hear her say it.
“What do you mean she doesn’t know?”
She lifts a dainty shoulder. “Kristen doesn’t know you and Caiden dated, or the history. I mean, she knows we all grew up together and you and Caid were close, but she has no idea how close.”
If I didn’t think this whole heartbreak thing could sting any more.
Is that why tensions are high?
CeeCee must read my face as she shakes her head. “Stop thinking whatever you’re thinking.”
“Then why not mention it? Us, I mean. Don’t you think it’s sort of strange that he wouldn’t tell his girlfriend the truth about the girl he previously dated?”
“Why? So she could realize she’d never live up to the girl he’s loved since he was in the third grade? So he would have to explain the initials tattooed on his arm? He was trying to save her the heartache, yet at the same time, make it easier for him to talk about you.” I release a huff and roll my eyes before she continues. “Kristen’s kind of new in town, and he didn’t want to not be able to talk about you. If she knew you were his ex-girlfriend, he’d probably never be able to gush about you. None of us agreed to it at first, but we also weren’t willing to avoid the topic when it came to you, so we just went with it. Please cut the guy some slack. He’s struggling, too, ya know?”
“He loves her, so it doesn’t matter.”
Her brows scrunch together mockingly. “I’m sure he does in his own way, but do you really think he’s ever stopped loving you?”
“You’re not helping, Cee. I know you think you’re doing the right thing, but I need you to stop. It might seem crazy to you, but I want him to be happy, and if Kristen makes him happy, I want him to stay with her.” I sigh. “I’m going to leave all over again. No one seems to remember that part. I’m a ticking time bomb of heartache for him. I may be hurting now, but it’ll be nothing like the collateral damage I could leave when the time comes. It’d be the same pain all over again if you keep carrying on like this.”
She doesn’t like this answer. I can tell by the puckering of her lips, like she just tasted something sour.
“It’s okay, Cee. I’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine. Just let me and Caiden deal with this mess on our own. Sure, it sucks, but it’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m fine.”
Fine. Fine. Fine.
I place two new cups of coffee on the tray and lift it to get my order moving as I try to shimmy past her.
“Do you still love him?” CeeCee asks, and she almost says it too loud.
I turn around to look at her, and her eyes are demanding and sincere, glowing and wide. They reflect that she knows the truth I can’t utter out loud.
I clench my jaw and turn back around, leaving her without the answer that she already knows.
Damn this town.
Saying those words, or not saying them, was harder than I thought. With each step I try to remind myself that Caiden is not the reason I’m here. I don’t want to fume over the fact that he never told the truth about us. I just don’t want to care.
When I step up to the booth, an eerie layer of discomfort comes over us, and I can’t tell who put it there or where it’s coming from. Maybe it’s because “Ms. Brunette Sunshine” isn’t smiling anymore. She might actually be flinging a bit of intensity at me through her hazel eyes, but they also look red and tired.