“Okay, now where were we?” I teased.
“I was about to put you on that bed right there and make love to you for the first time as my fiancée.”
“Say that again and again. I am so happy, Brad.” Something didn’t feel right. All of a sudden, I felt a little dizzy. “Whoa. I have got to sit down. I’m feeling a little strange.” I stumbled to the edge of the bed.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m sure it’s from all the excitement tonight. Now take that jacket off and get over here. Stand right in front of me, please.”
“So polite, Gertie.” Brad laughed.
“There’s something I’ve been thinking about dooo—in’ to ya.” My words slurred out and my hands felt like I had ski gloves on. I worked at trying to get Brad’s belt undone and his pants unbuttoned. “Come on, come on out. Jesus. I feel like a second rate snake charmer. I can’t seem to find your tallywhacker. Did it crawl down to the other side err sumthin?”
“Uh, Gertie. That’s because you’ve been digging around my belly button. Are you okay?”
“Oh. Must have been that wine tonight.” Finally, Brad’s rock hard erection was free. I opened my mouth wide while my seemingly giant hands clumsily tried to get a grip on Brad’s throbbing member. “Relax, Brad. I practiced on a banana. Ba na naaa.” The sound of the word struck me as the most ridiculous thing and I laughed uncontrollably as I tried to get my mouth on it.
“Are you all right, Gertie? I think maybe you should lay down for a while.” Brad’s puzzled look only added to the comedic effect.
“I know. I probably look like a drunken monkey trying to eat a banana.” I tried to concentrate and get my act together. I placed the tip on my lips and a ridiculous image came to mind. The laughter returned, and I was nearly in hysterics. I could barely breathe. “Oh…ha ha ha. I feel like a drunken Jabba the Hut trying to play a clarinet! I’m all out of sorts.”
“What did your doctor give you anyway?”
My mouth finally found its target. “Birfconelg uck.” I gagged and pulled my mouth away. “I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk with a big penis in your mouth. Birth control.” That was it. I rolled back on the bed and doubled up. I was a completely useless pile of giggling.
My laughter slowed to sobs and then I heard it. The sound of Vasili’s haunting melody. It floated up from the darkness below my bedroom window. Brad walked over to the window and looked around the yard. “I think someone is out there. Whistling.”
I was getting incredibly sleepy. I yawned. “Oh, that’s just Vasili.”
“Vasili? Who’s Vasili?”
“Some guy that came around this morning. He’s been trying to seduce me all day. But don’t worry, I didn’t kiss him back.” I covered my mouth with both hands as if I wanted to stuff all of the words safely back in my mouth. That was the last thing I remembered before I fell asleep.
Chapter Twelve
A Monster Is Revealed
I heard voices of women talking. Randy was saying something to them. I cracked open my eyelids and immediately covered my head with a sheet. The sun came through the window and I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. The sun! It only comes through that window in the afternoon. What happened last night?
“Brad? Brad, are you here?” My heart fell with the realization that the room was Bradless. I gathered the sheet around my naked body and like an old Greek statue that had been brought to life, I wandered cautiously from the sitting room to the bathroom. Brad was gone. I was just about to go to the door to see who was downstairs when Randy walked in. Marie, Esmeralda, and Wanda, the paranormal veterinarian, followed him into my room.
“You’re finally awake,” Randy said in a somber tone. The other witches all had the same concerned look on their faces.
“What’s going on? Where’s Brad?” My voice was shaky and my body soon followed suit. I was as wobbly as a newborn fawn. A greeting like the one I was getting could only mean one thing, something terrible had happened.
Marie put her hand on my shoulder. “Gertie. Sit down.”
My lips trembled. I wanted to ask again, but I was afraid to know what was coming next. Randy sat next to me. “Listen, we don’t know where Brad is. All I know is that when I got up this morning, I saw the door to the cow shed was open. I walked in and I found Vasili tied to a post. He’s alive but pretty beat up. Wanda took a look at him, gave him something, and he’s sleeping now. I tried calling Brad’s cellphone a few times, but he never answered. I got the number to the fire station and he hasn’t been there. Do you think Brad had anything to do with the beating Vasili took?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I fell asleep on him. Those birth control pills the shrink gave me made me all loopy. I passed out.”
“Now can anyone else tell me how many things they find absolutely bizarre about that?” Esmeralda asked.
“Gertie, where are these pills?” Marie asked.
“In the bathroom medicine cabinet.” Marie nodded to Esmeralda. Without saying a word, she went to retrieve my pills.
“The only pills are these.” Esmeralda carried the bottle in her hand. “Diazepam, not birth control. Valium of course. They were prescribed by a psychiatrist.”
“How many of those pills did you take?” Randy asked.
“Three, I think.” My memory was a little fuzzy. “You know, we usually do it more than just once. I figured that was how it worked.”
“So you thought you needed a valium for each orgasm. Yep. That makes perfect sense.” Esmeralda shook her head in disbelief.
Randy gasped. “Jesus, Gertie. No wonder you’ve been asleep all day.”
Marie reached out and touched Wanda’s arm. “Wanda? Would you please check on Gertie? Make sure she didn’t poison herself.”
“Of course.” The tiny old witch was dressed in green hospital scrubs. She opened a black leather doctor’s bag and took out a rolled up purple cloth. “Been a while since I’ve treated a witch.” She unfurled the cloth and I could see a number of bizarre metal instruments. Wanda lifted out one that looked like a magnifying glass with an orange lens. “Ah. This takes me back to anatomy class. Dissecting victims of the black plague.”
Wanda’s words sent a chill up my spine and after a look at those medieval surgeon’s tools, I was thankful that I hadn’t mentioned the ring in my stomach. “You wouldn’t be dissecting me now, would you, Wanda?”
“No, not today. Unfortunately. Now get in your birthday suit. I’m going to look you over.” Wanda shook the magnifying glass at me.
Reluctantly, I peeled away the sheet. “Don’t you think that if you can see through my skin with that thing, you could see through a cotton sheet?”
“Shush.” She squinted as she raised and lowered the lens from her eye. “Aha. Uh hum. Yes. This is very interesting.” Tinged with excitement, Wanda handed the device to Marie. “Take a look at this.”
“What is it?” I begged to know. Really, what can be more anxiety inducing than having a doctor peer into your innards and act like they’ve just found an anatomical oddity that would make it into a Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum.
Esmeralda paused her nail buffing to chime in with her snark laden commentary. “Wanda, you don’t need that lens to see what’s wrong with her.”
Marie took the magic magnifying glass and carefully examined me. “I see what you mean. I can hardly believe it. It’s obviously a magic object.”
I was getting more than nervous. “What? What is it?”
Marie handed the glass back to Wanda. Her brow was furrowed and she spoke carefully to me. “Gertie, did you know that you are carrying a diamond ring inside of you?”
“Yes, I do know! Can you take it out?”
“What’s it doing there?” Wanda asked.
“Ugh. It’s sort of a long story. Brad was about to propose to me last night.”
“Okay. Let’s make sure I have this right. Brad proposes. You swallow the ring. Yep. You can’t make this kind of stuff up.” Esmeralda quipp
ed.
I interrupted Esmeralda’s deadpan comedy act to explain. “Well yes, and no. I mean it was an accident. I was hoping you’d be able to help out. So this is perfect timing.”
Wanda put her magnifying glass back in the purple cloth. “The ring won’t be going anywhere. It appears to have somehow embedded itself deep in your womb. Remarkable, really. Magical for sure to get there from where it started. It’s almost as if it’s....hiding…or hibernating inside of you. That ring is in a safe place and I recommend it stays there. What do you think, Marie?”
“Yes, I think so.” Marie took a deep breath and I could tell she was deep in thought. “Gertie, who else knows that you have this ring inside of you?”
It seemed like a strange thing to ask me, but my answer was simple. “Brad and some people at the hospital emergency room. Why?”
“Good.” Marie stated. “That is no ordinary ring. Did Brad tell you anything about it? Where he got it?”
“No. Nothing. Now I don’t even know where he is. Do you think the ring and his disappearance are related?”
Marie remained calm and it helped to reassure me. “Well, we’ll sort that all out.” She thought a little more before continuing. “Randy told me all about your visitor, the satyr.”
I was really taken aback. “Huh? A satyr? What kind of stories were you telling, Randy?”
“Whoa! I didn’t say anything about a satyr. I told her about that little goat and how it broke through the window. Then I told her about Vasili. Marie, I even showed you his business card. I’ve got it right here.” Randy took the card from his wallet and read the name. “Vasili Tragos Satirios, Handyman. That’s a far cry from a satyr. And besides, I thought satyrs had goat’s legs and horns. I’ve never heard of them being shifters.”
Marie was astounded. “You two didn’t figure it out? Of course Vasili is a satyr! Mes petit idiots!”
Randy started looking for cover. “Oh shit, Gertie! She’s yelling in Creole. Here comes the Voodoo.”
Esmeralda smacked Randy in the back of the head. “French, not Creole. She called you idiots, her little idiots. Idiot.”
Marie nearly grunted her reply to Randy. “And yes, of course they shift between goat and human form. A satyr wouldn’t be a very attractive or effective seducer with goat’s legs and horns. Look at his name. Tragos? It’s Greek for billy goat. And Satirios sure sounds a lot like satyr to me. Seriously, you imbeciles are witches, you specialize in paranormal creatures. Yet you let a dangerous creature like a satyr sneak into your home?”
“Actually, I invited him in.” Randy cautiously pointed out.
“Oh, even better! What is wrong with you two?” Marie’s voice boomed. We had nothing to say. All I could do is look at Randy and blush while Marie continued her tirade. “Let me go over the chain of events and then I want you both to think about all of the clues you missed. As witches involved in the dealing with paranormal creatures, these clues should have slapped you in the face with the realization that you are being played like the fools you are. First, a stray goat with a mysterious inscription on its collar, no less, follows you home. Later, this same strange goat breaks into your house. You remove the collar and then you never see the goat again. The very next day a mysterious man shows up. He’s charming, enchanting, and even hypnotic. This stranger tries to seduce you. He fascinates you by whistling a haunting melody. But why should you have any desire for this man? It’s unlike you. You’re confused. After all, you are madly in love with Brad. You can even picture yourself as Mrs. Brad. But for some very strange reason, you desire, yes even crave, Vasili. You have a nearly unbridled lust for his body.”
“I’m in!” Esmeralda raised her hand. “Sign me up for a date with that satyr! Pronto! It sounds like a delicious way to spend a weekend, or a month.”
Then Randy tried to call out Esmeralda for her own missed observation. “Esmeralda, I do believe you met the satyr. Why didn’t you pick up on his true identity?”
“Probably because he was too busy giving Gertie some sort of pelvic thrust and drooling all over her scrawny ass. Why he wanted an uncomfortable ride in the base model Ford Fiesta when he could have gotten a ride in the pink Cadillac,” Esmeralda pointed toward her waist with both hands, “it’s beyond me. But I’m willing to give him another shot, if you know what I mean.”
Then I remembered something from that first meeting in the kitchen. “Esmeralda! You make a great point! Why me? You approached him and he backed away. Why was he intimidated by you?”
Randy threw his arms up. “Hello! You’re talking about Esmeralda. She has that effect on everyone, not just lusty satyrs.” Esmeralda gave Randy a fresh smack on the back of his head. “Ouch! Maaareee, Esmeralda is hurting me again. Give her the Voodoo.” Randy used his best impersonation of a whining child.
“Silence! Or I’ll lay some Voodoo across both of your asses.” Marie scolded him before turning her attention back to speculating on Vasili’s retreat from Esmeralda. “Now that is an interesting point. He sought out Gertie. Why? He was afraid of Esmeralda. Why?” Marie paced around. “Esmeralda, were you carrying anything on you when Vasili backed away?”
“Just that messenger bag with the list of wedding guests and that old book you wanted me to drop off with Gertie.”
Marie raised a triumphant fist in front of her. “Ah ha! That’s it. The book! Yes, of course. It is a type of grimoire and also a bestiary. Randy, can you bring it here please? Let’s see what is in there that would frighten a satyr.”
“Be right back with it.” Randy stated and then he spun back around. “Marie? Do you want me to see if Vasili is awake? We could question him.”
Marie explained her strategy. “Don’t talk to the satyr yet. Let’s try to figure out as much as we can. He’ll lie to us. From what I’ve heard about satyrs, they’re habitual liars. But if that book holds some powerful spell against him…I’m not above threatening him to get the truth and find out where Brad is.” Randy nodded in agreement and went off to retrieve the book.
Chapter Thirteen
Questions Answered
I had a lot of questions about the ring. Especially once I learned that it likely held some magic. “Marie? Can you tell me anything more about the ring? I’m positive that it couldn’t have anything to do with Vasili. He started nosing around here hours before Brad even brought the ring down to Louisiana. Could this magic ring help me find Brad?”
“Before I answer that, has anyone seen Wanda? I didn’t realize she left.” Marie asked as she looked around.
“Wanda’d off, I would imagine.” Esmeralda replied.
“Boo!” I gave Esmeralda a thumbs down.
“Seriously.” Marie frowned. “Where did she go?”
Esmeralda moved her nail file to her other hand. “Oh, yeah. She said something about going to check on Vasili. That was back when you were busy chastising Gertie and Randy.”
“I hope she keeps her distance from that satyr.” The sound of approaching footsteps caused Marie to stop talking. It was Randy, returning with the book. “Thank you, Randy. Now, let’s talk about this satyr...” She set the book on the bed and opened it. She flipped through the aged leaves until she found what she wanted to show us. “Here. This is what a satyr looks like. Not what you’ve been led to believe, is it?”
We all looked at the artist’s rendering of a handsome naked man. He was standing in a meadow with several naked and apparently unconscious women lying on the ground at his feet. The look on the satyr’s face was unnerving. Only two words came to mind when I saw the satyr’s expression, proud and evil.
“Wow! Get a look at the schlong on that guy.” Randy pointed to the oversized and erect phallus of the satyr.
“I can see why they’re all passed out.” Esmeralda laughed.
Marie continued. “Forget everything you’ve probably heard from Greek mythology about goat legged freaks with horns. Legends of the satyrs predate even the ancient Greeks. They’re a race of shifters. Goat shifters. Stories a
bout these ancient goat demons have existed for thousands of years. They’ve gained a legendary reputation for seducing women in order to dominate them. Enslave them. Now, I’ve never met a satyr, but if the stories are true, I’d say they are more like pigs than goats. And you’ve got one named Vasili.”
Esmeralda interrupted Marie. “I don’t mean to doubt you, Marie. But I’ve always been told they died out centuries ago.”
“If you let me finish, I’ll explain that to you. This book confirms the story I’ve been told.” Marie ran her index finger across the page and quickly scanned through the Medieval Latin script. “The satyrs were already reduced to a small group by the time this was written. Even so, they apparently caused quite a bit of chaos in parts of Europe. They were blamed for everything from seducing virgins to causing plagues.”
Esmeralda snorted. “Scapegoats! Get it?”
“I’m pretty sure they were wrongly blamed for many things, just like witches were. And they were relentlessly hunted down. It says here that a wizard named Cosmos found a way to exile them to a remote island in the Atlantic, off the coast of Africa. He found a way to conjure a beast known as a basilisk. It’s the only thing that the satyrs fear. My guess is that this book will also have an entry about this basilisk and how to control it.”
I recognized the name of that wizard. “Did you say Cosmos? Could it be the same old alchemist that helped out Leigh in Chicago?”
“It could be.” Marie mumbled as she looked through the book. “Aha. Here it is. The basilisk.”
“Jesus!” Randy remarked. “It looks like something one of my nephews would draw. So that’s what they fear? A poorly drawn dragon with a beak?”
“Yes, according to this book. And now that we know, we can certainly coerce Vasili into telling us what happened to Brad. Now, back to your ring. I’ve only heard of one magic diamond ring that could embed itself inside of you like that one. But…it doesn’t fit into the problem.” The befuddled tone in Marie’s voice was something I rarely, if ever heard.
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