“Checking up on you. You didn’t show up to the party.”
She squinted at him, and then she looked down at her hands clasped on her lap.
“I didn’t feel like going.”
He gently moved a strand of hair from her cheek. She pulled back and looked at him, appearing affected by his touch by the way she shivered. He could see her nipples harden against the thin material of her tank top.
“Why not? It would be more fun than staying here alone.”
“I’m fine here alone. I wasn’t up to a party and looked forward to being lazy today.” She sat up and began to clean the tissues from the table.
“Cynthia.” He touched her hand, stopping her from moving around and avoiding him. She turned to look up at him. “You don’t have a lazy bone in your body, honey. Come on now. Talk to me. Are you feeling okay? Is there anything I can do to help ease your sorrow?”
He saw a flash of something in her eyes, and then they were watery as she stood up and frantically cleaned up the garbage around her.
“I’m fine.” She headed into the kitchen off the back porch.
He followed, watching her move around her kitchen in her skimpy little outfit. She was petite compared to him. Watching her brought on a very protective instinct in him. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against the doorframe.
“If there’s anything I can do to help, you know the men and I care for you. We’ve mentioned that a time or two before. You’re not alone. You have us.”
She looked at him and held on to the counter.
“I’m fine alone. I just want to be alone,” she said, and her voice cracked.
He was next to her fast, turning her around to face him.
“Aw, baby, you’re not fine alone. You’re sad.” He cupped her cheek and wiped away the tear that was about to fall from her eye.
“I’m here for you, Cynthia. I’m not going anywhere, and neither are Dugen, Merlin, and Karl.”
She shook her head and stepped back but hit the counter.
“I don’t need looking after. I’m a grown woman, and I can handle things just fine.”
He placed his hands on the counter behind her, trapping her.
“The thing is, darling, there’s no need for you to handle things alone.” He caressed her jaw. “Can’t you call one of us to come help you or spend time with you so that you’re not alone and sad?”
She shook her head. “I’m good, Perkins. Really I am. I just didn’t feel like going to the party.”
She looked away from him, and so badly he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her. But his gut warned him that it wasn’t the right time. She was going through something right now, and he didn’t want her to have regrets or to blame an attraction between them all on emotions after losing her brother.
He stepped back and took her hand. “Did you have dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” she whispered.
He’d observed her figure from the moment he came onto the porch. She’d lost a little weight since Michael’s accident and then worrying about her friend Dee.
“You have to eat, Cynthia. Otherwise you’ll get weak. How about we look in your refrigerator and see what we can whip up? I can always eat a little something.” He let his gaze roam over her breasts.
She licked her lower lip and then shyly looked away. He hoped she got his hints.
* * * *
Cynthia felt her heart racing. Perkins was a big man, an attractive man with muscles, tattoos, and a charismatic personality. He was older than her by eight years or so. He had a deep, rough voice that affected her body in ways that embarrassed her. Her inexperience with men was obvious when it came to Perkins and his team.
As he stood here in her kitchen, wearing his dark jeans and navy blue T-shirt, she couldn’t help but feel the attraction. He smelled really good, too. But the pain she was feeling, the fears, the sadness had her closing up her heart. She refused to relinquish control of any aspect of her life—her emotions, her turmoil, her anything—to anyone. Plus, he represented the things that had gone wrong and soured in her life.
He was a soldier and a man who expected submission and control, and he and his team were the most controlling, dominant males she had ever met in her life. Plus, they did everything together. They even shared women.
She was surprised the thought didn’t scare her or disgust her. Instead, it aroused her, and if she’d learned anything in life thus far, she’d learned that her instincts were bad, her judgment of character was even worse, and she trusted too easily, seeing only the good in people instead of what was hiding behind that good.
She was desperate to feel in control. Right now she couldn’t think about anything else but making enough money to keep those drug dealing assholes off her back, paying Michael’s debt, and trying to live without Michael, her protector in her life. She had her friends to worry about, too. Dee had her own scary situation. Her friends didn’t need to get hurt, too, because of Michael’s bad decisions.
She felt the hand on her shoulder and snapped her head up to see Perkins looking concerned.
“I lost you there for a moment. What were you thinking about? You looked so serious.”
“Nothing. I’m sorry, Perkins. I’m tired. I told you I didn’t feel like going to the party. I wanted to do nothing all day. Monday begins a hard week for me. There’s a lot to do.” She squeezed by him to get away. His closeness made her feel uneasy. He was authoritative, commanding, and she felt guilty for some odd reason by not pouring her soul out to him or informing him of her troubles.
She retreated to the refrigerator and opened it up.
“I didn’t go to the supermarket today. I can make some eggs, and I have kale and mozzarella cheese for an omelet.”
“Kale in eggs?” he asked.
“It’s healthy and provides protein in the morning,” she replied.
“Minus the kale and you’ve got a deal. I can make the bacon,” he said and then walked closer. His hip pressed against hers. They locked gazes. “Where are your pans for the bacon?” he asked softly.
God, he’s so freaking gorgeous. His brown eyes locked onto hers, and then she looked at his lips.
“Second cabinet on the right of the stove.”
He reached down, and then she pulled out the ingredients to make the omelets.
“I have a tomato, too. Want that in it?” she asked.
“Whatever you like will be fine with me. Minus the kale,” he added.
She couldn’t help but smile. As she got her ingredients ready, she was shocked by how Perkins affected her. He was enticing in so many ways and also scary. He had himself a reputation of being a real hardass to get along with. She could see that about him. It was a military thing. Definitely.
They worked side by side in silence, and Cynthia couldn’t help but to imagine what it would be like to be Perkins’s woman. But she knew that it meant she would belong to the others. To Dugen, Merlin, and Karl as well. They were a force to be reckoned with, and they shared everything. They lived together, worked together, and were usually seen together. Being alone in a room with all of them was too scary to think about, never mind consider getting romantically involved. They intimidated her, and she had her concerns over their personalities, especially over Dugen’s and Karl’s personalities. They both tended to be very hard, quiet men and suffered from posttraumatic stress like Michael had. Although they seemed to have more control over it than Michael, it was still concerning.
It was hard to explain, but these four men each had the same look in their eyes that got to her immediately. That was why she avoided eye contact with them as much as possible. She also usually rambled on about nonsense. But right now, she found herself tongue-tied, and the quietness as they worked side by side relaxed her a little. But she couldn’t get involved with him or them. She wasn’t cut out to be the wife, the lover, or whatever of a soldier. Her experiences with soldiers always turned out badly.
She was getting ti
red of burying soldiers, visiting their families and loved ones when they mourned the tragic losses. As much as she loved volunteering with the Guardians of Angels group to attend services for fallen soldiers and be supportive, she was getting burned out and feeling fragile.
“So you mentioned Monday beginning a hard week. What’s going on?” Perkins asked as the sound of bacon sizzling brought her focus back to preparing the omelet.
She bent down to retrieve the other pan.
“I’m looking for more work.”
“Work? What about the clinic?”
“It’s only part time. I love helping out there, but I need more money,” she said without thinking.
Perkins placed his hand on her forearm.
“Baby, we can help you out. Are you behind in the bills?”
She looked at him. He’d shocked her by both calling her baby and asking if she was behind in bills and that he would pay.
“No, I’m not behind on bills. I just want to make more money. Working part time is nice but not feasible right now. I need to keep busy and to keep my mind off of things.”
“You better be telling the truth. I told you, and so did Merlin, that our team is here to take care of you.”
“And I told you that I can take care of myself,” she said and then poured the egg concoction into the sizzling pan.
“That’s not the point, Cynthia. We’re here for you. When are you going to accept our help? Our interest?”
“I appreciate the help you have provided, including coming here and checking up on me. You were good friends with Michael, but I’m a grown woman. I have things that need to get done and accomplished, and I need to do those things on my own.”
He opened his mouth to say something and then appeared to think better of it.
“Well, where are you looking to work?” He started pulling bacon out of the pan.
“I don’t know. Somewhere I can make good money and can still take off to help out the organization.”
“The Guardians of Angels is growing in leaps and bounds. Have you asked Sunny if there are any openings?” he suggested.
“I think I may need to look into bartending or waitressing.”
He scrunched his eyes as she pulled the omelet out of the pan, and he turned off the stove, taking out the last two pieces of bacon.
“But working for the organization we all work for would be great for you. You can be around all your friends and still participate in the events you have enjoyed participating in.”
“But I don’t know if I want to,” she said.
He joined her at the table, and they began to put food on their plates. She placed eggs on his first as he placed bacon on her plate first. They locked gazes, and she smiled.
It made her imagine, once again, what being his woman might be like. But then she reminded herself about the trouble and the things that could go wrong. What if she fell in love with them, but they saw her only as a sexual partner they shared? She wasn’t even certain she had the ability to open her heart and expose it to emotion and pain. What if Dugen and Karl couldn’t handle their PTSD and tried hurting her or, worse, hurt themselves. How would she live with that? It seemed to her that she needed to make some major changes in her life to gain back control. Protecting her heart and counting on herself seemed the best options.
“I think I’m going to look in Keanter or Croton for something. Maybe even Tranquility, though the commute will be longer. I did hear about two bars and a new restaurant opening up in town there.”
“That is a bit of a commute. Can’t you look around here, maybe in Pearl?” he asked.
“I think I need a little separation from here. From what the norm is. Just for a little while anyway. I’ll see,” she said and then took a forkful of eggs and ate it.
Perkins appeared upset. The expression of annoyance on his face made her swallow hard. He wasn’t buying her story. She couldn’t let him know about the debt. God, he would think she was so weak.
“Well, before you jump on any offers, I would appreciate the heads-up. I care about you, Cynthia, and want what’s best for you. Run the job by me, please?” he asked, but she knew it wasn’t a request but an order. He and the others were used to maintaining control all the time, and especially over women in the community.
“We’ll see, Perkins. Let’s eat. I’m getting tired, and like I said, tomorrow begins the start of a long, hard week.”
Chapter 2
“A job? Where and what for when she’s working at the clinic?” Karl asked as he took a few swings at the boxing bag they had in their home gym.
“I don’t fucking know. She mentioned a bar, a restaurant, but whatever it is, it sounded like she wanted something away from Pearl, wanted money fast and accessible?” Perkins replied.
Karl stopped hitting the bag and then looked at Perkins.
“That sounds weird.”
“You think so?” Perkins replied sarcastically, crossing his arms.
Karl shot him a look back. At first, when Perkins had walked in, Karl wondered if he was checking up on him. He’d had a few episodes this past month. Especially with Michael dying and some other shit going on in his head. It was one o’clock in the morning, and most people were sleeping, but not him or Perkins. Karl found it too difficult with the nightmares and the anxiety he felt most nights. Working out helped clear his head and also exhausted him.
“It could be nothing, you know?” Perkins said, letting his arms fall. His tone indicated that he was trying to convince himself of his statement.
“You don’t sound like you think it is. Could she be struggling financially and lied to you?” Karl asked, feeling his gut clench.
Perkins looked pissed off and shocked. His cheek caved in as if he were biting the inside of it, and his expression was serious as he glared straight ahead.
“If I find out she did, she’ll have one sore, pink ass from the spanking I’ll give her.”
“Fuck, Perkins. Do you need to say shit like that? Now I’ll be dreaming about her ass.”
“We dream about her whole body and hope one day she’ll be our woman. We’ve basically claimed her officially with Wyatt and with the others. She just doesn’t seem ready to accept us. If you heard her talking about wanting space from Pearl—from her friends with the organization—you would think she wasn’t interested in a relationship. I mean we haven’t come straight out and asked her how she felt about us being her guardians, but when Wyatt mentioned that we claimed the role, she should have understood what it meant. But even tonight, she was saying things that made me feel more like a friend. I think she believes we’ve claimed her out of responsibility to Michael and being his friends. We’ve fucked up somewhere.”
“It seems like she’s not focusing on us yet but still on Michael’s death and the changes she’s going through. They were pretty close. Even I scratch my head wondering why he had to speed that night and find it necessary to test fate?”
“You should know. The demons got to him. Just like they got to you that night we all decided to camp out between towns and funerals.”
Karl ran his fingers through his hair. “You had to fucking remind me about that.”
“Hey, all I’m saying is that we all have some baggage, some hang-ups that we can’t seem to shake. Could be she’s afraid to get romantically involved with us because of our professions and the type of men we are. Sometimes when I catch her watching me, she has this lost look in her eyes and seems scared.”
“Scared?” Karl asked.
“I held her tonight. Briefly and I stood next to her, real close like, and she was shaking.”
“Maybe she was aroused and trying to fight it?”
“I hope you’re right because I really care about her. I want her to be ours. I want to take that fear she has away. I want to make her smile.”
Karl bit the inside of his cheek.
“She hasn’t smiled in over a month. I mean really smiled. She looks so serious, and she doesn’t talk so freely ei
ther. I think we need to talk about this job thing with Dugen and Merlin and get their perspectives. Could be it’s time to step up the quality time we need with her.”
“And that she needs with us,” Perkins agreed, and then he headed to bed.
Karl looked at the punching bag, his mind back on not feeling so tired but, instead, concerned for Cynthia and worried about falling asleep alone and getting lost in a nightmare.
He took a deep breath, placed one hand on the bag, and then focused on a spot.
He began to punch and jab the bag. This was the only way to ensure some sleep tonight, exhausting himself until he was so tired he was dead to the world and too physically spent to dream.
* * * *
Cynthia was watching Dean as he sat in the chair in the waiting room. He was scheduled to see Dr. Chambers today, his usual therapy session. But he was also scheduled to see the orthopedist about his knee, which was bothering him. She kept her eyes on him because he seemed unstable at times, and he always seemed to be watching her when she wasn’t looking. It was difficult trying to be casual and calm around some of these men and women when, really, she didn’t know when one might snap or get all crazy and irate because she or someone else said the wrong thing. She was feeling on edge when her cell phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Sweet, sweet Cynthia. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that something was wrong with your phone.”
She swallowed hard and looked around her to make certain that no one would hear her. She was at work behind the desk and hadn’t looked at the caller I.D. before answering.
“Are you there?” Raul asked her.
“Yes,” she replied.
“Good. When are you sending another payment?” he asked as her heart pounded against her chest.
“Friday. I’ll send three hundred more.”
“Three hundred is not going to cut it.”
“I can’t send more. It’s all I have. I don’t even know why I have to pay you. This is Michael’s debt.”
“Because that’s how it works. You can blame him for it. I sent him shit when he needed it, and I was promised money. He went and got himself killed, so you’re next in line to pay his debt. Need I remind you how this works, Cynthia? You miss a payment and Dot visits you. I don’t think that shitty little house in the middle of some lame-ass town in Texas is my kind of place. What the fuck am I supposed to do with it? You’ve met Dot in person. I don’t think you want him to show up again.”
Soldiers of Pearl 5: Give Love a Chance (Siren Publishing Ménage Everlasting) Page 2