Watch Me Walk Away

by Jill Prand

  “No he doesn’t. There is no reason to tell him, he feels bad enough for what happened and I don’t want him resenting you. I want you to be part of our lives,” I explain.

  “Well don’t you think hiding something like who you lost your virginity to and when is a big deal?” I know he is trying to stir the pot and it is starting to piss me off.

  “Brad, stop it. If you can’t handle this then you need to tell me now. I love you as my brother but I will not screw this up with Bobby for you.” I look at him with tears in my eyes. “Please don’t make me choose.”

  He stops the car about two blocks away from the house. “I am not the one who is going to make you choose. I will be with you as long as you want me but I don’t have to like it.”

  “Please just don’t make any trouble, I don’t know if I would be able to forgive you if you came between me and Bobby,” I hope he can hear the sincerity in my voice. He continues to drive back and I can see he is still upset. He slams his shake into the cup holder and he is about to take the steering wheel off he is gripping it so tight.

  We pull up to the house and Bobby isn’t here yet. I get out of the car and throw out the rest of my cone. I’m not really hungry. Now my stomach is in knots. Brad doesn’t get out he is just sitting there staring straight ahead. I know that I’ve hurt him and it’s the last thing I wanted to do. I walk around to the driver’s side and open his door. “Please come in.” I hold out my hand to him. He takes my hand and gets out, after he closes the door he leans against it and sighs.

  I step up to him and hug him, he has always been my rock and it’s killing me that he’s in pain. His arms go around me and he holds me like he’ll never see me again. “I don’t want to lose you, Lisa, but it’s so hard knowing you’re with him. I do want you to be happy I just wish it was with me.”

  And there it is. He has been wanting me for far too long, I need to find a way to get him to move on without damaging our friendship. I will have to talk to Jodi tomorrow and see if she has any suggestions. Of course she has been telling me forever that I just need to make a clean break and let him get over me but that didn’t work when I moved away. We are right back where we started.

  I pull away and look up at him. “We need to get John’s ice cream into him before it is just a puddle.” I give him a shy smile and start to back away. He grabs my hand and follows me to the door. Just as we get to the porch I hear a car pull up. I turn and it is Bobby.

  Suddenly all thoughts of protecting Brad are out the window. I hand Brad the bag with John’s ice cream and bolt to the car, Bobby grabs and kisses me as soon as he is out. I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on since my knees will not support me anymore. I totally forget that we have an audience and start to run my hands down his chest as I moan into his mouth. His hands cup my ass and pull me against him so I can feel how hard he is for me. We finally break apart when Arthur opens his door to get Bobby’s bag but we can’t stop touching. I stick my hand in his back pocket and squeeze his ass, “I’m glad you’re here, babe.”

  He takes his bag from Arthur and we start up the walk. “Looks like you and Brad were having a good time.”

  “He took me out for Carvel but I couldn’t finish it.” I lean into him.

  “You would think you had a big lunch or something.” He laughs.

  “Well my lunch was quite large but I am hoping my second dessert will be even larger.” I lean into him as I open the door.

  We walk thru the door and can hear Jodi and Brad in a heated discussion. Bobby stops and holds me back listening to the conversation. Brad yells, “How can you condone this, Jodi? You know she’s going to end up broken and bleeding again!”

  Jodi answers in a calm voice, “You don’t know that, Brad. He is treating her like a princess and have you seen how happy she is? I know you love her but I think it’s time you face facts. She loves him.”

  Brad’s voice is softer now but the emotion has switched to pain, “She was mine first. Then he came along and she fell for him, he throws her away and she comes to me. We have one night together that was magical and she treats it like it never happened. How does losing your virginity together just get forgotten?”

  I feel Bobby tense behind me, I turn around and his eyes are wide. I start to say his name but he holds up his hand and walks back out the door. He walks over to the car and drops his bag. “Were you ever going to tell me?” his voice is flat.

  I cross my arms over my chest. “I don’t know,” I admit, “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “And you thought keeping it a secret wouldn’t hurt me? Why is it such a big deal if it meant nothing to you?” his voice is making me cold like he is distancing himself from me.

  “It’s not about what but the when and the why.” I take a deep breath because I know this is going to hurt both of us. “It happened on New Year’s Eve after I went back to the party. I did it to show you that my virginity meant nothing to me.” My eyes are closed. I can’t stand to see his reaction, to see the hurt I’ve just caused.

  I hear his sharp inhale and the sound of his body slamming into the car. I open up my tear filled eyes and he is slumped over leaning on the car looking like someone just hit him in the stomach. I don’t know what to do. I want to go to him, take him in my arms and tell him it’s okay. That I would go through it all again to get to where we are now. That the past is just that and the future is what counts but I don’t think he’ll hear me and I’m scared. Scared that by not telling him sooner I’ve made it so much worse.

  His hands are on his knees and his breathing is labored like he is in pain. I take a step towards him and he holds out his hand to stop me. It takes him a few deep breaths but he finally raises his head and looks at me. This is not the strong, fun-loving man who kissed me just minutes ago. This man is broken, the light has gone out of his eyes, “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I really am no good for you.” He stands up and crosses his arms. “I should just leave you alone.”

  He starts to turn and reach for the door. He’s leaving again! I run and grab his arm. “You can’t leave me! You said no more leaving, no more lying!” Tears are streaming down my face.

  “I’m not the one who lied this time.” He rips his arm out of my grasp. His voice is emotionless now, “I am not going to be the cause of wrecking your life again.”

  I look at his face and I see no emotion at all. He’s like a stone. “Too late for that, Bobby,” I tell him. There is a huge hole in me and it is getting bigger by the moment. I feel like my life is seeping out of me onto the ground. “Do you honestly think being without each other is what either of us needs?” I sink down to the ground. My legs will no longer support me. I wrap my arms around my legs and start rocking. He cannot do this to me again. He loves me, I know he does.

  I hear someone running behind me. “What the fuck did you do to her?” Brad yells. He scoops me up off the ground and I cling to him.

  “Take care of her,” Bobby says, “Baby, I just need some time.” I whimper when I hear the car door open and I know he is leaving. Brad starts walking away towards the house, I want to jump out of his arms and throw myself at the car but what’s the use? He needs time he said. Can I dare to hope that means he’ll be back?

  Jodi rushes up when Brad carries me in. “What the hell happened?”

  “I don’t know. She was on the ground crying and he was just standing there watching her.” He puts me down on the couch. “He told me to take care of her and said he needed time.”

  Jodi comes over and hugs me. “Lisa, can you tell us?” her voice is very soft and I just lean into her.

  I take a few ragged breaths trying to calm down enough to talk. “We walked in when you guys were fighting. He heard Brad say we lost our virginity together. Then he pulled me outside and asked why I hadn’t told him.” The tears are still running down my face. “I told him when it happened and it was like he died inside. He was suddenly so cold. He said he was no good for me and I was better off without him.” I brea
k down again in sobs that wrack my body.

  Jodi pulls me close and strokes my hair. “He said he needs time right?” I nod, “Well maybe when he gets a little distance he will see that it doesn’t matter what happened six years ago.”

  Brad kneels down in front of me, “I’m sorry, Lisa. I didn’t know you were there or I wouldn’t have said it. I knew you hadn’t told him yet.”

  I’m sniffling. “It’s not your fault, Brad. I should have told him.” I turn to Jodi, “I think I just want to go lay down.” I get up and walk to my room. I throw myself onto my bed and grab a pillow to hug close. How did everything go so wrong in such a short amount of time? How can he just leave like that and say he needs time. Time for what? To figure out that we belong together? I thought we already established that. Is this what he’s going to do every time we have a fight? Maybe everyone is right and he is just in my life to cause me pain.

  Jodi comes in and climbs in bed with me holding me as I cry. I don’t know how long it takes but eventually I sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Getting up in the morning is hard, my eyes are swollen and I feel like I’ve been run over. My whole body aches and my head is pounding. If I didn’t have a meeting this morning I would just stay in bed. Luckily I can leave a little later than usual since I will be going straight to Daly’s office. I cringe at the thought of seeing Stuart because I know he will ask about Bobby and I don’t know if I can handle that. I’ve resolved nothing. I still don’t understand what happened. If he had been angry and yelled or even hurt and crying I could understand. But to just turn to stone and say that maybe he wasn’t the right one for me? Who does that?

  I get myself up and into the shower letting the hot water soothe my body. I am going to need some major make-up to look decent today. I hope John has the coffee started because I need gallons of it. I try to focus my mind on the meeting but my thoughts keep coming back to Bobby. Did he go home last night and think of me? Am I going to hear from him? Should I call him and try to explain? Do I tell him about this big hole in my heart? He told me that I hold his, if that is true then he won’t be able to stay away, right?

  I have to stop this and concentrate on my job. After the meeting I can breakdown later, come straight home and crawl back into bed but I have to get through this first. Finally I’m out of the shower and the mirror is all fogged up. Good thing, I really don’t want to look at myself, there are bags under my eyes, just how I want to present myself, haggard looking. I go start getting dressed.

  I can’t avoid the mirror in my walk in closet. I stare at the necklace still around my neck, the symbol of his commitment. If he is so committed where is he? I just want to scream and yell at him. Why not stay and work it out? Why take the easy way and leave? I want to rip it off my neck but I don’t because I am still committed to him. I can’t turn off the love. I just want him to talk to me, to work this out, to love me. Okay deep breath. Keep it together at least for the next few hours. I pick out a black pants suit with black pumps and a pale blue shirt. The shirt will show off the necklace.

  I get dressed and do my make-up, grab my laptop and walk out to the kitchen. There is coffee in the pot but no John. He must have left already as I am running late. I’m disappointed I would’ve loved to talk to him about Bobby. He may have some insights for me but I know he won’t talk around anyone else, even Jodi. I pour coffee in a to-go mug I am going to drive in today. I don’t want to sit on the train and I want to be able to leave whenever I want. I need to find an apartment soon. I really hate this commute, and I’ve been spoiled the last week with Bobby. How does that happen so fast?

  There is a knock on the door and I wonder who could be here now. I open the door to Arthur, “Good morning, Lisa. Bobby sent me to take you into the city,” he says.

  WTF! Are you kidding me I just look at him like he’s got two heads. Wait could he be waiting in the car? “Is he here?” I start out the door.

  “No, he left for Germany early this morning.” He moves to get out of my way.

  I stop mid-step, Germany? He didn’t say anything about leaving for Europe yesterday. “Germany? When did this happen? He didn’t say anything to me.” I grab his arm.

  “He got the call yesterday night before we got here. They wanted him to fly out immediately but he wanted to see you before he left. He wasn’t sure when he would be getting back.” He reaches to take my bag. “The team is meeting him tonight and they will go from there.” He opens the door for me.

  “Go where? The team as in all the guys that were at the table Saturday?” This is not good. From the way they were talking on Saturday the team does dangerous jobs. “What kind of job is it, Arthur?”

  “I can’t tell you.” He closes the door and walks around to slide behind the wheel effectively ending the discussion. He has to tell me. I need to know if Bobby is okay. The privacy glass is up. I search for the button to lower the barrier and I can feel the tears falling, what if he doesn’t make it back? I hurt him last night and now he’s out there somewhere in danger and I’m here. I need to know if he is safe. I finally find the stupid button and lower the glass.

  “Arthur, will you please tell me when he is safe?” I plead. I get on my knees right behind his seat and look at him in the rearview mirror. “I need to know he is okay.” I know Arthur saw and probably heard the whole exchange last night and I can only hope that he realizes that I do love Bobby. That last night was not the end, God it can’t be the end.

  He glances at me in the mirror, “I will let you know as soon as I hear from them. The mission won’t start today. They will have to plan it out first so he’s okay now.”

  He’s okay for now. I breathe and close my eyes. I just have to believe he will come back to me that we will be together again. I crawl back to the seat and stare out the window at the traffic. When he was in the Army before, I didn’t worry about him. I never thought anything would happen to him and I was just so mad at him. Now that I’ve seen his scars how he almost died, I know I won’t sleep until I know he’s okay. I play with the sapphire at my neck, the one he put on me only yesterday. We were so happy yesterday morning on the drive in just the two of us holding hands and singing along to the radio.

  A horn beeps next to me and draws me out of the memory. I have to get myself together. I need to function at this meeting. I take out the mirror from my purse. Damn, my make-up is running down my face. I pull out a tissue and try to wipe it off. I can’t go in looking like this. I thought I looked like shit earlier, now my eyes are red and puffy again but this time I can add the black streaks of mascara to the fray. We are just entering the tunnel and I look at my watch, nine o’five. I have fifty-five minutes until the meeting. I could go to the office first but I can’t go there looking like this either. Shit I need a sink and a towel. Where can I stop?

  I see Arthur glance back at me. “I have a key to Mr. Harber’s apartment if you would like to stop there first. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

  “Thanks, Arthur, that would be great,” I tell him. Hopefully he can get us cross town and then to the meeting quickly. I will only have a few minutes to get myself together. I look at my notes on my laptop to try and get into the right state of mind. I have to nail this meeting. By the time I read through them, we are pulling into the Dakota’s garage. I turn off the laptop and grab my purse as Arthur opens my door right in front of the elevators.

  He hands me the key. “I will wait down here for you.”

  “Thank you, Arthur. Bobby is lucky to have you,” I tell him as I enter the elevator. As the doors close I look at myself in the doors mirrors, there are black stains on my shirt from the mascara runs. Shit what am I going to do now? I don’t have time to stop at a store for a new shirt. Thankfully the elevator is quick. I run the few steps to the door and unlock the door. I step in and the memories of this weekend assault me. I close my eyes and sigh I don’t have time now to lose it. I slip out of my pumps and run to Bobby’s bathroom. I scrub my face with cold water to try
and bring the swelling around my eyes down. I reapply eyeliner, blush and lip gloss. Well it’s not great but it is better than a few minutes ago. I look at my shirt. I guess I’m going to have to find something of Bobby’s to wear. Walking into the bedroom, I take off my jacket and shirt and throw them on the bed. I sprint into the closet and look for something that will work. A white t-shirt, that will do, I will just have to keep my jacket buttoned so no one will see how big the shirt is. I tuck it into my pants, it makes my waist look huge but I really don’t have a choice. I grab my jacket and purse from the bed and run to the front door. Putting my shoes back on as I find the keys in my pocket to lock the door I look down at my watch, nine thirty-five. I think I’m going to make it. As I lock the door the thought that this could be the last time I’m here hits me. I lean against the door for a few seconds and say a silent prayer that I will be back here again then I turn away and push the button for the elevator.

  We make it to the office with five minutes to spare. Arthur really knows how to get around the city in record time. As he opens my door he says, “I will be waiting right here for you. Don’t worry about how long it takes. All the cops around here know me and they won’t bother me.”

  I nod my head in acknowledgement. Time to put on my game face and get ready to bowl over Simon Daly. As I walk in the building I stop, Stuart is waiting for me. Damn! I forgot all about him with everything going on. He is scowling at me. I don’t want his shit right now. I walk up to him. “You didn’t have to meet me, Stuart. I can find Daly’s office on my own.”

  He takes my elbow. “I want to talk to you and this is the only time I’m going to get.” He leads me to the elevators and pushes the up button. “I see you have use of his car,” his voice is tense. “I guess I was right when I said you wanted to trade up.”

  I pull my arm away from him as the elevator doors open. “Not that it is any of your business Stuart but Bobby and I realized that we still have feelings for one another. But it has nothing to do with us. I realized after we slept together that you and I weren’t compatible. I should have told you sooner but I didn’t want to ruin your night at the fundraiser. That didn’t work out the way I hoped and I am sorry about that. I was planning to spend the event with you before I broke up with you. I did not want to embarrass you but then you started acting like an asshole and I couldn’t take it anymore.”