by Odette Stone
“Oh shit, oh shit,” I said, looking at the screen. I was crying. “Please call back. Please call back.”
I sat there for an hour, and dialled his Skype number to no avail. The absolute worst things were going through my mind. Visions of Jackson lying in that dusty sand, bleeding. Hurt. Possibly even dead. I texted him. I emailed him. I tried to call him. Nothing.
There was no communication at all from him. Where was he? What had happened? I knew he was a soldier, I knew he was a SEAL, but what I had just witnessed, made me realize first hand that this was real. Jackson lived and worked a dangerous job. He could die at any moment.
I could not erase from my mind the sight of him heading into a gun fight. If something happened to him, I would not survive. I could not imagine my life without him. The thought alone made me sick. I knew what death was. I knew what loss felt like, but to have Jackson die, that would feel like all the oxygen would be sucked out of this world. I would never make it.
I paced the length of the house, too freaked out to sleep. I made up some rules for myself. If Jackson survived this, I would never again bother him with my shit. He would get sunny, happy me on Skype telling him how awesome life was. The house could be burning around me and I would tell him everything was great. I would not distract him with my petty problems. I wouldn’t get emotional or give him bad news. He needed my support, not my issues.
At 5 AM, exactly nine hours since I last saw Jackson on Skype, I crawled upstairs and wrapped myself around his pillow, falling asleep with my iPad in my hands. When I woke up, I didn’t let the iPad leave my sight. I kept it charged and the volume on full. I was constantly checking to see if it had power and if the volume was on. Chloe didn’t get her walk. I spent the entire day, just sitting on the couch waiting. Waiting to hear from Jackson.
***
Seventeen hours later, my Skype rang. I opened it and there he was. Looking dirty, hot, a bit pissed off and completely alive.
I worked to not burst into tears. I had vowed to support him going forward. This wasn’t just about me. This was about him, staying safe and coming home.
“Emily,” he said, giving me a look. “I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s okay.”
“Were you worried?” he asked simply.
I moved the iPad away from my face so I could quietly sob. Then I wiped my tears and came back.
“You know, I know you’re crying. Why are you hiding that from me?”
“I don’t want to distract you,” I snivelled.
“From my job?”
I nodded, unable to speak.
“Emily. You know what makes me good at my job?”
“What?”
“My ability to completely focus. So you never have to worry that you’re distracting me. I can get the job done here, no matter what is going on there, okay?”
“I waited and waited for you to call back. I didn’t know what to think.”
He gave me a regretful look. “We had a blackout after our incident.”
“What does that mean?”
“Means that they turn off all outside communication for the entire group during notification of NOK.”
“What is NOK?”
“Next of Kin.”
I covered my mouth. “Someone died?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“Oh no!” my eyes filled with tears. “That’s so bad.”
“It isn’t good.”
“Was it a friend of yours?” I asked in a small voice.
He shrugged. “Just knew him by name, didn’t really know him. But he has a kid and another one on the way though.”
I shook my head unable to speak for a moment. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.”
Chapter 34
Another week passed by. I had ordered and received baby furniture, but the boxes remained unopened in Alien’s room. I was hoping that Jackson would be home long enough to help me. I spent the week painting a mural for Lauren’s six year old daughter. Elsa was set in a magical sparkling forest of white trees and a glistening frozen lake. Lauren invited me to the unveiling of the mural at Mindy’s birthday party. Mindy had been banned from entering her room while I was working on it, but when she saw the mural, she burst into noisy tears as she hugged her mom.
Everyone raved about the mural. Five different women took my number, promising to call to set up a coffee date.
***
Sunday night, Jackson called me on Skype.
“Are you in bed?”
“Hey. Nine o’clock is way past our bedtime.”
“How was the birthday party?”
“Mindy loved the mural. And I got five coffee invites out of it.”
“Nice work.”
“I think they want murals too.”
He smiled. “You’re on your way.”
“I also went to a Scentsy party.”
“What is Scentsy?”
“Candles, oils and diffusers.”
“Is this a good thing?”
“Chloe and I got a dog walking date out of it.”
“Look at you.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s kind of nice to talk to someone who doesn’t have four legs and a tail.”
“But Chloe is such a good listener.”
“She is, but I think even she is getting sick of the sound of my voice.”
He laughed.
Where are you?”
“We are in San Lucas.”
“Mexico?”
“Just a stop over. We are converging units and we have the night off.”
“Tacos and beer?”
He yawned. “Sleep. How’s Alien?”
“She likes to dance,” I rubbed my belly. “She’s about the size of a mango.”
“I thought we agreed that Alien would be a boy.”
“We’ll see,” I said with a grin.
“What else is new?”
“Beth broke up with her boyfriend of three years.”
His eyes widened. “How come?”
I leaned forward. “She caught him cheating with her boss.”
“Her boss?”
“Apparently they met at a work BBQ she brought him too. So now on top of looking for a new place to live, she is also looking for a new place to work.”
“Ouch.”
“Yes, she thought he was the one.”
He snorted. “The one?”
“You know. Her soul mate?”
“Good luck finding that.”
“You don’t believe in the one?”
“I believe in commitment.”
“But not love?”
He dodged my question. “Beth is a good girl. She’ll find someone good.”
“Jackson,” someone yelled from off camera. I watched as he looked to his left and then nodded. I could hear a female voice.
“Come on, we’re ready to go. Cheap shots at the local.”
“I’m talking to Emily.”
“But you’re coming right?”
“Probably not. I haven’t slept in 35 hours.”
“When has that ever stopped you?”
I watched as a female figure walked behind him. She bent down, put her arm around Jackson’s shoulder. It was fucking Harper smiling at me, all friendly into the camera with her big brown eyes. What was she doing there? Was she actually on a mission with him? I crossed my arms in front of my chest, feeling instantly defensive.
“Hi Emily,” she smiled at me.
“Hi,” I said through gritted teeth.
“You don’t mind if we steal Jackson? The party isn’t a party until he comes out.”
She looked down at Jackson, her face practically touching his. Her arm, however casual, was still around his shoulder.
She looked up and winked at me. It was that wink that made me want to scream. She knew exactly what she was doing. This wasn’t harmless, friendly fun. This was her declaring her intentions on my husband. A husband I barely knew.
My vo
ice sounded wooden. “No, absolutely. You guys should go out.”
She stood up. “Nice seeing you, Emily.”
Jackson said something to her off camera that I couldn’t hear. When he turned back I was so hurt and pissed, I was practically crying.
“You should go.”
“Emily.”
“Have a good night.”
I clicked the off button and tossed the iPad onto the bed. Tears burned my eyes.
My Skype rang again. I wiped my tears off my face and opened the screen but I didn’t say anything. We stared at each other. Both of us pissed off in our own right. He swallowed.
“You hung up on me.”
I sniffed.
“You’re mad I’m going out.”
“No, by all means. Go out drinking with Harper.”
“She’s not the only one who’s going to be there.”
I crossed my arms, in disbelief. “She winked at me.”
“Harper winks at everyone. That’s her thing.”
“Oh fine. Well I guess it’s okay than if I go out with Mark.”
He glowered. “That is not the same fucking thing.”
I crossed my arms, refusing to speak.
“Emily. I told you. I’m committed to you.”
I was starting to hate that fucking word. My husband was in Mexico with his ex-girlfriend and they were about to tie one on together but it was okay, because he was fucking committed.
“She wants you back.”
“Why can’t you let this go? She has. I have.”
“She hasn’t let it go.”
“You need to move on.”
I shook my head. I was done with this conversation. “Have fun.”
“Emily.”
“I need to go.”
“You want to end this conversation like this?”
Tears threatened to overflow out of my eyes. “Yes.”
“Really.” He looked pissed.
“Have a good night.”
He sat there staring at me. “You too.”
And then he was gone.
I cried. Long and hard after that conversation as I imagined Harper, with her tall and slender body at the bar with Jackson. Getting drunk. Laughing together. Meanwhile, I was getting bigger by the minute, living by myself on this fucking military base.
A strong loving marriage would struggle under these circumstances. In the last four months of marriage, Jackson had been home less than two weeks. Our entire relationship was based on texts and Skype calls, but Harper was there, putting her arms around him.
***
I woke up at 3 AM to my phone buzzing.
Jackson: Still pissed?
Me: How was your night drinking with Harper?
Jackson: I’m drunk
Me: Is there a point to you drunk texting me?
Jackson: You’re my wife
Me: Thank you for remembering that fact
Jackson: You drive me crazy
Me: So you tell me
Jackson: Stay away from Mark
Me: Chloe said you should go to bed
Jackson: I mean it
Me: She said you should drink lots of water
Jackson: Tell her I miss her too
Me: Ok
Chapter 35
Jackson: Coming home tonight. Will be at the hanger at 8 PM
Me: You want me to pick you up?
Jackson: Only if your not busy
I spent the rest of the day in a bundle of nerves. Jackson and I had experienced our fair share of differences lately. Coupled that by the long distance between us, and I wasn’t sure how things would be when he came home.
He didn’t think that Harper was an issue, but I knew that woman was gunning to get Jackson back. He said he was committed to me, but what exactly did that entail? What did his commitment and our marriage matter if his heart longed for her? Was he wishing that he would rather be with her?
***
Fifteen minutes before 8 PM, I parked at the huge hanger. I was nervous. I showed my ID and was directed to a waiting area. There were dozens of people waiting. Most of them were women. Kids ran wild in their pyjamas and jackets. I looked around but I didn’t recognize anyone.
I became acutely aware of being noticed. I had a stupid smile pasted to my face, praying that someone might come over and say hi but no one did. I was too shy to approach any of the groups myself, so I took refuge in the farthest chair away from everyone and spent most of my time studying the floor. I knew people were talking about me. I just didn’t know what to do about it.
***
I was in the bathroom in a stall when I heard a few women come in.
“I guess we know why someone of Jackson’s caliber ended up being married to someone like her.”
“Yeah, he got duped by the oldest trick in the book.”
My entire body went still as I listened to them talk.
“Remember Macy?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll never forget this. This was years ago, and she was about to have a drunken one nighter with Jackson. She stupidly made the suggestion that he skip the condom and just withdraw. Instead he pulled on his pants and walked out.”
“Well smart move on his part since we all know that Macy deliberately got pregnant to get her man to propose.”
“Well looks like the same thing happened to Jackson. I heard that she poked a hole in the condom.”
“Oh God. Poor Jackson.”
“I know, right? And poor Harper.”
I stood in the bathroom stall frozen. What was the obsession with Jackson and his birth control practices? Now more nasty rumours were flying around about poor Alien’s conception. This poor kid. Not even born and the object and scorn of half the base.
I opened the stall door and walked out. Four women were standing at the mirror, putting on lipstick and fixing their hair.
Four sets of eyes glanced at me and then avoided my gaze as I stepped up to wash my hands. I didn’t recognize any of these women. That was the crazy part about all of this. Women whom I had never even seen in my life were discussing my sex life and spreading nasty rumours about my marriage and unborn child. I was halfway to the door when I realized if I couldn’t stand up for my kid, then I would really suck as a parent.
I stopped and turned. “I didn’t poke a hole in a condom. We didn’t use any protection. There wasn’t a single condom in sight.”
No one moved a muscle. Let them stew over that one. I turned on my heel and walked out. Even though my legs were still shaking, I made it back to my seat. I felt fairly exhilarated. The truth might be more shocking than the rumours, but at least I had, in some small part, taken charge of how I was going to be treated. I wasn’t going to run or hide from the rumours that chased me. They could have the truth and how they choose to deal with it was no longer my business.
***
Two hours later, we were still waiting. I was exhausted. I closed my eyes. The chair was so hard it reminded me of the waiting room at the hospital. I was just dozing off to sleep, when I heard someone say, “Here they come.”
I rubbed my eyes and staggered to my feet. I looked at my watch. It was 10:50 PM. The excited bubbling crowd of women and kids had turned into a silent and weary group. We were led by someone into the large hanger and watched as the huge hanger doors slowly were drawn open. A massive military plane slowly taxi towards us. I stared at it in awe. I don’t think I have ever seen a plane that big before. There was a cool wind and my thin jean jacket was doing nothing to protect me. I was freezing cold. Our ragtag group huddled together as we watched in silence as the huge ramp at the back of the plane slowly lowered down to the ground.
Soldiers started filing off the plane. They were all dressed in uniform. They moved with orderly precision. It was an impressive sight. I never really could grasp Jackson or his job or what this life entailed, but this was his life. And somehow, this had become my life.
I saw him walking across the tarmac beside Forbes. He looked
so strong the way he moved. He was carrying a huge green duffle bag over his shoulder. His big boots and his fatigues only added to his tough physique. Jackson was all man, and as a solider he was heart-stopping.
I felt myself get nervous, watching him walk towards me. His eyes lifted and he scanned the group I was standing in. Would things be weird between us? The last time we have talked, we had fought about Harper.
I felt a jolt the moment his eyes met mine. His expression was stoic, but it felt like the sun was again shining on my face. How had this man become so vital and so important to me? When had this happened? It staggered me knowing how much I needed him.
He walked towards me. I stood there frozen and stiff, aware that our reunion was garnering a lot of attention. He dropped his bag and then he was picking me up in his arms and lifting me off my feet. My arms went up as I buried my face into his neck. He smelled so good. I was shaking from cold, fatigue and nerves.
“You’re trembling.”
“I’m cold.” My cold lips were stuck to the warm skin of his neck.
“How’s Alien?”
“Taking up more real-estate.”
He set me back down and held me so he could look me over. “That he is.”
“I’m exclusively in maternity clothes now.”
He picked up his bag and then grabbed my hand. “Let’s go home.”
***
Chloe howled when she saw Jackson. He gave her a good face washing until she calmed down.
“Someone is happy to see you.”
His smile was big. “She’s alright.”
“Do you want something to eat?”
“I’m good.”
He stood in the middle of the kitchen, dominating the room. I always seemed to forget how massive my husband was. He fairly towered over me. He studied me. “How have things been for you?”
“Everything is good. How are you? How was work?”
“Fine.”
I struggled to think of something to say. Things always seemed so weird when he came back. I felt awkward and shy around him.