by Tina Seskis
I could not believe her cunning over her wedding though, that trumped anything else I’d ever known her to do. OK, she didn’t have a father to give her away, but choosing Ben? How ridiculous. How calculating. She knew we’d be forced to confront each other, that we wouldn’t be able to get away, although my God I’d tried.
My mind wanders back to that moment seven years ago when I was sat slumped in my car wondering what on earth I was going to say to my ex-husband, who I’d just very nearly run over in my bid to escape from him. Although I only had seconds all my thoughts came rushing past, like an auto cue on fast forward – how could Angel do that to me, her supposed best friend? Why was Ben running out to speak to me, what could he possibly want? Does he really think I'd run him over, surely he knows I was just trying to get past him, escape? What the hell was Ben doing giving Angel away? Why is Angel such a stinking liar, why did she swear that he was working overseas, that he couldn’t make the wedding? Who’s he here with, where’s the new girlfriend I heard he has now?
I’d had no time to work out anything before the passenger’s door was yanked open and Ben piled into the car, bigger than I remembered. He was making sure I couldn’t get away I suppose, if I drove off now he was coming with me. I must have been in shock. I sat looking straight ahead, out the windscreen, over the faded black bonnet he'd so nearly ended up on, my breath shallow and jumpy. Ben was raging, hopping mad like I’d never seen him.
“What the fuck are you trying to do, you maniac?” he yelled in my face. “You could’ve killed me.” And then he obviously realised what he’d said but he carried on, his fury hadn’t burned itself out yet.
“What are you doing here anyway? Angel said you were volunteering in Malawi with your mother.” I remember snorting at this, at Angel’s level of conniving.
“Don’t laugh, it’s not fucking funny. Are you trying to ruin this day for everyone, like your sister tried at our wedding? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why do you keep tormenting me?”
I snapped then. “Tormenting you? I'm not trying to torment you. I didn’t want to see you either, I can assure you. Angel swore on her life you wouldn’t be here. D'you think I wanted this to happen? I just wanted to go home, I wasn’t trying to run you down, I’m not that insane, I was just trying to avoid THIS.” And as I spat out the last anguished word I twisted and looked at him for the first time, full in the face, and it was like my heart had just taken another 90 degree turn, back into unconditional love for this man I used to be married to, and he saw it in my face, I couldn’t disguise it, and he leant across the car and grabbed me, not tenderly but with rage still, and he kissed me like he was trying to kill me, and then I was kissing him back and we were pulling across the car at each other so hard, so clumsily, so fucking furiously that we forgot completely that everyone, including his soon to be ex-girlfriend, was watching.
Charlie is lying down in the long grass under a tree, it’s too hot for him already, and the girls are turning cart-wheels and I call to them to mind where they put their hands, there are nettles just here. I missed Charlie so much in the two further years Ben and I were apart, it’s lovely to have him back. I’m so glad we decided to make our new home together in London, where Ben was living anyway – I moved straight back in with him the Monday after Angel’s wedding, it’s like we both felt we had no more time to lose. And after a few months we bought a tiny house not far from that hotel in Hampstead, the one where we stayed when Ben first found me. Our original attempt to try neutral territory, in a little Cheshire village, never had felt right, we’re city people really, and Manchester wasn’t an option either. But I love it here. Who’d ever have thought you could feel so at one with the earth in the middle of this monster city?
I still see Simon occasionally. It’s wonderful to see him so happy now he’s finally split from his wife – he waited until his son was 18, which is typically honourable of him, and his girlfriend is gorgeous. I’m lucky to have Mum nearby too these days, now she’s moved down to see more of her grandchildren, and although she’s devastated about Caroline of course, hopefully it will be easier in the future – at least she won’t have to worry anymore, and she’s happy that Caroline is at peace at last. Dad seems to have coped OK too so far, his new wife has been fantastic, and perhaps one day we’ll see that it’s a release for all of us.
I don’t feel anger or guilt about Caroline anymore. I found it so hard to forgive her but it seems she never forgave herself, and ten more years of misery and self-abuse are at least over for her, my poor tortured twin sister. Ben kept his promise to not see her again, so I barely saw her either and although I don’t like to think it, perhaps what’s happened is best for everyone in the long-run.
I walk with my girls down between the ponds, and I call Charlie and I stoop to put him on the lead, I don’t want him to chase the ducks. As I look up I see my husband walking towards me, he must have finished his swim early, and he has the weekend papers and coffee and fresh buns from the café by the tennis courts. My heart swoops and soars and our twins yell, “Daddy,” and Charlie breaks free from my grasp and runs like a puppy again. Charlie speeds towards him and Ben catches him by the collar and then the twins are there too, and I watch my family fall in a crumple to the soft grass, and laughter sounds across the sweet air.
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Table of Contents
Section 1
Section 2
Section 3
Section 4
Section 5
Section 6