Love Me or Leave Me Alone

by Nikisha Mock

  I was almost afraid to go back into the living room, but I knew I had to. I touched up my makeup and made sure my hair was still looking good. I pulled my dress back down and made sure it was wrinkle free.

  In the living room, Tyler was sitting on the couch patiently waiting. When I walked up to him, he stood and pulled me in for a hug. Then he kissed me again and I had to stop him. “Alright now are we really going out to eat or did you just come over here for a good time?” I asked, half joking, half serious.

  “We’re going to eat. I’m starving. You’re just so damn fine, Eva. I can’t keep my hands off of you, but I’ll try to be good I promise.”

  “Oh you’re good alright. Just try to behave until I can get you back here, okay?”

  “A’ight, I got you,” Tyler said.

  He’s so street and so not all at the same time. He’s rough and walks with a swagger, yet his demeanor changes and becomes sophisticated at the same time. Confidence is definitely sexy as long as it’s not mixed with arrogance and Tyler was not conceited by any means. He was just sure of himself and there was nothing wrong with that.

  Plus Tyler has a take charge kind of attitude without being bossy or rude and I loved that too. It excited me to no end. I know I was wondering if having sex with him so quickly was the right idea or not, but at the moment I’d have gone back to my room and rocked his world all night long if he wanted to. That’s just how turned on he had me. It’s funny that sexual attraction thing. You’re either feeling someone in that way or you’re not, there’s no two ways about it.

  Chapter 7

  At the restaurant, we sat across from each other in the booth, stealing sneaky glances at each other and smiling those school kid smiles. I couldn’t believe how Tyler was making me feel. It’s like I’ve known him my whole life, and have been waiting for him to notice me. I’ve seen him plenty of times over the years because he and Jay are boys but I was so caught up in Damien that I barely blinked twice at Tyler. It’s funny how love, or the lack of it, can make you blind to your own surroundings. All that time I spent worrying, waiting, and wishing that Damien would just do right by me and be the man I wanted him to be, I forgot to make sure I was happy in the process.

  At the restaurant, we enjoyed general conversation and each other.

  “Yo, Eva you got a crazy sense of humor. I like that!” Tyler said as he laughed at one of my corny jokes.

  I get like that sometimes, especially when I’m nervous. I just act silly and see if I can pull it off.

  “I’m just saying have you ever looked at a girl and wondered why her homegirls didn’t tell her that dress is five sizes too small before they left the house for the club? I’m telling you if Ayanna or Ciara ever let me go out like that we are done.”

  “But you would never have to worry about that because y’all stay fly,” he said smiling at me.

  “Yeah, we do, don’t we?” I said smiling back.

  “So let me ask you a real question, Eva. How come you never gave me any hint or clue that you might be interested?” Tyler asked out of the blue.

  I sat there for a minute, trying to decide what the right response should be. I decided the truth was the best.

  “Because I was so caught up in Damien that he was all I could see.”

  I said that almost as a whisper and didn’t realize it until I saw the look in Tyler’s eyes.

  “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.

  “I was just thinking what a fool that clown is for mistreating you,” he said. “Are you going to be okay with all that? I mean for real? If nothing else, I can be here to just listen to you if that’s what you need.”

  Silence for a moment. I didn’t know what to say. I just shrugged my shoulders as a semi-response to his question. Tyler wasn’t letting me off the hook that easily though.

  “Eva, that’s not an answer. I said, are you going to be okay?”

  “Yes, I’m already okay,” I sighed. “He doesn’t run my life, and he won’t keep me down either. Yeah, what he did was jacked up beyond belief, but if I told you half f some of the things I’ve been through with him this little incident is minor in comparison.”

  “Eva, how could it get any worse than catching your man in bed with another woman?” Tyler asked.

  After contemplating for a few seconds, I decided to let Tyler in on something I hadn’t even told Ciara or Ayanna.

  It was Valentine’s Day. Damien and I were going through a rough patch so we really hadn’t planned on being together at all that day. I got him a gift anyway. I wanted him to have it, so I asked him to come over so I could give it to him.

  I’d been foolish enough to buy Damien a pair of shoes. If I’d been superstitious, which I am not, I’d never have bought him shoes because of the old southern saying that if you buy someone shoes they’ll walk out of your life or the other one, if you buy someone a watch that means time will run out on the relationship. None of it makes any sense to me and besides, if he’s going to walk out he’s going to walk out and it’s not going to make a bit of difference if I never bought him so much as a pair of slippers or if I bought him every Jordan in the mall.

  Anyway, Damien came over that night and waited in the living room while I went to get his gift bag. The first thing that should’ve set off the alarm bells in my head was the way he was dressed. Damien usually came to my house in baggy sweats or jeans and a white t-shirt, but this time he had on jeans and a nice red plaid button down. He even smelled good.

  Even though he was dressed better than usual, I still disregarded it and gave him his gift. I can’t even remember if he gave me anything or not so that probably meant he didn’t. We talked for a hot minute, and then he left. I called Ayanna to see if she wanted to do something since she was single at the time. We decided to go to a few stores that stayed open late and do a little shopping to sooth our lonely hearts.

  I didn’t start to wonder what Damien was doing until I got back home at around eleven that night. I took a chance and called his phone, fully expecting him to answer, except he didn’t.

  I thought he might have been sleeping, so I called him again. And again. And then again. Damien just was not answering his cell phone. He was living with his cousin Josh at the time, and Josh had a girlfriend so I didn’t really want to call the house for fear of disturbing the two of them if they were there. I kept trying Damien’s cell.

  I left a few messages and then I had a flashback to earlier that night. I thought about his clothes, the cologne, and the cool way he acted towards me. We weren’t on the best of terms, but as far as I was concerned, it was still supposed to be just me and him even if we were on the outs at the moment. Why did I think that? Because my man said it, that’s why and I believed him.

  As the minutes became hours and I still wasn’t getting an answer, I decided to do the next best thing. I got in my car and drove to Damien’s apartment. He lived on the opposite side of town from me. As I rounded the corner of the parking lot to his side of the complex, my heart immediately sank. Damien’s car was nowhere to be found. Josh didn’t have a car so I couldn’t be sure if he was at home either. I must’ve called Damien’s phone a thousand times and it just rang and rang and rang. I left one sorry voice mail message after another.

  “Hey baby, I just need to talk, okay?”

  “Hey, answer the phone.”

  “Damien, answer the phone please.”

  By now, I’m wondering what the hell is really going on so I decided that I would park in a different section of the parking lot with a clear view to his front door and wait. I was thinking this negro gotta come home sooner or later. So I listened to the radio and I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

  The minutes turned into hours and still no word from Damien. The DJs switching shifts on the radio made me realize that I’d been sitting in my car for way to long but something just would not let me leave. Then my cell phone started to die. I watched the little battery bars shrink from full strength to three b
ars, then two. When I got down to one bar I decided that I would stay out there in my car in the cold until my cell phone completely died.

  Just when I was about to take my sorry ass home, my phone rang. I answered before it could complete the first full ring.

  “Hey baby, what are you doing?” I asked sweetly.

  “Umm, I’m in the bed sleep, Eva. What are you doing up?” Damien asked in what must’ve been the sleepiest voice he could manage.

  “I’m up thinking about you. I been calling you all night, you didn’t get any of my calls?”

  “I just got them. I had a headache so I laid down. I guess I just passed out. You need to go to bed, Eva.”

  “No, wait! Listen, why don’t you come on over?”

  I was panicking. I’d waited on him for hours and I was not about to let him get off the phone before I found out what was going on.

  “No, Eva, I’m tired. I just told you I have a headache,” was Damien’s response.

  “Please baby, I really need to see you,” I said.

  He sighed heavily. “Eva, I’m going back to sleep.”

  “Hey, I’m outside. Why don’t you just come outside and talk to me for a few minutes,” I bargained. There, I’d done it. I’d thrown the bait that he was either going to bite or choke on. At this point, I was starting not to give a damn.

  “What?” His voice was slowly losing all traces of false sleep.

  “I said I’m outside baby. I just want to talk to you for a minute. I’ll come in if you want me to, or I’ll leave. I’m just lonely tonight and I miss you something awful,” I whined which was out of character for me.

  “Eva, go home. I’m asleep,” he repeated.

  “No, you come outside or I’ll just come on in,” I demanded.

  “You’re not outside.”

  “Are you coming outside or not?”

  “Eva…”

  “Where are you Damien?” I yelled, cutting him off.

  “I’m at home in the bed, where are you?” he asked stupidly.

  “You’re a damn lie! Where is your car, Damien?” I fired back.

  “I let Josh use it. He went out with Tinisha,” he answered without missing a beat. One thing I could say for the guy, he was good. But he wasn’t dealing with your average chick that night.

  “Look, if you’re in the house then come outside right now. Just for a minute,” I said one last time.

  “Eva, I’m going back to bed. You need to go home.”

  “Oh, okay then. If you’re home, where’s your car Damien?” I asked again.

  “I let Josh use it. He wanted to take Tinisha out,” he said again.

  “Oh really? Well then, how about I just knock on the door then? Since you’re in there, you need to open it,” I said as I jumped out of my car.

  The heels of my stiletto boots click-clacked against the asphalt as I strutted to the front door, holding the cell phone to my ear the entire time. Damien was in my ear repeating the same bullshit.

  “Go home, Eva. What are you doing, Eva?”

  Whatever. I rang the doorbell. And then I knocked on the door. Hard. After a few minutes, the blinds on the door moved and then the door opened slowly.

  A very sleepy Josh was standing there looking at me like I was the landlord coming to collect the late rent.

  “Hey, Eva, what’s going on?” he asked me while rubbing his eyes.

  “I’m sorry to wake you Josh, but is Damien here?” I asked, still speaking directly into the phone so Damien could hear everything.

  “No, he’s not here,” Josh shook his head, his expression unreadable.

  I had no words. That moment put new meaning to the words speechless and dumbfounded. I just stood there staring first at Josh and then the floor, still holding that damn cell phone up to my ear and hearing nothing but dead air on the other end. My lips moved, but nothing would come out for a second.

  “Can I come in?” I asked Josh weakly.

  “Yeah, yeah sure, come on,” he said as he stood back to let me walk by.

  I sat down slowly at the kitchen table and just stared at the floor. Then I asked Damien, “Now where are you?”

  He didn’t answer me.

  “Did you hear me Damien? I said, where the hell are you?” I asked this time almost yelling. Josh looked at me like the pathetic naïve girl I was.

  “Eva,” was Damien’s one word response.

  “Are you with her? You are, aren’t you?” I asked. I was talking about Shareé his supposed to be best friend from college. Damien didn’t answer me.

  “Answer me, damn it!” I yelled.

  “Yeah,” was his one word answer.

  I hadn’t wanted to cry, not in front of Josh and definitely not where Damien could hear me, but I couldn’t help it. My heart dropped to the floor. It hurt like someone stabbed me in the chest. I felt a pain in my chest unlike anything I had ever felt before. I’d heard people say that their heart hurts, but I never knew they meant literally. Now I know.

  “Why?” I asked him, the word barely a whisper.

  “Eva, it’s not even like that.”

  “Then what the hell is it like, Damien? Five minutes ago, you were swearing to me that you were at home in the bed. Well, guess what? I’m in the house where you should be, in the middle of your kitchen, and the only person I see here is Josh so now what you got to say?”

  “I came over here for a second and fell asleep on the couch,” was Damien’s lame ass response.

  “What? Who do you think you’re foolin, Damien? You’re over there laid up with Shareé! And on Valentine’s Day at that, with the shoes that I bought you!”

  Fuck being nice and polite I was pissed at this point.

  “Do you want me to bring the shoes back to you?”

  “And how are you going to get here since Josh has your car? By the way, Josh, where’s Tinisha?”

  Josh just shook his head. He and Tinisha had broken up over a month before.

  “I’ll drive her car,” Damien said.

  “No, you might not want to do that, not with the way I’m feeling,” I said.

  I was stupid though because I should’ve made his dumb ass leave her and come home, regardless of whose car he’d be driving. But at the time, none of that mattered.

  “How could you do this Damien? Why would you do this?” The tears were flowing rapidly and freely now and I didn’t care how it looked to Josh anymore.

  “Eva, what do you want me to do?” he asked.

  No emotion, no ‘I’m sorry baby’...nothing.

  I just hung up on him. He didn’t even bother to call me back. I cried and cried. I bent over in my chair and hugged myself while I cried to the floor.

  Josh watched me. When I looked up at him it wasn’t a look of pity, I saw, it was a look of grief. I knew he felt my pain. He sat down across from me and held his hand out for mine. I cried even harder. I kept hoping I’d hear a car outside or that Damien would walk through the door at any moment. He never did.

  Josh spoke softly to me. “Eva, you know you don’t have to take this shit, don’t you? He is not worth it.”

  “I know,” I cried. “I just want to know why? Why did he do this, Josh? How much more of this can I take? I knew about him and Shareé. He told me they were just friends and I believed him because that’s what you do when you trust your man.”

  Josh sighed. “I know Eva but damn how long are you going to put up with this? If you tired of it babygirl the only person that can put an end to it is you.”

  I couldn’t even hold my head up. I just cried. I nodded and I cried.

  “How long have you been outside, Eva?” he asked.

  “Five hours,” was my pathetic answer.

  In the cold?” Josh exclaimed. I just shook my head yes. And then I coughed.

  “And you’re sick too?” he asked.

  “I just got a little cold. It’s no big deal.” I saw sympathy in his eyes.

  “Eva, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. Plus you go
t your kids to think about. Where are they anyway?”

  “They’re with Ciara,” I answered.

  She and Jay had decided to do something romantic at home and agreed to watch my kids while Ayanna and I did some impulse shopping to make ourselves feel good. What a joke that turned out to be.

  I realized that I couldn’t just sit there all night. It wasn’t like Damien had shown up or at least called to say he was on his way there or anything. I apologized to Josh for waking him up, and I made my way back to my car.

  My vision was blurry as I drove home. Tears filled my eyes and fell like tiny raindrops on my face. It’s a blessing I made it home without hurting anyone or myself. I dropped down on my bed, shoes and all, and just cried. The birds were beginning to chirp, and the sun was starting to rise by the time I got home. I cried a million tears into my pillow. My cell phone never rang and neither did my doorbell. Damien stayed there loved up with his “friend” while I cried myself to sleep at sunrise.

  Tyler was silent for a long while when I finished my story. He squeezed my hand because he saw the tears threatening to fall. I fought them back because that moment didn’t deserve another drop of my soul. Neither did Damien.

  “Damn Eva. I never would’ve imagined that. I never would’ve done that either.”

  He said that with so much intensity that I just looked up at him.

  “All that’s in the past now, Tyler, I just have these vivid memories and flashbacks from time to time. For the most part, I’m over that part of my life. I wasted so much time. Damien did too. He wasted time on me when I obviously was never the one for him,” I said.

  “Yeah, well, it’s his loss. You are beautiful, and you definitely don’t deserve to be treated that way. You know what you need to do about those old flashbacks, don’t you?”

  “No. What?”

  “Take some new pictures.”

  That was a perfect response.

  “Now enough about that lame, you ready to roll up out of here or what?” Tyler asked and winked at me.