by Odette Stone
“I live in Virginia.”
“I know.”
His eyes narrowed and he cocked his head. “You think we’re going to live in different states?”
It seemed like a trick question so my answer was hesitant. “Yes?”
“Do you think I’m not going to man up?”
Another trick question. I chose my words carefully. “You don’t want commitment or a baby.”
“No, I don’t, but I take responsibility for my actions.”
What did that even mean?
“Okay,” I said carefully.
“You’re okay with that?”
“Of course,” I said automatically. Except I had no idea what I was agreeing to.
“So, when do you want to get married?”
First my entire body washed cold. Then I was burning so hot, I was certain I was having some sort of pregnancy hot flash. “Married?”
His focus on me was intense. “What did you think I was talking about?”
“Not that.”
“I’m getting the feeling we aren’t on the same page.”
“I’m not even sure I’m reading the same book.”
His smile was so flawless, it took my breath away. “The book is called, ‘I knocked you up and now we get hitched.’”
“But you just told me you don’t want commitment or kids.”
“You seem a bit stuck on that fact.”
I squinted at the lights above the island for a long moment. “So you don’t want to get married. You don’t want to become a dad. But you think it is the right thing to do.”
“It is.”
“But that is a terrible reason to get married.”
“Well, it’s the only one we got.”
I turned and studied him. He was a tough minded solider who had resigned himself to the fact that he was heading for the box. He would be on his knees, tied up and forced to listen to the soundtrack of a baby crying. He wouldn’t complain about it. He wouldn’t even allow himself to have feelings about it. In his mind, he was taking responsibility for his actions. He knew how to man up better than anyone else and he would never let me know what it was costing him to do the right thing.
He would be an incredible father. He would be resolute in his duties. He would help me parent this child. I wouldn’t be on my own. I’d be safe. The temptation to give into this was so great, my hands clenched in my lap. It’d be so easy to look the other way and to ignore the immense personal cost he would pay.
“No,” I blurted out. “We can’t.”
His green gaze studied me without expression. “You want to tell me why?”
“I just think it’s a bad idea.”
“What part?”
“All of it.”
“Be specific.”
Do not engage. Do not engage. My mind bleated panicked instructions at my mouth. His tone told me I was treading on dangerous territory here. I stared up at him.
“Marriage is supposed to be two people coming together because they want to be together. Because they love each other.”
“Is that why you were planning on marrying Matt this morning? Because you loved him so much you couldn’t be without him?”
“No that is why I didn’t marry him.”
He stepped forward and leaned on the island with both hands, towering over me. “What exactly did you think would happen when you told me that you’re pregnant?”
“Not this.”
“Tell me.”
I swallowed. “I thought that you’d just go back to your life and I would get on with mine.”
“You thought wrong.”
I slid off my chair. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“You’re not running away from this conversation.”
“I need to think.”
“You can think about this all you want, but it’s going to happen.”
“It’s going to happen?” I repeated in disbelief.
“That’s what I just said.”
I shook my head.
His gaze narrowed. “You were going to marry Matt and let him think this was his baby.”
My mouth dropped open. It was a shameful statement but it was true. Somehow in my mind I had convinced myself that this small white lie wouldn’t really hurt anyone in the long run. “But I didn’t.”
“You no longer had feelings for him but it didn’t matter that there was no love between you because you needed a daddy.”
My mind was racing. Somehow I was losing this argument. “At least Matt wants to be a father.”
“I’m pretty sure if you had asked him, he would have told you that he wants to father his own kids. Not mine.”
I could feel myself start to sweat. “I don’t want to trap you into this.”
“But you were essentially okay with trapping Matt.”
I glanced towards the door.
“Emily, don’t even think about running away from this conversation because I’m not in the mood.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
He crossed his arms. “Why are you fighting me on this?”
I stared up at this big glorious man who made my heart want to beat out of my chest. I loved him. And I wanted to set him free. I didn’t want to use his sense of moral obligation to trap him into a life that I knew he didn’t want. No matter how badly I wanted that life for myself. Couldn’t he see that I was trying to be the bigger person in this situation?
“Trust me on this, okay?” I avoided his gaze.
“Just tell me why.”
“It won’t work.”
“I’ll make it work.”
My breath hitched in my chest. And that was the kicker. Jackson would make it work. He was a navy SEAL and his entire existence was based on sacrifice and endurance. In fact, he’d be so good at making it work, he’d probably pull off the impression that he wanted it. The thought terrified me. Jackson had always represented the truth to me. The idea of him pretending anything with me made me feel sick.
I took a deep breath. “I would like to postpone this conversation.”
“Until when?”
“Until I have had a chance to think about it.”
His face was expressionless, but he gave me a short nod.
I let out a pent up breath. I grabbed my keys and my phone. I was going for a drive. I needed to get out of here. He watched me but he didn’t try and stop me.
I was halfway to the door when it slid open.
There stood a very disheveled Matt. His hair was sticking up in all directions. If I wasn’t mistaken, it looked like he had been crying. He stood and stared back at me.
“Emily, can we talk?”
I glanced over my shoulder at Jackson who was now leaning on the island. He had a relaxed pose but that wasn’t fooling me. His gaze was intent and watchful.
With a heavy heart, I nodded at Matt. “Come in. Do you want something to drink?”
He shook his head.
I looked around the open loft. “Let’s go onto the patio.”
We stepped outside. As I slid the patio doors shut I glanced inside. Jackson was watching with his arms crossed and a not so pleased expression on his face. I sat down across from Matt. We both looked at each other.
“Can I speak first?” I asked.
He nodded.
“I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. On so many levels. I should have told you sooner.”
“I knew something was bothering you. I knew you were having doubts about it all, but I chose to ignore that.”
“So much happened before your accident. It was hard to get on the same page when you couldn’t remember.”
I heard the roar of a truck start below. Jackson had walked out and was taking off. I won’t lie. The sound made my heart quiver in pain. Which is crazy since I had just been arguing with him that I didn’t want him around.
I refocused on Matt.
“I’m starting to remember,” he confessed.
My mouth dr
opped open. “What?”
He looked ashamed. “Not full memories, they’re more like fragments of nightmares that come to the surface. But the stuff that I’m remembering isn’t good.”
“Matt, you were sick. A lot of that stuff you did was because of your tumour.”
“I can’t even imagine how much I hurt you.”
I sighed and leaned back on the patio couch. “It was such a mess, Matt. I don’t even really know half of the stuff you were up to because you were gone all the time. I was too much of a coward to address anything with you.”
“What happened with you and Jackson?”
“The more you were gone, the more I tried to just pretend that nothing was wrong. And Jackson was here. Helping me. Fixing my car. Eating dinner with me. Cleaning up my messes. You would lash out and he would get protective.”
He didn’t look pleased. “That sounds like Jackson.”
I looked at my hands. “We kissed a few times and that’s completely inexcusable.”
“But in light of what I was doing, it was pretty mild.”
“It felt like my entire world was sliding out from underneath my feet. And Jackson was there, holding it all together. But I fought that attraction. And I think he did too.”
“Nothing happened until I told you I was having an affair with Julie and I dumped you after screaming vile things at you.”
I gasped. “You remember that?”
“Bits and pieces. Jackson filled in some of the blanks this afternoon.”
“It was my birthday. It was my first time. And it was the night you had your car accident.”
He looked shocked. “Oh wow.”
“When you woke up, it was like you had traveled back in time. You were the old Matt. The one I had gotten engaged to.”
“Jesus, Emily.”
“We weren’t supposed to talk to you about things that would upset you.” I looked down at my hands. “It just became too easy to pretend that everything was okay.”
Silence descended between us. He cleared his throat. “Would you have told me that the baby was mine?”
I took a big breath. “Yes. That was my messed up plan. But I got to the front of the church and I just couldn’t go through with it.”
“Em, how bad did I hurt you?”
I gave him a sad smile. “Not nearly as bad as I hurt myself in all of this.”
“I wish you felt you could have told me about everything. I’d like to think that after an initial meltdown, I would have come through for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I love you, so it would be easy to love your child.”
It was too much. I dropped my face in my hands and I started to cry. Why couldn’t I love Matt like I loved Jackson? Matt was right for me in a hundred different ways. “Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean it. I know that things between us aren’t like they used to be but you are still the woman I want to marry. And if you change your mind about it all, I would take you back in a heartbeat.”
I lifted my face and stared at him in shock. “What?”
“I don’t know what Jackson and you have planned but I meant what I said. I would raise and love your child as my own.”
“You would?”
“You’ve been here for me every step of the way.”
I bowed my head, my tears shook my entire body. Matt wrapped his arms around me and held me. It was familiar and reminded me of everything we had lost.
“I’m so sorry,” I said into his shirt.
“It’s going to be okay, Em. I promise.”
***
Matt left shortly after that. I dropped the keys back on the island. All the fight had gone out of me. Jackson was right. Running away wasn’t an option. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. I locked up the loft, climbed into bed and went to sleep.
Chapter 4
“So, let me get this straight. Jackson doesn’t love you nor does he want a child but he is insisting you two get married,” Beth ticked one finger on her hand.
“Correct.”
“And Matt came crawling back and revealed that he actually is starting to remember his asshole ways. And not only does he forgive you for sleeping with Jackson and getting pregnant and then leaving him at the front of the alter, he still wants to marry you and raise Jackson’s baby as his own.”
“Yes.”
“Well that is incredibly un-Matt-like of him.”
I chewed on my lip. “I thought it was kind of sweet.”
“I think it’s creepy.”
“At least he wants to have kids.”
“You have to marry Jackson.”
“Beth!”
“He’s the father of this baby and he wants to marry you.”
“Jackson doesn’t want to marry me. He’s doing this because of some weird sense of honour.”
“So?”
“So, that isn’t exactly grounds for a happy life.”
“This is Jackson. That guy could make any woman happy.”
I snorted with laughter. “That’s not the issue.”
“What is?”
“The issue is that he has been clear from day one that he doesn’t want kids nor does he want commitment.”
“Well maybe he should have used a glove before the love.”
“Beth,” I blushed.
“He knocked you up. He implanted a tiny human being inside of you and now you get to live with those consequences for the rest of your life. Why should you be the only one handling the fall out of that?”
“Now you sound like him.”
She stared at me in disbelief. “You are completely in love with this guy. You literally light up a room when he walks in. I have no idea why you’re fighting this.”
“Because I don’t want to be the person in the marriage that loves that person who is only there because they feel obligated.”
She thought about that. “Yeah. That would suck.”
“Right? I mean, he would be stand up about it and take his lumps, but every single day I would wake up and know that he’s probably wishing he wasn’t there.”
“Are you sure about this? Are you sure that you want to do this on your own?”
“I’m totally shitting my pants here on this whole single mom thing, and nothing tempts me more than to have Jackson come in and save me, but there’s no happy ending here.”
She gave me a sad look and rubbed my hand. “So, are you just going to tell him no?”
“I tried.”
“What does that mean?”
“I mean he didn’t accept my answer. He was adamant that we’re getting married.”
“Well, that’s an interesting approach.”
I leaned forward. “Beth. You know me. I have no boundaries. I’m a marshmallow that people just step all over. What chance do you think I have going up against a determined navy SEAL.”
She gave an amused smile. “The more you tell me about this guy, the more I like him.”
“Beth. I’m serious.”
“I am too. He’s totally hot. He’s got his shit together. He’ll take care of you. And he wants to marry you. For better or for worse. You should give him a chance.”
“So the Jackson camp can definitely count on your vote than,” I said dryly.
“Hey, anyone who isn’t Matt has my vote.”
***
I came home from coffee with Beth feeling more confused than ever. Part of me was wondering why I was even fighting Jackson on this, but another part of me, the part that really loved him, knew why. I wanted him to be happy. Was that such a bad thing? Weren’t you supposed to make sacrifices for those that you loved?
Jackson: You around?
Me: Yes
Jackson: Are you ready to continue our conversation?
Heart in throat and sweating hands I typed out my reply.
Me: Okay
I heard a car door slam and then feet were coming up the stairs two at a time. Oh wow. Two sharp knocks and th
en the door was sliding open. He filled the doorway. He stood there for a long moment, looking back at me.
“Hi,” I said, crossing and uncrossing my arms across my waist. I hated it when in a fit of nerves, I actually forgot what to do with my arms. I might as well wave a sign over my head shouting that I was nervous.
“You want to take Chloe for a walk?” he asked.
***
We walked in silence almost the entire way down to the river. Chloe was deliriously happy. She ran tirelessly back and forth retrieving the ball that Jackson threw for her.
Finally he spoke. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay.”
His eyes dropped to my waist. “How are you feeling?”
“Normal. I get tired. And I have to pee about every ten minutes but other than that, I don’t feel pregnant.”
“How did your talk with Matt go?”
“He’s starting to remember.”
“He mentioned that.”
I decided to not mention that Matt had also offered to still marry me.
I looked up at his face, “Do you think you and Matt will ever be friends again?”
He picked up the ball that Chloe dropped at his feet and fired it with power up the road. “Doubtful.”
My heart ached for him. This situation had broken something in Jackson’s life too. How much sacrifice did this man have to make on my behalf? I had been so determined to keep him around, I never once stopped and asked what it would cost him.
“How much do you regret coming here?”
“I don’t believe in regret.”
We walked in more silence. Both of us lost in our own thoughts. Did this man have any idea how much he meant to me? He had never missed a step in taking care of me, protecting me, looking out for me.
His question broke my train of thoughts.
“Why don’t you want to get married? Be real with me.”
I stopped walking and looked up at him. Just the sight of him made my heart sigh. “Because I’m in love with you and you don’t love me.”
His head jerked back like I had slapped him. He winced slightly.
Yup. How is that for getting real?
“Emily.”
“Jackson, when you left because you thought it was for the best, it crushed me. I felt such a sense of loss it was stupid. Marrying you when I know that you don’t have feelings for me, is emotional suicide.”