by Linda Bridey
Reckless looked at him with wide eyes. “I did not recognize you. You should not be here.”
“I know. I’m not staying. Listen, there’s something I have to go do. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone. Will you please take care of my critters for me?”
“Yes. Of course. Where are you going?”
“To face some things and get things right in my head again. Here’s some money. You know what my critters eat. Buy whatever you need for them,” Rick said as he handed Reckless a thick bankroll. “If you need more, here’s my bank account number and a letter stating that you are to be allowed access to it.”
“Ok. Why me?”
“Is that a complaint or a genuine question?” Rick asked with a smile.
“A question. Why not Jack or Marcus?” Reckless asked, smiling back.
“Because you know what it’s like to go on a vision quest and what I have to do is sort of like that. Everyone else but you will try to stop me. But you? You know that there are some things that must be done no matter what. And this needs done.”
Reckless nodded. “Yes, I know what you mean.”
“Will you give this to Gina?”
Reckless took the letter and put it in his pocket. “Yes. I will make sure she gets it.” He rose and hugged Rick. “May Wakan Tanka bless your trip. I wish you good luck, uncle.”
Tears pricked Rick’s eyes as he pulled away from Reckless. “Take care of yourself, Sitting Duck.”
Reckless laughed as Rick strode away from him.
Rick stopped by the bar and Jake did a double take. “Rick, what are you doing here?”
“I’m just here for my pay, Jake, and then I’ll be out of your hair, ok?” Rick asked.
“Ok. I’ll be right back,” Jake said.
Rick followed him back to the office. “I thought it would be better for me to wait back here so no one talks to me. There won’t be any trouble that way.”
Jake nodded as he counted out Rick’s money and then handed it to him. “Rick, it’s a damn shame. I’m sorry it has to be this way.”
“That’s all right, boss. You haven’t seen the last of me,” Rick said. “I’ll see you later, Jake. Take care.”
“You, too, Rick,” Jake said.
“I’m going to leave out the back, ok?”
“Sure. Go ahead.” Jake sighed as he heard the back door open and close. “Why can’t I keep good bouncers?”
The next day, Gina was attempting to work. It wasn’t going very well. She had told the children the night before about her and Rick breaking up. Ryan was despondent and Chloe became angry along with being sad. She’d stomped off to her room and slammed the door. Gina had held Ryan for quite some time, crying along with her son.
Now, as she tried to sew, tears kept blurring her vision, and she had to stop and dry her eyes. She had thought that working would help occupy her mind, but the pain was too fresh and kept intruding. Finally, she gave up and put aside her work.
She found Ryan in the playroom and said, “Hi, honey. Would you like to go for a ride?”
His eyes brightened. “Yeah. Can we go to town? I want some candy.”
Gina couldn’t refuse him anything at the moment. “Sure. Let’s get your coat and hat on.”
On the way into town, they met Reckless.
“I was coming to see you,” he told them. His expression was cheerless.
“Oh. It’s always nice to see you, Reckless,” she said with a small smile.
Reckless pulled out an envelope from the wolf hide coat he wore and handed it to her. “He wanted me to give this to you.”
Gina didn’t need Reckless to tell her who “he” was. She looked at her name, which was printed on the front of the envelope, and recognized Rick’s handwriting. Tears immediately filled her eyes and she had great difficulty in preventing the sobs that bubbled up in her chest. Reckless put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. He’d come to like Gina very much.
“What is this?” she asked. There was something hard inside the envelope.
“I do not know. He has gone on a vision quest,” Reckless said.
Gina glanced at him. “A what?”
“A vision quest. In our culture, when a boy becomes a certain age, he goes out into the wilderness on a vision quest. It means that they seek answers to questions they may have about life or what they should do about a certain problem. It may be a personal problem or a problem that the tribe is having,” Reckless explained.
Gina said, “I see. And this is what he’s doing? Where is he going?”
“I do not know and he does not know when he will return,” Reckless said.
Gina looked into his dark eyes and saw the kindness in them. “Thank you, Reckless. You’re a good friend.”
Reckless smiled. “You are welcome. Take care.” He looked at Ryan. “One day I will take you to our village and you can play with the other children. Would you like that?”
“Yeah! When will we go?” the little boy asked.
“Soon. Be well,” Reckless said and rode away.
As much as she wanted to, Gina couldn’t read the letter right then. She’d promised Ryan candy and she wasn’t going to disappoint him. He’d had enough of that in his young life.
“Ok, mister. Let’s get going,” she said, kicking her horse forward.
Ryan followed suit and they soon arrived in town.
Gina didn’t get to read Rick’s letter until late afternoon. Chloe had arrived home from school and was excited about the day she’d had and Ryan had wanted to play a game. Finally, she was able to go to her room so she could have some privacy. After shutting the door, Gina sat down in the chair in a corner of the room and held the letter. She wanted badly to read it, but she was also afraid to see what it contained.
Steeling herself, she opened it and began reading:
Dear Lovely,
I am so sorry for hurting you and the children. It was never my intention to do so and I hate myself for it. Never did I imagine meeting someone as wonderful as you and the little people. You made me happier than I ever imagined I’d be and I miss all of you so much already. As I said to you, I know that I will never love anyone again and I’ll love you all the rest of my days.
I am grateful to you for all of the support and love you showed me while I continued to fall apart. When we first began our relationship, I had no idea that all of this darkness and pain would rise up and control me as it has. Through it all, you remained steadfast and loyal and I’ll always love you for it. You have more heart and dedication than I have ever seen in my life. You are an extraordinary woman.
By the time Reckless gives this to you, I will have started my journey. As Randall pointed out, I have to go back in order to go forward. So that is what I’m doing. I hope it works. I am desperate at this point and will do anything to stop my spiral into insanity. I know you by now and so I won’t tell you not to worry about me. Even though I’ve hurt you in the worst possible way, you will worry. It’s just the kind of person you are; compassionate and kind.
I’ve enclosed a key to our house. I don’t know how long this will take, but I have a proposition for you. Even though I don’t deserve it, I am going to ask that you keep an open mind and perhaps keep your heart open as well. If when I do return and I find your engagement ring on the kitchen counter, I’ll know that you have moved on and no longer wish to marry me. If it is not there, I’ll know that you will forgive me someday and be willing to marry me.
I have not done this for selfish reasons. All right, maybe somewhat selfishly. What I am doing, I do for you and the little people. The thought of hurting any of you physically chills me to the bone and I would never be able to live knowing that I had. I hope that you can see past the pain and fury you must feel for me right now, and know that I do this out of love.
I also know that Chloe is going to be very angry with me. Please explain this in terms that she will understand. Let her know that she is very dear to me and I would never hurt her if it wasn’t n
ecessary for me to do this. Hug both of them for me and tell them how much I love them.
Lastly, please know that I will think of you every minute of every day and, even though we are apart, my love for you will still grow. I pray that my dreams will be of all of you and not the darkness. I will be remembering all of the special times we had together and of being in your arms, making love with you. You will all be forever in my mind and in my heart.
Love always,
Rick
Gina placed the letter on her bureau and let the tears come. His letter was beautiful and sad and touching. As she’d read it, Gina could clearly hear his voice in her head and she ached to see him. Where was he going? What did he mean about going back in order to move forward? He said that Randall had said it to him. Maybe Randall would know. Gina had to know. She wiped her face, getting rid of the tears that had fallen, and went in search of the butler.
Randall was in the kitchen going over the menu for the next day with Addie when Gina entered the kitchen.
“Ah, Gina,” he said with a smile. “How are you?”
“Terrible,” Gina said honestly.
Addie went to give Gina a hug. “It will get better a little each day, child.”
“Thank you, Addie,” Gina said. “Randall, do you know where Rick has gone?”
“Gone? I did not know he was going anywhere,” Randall said.
Gina could see that Randall was telling the truth and told them about Rick’s letter. “He said that you told him that he had to go back in order to go forward. What does that mean?”
Randall sat down on a chair and mulled it over. After several moments, he sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I have a suspicion that he took me quite literally. Perhaps I am wrong, but I believe he has literally gone back to where it all started.”
Gina’s eyes widened. “Do you really think he would go back to Canada?”
Randall held her gaze and replied, “I think it’s a distinct possibility. I told him he must face the problem. Perhaps he thought it best to go back there to do just that.”
“That’s far away. He’s going to be gone a long time,” Gina said. “I don’t know that I can do what he’s asking. He wants me to wait for him, but my trust is broken. For my children, if not for me, I can’t keep opening them up to be hurt like this. It’s not right to do that to them.”
Randall nodded. “That is a decision you must make for them and for yourself. Do not make the decision hastily. Give it careful consideration, Gina.”
She nodded and left the kitchen.
Randall and Addie shared a sad look and Randall said, “She is going to need us, Addie.”
“Yes. We will be here for her. Not to worry.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The deep, powdery snow hindered Rick’s progress across the brilliant, white landscape, but he doggedly trudged along, never wavering from his goal. His leg muscles burned and he couldn’t feel his feet, but still he kept moving. British Columbia had experienced two blizzards and the heavy snowfall made traveling an arduous undertaking, even with snowshoes.
He’d made it to Prince George and, though it had increased in size since he’d been there, Rick recognized many of the landmarks. However, he felt no sense of homecoming, only dread for what lay ahead. He was relieved to be close to his destination after traveling for almost a month. The date of the day he and Gina were to get married had passed and it filled Rick with sadness that he wasn’t now living with his wife and children.
Some days all that kept driving him was his love for them and his determination to face his fears and force himself to push past it all so he could live his life again. He was as haunted as ever, but he let the memories come, as horrible as they were. There were days when he was late getting started because he was too shaky and had to wait for it to pass.
Exhausted, Rick checked into a hotel in Prince George, and, after eating, fell into bed. Though he slept, the nightmares crowded his mind and he woke feeling as fatigued as when he’d lain down. The next day, he began the final leg of his journey. By midafternoon, he’d arrived at the house where he’d spent so many terrible years.
It was a large, gray stone house that had once been very beautiful. As Rick looked over it, he could see the neglect and damage to the house. He noted that there were no tracks in the snow and the walkway hadn’t been shoveled at all. Apparently it was abandoned. For a long time, Rick just stood and looked at the house, unable to go inside.
After a time, he gathered his courage, Randall’s words echoing in his mind, and climbed the steps onto the porch. Reaching the front door, Rick placed his hand on the doorknob and closed his eyes. He remembered dreading coming home each day after school. Every day, Rick tried to stay away from the hated woman he was supposed to call a mother as long as he could.
He turned the knob and opened the door. He stepped inside and flashes of awful scenes came to him. He forced himself past the foyer, entering the hallway that led to the parlor. On his right side, situated under the stairs leading to the second story, was the closet in which his mother used to lock him. He opened the door and the memories of how he used to fight her, screaming that he was sorry and begging her not to lock him in there again, flooded his mind.
He felt again the slaps she gave him for defying her and felt his body hit the wall inside the closet when she roughly shoved him inside. The darkness. How he’d hated the darkness that enveloped him when she shut the door and locked it. His hands had become bloodied because he pounded on the door so hard and for so long.
A sob escaped Rick as he remembered the hunger that had eaten away at him because she didn’t feed him, how dry and scratchy his throat was from lack of water, and the embarrassment and shame that came from having nowhere to relieve himself. Janine had known just how long to leave him in there before he would die of lack of water and food.
Then she would let him out and beat him for making such a mess in the closet. He’d had to clean it, crying the whole time. Rick didn’t bother going to the basement because it was only more of the same. The darkness. Always the darkness.
The kitchen held more bleak memories of being fed horrible food but having to eat it because there was nothing else. She would torture him by cooking delicious food but not letting him eat it. Rick used to often eat supper at friends’ houses so he had a decent meal at least once a day. It was no wonder that he’d been somewhat scrawny as a kid and picked on as a result. He’d been an easy target due to malnutrition. It had spurred him to learn how to fight, to be lethal in order to protect himself.
Turning away from the kitchen, Rick began to panic as he moved towards the parlor. His breath came in rapid, shallow pants and he broke out in a cold sweat. Using Randall’s words to give him courage and hope, he walked into the room. Immediately the bright flash of light and intense pain burst inside his head and he dropped to all fours.
The scene of the day he’d murdered his mother began to unfold in his mind and he heard every cruel word and his pleas for her to stop. Rick felt every blow from the riding crop and the terror gripped him once again as he saw the hatred and insanity in her eyes. His mouth twisted into a snarl as rage consumed him and, in his mind, his twelve-year-old self reached for the fire poker behind him.
His hand had closed around the cold metal and he’d lifted the weapon without her seeing it. She’d been in such a rage that she didn’t notice his furtive movement. Getting a good grip on it, Rick waited. When she swung the crop again, Rick had blocked its path with his left forearm and swung the poker as hard as he could.
It had caught her in on the left side of her head and she’d reeled backwards. He’d followed it up with a second blow and she’d fallen to the floor, a look of pain and shock in her crazed eyes. The sharp pain in Rick’s head intensified and he cried out because it was so great. Still he forced himself to remember, to break through the barrier in his brain that he’d kept in place for so long. Joy. There had been joy surging through him as he’d continued his ass
ault on her. He’d kept on past the point he needed to. She was dead and still he could not stop until sheer exhaustion forced him to.
Rick remembered staggering away from her to a corner and sagging down onto the floor. That was when he’d passed out, not waking until Emery had woken him and taken care of him. Rick panted and shook as the memories held him in an iron grip. Then, in small increments, it began to fade, the pain in his head subsided to a dull ache. Still weak and shaking hard, Rick crawled over to a wall and sat up against it.
Emery. He’d been the only bright spot in his life and he missed the man who’d been a father to him immensely. Rick put his head down and cried for the loss of him. He’d been a remarkable man who’d loved Rick when he didn’t have to, protected him, cared for him, and gave him a wonderful, unique ten years filled with memories of all the exotic places they’d traveled and the friends they’d made along the way.
When his tears abated, Rick gathered his strength. There was one last thing he needed to do. He trekked through what had been the backyard to the woods beyond it. Though it lay under a thick blanket of snow, Rick knew exactly where the grave was. He carried a full vodka bottle with him.
He cleared away the snow as well as he could without a shovel until he could see a small patch of ground. As he uncorked the bottle and poured the contents onto the ground, he said, “You have no more power over me, Mother. You can’t hurt me anymore and you’re not going to keep me from being happy with the woman I love, or at least sane even if Gina won’t take me back. I hope you rot in hell because that’s where you belong.”
Rick looked at the empty bottle and suddenly hurled it down on the frozen ground with such force that it broke. It was a satisfying sound that further soothed Rick’s mind. After inhaling a great breath of the clean, crisp air, he moved away from the grave, leaving behind the pain, fear, and anger, ready now to get on with the rest of his life.
The March winds howled through the trees and buffeted houses and barns as it swept across the land. Rick led his tired horse up the lane that led to his house. The sight of it was very moving and he smiled as he arrived. He put the horse in the small barn. Immediately after that, he ran to the little house and went quickly inside. Running across the floor, he opened the back door and whistled.