by Heather Gray
“You’ll enjoy the special. Martha makes a mean meatloaf. Do you need any cream or sugar with your coffee?”
When Sarah nodded, Lettie zipped quickly away to grab the items. She placed the cream and sugar, as well as their napkins and silverware, on the table before they could even start a conversation.
****
Enjoying her coffee, Sarah sighed contentedly. Reveling in how she felt, Sarah realized she felt more alive when she spoke to Samuel than ever before in her life. Conversations with her papa had always been enjoyable, but he had always been so even tempered. It never would have occurred to her father to say something ludicrous for the sole purpose of making her laugh. She found she liked the banter with Samuel and enjoyed saying ridiculous things back to him, simply to see what he would come up with next. Never before had conversation felt so clever or been such fun!
“What prompted you to ask about my marital status?” Samuel’s tone was casual, though a tensing in his posture made Sarah wonder if he didn’t feel as disinterested as he sounded.
“We were discussing bandanas, and you said you weren’t eligible. It was either spend the rest of the day wondering what you meant or ask you and get it over with.”
“Then ask me,” Samuel said.
“I already did.” Sarah’s look was puzzled.
“You asked me if I’m married, but you never asked me what I meant when I said I wasn’t eligible.” Before she could voice the question, Sarah saw Sheriff Spooner enter the cafe. He glanced around the room then walked directly to them.
“Samuel, can I have a word with you? In private?”
Not looking too concerned, Samuel said, “Pardon me for a moment,” to Sarah and rose to follow the sheriff outside.
Sarah watched intently through the window as the two conversed. Their conversation didn’t appear to be heated, and no one seemed agitated. Everything seemed to be fine, but nonetheless, Sarah was not accustomed to the sheriff interrupting her meals, although most of her meals were normally taken alone and in the privacy of her own home. The sheriff’s intrusion made Sarah uncomfortable, but as she watched the two men speak to one another, they seemed to be agreeing about something rather than disagreeing, so Sarah decided she should let it go.
Sarah was again enjoying her coffee when Samuel re-entered the restaurant and returned to his seat. She was about to question what the sheriff had needed when Lettie arrived with two steaming plates of food and a basket of bread.
“This looks delicious, Lettie,” Samuel said appreciatively. “Please give our thanks to Martha.”
“Sure nuf, Mr. Livingston,” Lettie said in response. “Do you folks need anything else?”
Both Sarah and Samuel shook their heads, and Lettie took her leave.
As had become their custom at the stage office throughout the week, both Sarah and Samuel bowed their heads, and Samuel asked the blessing.
“Lord, thank you for this meal. Please bless the hands that prepared it, Lord, and the hands that delivered it. Thank you for all of your many provisions for us and for the many ways in which you take care of us that we never notice. Help us not to take You for granted. We ask a special blessing upon the town of Larkspur, Lord. There are some things going on here that could use a heavenly touch. Protect both the men and the women of this town in the coming days. Amen.”
“Amen,” echoed Sarah.
Sometimes Samuel would ask someone else to say the blessing, but she always liked it when he prayed. Something about the sound of his voice as he talked to the Almighty genuinely got to her. He talked to God reverently, sure, but he also talked to God as though they were great friends. Sarah liked that. It made her wonder sometimes if there was something missing in her relationship with God. A nudge at the back of Sarah’s mind told her she used formality to keep God at arm’s length. She put that thought aside, though, to exam later when she had time and quiet. Right now there was a meal and a man that both needed her attention.
****
“What did Sheriff Spooner need?” Sarah asked with a shuttered look on her face. Then she took a bite of meatloaf, and her face transformed.
Samuel watched her closely. If the look on Sarah’s face could be believed, the meatloaf was delicious. “Good meatloaf?”
“Mmm,” was all the response Sarah gave as she savored the next bite.
“I’ve noticed something about you, Sarah,” Samuel said as he spread butter on his bread.
“That I like food?” quipped Sarah.
“Well, okay, I’ve noticed a couple of things.” Samuel paused to take a couple of bites of his lunch and then continued. “One, you like food. Two, you can’t make coffee. Three, you mostly have an open expressive face. You get a poker face, though, sometimes. Do you know what a poker face is?”
Sarah swallowed her last bite of meatloaf and paused in her eating, answering his question. “I don’t spend much time in gambling halls. Do I even want to know what a poker face is?”
Samuel chuckled. “Okay, good point. It means you wipe the expression from your face. You keep your face neutral so people won’t know what you are thinking. Poker players find it useful because they don’t want the other people playing to know whether or not you have a good hand.”
Sarah nodded her understanding, but puzzlement puckered her brow. “I don’t gamble.”
“See, you’re doing it right now,” Samuel said. “A minute ago you were eating meatloaf, and it was clear as day you were pleased and enjoying yourself. Now suddenly your face is blank, and there’s no expression on it at all. You did the same thing when you asked about Sheriff Spooner. I want to understand what makes you put on your poker face.”
Sarah no longer felt hungry and put her fork down. “I don’t understand. Must I always show every emotion on my face? What if I wish to keep some emotions private? Is that wrong?”
Samuel could see he had upset Sarah. He could have kicked himself. Without meaning to, he seemed to have become an expert at hurting her feelings, and he didn’t know how to change that. “Sarah, I’m sorry if I upset you. Will you hear me out for a minute?”
Sarah nodded but still did not pick up her fork.
“If Minnie says something hurtful to you, what do you do?”
“She would never say anything hurtful.”
“But if she did?” persisted Samuel. “Would you get upset with her?”
“Minnie would never say anything hurtful on purpose. If she said something I thought was hurtful, I would know I had misunderstood her and taken it the wrong way.”
“Okay, that’s great. That’s the answer I was looking for.” Samuel could see he was losing her, so he tried to hurry to make his point. “You would assume you misunderstood because you know Minnie well enough to know she would never intentionally say anything hurtful, right?”
Sarah nodded, and Samuel continued, “You don’t know me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt like that, do you?”
Samuel felt like he had Sarah’s attention now, so he continued. “I would never intentionally say anything to hurt you. I’m a pretty open guy. When I have questions, I ask them. If someone doesn’t want to talk about it, they tell me. My questions aren’t meant to be hurtful or make people uncomfortable. Because I care enough to want to understand the person with whom I am speaking, I ask questions. People who know me give me the benefit of the doubt when I ask or say something that could seem hurtful because they know I’m not a mean-spirited person. You don’t know me well enough to know that, though, and I seem to keep putting my foot in my mouth with you. I say things that hurt your feelings even though I mean them innocently. There has to be a way to get past that, but I haven’t found it yet.”
“Oh,” Sarah said softly and then picked up her fork again. Her eyes fell to her plate where she pushed the food around. Samuel wasn’t fooled into believing she was eating.
“See, like right now,” Samuel said. “I want to ask you what you are thinking, but I’m afraid if I do, you will think I am
saying or doing something wrong and will get upset with me again.” When Sarah kept her head down, Samuel said, “Sarah, please look at me for a moment.”
Sarah took her time but finally lifted her face to meet his gaze. “I like you, Sarah, and I want to understand you. Sometimes I get pushy and try to get into other people’s minds and lives so I can understand what makes them tick. That’s the way I am. No harm is meant by it, and I’m sorry if I’ve been too pushy with you or have said things that hurt you. My only goal in doing so is to get to know you better.”
When the only response Sarah gave was a nod, Samuel picked up his coffee to drink. He was frustrated beyond anything he could remember feeling in a long time. Forcing the issue or trying to make her speak to him would get Samuel nowhere, and he knew that. Leaving her alone, he decided, was the best option. Maybe he’d done too much damage. Samuel had seen hints of this before from Sarah, but never quite so much as today. Maybe she was simply too closed off and private, so much so that she couldn’t possibly be the right person for him. He had believed he was following God’s will in spending time with Sarah. Committing to spend his life with someone who kept her heart so closely guarded that she could not be open with him, though, was not an option. Samuel began questioning everything he had been thinking and feeling over the past week.
Sarah and Samuel stood to exit the restaurant. As they walked down the front steps and Samuel stopped to open the gate for Sarah, he thought he heard her say something. “What was that?” he questioned.
“I think about things. When I get quiet, it’s because I’m thinking.” Sarah’s words were almost whisper quiet, and Samuel had to strain to hear them. When she added, “You gave me a lot to think about,” his heart soared. Maybe there was hope yet. She was sharing something of herself with him, not bantering or joking, but sharing a part of herself that told him something about the way her mind worked.
Samuel knew his response to Sarah’s comment was important, and he needed to get it right. Feeling blessed beyond measure, he said softly, “I can respect that, Sarah. Thank you for telling me. If I’m ever talking to you about something and you get quiet on me, I’ll know not to feel hurt. I’ll assume you are thinking and will give you the space you need. Does that sound alright with you?”
Sarah nodded as she said, “That sounds fine.” Then she graced Samuel with a timid smile that went straight to his heart.
He knew he had his work cut out for him in the days and weeks to come. How could he have guessed he would fall so hard for someone in such a short time? Samuel wasn’t certain yet if he could call this feeling love, but he knew for certain what he felt for Sarah was more powerful than anything he had ever before felt for another woman.
Wanting to answer her earlier question but without raising the tension level again, Samuel said conversationally, “Sheriff Spooner was asking me to stop by the office later today to get deputized. He wants some extra men around for tomorrow’s event at the church. Dividing staff up between town and the church tomorrow to maintain a strong presence in both places has gotten a little tricky, so he is bringing in a few more men to deputize.”
****
“Is that normal?” Sarah asked, her interest piqued.
“Deputizing extra men when needed? I guess it depends on the sheriff, but I have seen it done before,” replied Samuel.
“No, no, not that. I mean, is it normal to deputize someone who is visiting from out of town?”
“I suppose that, too, depends on the sheriff. In this case, John vouched for me, and Sheriff Spooner cleared it with the mayor. Every town does things a little bit differently.”
Samuel’s attention never seemed to waver from Sarah as he answered her questions, so she was surprised to realize he wasn’t even looking at her. His eyes were on the path they were taking through town and on the people they passed. Sarah thought back over the time they had spent together. She had never noticed before, but it had always been like this with Samuel whenever he would walk her to or from the stage office. He might occasionally glance down at her, but his eyes were normally taking in the area around them.
Sarah was stunned she hadn’t realized this sooner. Samuel was an intelligent and capable man who had never failed to look after her safety without making her feel like she was in any danger to begin with. “I think you will make a fine deputy.” Then, some of the tease back in her voice, she added, “Perhaps you will find you like it so much you choose to make a career of it.”
Though she could not see his eyes, she was certain they contained a sparkle of humor. She could definitely hear the laughter in his voice when he told her, “I wouldn’t go jumping to conclusions if I were you.”
Chapter Eight
Sunday started bright and beautiful. The sky was a crisp blue, the air was warm but not too hot, and a nice comfortable breeze was blowing. Sarah was pleasantly anticipating the day at church. She rolled her eyes as she stood before the mirror, admitting only to herself that she was more excited about seeing Samuel than she was about hearing Reverend Green’s sermon. Trying to school her features into a somber and hopefully serene expression was hard work, and Sarah eventually gave up. The smile that broke across her face was anything but reverent. Shaking her head, she walked away from the mirror and headed down the stairs.
How Sarah wished she had a mother to talk with! She wanted to ask what it felt like to fall in love and whether it was wrong of her to be thinking more about Samuel than the upcoming sermon. Her mother’s advice would have been precious to her. She was certain her mother would have given her wonderful counsel. Unlike some other girls, Sarah had never been one to fall for lots of boys in school. Having never had a crush, she wasn’t sure what it felt like. Were her growing feelings for Samuel just that, or were they something more?
Samuel challenged Sarah on so many fronts. She had not realized how set in her own ways she had become until he came along and started asking her questions and speaking to her in ways that made her feel off balance. It was apparent she did not always handle those situations with him well. The realization of how used to her set routine in life she had become was rather startling for her. Sarah recalled something her papa used to say to her when she would help him at the office and something would go wrong.
“Begin your day by dedicating the entire day to the Lord.” Papa had a whole speech. “Then when things seem to go haywire, you will remember that whatever the problem is, it’s there because God allowed it and you will see it as simply another way to glorify Him, another opportunity to praise Him. When you take responsibility for the day yourself, though, and things go wrong, you get upset and bent out of shape and start looking for people to blame.”
Her whole countenance brightened as Sarah recalled her papa’s words. He spoke them to her so often she wondered if it was a written speech he had memorized. Even then Sarah had always been intent on things in life being done with orderliness and in a certain fashion. Papa always counseled her to give up control and let God be God. Since Papa’s passing, she had been trying to control her life and everything in it even more than normal.
Sarah descended the stairs as she mulled these things over. Samuel seemed organized and intelligent, but he was also carefree. She had always equated carefree with careless, but it didn’t seem that way with Samuel. Perhaps it was, in fact, possible to have fun and enjoy life but still take responsibilities seriously. Gratitude in her heart, Sarah prayed.
Thank you, Lord, for bringing Samuel into my life. None of us knows what the future holds, but I do believe I will be a better person for having known him. Help me to honor you in all the things I do, say and think. Give me wisdom so I will remember to glorify you while helping others to see that faith in You does not mean we all have to be dreary and dull. Please help me to keep my focus on you when, in truth, my feet feel like they want to float. I want to be the person you would have me to be. You know, Lord. You know my heart. Forgive me for missing the mark so much, and give me the strength to see the thi
ngs about myself You would have me to change. Amen.
“Is everything alright?”
Sarah lifted her head in time to see Mayor Smith watching her with worry etched into his brow.
“Oh yes, everything is fine. I was merely… praying. There were some things on my mind.”
Sarah wasn’t sure how that would sound. Some people felt you should only pray at certain times – meals, church, weddings and funerals. She knew Mayor Smith wasn’t like that, but she wondered for a moment if he would think her disrespectful of God for praying as she was walking down the stairs. The smile that lit the mayor’s face immediately put her concerns to rest.
“The best time to pray is when you have something to talk about, eh?”
With dancing eyes, the mayor offered Sarah his arm and escorted her to the table for breakfast. Everybody else was already there.
Everyone filled their plates, and then the mayor asked Minnie to say the blessing. Minnie jumped slightly, surprised. They often took turns praying at mealtime, but Minnie had placed herself into a self-imposed exile since her confession. Nonetheless, she bowed her head and folded her hands.
“God,” she began, “thank you for this bounty. Please bless it to our bodies. We ask a special blessing on Reverend Green today, Lord. Fill him with Your Spirit so he may deliver a fine message. Be with all of the families and people and festivities today as well. Amen.”
Sarah eyed Minnie with concern. Because she had been working such long hours this week, there hadn’t been much time to spend with her friend, even though they were sharing a room. Minnie’s voice was clearly strained during her prayer, though, and as Sarah took a closer look at her, she could see Minnie was pale and seemed to have lost some weight. Determining to speak with her later today when they had a chance to be alone, Sarah decided to leave things be for now. Minnie was either ill or upset. Given the current situation in town, Sarah felt certain Minnie was letting guilt get the better of her.