Mary approached them. “So you fellows looking for something to eat as well?”
Rat nodded. “Anything but vegetables for me.”
“How about those turn-baked chickens.”
“Rotisserie?” Mary leaned way down onto the table putting herself at eye-level with the small Gnome.
“Well, if that’s what they come with.” Grimbledung waggled his ears. He tried furiously to maintain eye contact with Mary. For the most part he did.
“How many do you want?”
Grimbledung thought for a moment. “Have they had anything to eat?” He pointed at the two empty chairs.
Mary gasped and stood upright.
“Sorry! I didn’t realize that was a sensitive question!” Grimbledung exclaimed.
Mary turned around. “One of you pinches me again and you’ll be out on your ear,” she said to a table of Halflings- four in all.
“What’s that I just heard?” Said a Halfling. “A complaint from a doxie?”
The Halflings at the table all laughed.
Grimbledung stood. “That’s my friend you’re handling there, pal. I’ll not tolerate that.”
“Friends with a doxie?” The Halfling snorted. “Or are you a paying customer?” He leered at Mary. “Servicing minors? You should be ashamed of yourself, doxie!”
The laughter spread to the adjacent table of Halflings.
Grimbledung shook with anger.
“Grim,” said Rat. “You promised.”
Grimbledung nodded at Rat. “I did. I promised to not throw a single punch.” He picked his chair high over his head- he was surprised with the weight of it. Someone’s carried a chair from upstairs down here!
“What’re you going to do with that light bit of kindling?” The Halfling smirked at Grimbledung.
In one fluid motion, Grimbledung shifted his feet to handle the regular-weight chair and brought it down on the Halfling’s head. Even being a regular chair, it splintered into a dozen pieces as it knocked the Halfling to the floor, dazed.
Grimbledung backed a step and kicked the Halfling in the head, knocking him onto his back. When he got there, he didn’t move. Grimbledung pointed the chair leg at the other Halflings. “Stinking Halflings!”
All the Halflings in the room stood.
The chatter stopped completely.
All eyes were on the youthful-looking Grimbledung and the broken chair leg he was holding.
A sharp Ka-Clack broke the silence.
All eyes turned to the bar. Maurice had a very large, loaded crossbow in his hands. “There’ll be none of that.”
Mary smiled at Grimbledung. “Thanks Grim,” she said.
“Sure thing, Mary.” He turned to look at the bartender. “Thanks Maurice!”
Maurice gave Grimbledung a nod. “No trouble at all, Mister Sixtoes.” He looked around the room. “Now why don’t you all sit back down and continue to enjoy your evening?”
“You heard Mister Tarbender!” Grimbledung said. “Back to the enjoyment!”
He grabbed a chair from a nearby table. It felt as light as it should have. He hopped onto it. “So where were we?”
“You want chickens for everyone?”
“No vegetables,” reminded Rat.
Mary nodded. “Three chickens, four plates. And no vegetables.”
Grimbledung toasted her with his mug and took another drink. “Sounds great!”
Rat followed suit.
While they were drinking, another employee of the bar brought a chair over and put the still-groggy Halfling in it. After a stern warning, he left the wobbling Halfling with a new drink.
Drimblerod and Colossus came down the stairs. The bar was full of people talking and laughing. Not a chair was in flight, not a mug shattered. “Well, that’s a sight!”
“I’ll say,” said Colossus, “I expected a full on brawl going on. Maybe we should keep that partner of yours pint-sized for a while longer.”
The pair made it to the table as Mary slipped three smoking chickens onto the table. She dealt out four plates. “The chickens are on me.” She gave Grimbledung a wink.
“So what’s that all about?” Drimblerod asked.
Grimbledung pulled a leg off the chicken. “Nothing at all, Drim.” He waved the leg at his partner. “Now eat up and don’t cause any trouble.”
The Halfling at the table beside them fell out of his chair.
“What’s with him?” Asked Drimblerod.
Grimbledung shrugged. “Probably can’t hold his liquor.”
Rat nodded. “That’s it, most likely.”
The foursome drank and ate late into the evening, and then the early morning. They were finally shoo’ed upstairs by Maurice after all the other patrons. They weaved and teetered their way up the stairs and out into the street.
Drimblerod, Grimbledung, and Rat made their way back to Second-Hand Sorcery and into bed. With no fighting and just good, solid drinking and eating to fill their evening, they were very pleased with themselves.
Colossus made his way back to the Duck Inn and Dine.
Chéri was not pleased with him at all.
Chapter 53
It’s the Day of the Victory over Halflings Day Jamboree!!
“Shhh, not so loud.” Grimbledung rolled out of bed. His head throbbed. “It’s the day of the victory over Halflings day jamboree,” he whispered. “Say it like that.” Gingerly, he made his way to the POOPA. Each footstep felt like a hammer hitting his head. He looked twice to make sure there wasn’t someone behind him, bopping him on the head. Tentatively he reached out for the pole- it was fuzzy but still in focus enough for him to aim for. He took several steps back and leapt towards it. The squeaking of the pole as he slid down it sounded like the shrieks of the BanShee.
By the time he made it (again gingerly) back upstairs, Drimblerod was sitting at the table. With his head on it.
“You alive?” Grimbledung asked.
“I don’t think so.”
“So that’s a first.”
“Me dying? I suppose it is.”
Grimbledung shook his head. It felt as if there were several loose rocks bouncing back and forth in it. “A night at the Mora Tau without a brawl.”
Drimblerod raised his head. “We need coffee.”
“You going to make coffee?”
“Shhh!” Drimblerod said. He clutched his head afterwards. “It would be too loud. Want to sneak over to the Duck?”
Grimbledung nodded. Now the rocks were bouncing up and down. “Only if we do it quietly.”
“You want to grab Rat?”
“Only if we do it quietly.” Grimbledung looked around the room through squinted eyes. “Where’s the little rodent?”
“Downstairs was the last I saw him. Pushed up against the counter.”
“What’s he doing there?”
Drimblerod stood. “I tried to put him on the counter but I missed. Then I was afraid if I bent over to pick him up, I’d throw up then fall over. Or fall over then throw up. Or however else you can make a combination of those two.” He rubbed his eyes. “So I left him there.”
“Better safe than sorry, I suppose. He’s on the way so I’ll grab him.”
Drimblerod came around the table and grasped the bannister. “Let’s go.” He cringed as he made his way down the stairs, his partner right behind him.
When they reached the bottom, Grimbledung made a detour to the counter. Rat was propped up against it, head down, tail in the air. Snoring loudly. “Commere you.” He picked up Rat, using the stool as support on the way down and back up.
“We there yet?” Rat asked.
“Almost. Go back to sleep. I’ll let you know when we’re there.”
Rat returned to snoring.
Door opened to allow Drimblerod and Grimbledung out. The bright sunshine assailed them. “Stupid sun,” said Grimbledung. He shaded his eyes with Rat. “Let’s get indoors quick-like.”
Drimblerod nodded. “Follow me.”
The pair m
ade their way down the boardwalk, trying to avoid the direct rays of the sun as much as possible. Finally after what seemed like an eternity -but was actually less than ten minutes- they reached the door of the Duck Inn and Dine.
Drimblerod tugged the door open. “After you.” He gestured into the welcoming darkness of the foyer.
Grimbledung, still holding Rat over his eyes, ducked into the building. “Finally. I think that sun had it out for us.”
The pair turned left and managed to push their way through the curtain. They selected a booth in a quiet corner. Grimbledung put Rat on the table. “We’re here Rat.”
Drimblerod waved at the serving wench.
The Gnomess came to the table with a smile on her face. “Well, look what the Rat dragged in. Mister Grimbledung Sixtoes, I presume?”
“Technically, I dragged him in,” corrected Grimbledung. “And stop shouting, Mistress Flora O. Willowfeet.”
Not only did Flora never shorten Grimbledung’s name, Grimbledung always called the serving wench by her full name.
“So some coffee, eggs, and some bacon?” Flora gave a fake frown. “For the poor, hung-over shop owners?”
“And me,” said Rat. “Don’t forget me.”
Flora laughed. “How could I? You’re a key employee. Or so I’ve been told.”
Rat rolled over onto his back. “You’ll just have to pour the coffee in me, Flora.”
“If you two are done being loud,” said Drimblerod, “I’d appreciate some quiet”. He put his head back on the table.
“And some toast ’n butter,” said Grimbledung. “If there’s any to spare.”
Flora nodded. “There is. We were just getting ready to throw it out.”
“Throw it out, Flora O. Willowfeet?” Grimbledung peered up at her through fuzzy eyes. “What’s wrong with it?”
“Nothing at all. It’s just that lunchtime crowd prefers rolls over toast. And it’ll be stale by tomorrow.”
“Lunchtime?” Drimblerod rolled his head to the side to look at her.
“Yes you... three,” she said. “It’s practically midday.”
“Then we better eat quick-like so we don’t miss lunch.”
“I’ll be right back, Grimbledung,” said Flora with a smile.
“You know, that Flora gal’s all right,” said Rat. “Why don’t you stop chasing around other Gnomes and set your sights on her, Grim?”
Grimbledung put his head on the table. “Don’t be absurd. That female drives me insane.”
“-er” said Drimblerod.
Rat laughed.
Grimbledung didn’t get the joke. Ever. “Or what?”
“Fine then. Insane-or,” said Drimblerod.
Rat laughed.
“Or what?” Grimbledung held his head. “Stop doing that. Or at least do it quieter.”
By the time Flora returned, the Gnomes were sitting up and chatting. Though still quietly. “Here we go gents”. She slid the tray she was holding against her hip onto the table. “Just what the doctor ordered.”
“Doctor’s orders?” Asked Grimbledung. “Sounds official.”
Flora rolled her eyes. “Yes, so you have to eat all of it. In the correct order.”
“Correct order?”
Rat snickered.
“Yes. First all the eggs, then the bacon, then the toast.” She stifled a smile. “And the coffee alternates between bites as needed.”
“That’s how I was going to eat it anyway.”
“Well, aren’t you the professional, Grimbledung.”
Grimbledung nodded at Flora. “I really am a professional.”
“If you two are finished with your lively, bordering on flirting banter.”
“What?”
“What?”
Rat gave them each the once over with his good eye. “Never mind; hangover humor.” He sat up. “Let’s get this meal in us.”
Grimbledung nodded. “Sounds good to me, Rat. I’m starving you know. Starving.”
“You ate three chickens last night,” said Drimblerod.
“And not a thing today,” replied Grimbledung as Flora moved the food from her tray to the table. “And it’s almost half over.” He groaned to emphasize the point. “Starving.”
Flora picked up a piece of bacon and held it out for Grimbledung. “There, there, you poor Gnome. This will get you going.”
He ate it from her hand. “Thanks, Flora O. Willowfeet.”
“Am I the only one seeing this?” Rat shook his head. “Pour me some coffee someone.”
Drimblerod obliged Rat, then his partner, filling his own cup last. “Thanks Flora. You’re a lifesaver.”
“Only not quite as round.” Grimbledung gave her a once over. “Well, mostly anyway.”
Drimblerod cringed because he knew what was going to happen. It happened nearly every time they were in the Duck Inn and Dine. Sometimes more than once during the same meal.
Rat leaned forward in anticipation.
Flora bonked the tray on Grimbledung’s head. Hard. “Good day to you, Grimbledung.”
“What’d I say?!” Grimbledung rubbed the top of his head. “I’m telling you; that female’s going to be the death of me!”[38]
After an hour of eating, the Gnomes had regained enough of their strength to order lunch. Rat decided to skip the second meal and wander the booths to see if he could hear anything else about the Halfling’s plans.
“We’ll catch up in a little bit,” said Grimbledung as he picked up a radish. He waved it at Rat. “Find out who’s got the best deals for food.”
Rat nodded. “I’ll do what I can, but I’m mainly going to try and find out more about this crazy Halfling plan to kill any and all shamblers.”
“That’s important too, I suppose.” Grimbledung popped the radish in his mouth. “And not very neighborly, I must say.”
Rat scampered out.
“Say, Grim,” said Drimblerod. He leaned back and peeked out the window. “The weather’s fine out there. Want to take what we have left and go walking around?”
“Take it to go?” Grimbledung looked at the table. “I suppose we could. All we need is some flatbread and I think I can roll up all I have left in a couple of them.” He waved his hand over his head furiously.
“You know she hates when you do that, right?”
“How else does one get the attention of a female?”
“Well you could start with a compliment.”
“Really?” Grimbledung stopped waving his hand.
“I couldn’t hurt,” offered his partner.
“Really?”
“Try it,” suggested Drimblerod. “You’ll see.”
Flora approached the table. She tucked her tray under her arm. “What’s the crisis now?”
Grimbledung looked appraisingly at Drimblerod.
Drimblerod nodded. “Go on,” he said.
Grimbledung turned to look at Flora. “You know, your hair is long.”
Flora looked at Grimbledung.
Grimbledung looked at Drimblerod.
Drimblerod nodded. Again.
“You don’t look like other gals.”
Flora took her serving tray from under her arm.
Grimbledung looked at his partner, panicked.
Drimblerod gave a wink with his nod. “You got this.”
“You have beautiful eyes. Can I touch them?”
Flora grasped her serving tray with both hands.
“You’re attractive, but not in a traditional sense!”
Flora raised the serving tray over her head.
“Gah! You’ll make a great mother!”
Flora lowered the tray slightly.
“You sure have the hips for childbearing,” Grimbledung added triumphantly.
Flora bashed Grimbledung on the head with her serving tray. It bent in half with the force. She walked off angrily, but Grimbledung didn’t notice because of the bright flashes he was seeing.
“You’re about as wrong as can be,” said Grimbledung.
“Me? What’d I do?”
“You said it couldn’t hurt.” Grimbledung rubbed his head. “My headache is back.”
“I don’t think we’re getting flatbread,” said Drimblerod.
“Should I try again?”
Drimblerod shook his head. “Let’s just cut our losses. You might just spend the rest of the day at the doctor’s office.”
Grimbledung nodded. “Well, I’m at least taking the radishes with me. I paid for them fair and square.” He began stuffing his pockets with radishes. When he couldn’t fit any more in, he stood, and then added several more. The rest he shoved down the front of his pants. The front of his trousers were bulging out considerably. “How’s that?”
“Now you might just spend the rest of the day in jail.”
Grimbledung waggled his ears. “I’ll be fine. Let’s go see what there is to see in yon Jamboree.”
Drimblerod stood up. He took several pieces of meat and stuffed them into the remaining roll. “Better than nothing, I suppose.” He toasted his partner with the meat-filled bread. “Let’s go.”
Grimbledung waddled to the curtain. When they got there, Flora was stepping around the bar with several drinks on a new tray. “Flora O. Willowfeet, I have to confess...”
She looked in his direction.
Grimbledung put his hands on his hips. “You bring out the worst in me.”
Flora gaped at Grimbledung’s bulging trousers. She took a drink off her tray and threw it at him.
Grimbledung ducked as the drink sailed right where his head was a moment before. It shattered against the beam beside him, showering him with Ale. “Gah! Mad Gnomess! Mad Gnomess!” He ducked under the curtain as she reached for another drink.
“Flora, I just want to say...” Began Drimblerod.
Flora put her hand on another drink. “Yes?” She said icily.
“In Grimbledung’s defense...” When she reared back with the glass, he also ducked under the curtain.
Chapter 54
Victory Over Halflings Day Jamboree!
Drimblerod scooted through the foyer and out the door. Grimbledung was holding it open. And chewing on a radish. “That gal’s unstable.” He pointed back into the establishment with the remnants of the radish. “Un. Stable.”
A New Hope (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 4) Page 36