“You again.”
Markus is leaning against the railing, blocking the way in. When I see him, my stomach churns.
“Is Faron around?” I ask.
He tosses his cigarette in the dirt. “What are you? His girlfriend?”
“Please. I just want to talk to him.”
“Faron’s inside,” he says, jerking his head toward the open door.
I don’t want to go in there. The trailer smells like beer and sweat. A dirty bed sheet hangs over the window. Empty bottles are scattered on the floor where a couple of boys are stretched out in front of a giant television. They’re so into their video game, they don’t notice me. They shout at the screen, fingers twitching, faces blank. The pictures on the TV aren’t real, but it makes me sick, watching them pretend to kill people.
“Lucy?”
A hand brushes against my arm.
“What are you doing here?”
I can hear the shame in Faron’s voice. I want him to pull me into a hug. Make the pain go away.
“This is a safe house, isn’t it?” I say.
“Something like that.” Faron glances at the boys playing their video game. “This ain’t a place for you.”
“Because I’m not Old Order?”
“Don’t even go there,” he says.
The Rumspringa boys are staring big-time, but they don’t say anything as I walk inside the trailer. It’s so dark in here, I can barely see. The skinny boy with the backpack is slumped on the couch, looking lost.
“That boy,” I whisper, glancing across the room. “You were helping him run away, weren’t you?”
Faron turns his head away. “That’s right.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this place?” I ask, holding back tears.
“Didn’t think you would understand. Things are different in the real world. It ain’t Pinecraft. Not everybody’s your friend.”
The front door swings open and Markus steps into the trailer. He yanks down the visor of his baseball cap like he’s hiding from the dark.
“You guys look real cozy,” he says, glaring at me and Faron. “Maybe you should take it somewhere else.”
“Sounds good,” says Faron, grabbing my hand. He pulls me toward the dim hallway.
“Where are we going?” I glance up at Faron, but he’s looking straight ahead.
“Have fun,” Markus calls after him.
Faron tilts his head next to mine. His warm breath is close to my neck. “No worries,” he says. “We can talk easy in here.”
He leads me into a bedroom. There’s a mattress on the floor, circled by piles of dirty clothes. The only light is a candle in a glass, the same kind my dad burns during a hurricane.
Faron closes the door. “I’m sorry, fehlerfrei,” he says, sinking down on the edge of the mattress.
I sit next to him. It feels strange, being alone in the dark with a boy. “Sorry about what?” I ask, smoothing my skirt over my legs.
“All of this,” he mutters.
We’re both quiet. I can hear the boys shouting at their video game, making a big deal about killing the bad guys. Maybe the good guys too.
“The Sarasota police were at my house today,” I tell him.
“The police?” he says, leaning closer.
“Yeah, a lady sheriff.”
“Why? You didn’t do nothing.”
“Because Alice is my friend.”
“They think you know where she’s at?”
“No.” I swallow hard. “They think I’m the reason she’s gone.”
“I don’t get it,” he says. “You and me were at the beach that night. Alice took off by herself.”
“The police don’t know that. They think it’s weird that me and Alice didn’t leave the party together.”
Faron rubs his eyes, as if he can’t stand to look at the world anymore. “Never thought we’d be in so much trouble, just giving some kid a ride.”
“How did Tobias know about the safe house?” I ask.
“Word gets around,” says Faron. “There’s no place to go. Nobody who gives a damn. We pick someplace to meet, like the park tonight. They pay and I drive.”
“But what if Tobias isn’t Amish?”
“You’re thinking Alice met him back home?”
“Maybe,” I say, glancing at the quilt on the mattress. It’s an Old Order–style pattern, crisscrossed with yellow and blue squares.
“What makes you say that?”
Might as well tell the truth.
“Alice had a secret life.”
“That goes for all of us,” says Faron.
“It’s more than that,” I explain. “Alice used to play this game with Tobias. A fantasy game where you can be somebody else.”
I’m thinking hard. I saw Tobias in the parking lot that night, bragging about the car he wanted to buy.
. . . soon as I’m up north . . .
Did Tobias steal her money and go back north? I think about the fantasy games, how it’s easy to believe in something that’s not true. Did he trick her into believing he was for real?
There’s only one thing left to do.
“I have to go north and find Tobias.”
Faron shakes his head. “You’d be wasting your time.”
I’m the only one who understands those two worlds—Old Order and English. Nobody else can float between them. Not the way I can. If I go north, looking for Alice, I’ll be leaving everything behind. Everything I’ve ever known. A girl from Pinecraft doesn’t just get up and walk away. I’m supposed to sit quiet and still. Keep my mouth shut. Follow the rules.
I glance at the floor. That’s when I notice it. A palm frond sticking out of a mason jar. I remember that night when we stood on the bridge in Water Tower Park. Faron daring me to fetch the leaf. He kept it all this time.
Somebody knocks three times, startling me.
Markus hollers behind the door. “You keeping that girl all to yourself?”
Faron doesn’t look at me. His face etched in shadow, half lit by the candle, but I can tell he’s ashamed.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he tells me.
“Because of Markus? I’m not scared of him.”
Faron smiles. “I know. But maybe you should be,” he says, squeezing my hand. “I’ll walk you out.”
I follow him through the door. Markus is waiting in the hall. He shoves his arm in front of me.
“Going somewhere?”
He’s wasted. I can smell the beer on his breath. This isn’t good. When I try to step around him, it’s no use. He won’t budge. Then Faron gets in front of me.
“Move.”
“Not until I get a turn,” says Markus, stroking my hair.
“I said move.”
Faron swings back his fist. It happens so fast, I can’t believe what I’m seeing. Markus slams against the wall, groaning. He sort of crouches down, holding his head, like he’s going to stand up again.
He doesn’t.
“Come on,” says Faron, pulling me through the hallway.
When we reach the front porch, I search the road for Crystal’s van, but it’s not parked there anymore.
She’s gone.
Now I’ve lost another friend, just when I needed her most. I bet she got scared and took off. Not that I blame her. This place is strange to me too. The boys in the safe house, playing their killing games. The way Markus grabbed me like I was nothing more than a joke. Faron’s right. I don’t belong here.
Neither does he.
As we walk to the truck, he glances back at the house, watching the boys on the front porch. They’re watching us too. And they look angry.
“Why are they staring at us?” I ask.
“Come on, Lucy,” he says, looking over his shoulder. “Get in the truck.”
I stare right back at those boys. “Were you at that party?” I shout. “Did you see what happened to Alice?”
“They’re just kids. They don’t know anything,” says Faron.
The boys mutter at each other in Deitsch. One by one, they toss away their cigarettes and drift inside the trailer.
When the door finally closes, Faron jingles the keys on his belt. “I’ll take you home. Pinecraft is only a couple miles from here.”
“Because that’s what you do. Drive people around.”
He shrugs. “Or you could walk.”
“Fine.”
I’ve had enough of those boys. Let them sit on that porch until it collapses.
The truck’s faded red paint is scratched, making me think of Faron’s scars. His hands will always remind him of the pain, no matter how hard he tries to forget. He unlocks the passenger door and I climb inside.
“You got some nerve, talking back like that,” he says, but even in the dark, I can see him smiling.
The lucky rabbit’s foot dangles from the mirror. I reach up and pinch it between my fingers. It’s not soft like I imagined. Sharp bones poke through the brittle, tie-dyed fur. It’s just a dead animal’s foot.
Nothing magic about it.
chapter seventeen
ashes
On the way home, we drive past the empty lot. The stumps are in a heap by the road.
“Can you pull over for a minute?” I ask Faron.
“You really want to go back there?”
I nod.
My heart is pounding as we get out and walk through the charred grass. There’s a pile of concrete bricks stacked for a new house. They’ve already dug a swimming pool. The shallow end is flooded with dirty rainwater. Steps tilt into the muck, going nowhere.
Faron shines his flashlight across the lot. “These fancy new houses take up a lot of space. Wish they’d all burn down.” He picks up a rock and throws it at the pile of concrete. “You’ve got broken glass everywhere,” he says, nudging a beer bottle with his sneaker. “Then they chop down all the trees. No more shade and a lot of dry brush. That’s an accident waiting to happen.”
I stare at the ground, where a chain of footprints stamps the dirt. The pattern reminds me of a leaf threaded by a ribbon. Where have I seen it before?
“It wasn’t an accident.”
He looks at me. “What’s that?”
“Somebody set the fire on purpose.”
“You saw them?”
I didn’t see. All I have is faith to go by. Yet I know what I believe is true.
I take a deep breath. “It was Tobias.”
Faron is quiet.
“I didn’t think you’d believe me.”
“Come on, Lucy. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I’ll show you.”
We walk across the lot. “See? His sneakers left tracks in the dirt.”
“What makes you so sure it’s Tobias? Could’ve been the workers.”
“They don’t wear fancy sneakers like this. Besides. He never cared about Alice. All he cares about is money. At least, that’s what it sounded like.”
“What do you mean?” asks Faron.
“I heard him talking that night. And I heard you too.”
He blinks. “When was this?”
“You were in the truck, waiting for me and Alice at the drugstore. Tobias was talking about cars. You said it’s not worth driving if you can’t go fast.”
I watch his face. He’s confused. Maybe a little scared. “Did you talk to Tobias? He told you, right? That’s how you know.” He still doesn’t get it.
“You said I was the quiet one.”
Faron shakes his head. “Yeah, well I was wrong about that.”
I’m still not sure if he believes me. But for now, his smile is enough.
As we walk to the truck, I take a closer look at that pile of concrete. The bricks are clean. They weren’t damaged in the fire. I remember the burning smell, the morning after Alice disappeared.
“Do you think Tobias came back here after the party?” I ask.
Faron shrugs. “Why would he do that?”
“He was looking for Alice. She told me they got in a fight. When I left the party, he was trying to find her. What if Tobias came back here?”
“Makes sense,” says Faron. “This is the last place they were together.”
“He was really wasted,” I say, remembering how angry he was that night. “What if Tobias came back here and set the fire?”
We’re both quiet for a moment.
“Lucy,” he finally says. “Why are you so damn smart?”
“I’m not that smart. I just read too much.”
“Says who?”
“My dad.”
“Well, he’s wrong.”
• • •
Sunlight dribbles through the orange trees in my front yard. It’s early, but Dad’s already working outside. He’s pushing the wheelbarrow by the tool shed, his face shielded by a straw hat. I sink down a little lower in the truck, hoping he doesn’t see me.
“That’s your dad, right?” says Faron.
I nod.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “It would only make things worse.”
I’m in so much trouble right now. More trouble than I’ve ever been. Dad must be so disappointed in me. I feel bad because I hurt him. But I don’t feel ashamed about staying out all night. That’s the confusing part.
“Your dad’s a carpenter, huh?” says Faron. “My dad too.”
“How did you guess?”
“The gazebo in the yard. Looks pretty solid,” he says. “Good Amish craftsmanship, right?”
“We built it together. Me and my dad.”
“You?” he says.
“Got the calluses to prove it,” I say, lifting my hands.
“Man, you’re something else. I never met any girls like you before.”
“You mean Amish girls?”
“No,” he says. “You’re different from any girl I’ve ever known.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“That’s a very good thing,” he says.
I don’t say it out loud, but Faron’s different too. He’s not like the Rumspringa boys in the safe house. He’s stronger than all of them.
I just wish he believed it.
He puts his hand on my knee. “When can I see you?”
I need to think of a plan. Dad isn’t going to let me leave the house. That’s for sure.
“Can we meet up tonight?” I ask.
“Where?”
“Pinecraft Park.”
I figure the park is safe enough. It’s not that far from my house. Most of the time, it’s empty at night. And that’s a good thing. In Pinecraft, there’s always somebody up in your business.
He squeezes my hand. “I’ll be there.”
When I climb out of the truck, Dad doesn’t say anything. He marches in front of me, blocking the way.
Please God. Don’t let him get too mad.
Why am I talking to the Lord?
He’s probably mad at me too.
Dad watches the truck speed down Kruppa Avenue. “Must be nice having no responsibilities.”
“It won’t happen again.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve made that promise. But it’s the second time I’ve broken it.
“You’re right. It won’t happen again,” Dad says. “Because I won’t have you chasing after a Rumspringa boy.”
It’s so unfair, the way he’s judging me.
“Faron’s not on Rumspringa. He’s not even with the Old Order anymore. That’s why he’s been shunned.”
“Either you’re Amish or you’re not. You can’t pick and choose.”
“I thought Rumspringa was supposed to be a choice.”
“You are not on Rumspringa, Lucy. And you’re old enough to know right from wrong. Do you want to end up like your friend, Alice?”
Now he’s judging her too?
“You’re talking like the Old Order is messed up and we’re so perfect.”
“No, we aren’t perfect,” Dad says. “But let me tell you something, Lucy. We are differ
ent from the Old Order. We have rules.”
“What if I don’t like the rules?”
He frowns. “You want to run that by me again?”
“I can’t stay in Pinecraft forever.”
I’ve finally said it.
I wait for Dad to start yelling. Instead, he sighs. “Fine. You’ve got time to decide.”
He doesn’t say choose.
All this time, I’ve been holding my dream inside. Keeping my mouth shut. Watching from a distance, quiet as a ghost.
I’m not going to be quiet anymore.
“Dad, I’ve already made my decision.”
“And what’s that?”
“I want to go to college and study the ocean.”
He shakes his head. “The ocean’s right here. What do you need school for?”
Dad can’t understand why I spend hours at the library. He says I’m filling my head with lies. He doesn’t believe in a world that changes and grows. That’s not how the Lord made it. But I think the Lord’s too big for a world that small.
“It’s not just about school. I want to keep learning new things. But I can’t do that if I stay here.”
“You are hurting me, Lucy,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “I was up all night, thinking the worst. Does it even matter to you?”
Yeah, it matters.
A lot.
“Nothing happened,” I say, lowering my head.
“And you expect me to believe you?”
“Please. Just listen.”
“I’m done listening.”
Right then, I wish Dad would hit me. At least the pain would be quick. Instead, it’s hidden deep inside where I can’t get away from it.
“Come with me,” he says, walking behind the house.
This is going to be bad.
I follow him into the shade of the orange grove. All the trees are lined up in rows, as tidy as stitches on a quilt. Dad crouches beside my favorite tree. There’s an axe buried deep in its trunk.
“Can’t save it, once the canker takes hold,” he says, passing the axe to me.
“Not that one.”
He shrugs. “It’s got the sickness.”
“But that’s my tree.”
“I’m sorry, Lucy. It has to be done.”
“Please don’t make me do this.” I’m begging him.
Dad’s already walking away. “Better cut it down. Or else the canker will spread to the others.”
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