Hell Hounds Are for Suckers

by Jessica McBrayer

  “Hey, Andrew.”

  “Hello, Ms. Hannah. What is that you’re carrying?” That, started growling. Then hiccupped a flame that narrowly missed Andrew.

  “As you can see, we need Julian’s help.”

  “Of course,” he said. Though he’d come late to it, at twenty-five, the art of butlering came naturally to him. “They’re in the library.”

  “Thanks, Andrew,” I yelled over my shoulder as I hustled down the halls with my flame-throwing, hiccupping, growling, half-stoned ball of black fur. We maneuvered our way around Helena’s renovation materials on our way to the library. Andrew scurried off, mumbling something about getting a fire extinguisher.

  “Hannah, it’s so good to see you,” Lily said when I walked in. She came over and hugged me and fur ball started licking her. She laughed. “Who is this?”

  I was relieved. Lily, Helena, Sebastian, Julian and Aidan were all in attendance. It made it easier, I’d only have to explain myself once.

  “I found him last night in the cemetery.” I started. “He followed me and I haven’t been able to ditch him yet.”

  “Hannah, shame on you,” Lily cooed. “He’s gorgeous. It’s just what you need.”

  “He certainly is,” Helena said, joining us.

  “He drools!” I grunted.

  Sebastian came over to pet him. That earned him a menacing growl from fur ball. I hadn’t heard that noise, bone-chillingly eerie. Sebastian immediately stepped back. “It looks like someone is jealous.” Helena laughed as she got a lick on the hand.

  “I’ve never heard him make a noise like that.” I apologized. “He is, however, exhibiting a few other irregularities I was hoping Julian could explain.”

  Aidan walked over and shaking his head.

  “Hannah, where did you get a hell hound and what have you done to him?”

  “A hell hound?” I squeaked, startled. “Damn.” I looked down at my charge and reassessed the past twenty-four hours.

  “Yes, a hell hound. What’s he gotten into?” Aidan asked. , watching him stagger like he’d been on a week-long binge. “Is he drugged?” Julian came up behind him to get a closer look.

  “Well, he growls in a really scary way, he won’t eat any dog food and flames come out when he barks.” I said. “I thought he needed to chill and maybe get his appetite going so I got a friend to get me a chocolate bar with some ganja in it for him. He ate that, but now he can’t walk straight and he keeps hiccupping flames.” By the time I finished my explanation everyone was laughing. I started getting pissed.

  “What’s so damn funny?” I asked.

  “Only you would feed a dog marijuana, Hannah,” Sebastian said.

  “Oh my, Hannah. Put him down and let’s see how he is doing now,” Julian said. Andrew waltzed in with the fire extinguisher.

  I put the puppy - no scratch that, hell hound – on the carpet and he swayed alarmingly to the right until he got his footing. He took a few steps and fell down on the blue and cream Persian rug. Content, he sat there and panted and drooled. Then he hiccupped and all hell broke loose.

  He lit a book on fire and Julian dove for it. Andrew set off the extinguisher with relish. The book and Julian were soon covered in white foam. The book was fine but Julian was less than happy.

  “Let’s move him to the kitchen where there is less to catch on fire while I change,” he said grimly. I had never seen Julian scowl. His books are his babies. I took my hell hound and ran for the kitchen while Aidan laughed in my wake.

  Everyone soon joined me. Aidan was making friends with the hell hound by summoning chew toys for him. At the moment they were playing a weak tug of war since fur ball was still under the influence. Julian entered the room in a better mood.

  “Hannah, what’s his name?” he asked me.

  “I’ve been calling him fur ball, but I need to find a name for him.”

  “Cerberus is the most famous of the hell hounds. He’s from Greek mythology,” Julian told me.

  “I think I like Hades. How do you like that, Hades?” He barked and shot a flame at me, which I dodged and it hit Sebastian. Sebastian swatted it out before Andrew could douse him in foam.

  “I guess he likes it too. But why won’t he eat? I’ve tried like five different puppy chows.”

  “Hell hounds will only eat raw meat, Hannah,” Aidan said and smiled as he played tug of war. I’d never pegged him as a dog person.

  “He’ll need a lot of it too,” Julian said. “And no more herbally enhanced anything. It’s bad for dogs and it’s bad for hell hounds – and no more chocolate, it’s very bad for dogs and hell hounds too.”

  “Yes, Julian.” I was sufficiently chastened.

  “What I don’t understand is how this little guy got here on his own? They are rare and valuable and never unclaimed. It’s very interesting,” Aidan said, by this time he was making googly eyes at Hades.

  “Hades is going to make an interesting pet for you, ma petite. Are you up for the care he requires?” Sebastian asked.

  “He’s hecka cool now that I know he’s a hell hound, but I’m still not sure. Although I can’t wait until he fits the collars with the spikes on them.” Aidan glanced up from their games and rolled his eyes. Lily sniggered.

  Andrew made us mulled wine and then went out to get Hades some fresh meat. That was so Andrew. Taking care of everyone and my dog. Hades would have something to eat when he was feeling better. We talked the rest of the afternoon and evening away until we were sure that Hades was finally off his high. Julian wouldn’t let him back into the library until then.

  Hades reluctantly let Sebastian play with him. But Sebastian was no competition with Hades’ desire for Lily’s attention. I wondered if I’d gotten me a girl-loving hell hound with a soft spot for djinns. Aidan patted Hades on the head every time he growled at Sebastian. No love lost between Sebastian and Aidan, even though they’d declared a truce when the warlock and witches had been out to get Lily. She and Hades seemed to have a special affinity towards each other. He followed her around everywhere when he wasn’t in my lap and she snuggled him, giving him kisses on his fur.

  When we deemed it safe for him to eat, Hades tore into his meat. He’d been a hungry boy.

  “I need to head back home,” I said.

  “Darn, I was hoping you and little Hades would stay the night,” Lily said while petting Hades’ belly.

  “Thanks anyway, Lil’ but I need to get home.” Not up for seeing the cozy couples. Not that I don’t love these guys but I didn’t want to be reminded of my single situation.

  “Why don’t I ride back with you, Hannah?” Aidan said. I looked at him in surprise.

  “I want to make sure you have everything you need for the little beastie.”

  “Okay, you know I like to hang with you.”

  Lily walked us out, giving Aidan and me kisses and hugs. I noticed Aidan whisper in her ear and lean into her hug. Shame on him! Djinn are always stirring up trouble. He slid into my car and we drove back to Berkeley. Hades had to ride in the back when Aidan claimed shotgun. Aidan was uncharacteristically quiet until I jabbed him in the ribs.

  “Hey, what was that for?” he yelped.

  “For wallowing in self-pity over Lily. You know you are. Don’t deny it.”

  “You’re right.” He gave me a half-hearted smile. Aidan and I were friends. I think I was the only uncomplicated friend he had.

  “What did you whisper to her?”

  “That I loved her.”

  “Oh, Aidan. I’m not even going to tell you how many ways that was wrong. You already know. What am I going to do with you? You have got to move on.”

  “I can’t, Hannah, and I won’t. I have eons to wait for her.” His eyes glowed for a second, bugging me out.

>   “Well, all righty then.”

  He laughed, easing the tension immediately.

  “What are we going to do about your new roommate? You know his owner is going to show up at some point,” Aidan said.

  “I don’t know why they would,” I said. “Apparently they didn’t want him enough to keep hold of him.”

  “Maybe so,” Aidan said. “But hell hounds are extremely rare. I guarentee he will be missed. Whoever lost this one will want him back.”

  “I was kinda hoping it just mysteriously appeared and never belonged to anyone,” I said looking at Aidan from the corner of my eye while taking the Ashby exit. He burst out laughing. “I think he’s grown since this afternoon.” I pointed out. “And what kind of creature could have spawned him? Maybe they realized how much drool he could drip and decided to bail.”

  “Now who’s being obtuse?”

  “Aw, come on, Aidan.” I whined and cajoled at the same time. Unexpectedly the thought of losing Hades made my heart twist.

  “Then we’ll figure something out, Han. I’ll help.”

  We pulled up to my house and into my garage. Hades started panting. I got nervous he would bark so we quickly let him out to explore in the house. First thing Aidan did was put in a doggie door to my house and another to the back yard with a flick of his wrist and a raise of his eyebrow. It is just so freaking cool to have a friend who can do that. Hades quickly discovered his private entrances and spent the next twenty minutes doing laps between the yard and then around my kitchen and dining room. While he was busy, Aidan filled my fridge full of fresh raw meat. It’s the first time there had been anything in it besides wine.

  When Hades quieted down, I fed him again. Aidan made all the bags of puppy chow vanish with a wave of his hand. (I’d suggested a donation to the shelter down the street)

  “Thanks, Aidan, for all the help and the doggie treats.” I now had a basket full of cow femurs and raw hides to last a year.

  “It’s my pleasure. I’ve always been partial to dogs.”

  “I knew it. You’re a sucker for him too. Will you be his godfather? I need someone to look out for him if anything happens to me,” I begged.

  “Hannah, of course, I would be honored. What are my duties?”

  “It would be cool if you could watch him while I feed once a week. I was going to take him with me, but now that I know he’s a hell hound I’m not so sure he wouldn’t be out stealing souls and whatnot.”

  “Quite.”

  “And if something should happen to me, I would want you to raise him. From what Julian said, they’re immortal like we are, so I would need someone that is fond of him to look after him.”

  “I would do that, Hannah. I’ve always wanted a dog and never attempted it because of their short life spans. Not to mention I thought they wouldn’t adapt to my transmanifesting. I’m sure that Hades would not have a problem with it. As for watching him once a week, I would love to,” Aidan said smiling. An expression I hadn’t seen much of since Lily chose to be with Sebastian, unbalancing their little love triangle. I knew it had been a close call for her and both Sebastian and Aidan did too. No love lost there and hope springs and all that. Aidan bent down and grabbed a tug toy and threw it. Hades chased it down. The two of them played while I got ready for bed.

  “I’ll leave you to get your beauty rest, Hannah. Don’t break any hearts tomorrow. I’ll be back to dog sit my godson so you can feed.” And with that he blinked out. I whistled for Hades and he followed me into the bedroom and up onto the bed. We fell asleep much the same way as we had the night before.

  CHAPTER 5

  I woke up to banging on my door and Hades whining under the bed. This fear was completely not like the behavior Hades had displayed over the past two days. I wasn’t sure I wanted to open the door, either. A vamp just raised isn’t a pretty sight. Stalling, I slipped on a charming robe decorated with roses interwoven through thorns. Checked my hair in the mirror, gathered my vampire mojo and traipsed to the front door. Hades kept tripping me up, winding himself around my feet. He had grown again. From a small fur ball to a dog big as an armchair. He was determined to stay at my feet still whining.

  “I can hear you in there, Ares, you little scoundrel. Let me in now!” A deep commanding voice bellowed at my front door. As if the door was an offensive object.

  I whipped open the door just as the man was in mid-knock. He looked surprised to see me. Then he saw Hades and growled. Yes, growled. Hades whimpered and drew closer to me.

  “What do you want and why are you growling at my dog?” I planted my feet and folded my arms. Attitude and early morning disturbances – err… afternoon - not agreeing with me.

  “I was not growling,” the man said. A very hot, built sexy man.

  “You were too,” I said raising my eyebrow. I had practiced for hours to do that, it was so epic. The moment made the exercise so worth it.

  “I just want to get my dog and go, Miss,” he said. He had a faint accent and deep green eyes. Mesmerizing actually. I lost track of what he said for a moment. Then shook my head.

  “What do you mean, your dog? Hades is mine.”

  “This dog’s name is Ares and he’s mine. Aren’t you, boy?” He got down on one knee and tried to make nice with Hades. Hades whimpered and then growled at him.

  “See, not your dog.” I took a step back preparing to close the door but he put his foot in the way. “Excuse me?” I said. I do not do early wakeups gracefully.

  “I haven’t got my dog yet,” he answered. The growl in his voice had been replaced with arrogant outrage. The way he kept saying dog, with an emphasis on dog made me think that he knew exactly what Hades was and that he might be his. But Hades didn’t want to go with him and I didn’t want to give him away, so we weren’t budging. Ugh! When did I start thinking of him as my dog? Probably when I found out he was a little lost hell hound. I have a soft spot for bad boys.

  “Listen, buddy. You’ve got the wrong dog and you’re messing with the wrong girl, so get the hell out of here.” I turned to walk away and slam the door but he grabbed my wrist. I tried to pull away with my considerable vampire strength but he was just as strong.

  “Look, girlie. I don’t care that you’re a vampire. I want my damn dog back now.”

  “So rude.” I kicked him in the nads and slammed the door in his face, making sure to lock it afterwards.

  Aidan popped in just as the man started wheezing and claiming he was going to kill me for kicking him and taking his dog.

  “What on earth is going on, Hannah?” Aidan said laughing.

  “I think that I found Hades’ owner,” I said pointing at the door. “He calls him Ares.” Hades whimpered. “And he knows I’m a vampire. I had to kick him in the family jewels to make him let go of me so I could get him out of my doorway and lock up.” Aidan instinctively made a protective motion towards his nether regions and grimaced. Apparently, a male manifestation developed the same protective gestures as the males of any species. In pretty short order, too. “I had no choice, Aidan.”

  “Why don’t I go out there and see what I can find out about him,” Aidan said. Which was a good idea because the man was pounding on my door again and by now my neighbors were going to be wondering what the hell was going on. He popped out.

  “I can understand why you ran away,” I whispered to Hades. The dog tilted his head at me.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I hissed. He whined.

  “You’re not reconsidering your allegiance?” Hades flopped down at my feet. Tongue lolling.

  CHAPTER 6

  I could hear Aidan talking to the man on the other side of my door. They kept their voices low so I couldn’t discern everything they said, but I heard enough. Special bat ears and all that. Hi
s name was Diel. He was a demon. Yikes. So Hades was his. Well, he wasn’t getting him back, even if he had raven hair that swept across his smoking eyes, bronze skin and was built like someone out of my most erotic dreams. As Lily says – Focus, Han.

  Aidan materialized next to me and I quickly wiped the drool from my lip and calmed my barely beating heart. Aidan looked curiously at the glazed expression on my face. Then started talking.

  “His name is Diel. He’s a demon and a Duke at that. He wants his hell hound back, Hannah, ” Aidan said as seriously as I’d heard him speak, except when he’s sparring with Sebastian and wishing him to the depths of hell. “Diel calls him Ares. I explained that you didn’t want to give Hades back and he said that was tough, he wasn’t yours to begin with.”

  “Well, why was Hades wandering around unattended in the first place?”

  “Because he’s a little beast that can’t seem to listen like he should,” came a muffled voice from the other side of the door.

  “You sure took your time in coming to get him,” I said, raising my voice slightly.

  “I had to track you down. Your kind messes with my skills. Can we talk about this inside? Your neighbors are watching me,” Diel said in a lower voice.

  I looked at Aidan and he nodded so I opened the door and let the demon in. He was tall. I repeat tall, like in having to almost have to stoop down to go through the doorway. Damn.

  “My name is Diel,” he said holding out his hand.

  “Hannah,” I answered shaking it. He was warm and his hand was surprisingly soft, yet he had a firm handshake. Not a wuss. I felt a little tingle go all the way through me as we shook hands. He smiled slightly, showing perfect white teeth.

  Hades wrapped around my feet and growled at him. Diel looked down and his eyes narrowed.