The Reluctant Jesus: A Satirical Dark Comedy

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by Duncan Whitehead


  As for everything else and the state of the world, I see God was true to his word, and he is indeed letting Lucifer have a free reign, sort of. Neither my children nor I will be around when my brother returns to Earth to sort out this mess once and for all, but my grandchildren will be, and so will their children, and I hope their Great Uncle looks them up before he saves the world from evil.

  Every third Monday of the month at around eight in the evening, I get a phone call. I gently shove Walter out of the chair where he sits by the phone so I can talk to my regular caller. He asks about his grandkids, and sometimes he speaks to Maggie if she is not too busy with the children. We pass the time of the day and talk about father and son things. No longer an absentee dad, he regularly watches over my family, and he assures me day and night, despite his busy schedule, that he will never miss a call. Everyone ‘up there’ who knows me always sends their best. He has a new administrative system, Windows-based, he tells me, and though there still is red tape, overall things seem to be working a lot better in Heaven. They are prospecting another planet later on in the year, but he hopes to be back for Christmas. Jesus would be disappointed if he missed yet another birthday, and he assures me he will still call me to keep in touch.

  So life goes on, at least for another eighty years at least, and though tempted, I haven’t tried any miracles of late. I have to admit, I did do a sneaky one back in 2000. My beloved Yankees won the World Series for the third time straight, beating our great rivals, the Mets, in a five game series, four to one. What? Oh, come on, please. You didn’t think they managed that without a little help, did you? It was courtesy of me, my final miracle, as The Reluctant Jesus.

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