[Measure of Devotion 01.0] Measure of Devotion

by Caethes Faron

  “Almost.”

  But did she really deserve to be so picky? She began to chew her thumbnail as she thought it over. It felt like she was looking a gift horse in the mouth. After all, if she didn’t marry Jason, she’d have to marry someone. Papa’s health was failing, and he insisted that she settle down soon so that he would have some peace before his time came. The mere fact that Papa had been willing to let her choose her husband for herself had been such a privilege. This choice could just have easily not been hers to make. After this, though, she knew her father would have to make it. There was no way she could fall in love again. She would have to resign herself to life as a trophy wife, to be seen and not heard. Her purpose would extend no further than having children, entertaining guests, and being a dutiful wife who would be an asset to an upwardly mobile man. There would be no intellectual conversation, no love, merely a mutual respect if she were lucky.

  “And there will be mistresses. Jason was right about that.” Jason would never take another lover. If anything, he was faithful, even if it was to two people. Would him having an affair with Kale really be worse than being married to a man who flaunted mistresses? “I don’t see how. At least I know he loves me and he loves Kale.” That had to be better than him cheating on her just for sex.

  “Isn’t he just asking for the same thing I am?” Renee stopped her pacing. She had never thought of that before. All he wanted was to be allowed to love and be loved. Was she being selfish in demanding all of his heart? Wasn’t his devotion and warm heart what she loved about him? Why was she penalizing him for those things?

  “It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to me and Jason, and it isn’t fair to Kale. Poor thing has to be upset over this.” The pacing started again, only this time more urgent, more purposeful. “Do I love him? Yes. Do I want to be his wife?” The smile that broke out on her face answered her question before her mind could catch up. “Yes. And if that means letting him love Kale too, then so be it. There’s enough love and happiness to go around.”

  It wasn’t too late to fix this. Not wanting to waste a moment, she went to her wardrobe and grabbed her gloves and a hat. Stopping to look in the mirror, she arranged the hat and smoothed out her dress. The smile that shone back at her stole her breath. Why had she wasted even a moment being unhappy? Just as she reached for her parasol in the entryway closet, there was a knock at the door.

  Forty-Five

  Jason stood outside of Renee’s building trying to push down the queasy feeling in his stomach. He needed to focus on getting this done. If he was lucky, he would leave here with a fiancée and could begin moving on and trying to find some happiness. He didn’t even want to think about what would happen if she turned him down again. It was bad enough the first time, but at least then he’d had Kale, or at least thought he did. Jason didn’t like to think that he’d keep Kale against his will to avoid being alone, but if Renee turned him down this time, he honestly didn’t know what he’d do. At the mere thought, he saw nothing but darkness spread out before him, threatening to consume him.

  Finally, he worked up the courage to knock. Renee answered almost immediately, and her eyes widened at the sight of him.

  “May I come in?” Jason winced at the desperation in his voice.

  Renee shook herself free from the shock of seeing him and opened the door wider, gesturing him inside. “Of course. What’s wrong?”

  Jason put on a wry smile. “I look that bad, huh?”

  “No, no, you just look upset about something.”

  “Well, there’s nothing wrong.” Was it bad luck to lie while proposing? “I actually come bearing good news. I’m selling Kale.” Jason looked at Renee, hoping she would understand the implications.

  Instead, she looked shocked. “What? Why?”

  “I was being foolish earlier. I love you, Renee, and I want to be with you.” Jason took a deep breath and took her hands in his. “You’re more important to me than a slave. I was just being stubborn before. I realized that marrying you is the most important thing in the world to me.” His grip unconsciously tightened on her hands. “Please tell me I haven’t lost you. Please give me another chance.” The first time he’d proposed, he had been standing, gazing down into her eyes. This time it seemed fitting to get down on one knee. “I would be honored if you would be my wife.” Jason hated himself for how vulnerable he felt. One word from her and he might very well give up on life. It was a horrible feeling, and he couldn’t help thinking that it showed.

  A soft hand on his cheek tilted his face up. He hadn’t even realized he’d been looking down. Renee looked happy, but he didn’t dare believe it until she said the words.

  “Yes, I would love to be your wife.” She broke into a smile then and nudged him to his feet.

  “Thank the gods.” Jason pulled her to him, hugging her as if he couldn’t bear to ever let her go.

  Forty-Six

  Kale heard Jason leave. He didn’t know where his master was going, but if he had any sense, he’d be going to Renee to propose. Kale wished he knew, but he supposed he had given up his right to be privy to Jason’s thoughts and would have to get used to it. If, indeed, that was where Jason was going, Kale would have to get used to the idea that he would be sold. Still, it wasn’t his place to presume. As of right now, he was still Jason’s slave, so he decided he should act like it. He went up to Jason’s room, did what cleaning there was to do, and knelt to wait, trying not to let his thoughts torture him too badly.

  It didn’t feel like long before he heard the front door open and close. Straining to hear, he soon heard the familiar footsteps on the stairs; there was no mistaking that it was Jason. Try as he might, Kale couldn’t tell much from Jason’s footsteps. They seemed neither slow and sad, nor quick and happy. When Jason finally opened the door, Kale kept his head down, fighting the urge to look up.

  “Kale, I came to a decision earlier.” Jason paused and Kale looked up, figuring that’s what he waited for. “I’m going to sell you. It isn’t fair to you to have to remain in the service of someone who forced himself on you. I’m terribly sorry for what happened, and I deeply regret it. I recognize you’ve been a good and loyal slave to me, far better than I deserve. I’m going to do my best to find a good master for you. I’m not going to sell you to just anyone.” It took every ounce of self-control Kale possessed to keep his feelings from his face. This was what he wanted, after all.

  “Furthermore, I have told Renee of my intention to sell you, and she has graciously agreed to accept my proposal of marriage.”

  This was exactly what Kale had wanted. Forcing a smile on his face he said, “Congratulations, Master. I wish you many years of happiness.”

  “Thank you, Kale. It’s kind of you to say so after what I’ve put you through. I’m just glad everything worked out for the best. I’m going to be having Renee over for dinner tonight. Can you make sure to let the rest of the house know they’re invited?”

  “Of course, sir. And is there anything I should request be made special?”

  “Not that I can think of.”

  “If that’s all then, sir, I’ll go begin the preparations.”

  “Yes, Kale, that’s all. You’re dismissed.”

  Kale left and went down to the kitchen to tell Marge what was happening and to make a request for dinner. With that done, he headed out to the back garden. No one would be around right now for him to invite to dinner, so he figured he would spend some time in the fresh air.

  Right now, he should feel victorious. He was getting everything he wanted. He had convinced Jason to sell him and marry Renee. Renee had taken Jason back. Why did his victory feel so empty? He realized that he didn’t really want to know. He just sat and stared at the tiny garden.

  How simple these flowers had it. No worries, no cares, their only job was to be pretty. All Kale had wanted was a simple life. He thought he knew his job: to follow orders and keep his master happy. Of course, the difficulty came when those two things conflicted with each
other.

  Kale must have been out longer than he thought, because Charlie was suddenly standing nearby. “How long have you been there?” Kale asked.

  “A little while. It looked like you were thinking, and I didn’t want to disturb you. What’s on your mind?”

  “My master proposed to Renee again, and she accepted.”

  “Really? I thought she wasn’t going to marry him as long as he kept you. What changed her mind?”

  Kale met Charlie’s eyes for the first time and Charlie gasped. “No, you don’t mean he’s…?”

  “Yep. I got myself sold as soon as he can find a buyer.”

  Charlie walked over to Kale and sat down next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Kale.”

  “Nah, don’t be. It’s what I wanted, right? He’s having her over for dinner tonight. Everyone’s invited. Think you can tell the others for me?”

  “No problem. You sure you don’t want to talk about this?”

  “Yeah. What’s there to talk about? If a slave is standing between a man and happiness, the man gets rid of the slave.”

  “But are you sure you were really in the way of his happiness?”

  “Of course.”

  “How’d you get him to agree to sell you? I’d have never believed it. That boy gets puppy dog eyes every time you’re around.”

  “He just likes that I take care of him. I told him I could never love someone who beat me the way he did when he was with Eric.”

  “I’m surprised he bought the lie.”

  Kale turned to Charlie. “What do you mean? It’s not a lie. I don’t love him.”

  “Ah, I see. A lot easier for him to buy it when you do, too.”

  “It’s not a lie,” Kale growled.

  “Sure it’s not. All I know is I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people more smitten with each other than you two.”

  “Look, I don’t love him. I don’t know if he ever loved me; you’d have to ask him. All I did was what any other slave would do. I kept him happy, and it got me just what I wanted. I haven’t been sleeping in the drafty basement now, have I?”

  “No, you haven’t.”

  “So just lay off.”

  “All right.” Charlie stood and wiped the dirt from his pants. “I’ll go let the others know about dinner. If you’ve got some time between now and then, do you want to fuck?”

  “No, thanks.” The words came automatically, but when Kale stopped to analyze them, he realized they were true, and he didn’t want to think about why.

  Charlie smiled a sad, knowing smile and walked away.

  Forty-Seven

  It took a concerted effort for Renee to stop tapping her pocketbook. The restlessness was not brought on by excitement as it should be—this was an engagement celebration after all—but from nerves. Beyond this front door was Kale, the slave she had earlier resolved to tolerate for Jason’s sake. That resolve had melted the instant Jason proposed again. If he had come to this decision on his own, why not let it stand? He was hurting now, that had been apparent from the way he looked when he showed up on her doorstep, but the pain would fade and eventually cease altogether. Once Kale was sold, they would move on, get married, and she would make him forget all about his former slave. They could be happy together. They would be happy together, she felt sure of it.

  Renee couldn’t help the anxious glances she tossed around as Jason greeted her and led her to the dining room. Her attention should be on her fiancé, she knew that, but something wouldn’t let her stop looking for Kale.

  There he was, standing against the wall of the dining room. When she entered, he stepped forward, and Renee’s stomach clenched. He wasn’t going to talk to her, was he? The thought of him serving at dinner was unsettling enough, but to actually have to face him?

  “Excuse me, miss,” Kale said. “I just wanted to offer my congratulations on your engagement.” There was no hint of bitterness or jealousy in his voice, just sincerity tinged with resignation. Should she say something in response? What could she say? It didn’t matter. As quickly as he had appeared before her, he was gone again, back to blending in with the rest of the slaves.

  The food was delicious and the company festive. All of Jason’s housemates were there, and it was just the sort of small gathering she liked. In a few weeks, she would have to endure a formal engagement party, but tonight was about celebrating with friends. The boisterous conversation from Timothy and Phineas should have been enough to distract her from the sad undercurrent she felt, but it wasn’t. Jason’s smile every time she looked at him was too forced, and any time Jason saw Kale, he looked like he was in outright pain. Was it her imagination, or were the other slaves in the room eyeing her with contempt? It was likely they were the only ones here who knew why she had suddenly accepted Jason’s proposal. As she chewed on roasted duck she couldn’t even taste, Renee kept telling herself that things would get better. Once Kale was actually gone, Jason could start to move on. This pain was only temporary. They would have their whole lives together.

  One course after another came and went in a blur until dessert. Looking down at the plate in front of her, Renee finally smiled. Chocolate covered cherries, a dessert so simple it was rarely served. “My favorite.”

  “What was that, darling?” Jason turned his attention to her.

  “The chocolate covered cherries, they’re my favorite. Thank you.” There was a flicker of confusion on Jason’s face before he smiled. Had she ever even told him about her love for the dessert? How did he know? Of course. Kale. He would have known from the party at the Woodhausen’s. Jason had been off with the men while the women had dessert, but Kale had remained with some of the other slaves to serve.

  Jason turned back to his conversation with Carl, and Renee looked over his shoulder to where Kale stood against the wall. He smiled and nodded at her. Renee did her best to smile back before she returned to her plate. That Kale would go to these lengths to make the night special for her was knowledge she’d rather not have.

  It was unfair, the way she was treating him. Ever since she had figured out that Jason loved him, she’d viewed him as a rival. Meanwhile, he had done nothing other than welcome her into their lives and try to make her as comfortable as possible. It was as if he sensed how hard this must be for her and was trying to make it as easy as he could. And what thanks did he get for it? She was having him sold. Jason had come to the decision himself, but she knew he wouldn’t go through with it if he didn’t think it was the only way she’d marry him. In fact, she was surprised he had decided to go through with it at all. Before today, she had been certain that nothing would ever tear those two apart.

  She choked down the last few bites of her dessert. The sudden knotting in her stomach made her want to leave the last cherry on her plate, but her upbringing wouldn’t let her return this kindness with the ungratefulness of not finishing. She could ruin lives with no thought other than her own selfish desires, but leaving food on her plate was a breach in decorum. She hated herself for what she was doing, but she couldn’t bring herself to put a stop to it. Everything she ever wanted was hers for the taking now, she just needed to see it through. Kale would manage. He was a good slave and would no doubt charm any master who owned him. Really, any pain or discomfort was only in the short term. Long term, everyone would be happy.

  Keeping that thought in mind, she drank her wine and joined in the happy conversation around her, soaking up her night and pretending that she didn’t see the pain Jason tried so hard to hide.

  Forty-Eight

  “Damn.” Jason threw his gloves on his desk and reached for his glass. The stress of finding a buyer for Kale was beginning to get to him, and he had taken to keeping a bottle of brandy in his room. Whether the smooth fire of the liquid going down his throat actually relaxed him or whether he just thought it did, he didn’t care. Sitting alone in his room with a tumbler in his hand had become a familiar routine over the last few days.

  Looking around
, he was assaulted with Kale on every side. The sketchpad sat where Kale had last left it, only now it was nearly empty. Jason had taken the pictures and hung them around his room. Was it a punishment? Seeing them all—each one speaking of a man Jason would never have—was a sweet torture. Downing the last of his drink, Jason returned the glass to its place and reached for the decanter. His hand froze midair; one drink had been his limit when drinking alone.

  “But I need you.” The amber liquid? Or the man who drove him to want to numb his mind? Kale would have been able to draw him out of his dark mood, but Jason kept him at a distance. It was too hard to look at him, still loving him and knowing that Kale would never return those feelings. If he was around Kale too long, he began to think of the enormity of what he had done, and it drove him to drink more than he should, which is where his one drink rule came from. Things were easier if Kale stayed out of sight; no doubt he enjoyed the respite from having to tend to Jason.

  His stomach clenched, and he backed away from the brandy, ending up on the sofa. No, he wouldn’t add drunkard to the long list of his shortcomings. How could anyone love a monster like him? It was lucky he still had Renee in his life.

  A persistent knock on the door jostled him from his thoughts. How long had the visitor been knocking? What had he been thinking of? Renee, Kale, life, sin, redemption—he didn’t know.

  “Yes?”

  “Excuse me, sir.” It was Charlie who poked his head around the door. “Miss Arlington is here to see you. She’s waiting in the parlor.”