I know I have to find a way to pick myself up and move on, but right now that seems impossible. Time heals all wounds, right? Then why do I feel like my pain only intensifies with each second that passes? The hole in my chest continues to grow with each passing day and I’m starting to feel like I’ve dug myself so deep that I have no way to claw my way back out.
I’m staring at the ceiling trying to find the will to get out of bed and take a much needed shower when my phone springs to life on the bedside table.
Swinging my arm to the side I’m able to reach it without really moving. I hold the device in front of my face but it takes several seconds for my vision to clear enough to read the name flashing across the screen.
Colton.
My heart rate picks up speed, clamoring in my chest with so much force I feel it kicking against my palm that’s stretched over top of it.
“Don’t answer it,” I say out loud, continuing to stare at Colton’s name while the device vibrates in my hand over and over.
I know I shouldn’t. I know there isn’t anything he could say to make this better, yet I can’t stop myself from swiping my thumb across the screen and pressing the phone to my ear.
“Hello,” I manage to get out sounding only half human.
“Hey,” he says, followed by a long pause. “It’s Colton,” he adds when I don’t respond.
“I know.”
“Look, I’m sorry to call you but I don’t know what else to do. I need to know what the hell happened between you and Hudson.”
Just the mention of his name causes tears to sting the back of my eyes.
“Why don’t you ask him?” I bite, immediately regretting how curt I sound.
“That’s the thing. He won’t talk to me. He won’t talk to anyone. He locks himself in the back room of the bus after every show and refuses to see anyone.”
“Maybe you should ask Annabelle.” I cringe at the name. “They seem awfully close. I’m sure she knows what’s going on.”
“So it does have to do with her.” He says it like I’ve confirmed something he’s been trying to piece together.
“You could say that.” The bitterness in my voice is clear as day.
“Lennon, please. I need you to tell me what happened so I know what the hell I’m dealing with. Last time we spoke you were coming to surprise him. Then I hear from the guys you two had a fight in the parking lot, you stormed off, and Hudson has barely spoken two words to anyone since. I’m at a loss here.”
“I honestly don’t know what I can tell you that’s going to make any difference here, but since I consider you a friend I will give you this much.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly before continuing, “I showed up at the bus Saturday morning and Hudson wasn’t there. Apparently he had stayed the night in Annabelle’s hotel room.”
“Wait, what?” Colton questions like he couldn’t be more shocked to hear this.
“He claims nothing happened. I have a hard time believing him. She’s been trying to dig her claws into him for months. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t live my life feeling physically ill with worry. She wants him that bad, then she can have him.”
“What the fuck?” Colton mutters under his breath.
“What the fuck is right.”
“I don’t know what happened, Lennon, or why he would ever stay with Annabelle, but I can tell you right now there’s no way he cheated on you.”
“Well, that makes one of us.”
“I know Hudson. I’ve known him my entire life. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s not that guy. I swear to you, Lennon.”
“And if he turns out to be that guy?” I counter.
“Then I guess it turns out I don’t know him at all.” He lets out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t believe that’s true. I know Hudson probably better than I know myself. I’ve known him my entire life, Lennon. Not once have I ever seen him look at another person the way he looks at you. I can’t believe he would throw that away on someone like Anna.”
“Well apparently she was offering something he wanted.”
“You have no idea how much he loves you, do you? Jesus.”
“I’ll tell you the same thing I told him. Love isn’t always enough.”
“You told me you were strong enough to handle this. I warned you this wouldn’t be easy, Lennon. You assured me you were in,” he says, reminding me of one of the first real conversations we had right when Hudson and I were getting serious.
“And I meant it at the time. But I didn’t sign up to be strung along or cheated on. I won’t stand by and accept it because he’s Hudson James. I don’t give a shit if he’s god himself. I deserve better.”
“Do you truly believe he cheated on you?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I want to say no. I want to say I know he would never do that. But I feel like I’m trying to convince myself of the easier truth to believe.”
“So you’re going to just call it quits? Just like that. Without any real proof.”
“Sometimes you have to make decisions based on the information you have. Hudson continued to hang out with Annabelle in their free time even though he knew it made me uncomfortable. Maybe it was unfair of me to expect him not to, but if the roles were reversed I would have done anything to ease his doubt and worry. He was more concerned with her feelings, with how lonely she was, and how he didn’t have it in him to not be there for her. That he completely neglected me and how I was feeling. Maybe this is my fault. Maybe I’m the crazy jealous one that couldn’t reel in my feelings. But at the end of the day I shouldn’t have to. I should always come first and let’s be honest, Colton, he never put me first.”
“Do you hear yourself right now? Everything that man does he does thinking of you. Every decision he’s made over the last few months has been for you as a couple and not just for him. He’s turned down performance opportunities to be with you. Blown off interviews and events to make time to see you.”
“I never asked him to do that.” I push up in bed, resting my back against the headboard.
“No, you didn’t. That’s my point. He’s been trying to make an impossible situation a little less impossible. You’re so caught up on Annabelle that you can’t see it for what it is. He has to play nice. He doesn’t have a choice. If people think he and Annabelle might be a thing, it gives them more hype. That’s just part of the business.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. If that was the case then Hudson and I would’ve been a secret but we weren’t. Hell, there are at least a handful of pictures of us together on the internet. People know he’s not with Annabelle.”
“Or do they? For all they know Annabelle swooped in and stole him. People see what they’re supposed to see. It’s all about building perceptions. At the end of the day the label doesn’t care who he’s with. When he’s making them enough money none of this shit will even matter, but right now he’s still gaining speed and they are going to set the narrative no matter how that affects him, you, or any of us.”
“Then why would he not tell me that?”
“I can’t speak for him, Lennon. But if I had to guess I would say he was trying to shield you from it as best he could.”
“Well, maybe if he hadn’t we wouldn’t be where we are now.” Regret and uncertainty coils tightly in my gut.
“I know I have no right to ask this, but because I feel like we’re friends I’m going to. Can you please just talk to him? Let him explain.”
“He already explained, Colton. I don’t care what the label expects or what façade he’s trying to put on. Nothing excuses him staying the night in her hotel room. Nothing. I don’t care if he didn’t touch her. In my mind that’s all I can see. I can’t erase the image of it no matter how hard I try. If I look at him it will only make it worse. If I talk to him I’m only further delaying the inevitable. There’s nothing left to say. I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorry as I am,” he mutters. “I hope you know what yo
u’re doing, Lennon.”
“So do I,” I reply right as the line goes dead.
—-
“Lennon,” Starr says as she taps on the bedroom door. “Can you come out here?”
“Give me a second,” I call back, slipping the towel from my wet hair.
It’s not much but at least today I got up, ate breakfast, and managed a shower, which is more than I’ve accomplished all week.
Something shifted when I woke up this morning. The pain is still there – the loss and grief – it all still hangs over me like a black cloud, but I think after a week of hiding out and letting myself mourn I’ve finally decided it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and find a way to move past this. No matter how impossible that may seem right now, I have to believe it is possible. Otherwise what the hell am I doing?
Running a quick brush through my hair, I slip on a pair of yoga pants and an old FSU shirt before making my way out of the bedroom. Murmured voices are coming from the kitchen. I follow the sound until I’m at the end of the hall, where I freeze when one voice in particular hits me like a bucket of ice water to the face.
“I appreciate you taking my call, Starr,” he says.
“I did it for her, not for you. Don’t make me regret it.” The protectiveness in her voice is clear and even in my disoriented state I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have a sister that’s not only an amazing woman but also fiercely loyal and protective of everyone she loves.
“I won’t.” The words die on his lips when he looks past Starr to see me at the mouth of the hallway.
Even though I have this intense need to run away, I stand rooted to the spot.
His brown eyes trace my face, reminding me of how even just a look can warm me from the inside out. He looks tired, perhaps even more so than I do. His facial hair has grown out a bit over the last week and is now spreading down his neck. His white t-shirt is wrinkled like he’s slept in it more than once and his favorite black baseball cap is pulled low on his forehead. I swear he’s still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.
“Don’t hesitate to yell for me if you need anything,” Starr says, passing me with a light squeeze to my shoulder.
“Okay,” I barely get out.
“Lennon, I...” Hudson starts the moment Starr is out of ear shot.
“Not here,” I cut him off, walking straight past him to the front door.
He follows me out on the front porch, taking a seat next to me when I slide down onto the top step. I don’t look at him, keeping my eyes locked on the large tree that sits in Starr’s front yard.
“I didn’t cheat on you,” he says after several long beats of silence. “Before this goes any further I just need you to know that. You can believe me or not, but I swear I would never do that to you.”
“Okay.” I choose to accept what he’s telling me whether I believe it or not. At the end of the day I’m not sure it really matters either way.
“I need you back, Lennon. I can’t do this without you. Any of it. You are the one thing that made all of this feel right and now...” He lets out a slow breath. “Now nothing feels right.”
“I know how you feel,” I admit. “But I can’t,” I say, finally finding the courage to meet his gaze, but not sure I have it in me to continue once I do.
How do you look at the man you love more than anything else in the entire world and tell him you don’t want to love him anymore?
“I can’t live like this, Hudson,” I push out, fighting back tears. “I thought I could. I thought I had it in me to be able to handle anything and everything life threw our way but I don’t. I’m not cut out for this life.”
“Is it because you don’t love me enough?” His question hits me like a knife to the chest.
“It’s because I love you too much. It’s because I refuse to let that love be tainted and twisted by jealousy and doubt until it’s not love I feel anymore.”
“What if I walked away from it all? The music, touring, everything. What if I left it all behind?”
“I could never let you do that. Music is a part of you. I could never ask you to give up a part of who you are for me.”
“But I will.” He angles his body toward me. “I will. None of it means anything without you.”
“I know it might feel like that now, but we both know that won’t be the case forever. You’d resent me eventually and then we’d be no better off than we are right now.” He reaches for my hand resting in my lap, and I don’t pull away as his fingers close down around mine. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and I truly believe that this is what’s best for us both. Our timing isn’t right and that’s no one’s fault. We knew it wouldn’t be easy and it hasn’t been. But I never dreamed it would be this hard either.”
“But you seemed happy. I thought I made you happy.”
“You do make me happy. And when I’m with you none of the other stuff matters. But when I’m not, which is most of the time, I’m not happy. I’m confused and worried, jealous and uncertain. I used to be so sure of everything. Of myself, my choices, my path. Now I feel like I don’t know anything. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I would give up anything to be with you, Hudson, but I won’t give up who I am. I won’t sacrifice the person I want to be. I can’t. Because if I do then I really have lost myself.”
“There’s nothing I can say to change your mind, is there?” His voice is filled with defeat and his gaze falls to where his hand is still wrapped around mine.
“No.” It comes out as barely a whisper and probably the hardest one word I’ve ever had to say.
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.
“I love you.” His voice is hoarse, emotion raw behind his eyes when he looks back up. “I love you enough to give you what you’re asking. I love you enough to walk away even though every single fucking thing inside of me is screaming to pull you into my arms and never let you go.”
Tears are streaming down my cheeks before he’s finished and once they start, I wonder if they’ll ever stop. It was one thing to storm off in anger, to let that fuel my decisions. I had that to hold on to the anger so I wasn’t forced to face a truth I have been refusing to see for months. Now it’s staring me in the face. The brutal reality that we simply live in two very different worlds and neither quite fits in the other.
In a different time and place we could have been brilliant. A blazing star that would have burned for an eternity. But this isn’t a different time. This is here and now and this is the reality we are faced with.
“I want you to keep the house,” he continues. “I bought it because you loved it. It wouldn’t feel right without you there.”
“I can’t do that.” I wipe at my cheeks with the back of my free hand. “Sell it, live there, do whatever you want with it, but it’s your house, not mine.”
“Lennon,” he starts to object.
“Being there is a reminder of the life I hoped we’d have. I can’t live my life looking backward.”
“Okay.” He looks down. “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.” His voice breaks and I damn near lose my resolve.
“Then don’t,” I say after a few calming breaths. “Let’s not look at it as goodbye. Who knows, we found each other a second time. Maybe the third time will be the charm.” Even though I feel like I’m dying on the inside, I force a smile through my tears.
“I’ll wait for that day forever.”
“Me too,” I admit, deep down believing that day will never come.
“I love you, Lennon Claire.” Hudson leans forward, brushing his lips against my forehead as he stands, releasing my hand as he does.
“I love you too.” Emotion is thick in my throat.
He shoves his hands deep in his pockets, his shoulders sagging forward as he makes his way down the stairs and out to the road where the Chevelle is parked.
Memories of driving that car flash through my mind. The windows down, the wind blowing through my hair, Hudson singing old
Johnny Cash tunes as we’d drive around with no real destination. Those are some of my fondest memories. Ones I will hold onto tighter than all the rest. When it was just me and Hudson and the outside world would fall away.
I blink rapidly, trying to clear my vision, wondering how this could possibly be right when it feels so very wrong.
Hudson walks around the car and pulls open the driver’s side door before glancing back in my direction for the briefest moment. I swear I see a tear slide down his cheek seconds before he slides into the front seat and fires the engine to life.
Moments later he’s pulling away and I’m left to face the decision I’ve made. I’m not sure yet if I made the right choice or a monumental mistake. I guess only time will tell.
Chapter Twenty-eight
“Hey Robert,” I answer, not sure why my best friend’s husband is calling me in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon.
“Emma’s in labor,” he rushes out, sounding frazzled and out of breath.
“Wait, what?” I hold my finger up to Bryan, the project manager standing in front of me, asking him to give me a moment. “She’s not due for another couple of months.”
“I know, but the baby is coming. Her water broke about an hour ago and the doctor said there isn’t anything he can do to slow it down. The baby is coming today whether we’re ready for it or not.”
“I’m on my way.” I grab my purse off the kitchen island, silently apologizing to Bryan before making a bee line to the front door. “What do you need? Is there anything I can do?” I ramble as I climb into my car.
“No, just help me keep Emma calm. Even though the doctor says everything looks good, she’s freaking out. While delivering this early isn’t ideal, he’s confident that the baby is far enough along to survive without complications.”
“Keeping Emma calm is my specialty,” I tell him, backing out of the driveway like a bat out of hell. “I’ll be there in fifteen.”
“Okay, see you then.”
I toss my cell onto the passenger seat of my car and take off down Rosewood Avenue going about twenty miles an hour over the speed limit.
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