Even If It Breaks Me

by Dominique Laura

  His honesty surprised me. He was in the same situation that I was in, trying to heal a broken heart while moving on with life. It wasn’t an easy feat to do.

  “I’m sorry.” I frowned. “I understand that. More than you know.”

  “Yeah?” His lips tilted in a smile. “I wouldn’t mind trying … something with you. I just want it to be private, something between you and I. For some reason, when things go public, other people interfere and ruin it. Every single time. So, let’s get to know each other. Just you and me. We could stay friends or we could be more, we won’t know unless we try. College is about having fun, right? So why not have fun with each other?”

  “That’s quite the line, Dylan. Who knew you were such a softy?” I joked.

  “It’s my best-kept secret. Shh, don’t tell anyone.” He gave my hands a gentle squeeze.

  “Your secret is safe with me.” I pressed my forehead against his. This was sure to be a bad idea. There was no scenario where it played out into a good one, but he was steady, and he gave me butterflies. I hadn’t felt those in a long time. Maybe this is what I needed. A temporary infatuation to heal the broken parts of me. “Okay. We can try, but it needs to stay between us. Like you said, when other people get involved it only makes things go horribly wrong.”

  He pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “You won’t regret this, Jade.”

  “I already do.” I brought his lips back to mine, smiling against them. “This is probably going to be my favorite regret ever.”

  “It better be,” he said, pressing a kiss at the corner of my mouth.

  “Wait,” I said, pulling away from him. We were being way too open already and it had only been a few minutes. “I thought this was supposed to be private?”

  “It is?” He didn’t sound sure.

  “We’re already basically making out in public.”

  “Actually, we’re kissing in the corner of a dark room while everyone else pays attention to the movie.” He used his fingertips to move my head toward the rest of the room, giving me a better visual of everyone else.

  “Huh,” I bit my bottom lip, slightly embarrassed. “I honestly didn’t realize it had started.”

  “You’re boosting my ego, and we aren’t even five minutes in.” He pressed a hand to his chest, holding in his laugh. I shook my head and rolled my eyes, moving off of his lap to sit beside him.

  “You’re so full of yourself.”

  “You’re about to be full of me soon.”

  “Gross.” I pinched his side. “Hilarious. But gross. Of course you have a dirty side though. I’m not even surprised. Don’t tell me pillow talk is on your list of hobbies.”

  “It is.” His eyes widened dramatically. “How did you know?”

  “Just a lucky guess.” I shrugged my shoulders then moved so that my back was pressed against the wall. His hand found mine again.

  He gave me a reassuring squeeze, repeating his earlier words. “You won’t regret this, Jade.”

  “I know.” I didn’t sound so sure. “It’s just fun. We all need to have it at some point.”

  “Exactly.”

  I was in trouble. My heart raced, fear fueling its pace. I ignored its cries, like I had before.

  I could do this. I could move on.

  I would.

  Studying. The basis of college. Usually I’d spend my days in the library but, since it had been raining all day, I decided to stay in my room. That decision was soon regretted when I heard my best friend’s voice drift through our apartment. “Jade, get over here. I need you!”

  I could have easily acted like I hadn’t heard her but that would have resulted in her running into my room and dragging me out against my will. It had happened several times before and I still wasn’t used to it. I set my book down and stood up, all of the joints in my body popping and cracking as I did. Sometimes when lost in a good story, I forgot to switch my reading positions, no matter how uncomfortable they might’ve been.

  “What is it, Becca?” Her feet were propped up on our kitchen counter, a look of excitement on her face. Yeah, this definitely wasn’t going to be good.

  “Guess who I ran into today?”

  “I don’t know. Who?” I asked, slightly guarded.

  “Your boyfriend Dylan.”

  I rolled my eyes, laughing at her ridiculousness. She acted like she hadn’t just seen him the night before. It had been a year since Dylan and I started our thing and somewhere in the middle we had decided to label it and make it official. He still didn’t know much about my past and though I knew it would come up eventually, I was happy. It turned out he had been exactly what I needed. He was the opposite of everything Tian was—honest, faithful, and fun.

  My heart ached whenever my mind jumped to Tian. I pushed the pain away, like I always did. “Okay? And?”

  “He looked so in love I almost gagged. He’s the definition of perfect for you and I am so freaking thrilled.” Her eyes watered with prideful tears. She flicked them away, chuckling. “Anyway, I told him we’d meet him at the pizza place tonight.”

  “You know I have that paper to work on.”

  “You’re so nerdy, it’s cute.”

  “I’m determined to keep my grades up, but sure, nerdy works too.”

  “Just don’t study too hard because we’re going out tonight and I need you looking fresh, not all studied out.”

  I rolled my eyes, knowing I’d have little to no say in that decision, but also loving that she pushed me out of my comfort zone. “Fine. Just let me know when you want to get ready.”

  Her hands clapped together with glee. “It’s like Christmas all over again.”

  I shook my head, laughing as I went back into the solace of my room.

  “I envy your naturally tan skin.” Becca’s lips formed a pout. “I’d have to lay out in the sun for hours to even get a smudge of color close to that.”

  “I like your complexion.” I leaned into the mirror, applying a shade of dark red lipstick that complimented my skin tone. I smacked my lips together. “I can’t imagine you any other way honestly.”

  “Any other way than what? Pale and pasty with freckles splattered across my nose?” She rolled her eyes, pinching her cheeks to give them more color.

  “Hey!” I pointed at her, jabbing my finger into the air. “I love those freckles! They’re like little specks of sunshine or something.”

  We both laughed.

  “Gosh, you’re lucky I love you otherwise I’d probably throw a shoe at you right now.”

  “Right.” I shook my head. “So, are you meeting anyone there tonight?”

  “Nope,” she said with a pop. “You know me, having fun, one guy at a time.”

  “Becca, that’s okay, you know that right?”

  “Of course I do, but,” she paused, looking thoughtful and unsure for a beat. “Seeing how you are with Dylan. You’ve finally gotten your happily ever after and sometimes I wonder what that’s like.”

  “It wasn’t easy, Becca. Remember how long it took me to open up to him? And he still doesn’t know the whole story. We’re taking it one day at a time. We’re far from perfect.”

  “But you’re pretty close. I love that you’re in love. Happiness is a good look on you.”

  In love.

  I cared about him, but that four letter word hadn’t been said, at least from my end. Dylan shared the sentiment a few times a week, but if it bothered him that I hadn’t, he didn’t let it show. For that I was grateful.

  “I miss him sometimes.” I quietly confessed, my voice sounding tired as I spoke. “I regret not picking up the phone that night. I mean, how different would things be if I had? But I didn’t. And he just disappeared. He was never one for social media anyway, but I wonder how he is sometimes.”

  “Oh, Jade. You shouldn’t do that to yourself.”

  “I know, but I can’t help it. My heart, the part that once belonged to him, even with its scars and battle wounds, can’t help it. It sounds silly. I know. I
should let it go. Completely. But I never got closure, and I don’t think I ever will, not with him basically disappearing.”

  “You really have no idea where he went?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “But then again, I never really looked.”

  “Are you going to start now?”

  “No. I can’t do that to Dylan. I’m just being ridiculous. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m glad you told me. Besides, it’s been almost two years. You were like this last year around this time too.”

  “I was?” I asked, confused.

  “Yeah, but it’s okay, Jade. Really. It’s your way of healing.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so.” She flipped her hair over her jacket. “Now, let’s go have some fun tonight.”

  “Finally. The mushy stuff is draining.” I walked toward the front door. “Let’s go get our drink on.”

  “Just our drink?”

  “Well, our flirt on too but I didn’t want to seem too eager. Besides, Dylan is probably going crazy. I was too busy getting ready that I spaced on texting him back,” I said over my shoulder.

  A smirk appeared on her face. “You know, we both look positively irresistible tonight. I might have to rethink my gender preference.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me, and I lightly shoved her arm in response.

  It was an ongoing joke that if in our future lifetimes we were attracted to women, we would just date each other since it would make the search for companionship one hundred times easier. It was always good to have a back-up plan.

  I assessed our outfits, agreeing with her statement. We did look pretty darn good. I envied her curves. She was able to pull off just about anything. I, on the other hand, needed a little extra help, which is why I stuck to tight jeans and tops that flowed so that I was able to show off my best features. It worked for me, and I liked the way I felt in a good pair of jeans. They hadn’t deceived me yet.

  “Tonight, we let loose. No talk or worry about school, got it?” She asked sternly.

  “Yeah, yeah, I got it.” I laughed. “So, you bringing anyone home tonight?”

  “Yeah, I may have invited a couple of friends. So, I might need you to wing woman until Dylan shows up.”

  “Oh, he’s going to love that.” I shook my head at her. “You’re playing with fire.”

  “Yeah, well, life is more exciting that way.”

  Becca winked at me as we exited our apartment building and headed for the car. I vowed to have fun tonight, to enjoy my night with Dylan. The pain was still there, always lingering. I had a twisting feeling that it always would be, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try to be happy. Dylan Conrad could make me happy. He already had.

  The place was in full swing. Of course it was. It was a Friday night and the beginning of the semester, which meant there were students already out trying to blow off some steam. The pizza parlor, with its weekly DJ night, had turned into a sort of party spot. It was the perfect place to blow off steam.

  I followed Becca to the makeshift bar top, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. Becca did that enough for the both of us. She was a bright light where others were dulled out. She made it look effortless. Whenever I tried to exude that much positivity, I felt like a fraud. Happiness shouldn’t be tried, it should just happen. Which was my new goal in life: to find effortless happiness.

  “We’ll take two shots of tequila.” I gaped at her. She smiled at my reaction, leaning into the bar. “Actually, make that two shots each. So, four.”

  “I’m not trying to puke all night, Becca.”

  “What’s a little puke when you’ll get a night full of unforgettable fun?”

  “Forgetting is exactly what I’ll do if I drink those shots.” I gripped the edge of the stool in front of me. “You know what tequila does to me.”

  She gave me a dubious look. “That’s precisely why we’re doing this. It’s the beginning of the semester and it’s time you start acting like a crazed college student before the real world calls upon you.”

  “Poetic, Becca. But fine.” I conceded. “But these are the only two I’m having.”

  “Of course, they are.” She didn’t sound convinced.

  “I’m serious.” I scolded.

  “Uh huh.”

  As the shots were placed in front of us with slices of lime attached to each one, I took a deep breath. “I’m not kidding, Becca.”

  “Neither am I.” She smirked.

  She raised her glass to mine and I did the same. As we took our first rounds of the night, I silently prayed to whoever was listening that the toilet wouldn’t be my best friend that night.

  I couldn’t see straight. The world was spinning around me and the only thing I could do was stand and watch it happen. And by stand, I mean wobble like a child learning to walk. At least I was still coherent enough to move around. That was a positive, right?

  “Jade! We have to dance to this song!” Becca’s voice was high pitched, and I had to fight not to cringe.

  “Weren’t we just dancing with those guys you invited?”

  At the reminder, we both looked around in search of them but they were nowhere in sight. My stomach churned at the quick movements. Huh. Guess the toilet would be my best friend after all.

  “They left us.” Her face contorted in confusion and anger. “I can’t believe it. I was a sure thing. Rude. Just rude.”

  “Well, you’re single,

  “Let’s just dance on our own. Dylan should be here soon.” My voice slurred. I fought back a hiccup and tried to ignore the foul smell of dried out tequila that kept assaulting my senses every two seconds.

  “You’re right. Totally right.” She nodded her head. “Shouldn’t he have been here by now?”

  “Yeah, but maybe he got caught up somewhere? Who knows?” I looked around, searching for him. I frowned, looking at my phone.

  I sighed, relieved to see he had texted.

  Dylan: Got caught up. I’ll be there soon. Our spot.

  I smiled. It was our spot, wasn’t it?

  “Why are you smiling all goofy-like? Are you ready to dance or not?” Becca started to dance.

  I nodded, joining her. We moved our bodies to the beat of the music. The more we danced, the more it felt like I was creating my own beat. But as long as I was having fun, I didn’t really care if I looked ridiculous or not.

  “Oh. My. Gosh,” Becca said, enunciating every word. Her fingers wrapped around my arm, halting me to a stop. “Don’t look but your man is here with Erin.”

  “You mean our friend Erin?” I laughed.

  “I mean the same Erin he hooked up with last year.”

  “When they were both single and he and I had just met?” I turned, my body buzzing with excitement at seeing Dylan. It had been too long. All week, we’d spent maybe an hour together. I was ready for some time with him. “I trust him, okay? They’re friends, Becca. Friends are allowed.”

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” She grumbled. “Wait, seriously, don’t turn around.”

  After several attempts, I finally turned out of her grasp. But as I did, my foot caught on something.

  I saw it coming. I felt it in slow motion. I even prepared myself for the impact. What I wasn’t prepared for was a pair of strong hands to grip my shoulders and prevent me from falling head first into the hard floor. I heard a gasp from beside me and realized it was Becca. Her eyes narrowed. I moved my hands up the arms holding me up and tried to catch my balance. As I turned my head to check on my best friend, a strong jaw caught my attention and held me captive. I’d know that face anywhere. My breath hitched as realization hit me. I had gone almost two years hoping and not hoping for this moment and now it was staring me right in the face.

  My mouth dried, and I felt like gasping for air. “Tian?”

  “Jade.” Tian’s eyes searched my face.

  I looked at his hands, still holding me up, and pulled away like I had been burned. How much had I had to drink?


  I swallowed past the dryness, or tried to, anyway. My buzz wasn’t as strong. And my fingers itched to feel the face in front of me. I shook my head.

  No. You’re stronger than this, Jade.

  As badly as I had missed the guy standing in front of me, the truth was I had no idea who he was. I needed to remember that. I needed to hold onto that. I needed to be strong. The only problem was that sometimes want was stronger than need, especially with alcohol flowing through my system and clouding my judgment.

  Darn. Why does he have to be here?

  We continued to stare at one another, neither one of us moving or making a sound. Even as the song changed and people danced around us, some bumping us from all sides, we remained silent.

  Slowly, ever so slowly, I pulled further away from him, moving closer to Becca, my best friend, my comfort.

  “You were going to fall.” Tian’s voice came out strained, like it pained him to speak to me.

  I flinched at the literal and figurative meaning behind those words. There was a time when I had fallen—for him.

  Realizing he wasn’t going to leave without a response, I gave him a nod. One I hoped would be enough of an acknowledgment that he would walk away and he’d go back to wherever it was he had come from.

  “Are you going to say something?”

  That earned him a glare. He had to be joking, right?

  “It’s been two years, Jade.”

  “I’m well aware of how long it’s been, thank you very much.”

  His face contorted at my words. I was grateful for the alcohol coursing my veins because without it, I would have fallen at his feet or turned into an incompetent mess otherwise.

  “Jade.” His voice was a plea and my heart constricted. I had missed him in the beginning, and though I still thought of him sometimes, I didn’t miss him. Not anymore. Maybe if he had showed up a year earlier. Maybe.

  “We should go, Jade.”

  Becca’s fingers gripped mine and I let her pull me away. As we reached the exit, I turned around and vowed that this would be the final time. I just needed to see him one last time.

  My eyes connected with his and I let him see the pain he had caused. The same pain I had kept locked away since our fall out. I let him see it, and I knew the exact moment he saw because his eyes widened a fraction and his fingers brushed through his short hair. It was a gesture he only did when he was anxious, frustrated, or nervous. It was a gesture I had grown all too familiar with during our … whatever it was.