SKIPPER’S FAVORITE JOKES, PART 1
Q: What’s black and white and green all over?
A. A jealous penguin.
Q: What do you call a penguin that scored a goal?
A: A peng-win!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
Icy a snowball coming . . . duck!
Chapter One
Skipper is brave, bold, and spunky. That makes him a natural-born leader. Skipper is also a penguin, and that makes him cute!
Kowalski is the genius of the group. Few words come out of Rico’s mouth, but tons of stuff goes in. Years ago Skipper and his team lived on the frozen antarctic tundra. The penguins were a loyal team of three. But one day when an egg rolled by, things began to change.
“Did anyone see that?” Skipper shouted, pointing to the runaway egg. “Is anyone going to get it?”
“We lose a few eggs every year,” one penguin said. “It’s nature.”
Skipper didn’t accept that. It wasn’t in his nature to ignore a runaway egg with a baby penguin inside!
“I reject nature!” Skipper declared.
Skipper fearlessly belly-slid across the ice after the egg, but before he could grab it, the egg went over a cliff. It landed on the deck of an abandoned ship without a crack!
“The old ship!” Kowalski gulped. “No penguin’s ever returned from there alive!”
When a herd of giant leopard seals flopped onto the deck, Skipper could see why. They were after the egg!
Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico leaped onto the deck. Rico popped the egg in his mouth. Then the hungry seals went for the next thing on the menu: penguins!
“Get to high ground!” Kowalski cried.
After they all got into position on a harpoon gun, Skipper shouted, “Fire in the hole!”
Whoosh! The harpoon, the penguins, and the egg were fired into the air until—Whap!—they all landed on a drifting iceberg.
“Mission accomplished!” Skipper declared.
It was high-ones all around. But when Skipper high-oned the egg, it began to crack.
Skipper gulped. “My bad.”
The crack in the shell grew until the egg hatched, spewing goo all over Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico! Splat!
“Hello,” a baby penguin said, hopping out. “Are you my family?”
Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico traded worried looks. But the sight of the adorable little scamp warmed Skipper’s heart.
“You’ve got us, kid,” Skipper said. “And we’ve got each other. If that ain’t a family, I don’t know what is.”
Skipper saluted the chick, whom he named Private. His elite team now equaled four.
“Where are we going?” Private asked.
“The future!” Skipper declared. “The glorious future!”
SKIPPER’S FAVORITE JOKES, PART 2
Q: How does a penguin run?
A: Waddle you do if I don’t answer this joke?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow laughing matter how much Skipper loves his Cheezy Dibbles!
Q: What’s black and white and green all over?
A: A nauseous penguin.
Chapter Two
The next few years brought high-flying, glorious adventures for the four penguins. Before they knew it, an important birthday had arrived.
“Ten years ago on this very day a tiny egg hatched,” Skipper announced to his team one day as they soared across the sky on a glider. “And our world got a bit cuter!”
Private smiled.
“Tonight, Private, we celebrate your birthday,” Skipper said, “by breaking into the United States Gold Depository at Fort Knox!”
“What?” Private gasped.
The team approached the vault fortified with guard towers and a wall topped with razor wire. But that never stopped the penguins!
“There she is, boys!” Skipper sighed.
Their glider zoomed to the top of the wall. The penguins peered down at the vault. Skipper tossed a toy clock off the roof. With a clunk it landed between two guards.
“Fire in the hole!” Skipper whispered.
Pssht! Vapors of knockout gas spewed from the clock. For the guards it was nighty-night time. For the penguins it was time to roll!
“Private, come on!” Skipper called.
Private lagged behind. Something about busting into Fort Knox just didn’t seem right. But who was he to disobey orders?
The vault was protected with a passcode. With the help of Rico the penguins cracked the code and opened the door.
Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private stepped inside and were immediately blinded by the bright light of solid gold bricks!
“Private,” Skipper began, “if you could have anything in the world, what would it be?”
“To be a meaningful and valued member of this team,” Private replied.
“Oh, well, we got you something else,” Skipper replied.
Skipper led his team to the break room. Against one wall stood something far more precious than gold: a vending machine stocked with packages of—
“Cheezy Dibbles!” Private exclaimed.
“Happy ding-dong birthday, you little scamp,” Skipper boomed.
Private stuck a coin in the machine. The Cheezy Dibbles bag fell off the rack. But before it hit the tray—
Whoosh!
Out of the machine shot the slimy tentacle of an octopus! It wrapped around Private, then sucked him inside the machine. A few seconds later the arm grabbed Rico!
“The machine is alive!” Kowalski cried.
Kowalski and Skipper were sucked in next. The machine then rose on its tentacles and scurried out of the room. It made its way toward the ceiling and then—
SMASH! The machine crashed through the roof into the sky. A steel claw dropped, snatching the machine. The claw was attached to a helicopter that whisked off the machine and the penguins!
Skipper had heard of snack attacks, but this was bonkers! Where in the world were they going? Well, no matter where it was, at least they had Cheezy Dibbles to snack on.
SKIPPER’S FAVORITE JOKES, PART 3
Q: What’s Kowalski’s advice for not freezing your toes?
A: Don’t walk brrr-foot!
Q: What did the ice say to the comedian?
A: Stop cracking me up!
Q: What do penguins wear on their heads at a baseball game?
A: Ice caps.
Chapter Three
The mysterious chopper touched down on a dock in Venice, Italy, home of canals, romantic gondola rides, and, currently unknown to Skipper and his unit, one very bitter octopus.
The vending machine was lowered through the hatch of a floating submarine. Once on the floor, the machine split open. Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private peered out from a cage.
“Kowalski, analysis,” Skipper commanded.
“All evidence indicates I ate too many Cheezy Dibbles!” Kowalski groaned.
Rico coughed up a paper clip and popped open the cage lock. The penguins spilled out of their trap.
“Nice work, Rico!” Skipper said.
Private wanted to make Skipper proud too. He grabbed the paper clip in the lock and gulped it down. But no matter how he coughed or gagged he couldn’t bring it back up.
Then Private spotted a button on the wall. He pressed the button and—
Plunk! The platform beneath the penguins plunged to another floor.
“Private, no!” Skipper cried.
It was too late. Private pressed another button, and a gigantic laser rolled into the room. It was pointed straight at the penguins!
“Naughty, naughty.” The penguins heard a
voice. “Pretty birds belong in their cages.”
The penguins looked up. A shadowy figure slunk upside down on a catwalk. It dropped from the catwalk, landing with a splat like a heap of wet spaghetti!
“Who are you?” Skipper demanded.
“The humans know me as Dr. Octavius Brine,” the mysterious figure replied. “But you know me by a name perhaps you hoped you’d never hear again.”
Zip! A revolting octopus burst from the disguise and shouted, “I am DAAAAAAAAVE!”
Skipper traded quizzical looks with the other penguins.
“You seriously don’t remember me?” Dave asked. “Let’s shake up some old memories.”
Dave turned to a shelf filled with snow globes from every zoo in every corner of the world. The first one he picked up was from the New York Zoo.
It had once been Dave’s home.
“Life was good,” Dave said, sighing.
Shaking the globe, he spoke about his tank and the kids who came to see him. He did tricks, like squeezing his entire body into a jar.
But then another attraction came to the zoo. A cute-as-a-button attraction!
“Four adorable baby penguins,” Dave groaned. “With you around, no one wanted an old octopus anymore!”
The same thing happened at other zoos all over the world. Penguins ruled, Dave drooled. Until he became a has-been.
Dave had a burning thirst for revenge.
He pulled out a glowing green canister and sneered, “With this, I finally have the power to destroy you!”
Dave summoned his octopi henchmen. “Nicholas, cage them!” he demanded.
But Dave was messing with the wrong birds!
“Deploy secret weapon!” Skipper ordered.
The four penguins jumped on top of one another in a stack. Kowalski squeezed Rico, who then spewed a yellow cloud of Cheezy Dibble dust right at the octopi!
“The cheese burns!” Dave screamed.
He dropped the canister. The team hopped onto the canister and log-rolled to the elevator platform. Skipper kicked it to Rico, who gulped it down, and the boys escaped from a hatch in the roof.
“After them!” Dave shouted to his henchmen.
But Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private were already hopping into a gondola on a Venetian canal.
“How about some music?” Skipper asked the guitarist in the gondola. “Something chase-y?”
The chase was on as Dave’s henchmen emerged from the canal. When the waters reached an end, the penguins turned the oars into stilts and hobbled away on the gondola!
Skipper thought they’d outsmarted their enemies, until the octopi snatched the oars one by one. The gondola fell, crash-landing on a nearby scooter!
Zoom! The penguins were off, scooting through the streets of Venice.
But when they finally crashed, the penguins were forced to face the music and the octopi! What they weren’t expecting was a snowy owl to flutter down in front of their battle stance.
“Wow!” Kowalski cried as the owl carried away an octopus. When it seemed things couldn’t get any weirder, a baby seal popped out of a fixture on the wall to take out another octopus with a flash grenade! BOOM!
Two down, one to go! A polar bear lumbered out of a phone booth to knock out the lone henchman with a taser! ZZZZZ!
“What is going on?” Skipper demanded.
A jet screamed overhead. Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private looked up to see a wolf rappel from the plane!
“Remain calm,” the wolf said as he touched down. “You are now under the protection of the North Wind! You’re welcome.”
SKIPPER’S FAVORITE JOKES, PART 4
Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Zoo.
Zoo who?
Zoo should visit the zoo!
Q: What does Dave the octopus wear outside when it’s cold?
A: A coat of arms!
Q: What could you call Dr. Octavius Brine?
A: A doctopus!
Chapter Four
Before they knew it, the penguins found themselves inside the North Wind’s plane. The owl, polar bear, and seal sat at the controls. Skipper soon discovered that the owl’s name was Eva, the polar bear’s name was Corporal, and the seal’s name was Short Fuse.
The wolf introduced himself as Agent Classified, team leader of the North Wind, an elite undercover interspecies task force dedicated to helping animals who can’t help themselves.
“We happen to be an elite unit too!” Skipper proclaimed. Proudly he introduced Kowalski, Rico, and Private. But Agent Classified wasn’t dazzled.
“Let’s see how cute and cuddly handles this!” Agent Classified said. He cranked the throttle forward, sending the plane screaming toward an iceberg below!
As the penguins braced for impact, a door in the iceberg sprung open. The plane entered North Wind Headquarters, a shiny state-of-the-art, high-tech fortress!
“Not a bad place you got here, Classified,” Skipper admitted.
There was a reason for the invite. Agent Classified wanted to know everything the penguins knew about Octavius Brine!
Skipper decided to throw Agent Classified a bone: “My team has uncovered that Dr. Octavius Brine is actually Dave the octopus.”
“What you could not know,” Agent Classified began, “is that Brine’s laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called the Medusa Serum.”
“What you don’t know is that Dave won’t be using his serum on anybody,” Skipper said.
Rico coughed up the glowing green canister.
“You stole the Medusa Serum?” Agent Classified gasped, before—Fzzt!—the repulsive face of Dave appeared on a giant screen in front of them.
“Turn yourself in, David,” Agent Classified said, holding up the canister. “I’ve stolen your precious Medusa Serum.”
“You didn’t steal that!” Skipper complained.
Dave turned the camera toward a giant vat. It was filled with more glowing green serum. “That is a lot of serum for four penguins,” Kowalski observed.
“We’re just getting started!” Dave snickered before signing off.
Just getting started? What did that mean?
Boop, boop, boop!
“Incoming alert!” Eva said. She pulled up a giant map. It showed zoos all over the world where penguins had disappeared.
“This is the mission we’ve been preparing for our entire lives!” Skipper declared, huddling with his team. “We’re going to take down Dave, or die trying.”
But there was room for only one top dog on this mission. Yanking out a tranquilizer gun, Agent Classified zapped the penguins, knocking them out cold!
• • •
“Where are we?” Skipper muttered a few hours later as the penguins woke up. They kicked their way out of a cardboard box to find themselves on a cargo plane.
“They gave us badges!” Private said, pointing to a button on his chest.
“Not badges, Private,” Skipper said grimly. “Tranquilizer darts!”
As his crew’s leader, Skipper had to get them out of there. He slammed the release button on the cargo door, and—WHOOSH!—the penguins and tons of boxes were sucked outside!
Midair, Rico spotted a tube jutting from a box. He blew into it, and—Poof!—a bouncy house inflated. The penguins hopped aboard and—Boing!—the house touched down. Jumping off, they struck their famous battle stance!
“If we’re going to take down Dave,” Skipper declared, “we’ve got to know where he’s going to strike next.”
SKIPPER’S FAVORITE JOKES, PART 5
Q: Where does Agent Classified park his car?
A: In the barking lot!
Q: Why is Short Fuse good at keeping a secret?
A: He keeps his mouth sealed!
Q: Why is Corporal so nice?
A: Because he’s a polar care!
Chapter Five
The penguins spent the rest of the day making their way to civilization.
�
�From my calculations,” Kowalski whispered as they peeked out from a manhole cover that night, “we’ve arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.”
The penguins climbed out of the manhole and looked around. If they were in Ireland, why was the TV reporter on the screen speaking Mandarin? The team didn’t understand Mandarin, but they did understand the map flashing cities with missing penguins!
“It looks like Dave’s been busy,” Kowalski said.
Rico hocked up a snow globe for each country on the map. The globes matched the zoos Dave was kicked out of and where penguins were disappearing. Where would Dave seek revenge next? Rico hocked out the last globe: the city of Shanghai!
Suddenly Private spotted a poster. It was for the Mermaid Penguins show at the aquarium in Shanghai. So that’s where Dave would strike next!
The team raced to the aquarium. There hundreds of people cheered for adorable swimming penguins dressed in mermaid costumes!
“Penguin feeding time will begin in two minutes,” a voice announced while Skipper and his team fed one another with intel!
“Kowalski, status!” Skipper whispered into a baby monitor.
“In position!” Kowalski replied from the top of a hanging skeleton.
Rico slipped into a janitor’s closet, ready to sweep the floor with Dave!
“Keep your eyes open, fellas,” Skipper whispered. “Dave’s a master of disguise.”
A big dude dressed in a diving suit and carrying a bucket of fish clomped past Skipper. But when a tentacle wriggled out of his suit to snatch a fish, Skipper froze. It was Dave disguised as Octavius Brine!
“Dave’s trying to walk into the mermaid tank!” Skipper exclaimed. “Initiate Operation Splash and Crash!”
Kowalski sawed at the wires of a gigantic skeleton hanging from the ceiling. But Skipper had other plans for Private.
Skipper’s Tale Page 1