“She wasn’t here,” he responded.
She pointed toward me. “She was on her way.”
I bit back a smile as I carried the dirty laundry through Dad’s yard. I cringed as my tennis shoes sunk into the grass. “She’s right, Dad. My shoes are soaked!”
She smiled as if to say see. “Shouldn’t you help her with that?” she asked him.
Dad moved to help me, but I wouldn’t let him. “I got it. Your back, remember?”
He sighed. “Carrying your clothes is hardly going to make my back go out.”
I just gave him that look because we both knew that was a lie. Some days he could do quite a bit and never have a problem. Other days he could bend over and not be able to raise up or get back down for days after that. He’d be miserable and even teared up sometimes when it happened. I hated to see him like that. I wouldn’t encourage him to do things he shouldn’t, even though I knew he still did, but I couldn’t stop him from cutting his grass and things. He knew there was a chance about his back, but he did it anyway. Now that drinking was out of the picture, he liked to stay busy, sometimes too much, and he paid for it later.
Faith watched him from the corner of her eyes, seemingly studying him. “Your back is why you don’t work?”
“My dad used to work in the mines,” I said quickly, seeing that Dad looked slightly irritated that he looked as useless as he felt for not working. “Until an accident in the mines nearly crippled him.”
“I wasn’t always a recovering alcoholic, not that it’s any of your concern,” he said curtly.
“Dad,” I muttered quickly.
“Have you invited him to Ben’s party yet?” Just like that, Faith whipped us into safer territory, without a care that she made my dad so uncomfortable.
“Party?” Dad frowned.
“Not yet,” I said right after Dad gave away that I hadn’t asked him yet.
“Next Saturday,” she met his eyes and said. “Not tomorrow, the Saturday after,” she said again to make sure he understood. “I’m having Ben a surprise party for his forty-fourth birthday.”
“Will there be food?” Dad asked, and I forgot to hold in my snort with Faith around.
“Yeah,” she answered. “No alcohol though.”
Dad and I both looked at her a little surprised as she squirmed rather awkwardly. She was taking Dad into consideration.
She glanced my way hurriedly. “Come by the house once you put your clothes in the wash,” was all she said, then she turned her heels in the muddy grass and walked back over into her fancier yard.
“That woman,” Dad practically growled the moment she stepped inside her house. “She does nothing but snubs her nose at us ever since we moved in next door and now she invites us to a party?”
My lips twitched into a smile. “Dad…”
“I know.” He sighed, taking the hamper from my hands despite my protests. “Bless her evil soul. She’s forced to try to get to know us now that Benjamin got the girl he’s been mooning after since he was a kid.”
I smiled at that.
As we walked inside, he grumbled again. “Seriously though, who wears heels when it’s muddy out?”
Faith Helen that was who.
_______
I sat at Faith’s kitchen table as she set a cup of tea in front of me. I wasn’t much of a fan of tea, but I took it anyway with a smile. I waited until she sat down before I felt the need to say. “Dad’s accident was hard on him, it’s the reason he fell into drinking. He felt useless that he had no control over what his body could do any longer.”
Normally, I wouldn’t say anything to Faith. I’d just let it go, but there was a fierce protectiveness I had when it came to people understanding the man that I only just got to know over the last few years. He was a screwup, but he wasn’t always, and the man that he was today deserved recognition and respect.
“Of course, he can do a lot more now, but his back still goes out on him if he does too much.”
She was quiet for a moment as she took a sip of her tea. “Is this why your mom left?”
I nodded. “He wasn’t a good husband. He wasn’t a good anything while he drank… But he found himself again, and I got a father I never really had before in the process.” I looked down at the table, unable to meet her gaze because I was too afraid of what I might see. I told her our sob story because I truly wanted her to understand me and him and how far we’d come.
“Why didn’t your mom come back?” she asked casually.
“She’s engaged, actually,” I told her. I wondered if Benjamin had mentioned anything to her at all about my mom.
“Make sure to invite them over,” she said quickly. “Unless that would make your dad uncomfortable?” she had the decency to ask.
There were so many fears with this entire subject. She didn’t know my mom was a lesbian, and I had yet to tell Dad about Mom’s engagement.
“I’m sure it will be fine,” I whispered. “I’ll ask to make sure.”
She nodded. “Now that that’s settled. Let’s talk about you and Benjamin.”
My eyes widened, and I gripped my hands together underneath the table. “What about us?”
“Are you guys going to move?” she asked.
“Huh?”
She sighed. “I knew it.” She took a sip of her tea. “He left me no choice.” She knew exactly how to knot someone’s stomach up. “His dad wants him to manage our dealership in Charleston,” she informed me with ease. “I don’t know if Benny would even want it, but it’s his if he wants to move.”
It was hard for me to hold a smile when I had no clue what all this meant. This made sense though. He was distracted about something, and this had to be it. “He never mentioned it to me.”
“Don’t look worried,” she warned me instead of consoling me. “Knowing him, he probably won’t even consider it because of you.”
“Why?” I frowned.
“Would you go if he asked you to pick up and move without much notice?”
I thought about it. My answer came easy. Yes. Of course, I’d go with him. The thought of him leaving me here again made me want to break into tears. I was even afraid of the idea that he might decide to go and not ask if I wanted to go. My soul cracked a little with that thought.
But, at the same time, I remembered Dad and frowned.
“I’d go anywhere with him,” I admitted softly. “But he hasn’t said anything and there’s also my dad to think about.”
“What about him?” she asked.
I met her eyes across the table. “He has no one.”
She tossed her hands up in the air. “Ah, he’s fine. He has Ben.” That made me smile slightly, but not enough. “Your dad…” She tilted her head back and forth as if she were thinking. “He’s a good-looking man. I bet I can set him up with one of my lady friends if you want.”
“He despises the idea of being set up with someone,” I told her. “I had a co-worker around his age last year that I wanted to set him up with—anyway he liked to kill me over it.”
That made her smile. “No matter, he’ll never realize what I’m doing.”
Her words were slightly terrifying. She was a terrifying woman in general.
“I’m not sure…” I drifted off.
That hand of hers waved in the air again. “Don’t worry. I’ve got it all figured out.”
“Faith… Do you think Benjamin wants to move?” I asked in a whispery voice.
“I don’t know,” she mumbled. “You’re his woman. You need to figure out what you’re willing to do yourself.”
“But he hasn’t even told me.”
“Does that disappoint you?”
“Of course!”
She smiled. “I’m not worried then, but maybe he is. He might be thinking too much about how you’d react… Just like you’re overthinking him not telling you.”
I bit my lip and sighed. “This isn’t us.”
“Love makes everyone different because love gives fear
the ability to control us. Tell me, Emily, how much more is there to fear now that you’re in love with my Benny?”
I completely overlooked her saying ‘my Benny’ because I was too focused on the truth of her words. She was right. Love like this… What I felt for Benjamin was terrifying because I didn’t know how to escape the fear of losing it. It wasn’t rational to even worry about something that was so beautiful and perfect, but I couldn’t stop my brain from wanting to reach into the future and wonder if he’d stop adoring me like he did now.
Even so, I never wanted to give it up.
I’d leave right this second if he’d ask me to pack up and go somewhere with him. My future was all kinds of maps that had him in it. No matter which direction we chose, I’d make sure we stuck together.
______
That night, as I lay my head across Benjamin’s chest, making small circles with my index finger against his flawless skin, I let myself believe that he had something to be afraid of. He had the fear of losing me that kept him from bringing up the job offer. I had no idea if it was something that he’d even want to do—but from the excitement he had about his dad being away, so he could run this one—I thought maybe he really wanted to take it and hated the idea of me saying I wouldn’t go.
I hadn’t gone with him once when he had asked me to before. Well, his mom had something to do with that, but that time was also different.
He loved my body again tonight like he did every morning and night since we’d had the first taste of each other. He savored me slowly tonight, and it didn’t matter how he handled my body, I just knew I loved it however he did.
I propped my elbow up and rested my head in my palm as I looked up at him. His glasses rested on his nose. There was more stubble on his face since he’d been letting it grow the last couple of days. He was too sexy, I thought as he held his tablet up scrolling through it with one hand because his other rubbed across my arm, breaking goose bumps over my skin.
“Shit, Emily,” he muttered, surprising me because we had been in a state of quiet since making love. “Have you seen the rankings on Amazon for your books?”
I smiled. “I know. I check every morning.”
He looked up from his tablet and studied me. “Why aren’t you excited? This is amazing, babe.”
I shook my head. “I am excited, but those ranks are temporary. I can’t imagine it staying that way.”
He sighed, placing his tablet on his chest to grab my chin. “Who cares if it doesn’t last? The fact is, people are buying your words, and most of them must like them enough to keep reading.”
He forced a cheesy smile from my lips. “I do love it,” I admitted. “Just the idea people adore these two as much as I do… It does make me happy.”
“Hell yeah,” he said, and I laughed. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Have you been writing the fifth one?”
“I have been writing before going to work every day,” I answered. “Another week and I’ll probably have the rough draft finished. Then all the editing and rewriting that makes me want to gauge my eyes out will come next.”
That made him grin, then he stopped mid-grin. “You’re making money from your books now. Have you considered quitting Crash’s?”
“I’ve thought about it,” I told him. “But, I’m too afraid. Nothing’s guaranteed with self-publishing.”
“You act like I’m not right here to provide for you when your sales dip,” he mumbled.
I met his brown eyes. “You’d really take care of me, wouldn’t you?”
I wasn’t smiling or anything, I was just voicing the truth.
“Haven’t I always?” he asked, not smiling either.
This was a moment between us.
“You do,” I whispered. “You’re too good to me, Benjamin. It makes my teeth hurt.”
“Don’t call me a toothache.”
I giggled as he pulled me into his arms. I sighed into his chest and came to know that my love was never going to voice his wants to me. My heart swelled and felt like bursting when I thought about the true gravity of how much I meant to him.
“Benjamin.”
“Hmm,” he said into my hair.
“Have you thought about what you want?”
He paused, then pulled us apart. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… Is this apartment where we stay? How far are you going to take our feelings? Do you want to live in this town always, or do you want to leave?” He looked slightly shaken. I hadn’t worded it completely right. “Don’t look that way,” I whispered. “I want what you want. Sometimes I think that you’re so wrapped up in the things I want that you completely ignore yourself.”
“You are my world,” he replied with passion in his voice and gaze. “Fuck, Emily, don’t talk about me leaving anywhere.” He squeezed me tight against him. “You’re not leaving me, and I’m not leaving you.”
I sighed, smiling despite the fact that he wasn’t getting it. “Who said anything about separating?” I asked him. “I just want you to tell me if there’s anything you want. You gave me a dream that I wasn’t even sure I wanted or was brave enough to go for. I just want to make sure we do the same for you.” He was quiet and so was I for a while before I asked. “Do you even want to work at the dealership?”
He pulled away from me and smirked, somewhat appearing pleased with me. “Of course, I do. When have I ever done anything, I didn’t want to do?”
I thought back to our school days and all the sports he gave up for his free time and his simple way of seeing things. “That’s true.” He chuckled softly. “We could leave this apartment, ya know? We could leave right now and take a vacation.”
“At midnight?” he teased.
“I’m serious. I’d pick up and go anywhere with you.”
His eyes sobered, and I let him see the truth in my words. Then came the heavy-lidded loving expression I was so used to receiving, followed by the rush of uncertainty and fear that I had felt earlier today seep through his facial expression.
I thought I might have figured out what my love truly wanted from his expression. Only he kept holding back from asking me. Which meant he was afraid, and I adored him more for it.
We shared fears because our love for each other was that extraordinary.
Chapter 36
_____
Benjamin
I was out of time.
Dad was back home. Today we were celebrating his forty-fourth birthday. I’d been dodging the answer every time he asked me through text. I didn’t ask Emily. I let the opportunity slip through my fingers, and although I liked the idea of leaving, I loved the idea of Emily more.
We were great. No, we were beyond that. Every day spent with her, and every night with her sleeping by my side felt like a dream. I never thought I’d get the girl, my best friend, but somehow, she let me inside her every night, and I walked with my head in the clouds every single day because of it.
So, even though I was a little disappointed in myself for not at least asking her, I didn’t regret my decision to just let it go. I was positive I would get another opportunity in a few years after Emily and I had been together for a while, and I didn’t feel like I might piss my pants with the fear of her not loving me enough to leave her dad and hometown.
I’m serious. I’d pick up and go anywhere with you.
I grabbed my chest at the memory of her saying that. She had been talking about vacations, picking up and doing something spontaneous within a night, but her words had spoken right at my insecurities and for a split second, I thought I should ask her.
Of course, I didn’t.
Cut me some slack. I was the one that pined after her since we were kids and faithfully stayed in the safe place she designated just for me. I wasn’t going to lose her for anything. She topped everything else. Everything. No way was I going to screw it up with asking her if she’d pack up and move away with me when we were still new in this relati
onship.
But the possessive part of me couldn’t see the big deal. We’d known each other, and I was her go-to person since forever.
“When are Emily and her parents getting here?” Mom yelled from over next to the grill. She was the one doing the cooking while Dad stood close by talking to one of his buddies. I took a look at everyone here. Was it just me or were there a lot of divorced and widowed ladies at this party? That was…odd. Dad wasn’t friends with all these women.
“They should be on their way,” I yelled across the yard. I sat on one of the foldout chairs Mom had put out.
She nodded. “Still haven’t asked her?”
I shrugged. “I’m not going. I just want to enjoy her instead of burdening her with the idea of moving.”
For the first time, my mom had nothing to say.
_______
Emily
“Do we have to be here?” Mom grumbled next to me as we walked up the front steps to Faith and Ben’s house.
I sighed, swallowing the nerves in my throat. “Yeah, we do. She invited us.”
“People don’t normally go to these sorts of things anyway,” she said.
“I’m nervous too, okay? But I love her son with the weight of my soul, and I need this woman to know us and eventually like us.” I stared at her, then Sarah next to her, then Dad on my other side. “I think we’re likable-ish.”
Dad grunted, and I shot him a glare. He turned away and eyed Mom in her dress. “Dad,” I hissed. “Can you not?” With the knowing smirk he gave me and that cheesy grin, I knew he knew what I was talking about.
“You’re looking good, Deb,” he just had to go and say.
Sarah eyed him cautiously.
“You too, Nolan,” Mom replied, casting a small smile at Sarah.
Ugh. So awkward.
Dad was still checking his ex-wife out when he started doing the same to Sarah. “You look nice as well, Sarah.” She grunted and twisted her skirt around in reply. Should I just go ahead and tell them all to go home? “So… You all for the ladies or do you like men too?”
“Dad!” I screeched. I was flaming red in the face with anger and mortification because I had a feeling he was on a roll today and had no plans on stopping.
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