by Alex Rosa
I can feel my heart running a marathon in my chest as I try to hide my shallow breaths while I stay latched onto every word. I’m a hurricane of emotions, and my heart is trying to keep up with the adrenaline, and my mind is just trying to pick a direction to go. The roundness to his eyes as he finishes his story beckons me on a deep level that ignites every neuron in my being to spark. My body is all spontaneous combustion and natural disaster. All I know is, I have to remember to breathe.
“I know I panicked and ran off, but it was terrifying to realize what that meant, and that I had a lot to handle if I wanted to even give us the slightest chance. Do you understand what I’m saying, Hailey?” He gets serious, his eyes reeling me in. “That kiss was game over for me. I had to find a way back to you.” He pauses again, watching me marinate in his words. My eyes flutter closed as I do just that, soaking it in. They don’t open until he adds, “…but I wanted to do it without the destruction. Kristen started making that really impossible, but that was my fault, too.”
I perk up, unable to restrain myself. “You lied to her about me.”
He winces. “But I confessed everything in the end,” he says crisply. “It might not make it right, but I made sure to tell her what you mean to me. What you were to me. I did it delicately, and in a way for her to understand. She is, of course, mad as hell. She’s upset I lied, which I deserve. It doesn’t make sense, but when I met her she was already a more fragile person than I was used to. Her knowing that the last girl I dated was the girl I’d known since I could walk was going to bring out all of her insecurities. That’s a lot to compete with. I also wanted to be able to talk about you. I never wanted anyone to put boundaries on me being so proud of you. Her not knowing made it easier, even if it made it wrong. I don’t know how to explain it.”
He grumbles, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I had figured out early on I was going to have to break it off with Kristen. I just wanted to try and make a clean break, but I kind of lost my mind after I kissed you. I also knew you were going to find a way to run, and all I could do was turn to the book for answers. This is when my clean break idea became impossible. I know why Kristen wanted to destroy that book. She could see the way I looked at you, the way I was suddenly avoiding the topic of you, and she caught me reading your book a few times up until the bonfire. She also figured out you were important to me, and I don’t have that many important people in my life. She crossed the line when she attacked you and tried to burn the only possession I really care about. She lost it at the bonfire, but as angry as I am at her for that, I don’t blame her. It’s my fault. It wasn’t pretty that night, but our relationship was over fairly quickly after that. She tried apologizing. I told her to stop. She slept at her parents’ house, and I showed up the next morning to break it off. That’s when I went to your house to find you.”
I release a long huff, needing to turn away. “It’s not that easy, Caid—”
“Don’t you think I know that? Gimme some credit here. I wasn’t knocking on your door for you to take me back—” He pauses, causing my eyes to lift nonchalantly to his. He gifts me a wry smirk with a ridiculously handsome raise of his eyebrow. “Well, maybe I was kind of hoping for that, but I knew you wouldn’t. I knew—I know we can’t fix everything with one gust of wind. I wanted to find you to finally tell you everything I’m telling you now. I’m exhausted with holding everything back. That’s never been our style.”
My chest deflates, and I can feel that honest rev of my heart as it wins the battle over my mind. I’m pretty sure my brain would prefer me to jump on the soonest plane out of here, but my heart is practically begging me to stay. This is when I give in, and the release becomes this liberating unwinding that begins at the base of my spine and spirals up to my neck, and my head falls slack, turning to look at him. He’s smiling when he sees it happen, and I worry I’m as physically readable as my damn book.
I watch the delicate bob of his throat as he says, “I know it’s a lot to take in, but this is what I’ve been working through. I wanted to apologize. To tell you how sorry I am for what Kristen did. That I’m sorry for how things got out of hand, and that nothing has felt more right than kissing you, even if it had been five years since our last one. It still feels the same. I would never give that up now that I know its value.”
I’m caught. Utterly caught, and there’s no escaping. His words are so deadly serious yet laced with such overwhelming sincerity that my heart can’t fathom how to approach it. It just thumps incoherently loudly, but on principle, I shake my head and smile. “How did you think I’d take this story and these apologies, Caiden? Because it’s a lot.”
He shrugs. “It didn’t matter what you would have done, or what you’ll say, because it doesn’t change the fact that what I’ve said is true. I’m not going to give you up anymore. I’m not going to tell myself I can’t have you. It’s unfair to me, and it’s unfair to you. We’ve earned this, don’t you think?”
I laugh, flinging my hands up to my face to muffle my manic giggles.
“Are you seriously laughing at me right now?”
Through even more laughter I reply, “Nope, not at all.”
“How is it possible I became the more mature one?”
“You’re not,” I sputter. I still can’t stop laughing, and I know I’m losing my mind. I won’t look at him as my giggles relentlessly escape me in mad bursts as I stare at the clear blue sky, thanking the heavens and cursing them for the beautiful insanity unfolding.
“What would it take for you to take me seriously?”
What’s funny is, I do take him seriously. More seriously than the air that’s fighting hard to make it into my lungs. More serious than the sun shining above me. More serious than the glow in his eyes, but I can’t seem to form words.
That becomes especially impossible when I feel the dusting of his fingertips over the bare skin of my shoulder. My laughter chokes off into a gasp.
Suddenly, not only can I not breathe, but I can no longer think. My teeth clamp down on my bottom lip, stopping any sound from escaping as my chin falls to my right. I watch, ridiculously enthralled, as he attempts to convince me of something he seems to think needs to be taken seriously when all he had to do was be patient. But I don’t stop it. I enjoy the fact that I’m tingling everywhere.
He lifts his eyes, peeking up through his long lashes to gloat in my sudden silence before he starts his seemingly innocent assault to the nerve endings on my body. Sparks of electricity form when his fingers slip under the strap of my tank top, pushing it over my shoulder, before he leans in to place a kiss on my heated skin. That’s when the electricity trails right to my heart.
He’s still watching me carefully, and I do the same to him as he peppers three soft, chaste kisses to my skin before saying. “Glad to see I have your full attention now.”
“You always have my full attention.”
He wrinkles his nose, and it’s the most adorably hot thing I’ve ever seen. I get distracted when he places a very mature kiss against my collarbone this time. “I don’t think so. It seems like this was a really successful way to get it, though”
As much as I want his lips to go on a little adventure over the hills and valleys of my body, I pull in the deep breath my body has been fighting for as I say his name in a trailing reprimand, “Caiden…”
He pauses, reading my tone, but smirks triumphantly nonetheless. “Yes?”
“You’ve made your point, but there’s something I need to say, too.”
This is what gets his attention. He lifts his chin more earnestly, and his eyes hint at a bit of worry.
“It’s not that easy. I don’t know what you want out of this, but let’s not forget you broke up with your girlfriend just days ago.”
He shakes his head, cutting me off with, “I know what you’re thinking. I understand you’re not just going to fall back into my arms.”
“Then what is this? What are you doing? Teasing me?”
&nbs
p; He smirks, licking his bottom lip smugly. “Kind of.”
“Caiden!”
“Okay! It’s also because I can’t help myself. Is it crazy I want to make us work? I want to give us a chance. What do you want?”
I’m rendered speechless again. I have to take a moment to gather my thoughts that are thoroughly scattered across this blanket right now. He’s asking me to admit out loud what I’ve been secretly trying not to want since seeing him. As terrifying as it is, and as stupid as it might be, the only relevant fact here is that this is about honesty. He’s laid it all out there for me, and because of this, it compels me to do the same.
My breaths are shaky as I commit to the idea, stuttering my response. “I-I want to… try.”
When I say it, even though I mean it with every fiber in my body, the risk is still there in the foundation of the statement. What we want comes with a lot of danger that we both might not bounce back from, but after years of feeling so empty, and suddenly weeks of feeling so alive, I can’t think of anything more worth it, even if there’s a ticking clock. So, I choose not to think about it until I have to.
“But Caiden, this isn’t instant.”
He nods in agreement. “I don’t want to do instant.”
“I can’t just give you my heart again.” I pause, knowing that he already has it whether I like it or not. “I think we need to start fresh. I don’t want to jump into anything. I need time to figure you out, and I think you need time to figure you out. I’m not the one coming out of a relationship, and although we come with heaps of ridiculous history, and I know I’m not a rebound, I don’t want this to be easy.”
“But you’re still willing to try?”
I nod, submitting to my shell-shocked agreement, biting my lip so hard it might bleed.
“Plus, I doubt you’d ever make anything easy for me,” he adds.
I smile, and when the corners of my mouth reach ear-to-ear, a weight lifts from my shoulders and floats away with the passing breeze.
“This is almost mature of us.” He chuckles.
“Some might say stupid, but I like your glass-half-full attitude.”
He laughs, and it thrums through my body in one deliciously sweet rumble that reaches my fingers and toes.
“I’m going to prove to you that what we’re doing isn’t close to stupid.” He pauses and lifts his hand to tug on his bottom lip, which has me licking mine. “I’m going to do something, but you have to trust me.”
I gulp down his words, because when Caiden says you have to trust me it usually comes with something that I have to brace myself for in the most heart-thumping way. Which brings my thoughts back to him mentioning chapter 14 and using it as a treasure map.
“Caiden, those are the same words you said in this very spot.”
He smiles wide, the corners of his mouth perching high on his scruffy cheekbones. “I remember very clearly. You did trust me that night, and I trusted you. Losing our virginity to each other under the stars that summer is a pretty damn good memory, if I recall.”
I blush. “For the most part.”
“Well, memorable enough for you to write about.”
This time I blush crimson, and there’s no denying the fact that is exactly what chapter 14 is all about. “Touché”
He snickers, sitting up enough to lean over my body. “This time my intentions are more innocent… kind of. Hold still, or they won’t be.”
I want to tell him how silly it is for him to say that when I’m currently petrified to the spot as I watch him sit up. I worry his mouth is going to move to my lips, and then I feel awkward when I’m disappointed they don’t. Instead, he shifts his body lower as he perches himself over the lower half of my torso. I watch, intrigued and anxious when he lowers his face close to a very private part of my body. Shocking me further, he lifts his hands to the right side of my hip, lifting the shirt upward with one, and the hem of my jeans down just an inch with the other, revealing his initials that mark my skin as permanently as his presence in my heart.
I watch him lower his face farther and restrain my breathy sigh when I feel his lips touch down on the sensitive skin where the ink sits. He brushes his lips over the writing a few times for good measure, as if sealing his kiss before lifting his head enough to look at me.
“This is a promise, Hailey. I’m going to make everything right, you’ll see. That kiss is me promising you that this is it for us, and we’re going to make it this time. And we’ll start from the beginning. I’m going to prove to you that I’m ready, and you’re going to do the same for me.”
There’s no stopping it now, and I can’t tell if this is me stepping back into the past, or putting effort into a future, but it doesn’t matter anymore. This moment is everything.
“Now, let me woo you,” he adds.
“It’s not that easy—”
“—What did I just say? Wooing. It’s happening.”
I roll my eyes, but we both can’t seem to stop smiling.
Chapter Fourteen
“Stop looking at me like that, Brandon.”
“I just don’t understand,” he asks, seemingly baffled, with a deliberate eyebrow raise as he sips from his beer bottle.
He’s leaning against the wall next to the digital jukebox in the bar. My original plan was to come over here and choose some music as a way to put distance between me and the pool table surrounded by my friends. Specifically, so I could avoid Brandon’s judgmental eyes. However, because he and CeeCee still aren’t talking, he followed me like a puppy.
On any normal day, or at least before Caiden and I talked, I might have welcomed Brandon’s dopey need to be around another human, but currently I’m afraid to speak. I lack filters and self-control right now.
Even if Caiden and I decided that we aren’t going to tell anyone about giving “us” a fresh start like two strangers, it’s been tough being tight-lipped about it.
In the days that have passed, it’s been hard to fight my smitten smile, but even harder avoiding CeeCee’s probing questions when she calls. All I could do to get her off my back was agreeing to go out tonight. So, here I am.
I’m sure if I did say something about Caiden to her, there would be a shit-show of words from my friends—not necessarily good or bad, more like gossipy and hilarious at my expense. Yeah, I’m not ready for that.
Actually, I’m not sure how it’s all going to unfold either, so I might as well try and just—how does the saying go? Oh yeah, “go with the flow.”
Do I even know how to do that?
“What’s there to understand?” I groan, flipping through the digital display of 70s rock bands.
“Why are you smiling so much and smiling like that? It’s weird. Stop being weird.” He points the tip of his beer at me, but this time it’s accusatory. “I could have sworn I dropped you off as a sobbing disaster a week ago.”
“I’ve recovered,” I huff, trying my damnedest not to shoot him the intense glare I’m currently giving Pink Floyd.
“You’re hiding something.”
I shrug. Mouth filter or not, there’s no use hiding something like this from Brandon. This I know.
“What if I am?”
“Baby Bird… tell me.”
I lift my stare from the jukebox and grab for his beer, taking a sip without permission before replying with, “You’re just going to have to wait and see.” Like me.