by Heather Gray
“You think I would be better off if I returned to work full-time?”
“The last few days have been quite frightening. Samuel is on the mend, though, and he will get through this. While it is tempting to put him first to the exclusion of all else, now that the danger has passed, I think it is important you see to your other responsibilities. When your papa passed away, you closed the stage office for a spell, but you quickly got it opened back up because you knew people were depending on you. The only difference here is Samuel is alive and on his way to being well… not nearly as dire of a situation.”
Mrs. Smith spoke up, adding, “Returning to work will also help to waylay some of the gossip in town. If you spend all your time here with Samuel, people may speculate, and when people speculate, they rarely do so quietly.”
“Why must I care so much about gossip? Who has the right to judge my actions? If I’ve done nothing wrong, and if I can stand before God unashamed of my actions, then why should I be bothered by what other people say about me?” Sarah was disgusted with the whole notion of gossip.
“Samuel wants to have business dealings in this town. Perception matters. If people think ill of him, it could affect his ability to do business here,” Mayor Smith fielded her questions. “I’m not saying it’s right, just that it’s something you ought to be aware of as you make choices.”
With a lot more grumble than gratitude in her voice, Sarah replied, “I’ll go back to work tomorrow. I am quite discouraged people are so quick to assume the worst about others, me included. It’s not right.”
“You will get no argument from me on that front,” replied the mayor as the dinner concluded.
After a brief pause, Sarah asked, “Are people actually talking about me and Samuel?”
“All I’ve heard,” the mayor answered, “is happiness that he is doing well. If people have ugly things to say, though, I’m not sure they’d say them in my hearing. I am suggesting caution as a preventative measure, not because I’ve actually heard rumors being spread.” Though still disgruntled, Sarah felt somewhat mollified by the mayor’s answer.
Chapter Seventeen
“Sarah,” spoke the mayor as they left the dining room, “join me in my study for a cup of coffee. I would like to speak with you on a couple of topics.”
Rather than sit behind his imposing desk, the mayor sat in a chair near the fireplace and asked Sarah to join him in the other chair. Sarah wasn’t sure what he wanted and could only do as she had been bid, feeling a bit like a child being called up to explain herself to the headmaster.
“Relax Sarah,” he said. “It’s not the inquisition. Your father and I used to sit in here of an evening and enjoy good coffee and good conversation. We often talked about you and about my girls. I owe it to him, and to you, to tell you some of the things we talked about. It’s nothing upsetting.”
Sarah remembered her previous conversation with the mayor. It had only been a couple of weeks, but it seemed like a lifetime ago. “You were going to tell me about some of the things you and Papa talked about. I had forgotten.”
“Yes, well, we’ve had a rather hectic couple of weeks, haven’t we?” With a smile, the mayor offered Sarah some coffee, which she accepted. “Make yourself comfortable. Take your shoes off if you want. We are family, more or less. No need to stand on formality.”
When Sarah removed her shoes and tucked her feet up under her on the chair, the mayor smiled reminiscently.
“Do you remember when your father and I first became friends?” When Sarah shook her head, the mayor continued, “Your father and I had known each other for years, but we did not become well acquainted until after your mother passed away. He wanted to do right by his only daughter but had absolutely no idea how to raise a little girl. There was something I needed to mail, so I went into the stage office one day, and he started asking me all kinds of questions. I could make no sense out of what he was saying. He bounced from one subject to another, and I couldn’t untangle the words or topics in my own mind. He talked about caterpillars turning into butterflies and moose getting their antlers and a couple of other things I don’t recall. After thirty minutes of this, he could see I was completely lost. That’s when he asked me how old a flower has to be before it blooms. I, of course, being the suave and debonair man that I am, said, ‘I think they bloom each spring.’ That’s when he slammed his hand down on the counter, glared at me and shouted, ‘Metaphor, man! I’m talking in metaphor! There are some things you frankly don’t talk about in public!’”
Mayor Smith chuckled as he continued. “Bewildered doesn’t even begin to describe me in that moment. You know your papa. Never have I met a calmer, more even-tempered person. He intimidated me, truth be known, because nothing ever seemed to ruffle him. When he slammed his hand down, I thought for sure he’d gone mad. I leaned over the counter and, softly as I could, asked him, ‘What sorts of things are we metaphoring about?’”
“He didn’t even correct me. The look on his face was priceless. Pale as death, he whispered back to me, ‘I was never a little girl. I don’t know how to raise one.’ You have no idea how relieved I was. For a while there, what with all his ramblings, I wondered if I should be reporting a problem to the sheriff.
“I told your papa to come by after dinner that evening so he and I could chat more freely. He brought you along, of course. You and Minnie went upstairs to play, and he and I sat in this room and chatted over coffee. There are some things, nay – there are many things – men don’t know about being a girl. Even if they have a wife, they are blessedly kept in the dark about certain things. Your papa peppered me with questions, sometimes indelicate ones to which I had no answer. I told him I’d do some checking and to ask me again the next week. As soon as you and your papa left, I sought out Anna to ask her the questions I hadn’t been able to answer. From that first night, a pattern was set.”
“Our evenings eventually became a weekly affair. We didn’t always talk about you. Politics, business, statehood, and even literature were a few of our favorite topics. Your papa was a learned man, though he might not have had all the college degrees to prove it.”
Sarah enjoyed hearing the mayor talk about her father like this. It reminded her of the type of man he had been and made him come to life again for her, even if only for this evening.
“Do go on,” she said softly when the mayor paused.
The faraway look on the mayor’s face changed, his eyes once again focusing on Sarah. He continued, “As you grew older, your father became worried about you. I am going to say some things you might not want to hear. Please understand I am not being disloyal to your father, or to you. He would have talked to you about these things in his own time, in his own way. Because he wasn’t able to do that, though, I feel it’s fallen to me, and I’m not sure I have the luxury of time.”
Puzzled by the mayor’s remarks, she wondered if this is what he’d felt like when her father spoke to him of caterpillars and flowers. “Your father planned to talk to you about these things, but certainly not all at once. He would have discussed them with you as part of the normal course of events, but then he died. I have learned life can be fleeting. I don’t want to leave unsaid any of those things that truly should be said. Bear with me,” the mayor said as he took a deep breath and began.
“You are a fine young woman, Sarah.”
She could hear a “but” in the mayor’s voice and wasn’t at all sure she wanted him to continue.
“As I said, your father was an even-tempered man. That was his personality, not a choice he made. Your father never struggled with being hotheaded or volatile. He was never prone to shouting, even as a child, he told me. You came along, and your example for how to live was this man who never struggled with his temper. There was fire in you, and he could see it, but you didn’t seem to know how to express it, and he didn’t know how to help you. It was one of the reasons he was so happy when you and Minnie took to each other and got along well. You may have noticed,”
the mayor said with a decided chuckle, “my youngest daughter has no problem expressing herself.”
Sarah regarded the mayor, a smile lurking in the grey-green depths of her laughing eyes, waiting for him to continue.
“Your papa loved you quite a bit, but as you grew into your teen years, he was afraid you were squelching your own personality because you thought you were supposed to be like him. He had finally decided he must speak to you about it, but he passed away before he ever had the chance. You were never supposed to feel you had to be like him. It’s okay to be upset or to yell and throw things once in a while. That should never be the norm, and you should not take your temper out on others, but it’s okay to feel things, to have strong emotions. When you feel things passionately, depending on the circumstances, it’s okay to express it. It’s not necessary for you to be even-tempered like your papa, especially if that means you are shutting down all emotion. You are not him, and no one ever expected you to be.”
“Do I do that? What if I simply don’t feel things strongly like other people?”
“Do you love God, Sarah?”
“Absolutely,” came her quick reply.
“Do you love Him passionately?”
Sarah tilted her head, not quite sure how to answer him. “I think I am learning to,” she finally responded.
“Good. You should love Him passionately. If you can’t love God passionately, how will you ever love a husband or children in the same way?”
Not sure where the mayor was going with this, Sarah watched him and listened closely as he continued. “Minnie is passionate about wanting to go to college. Now that she has found the path God has for her, she feels strongly about it. A man should be passionate about loving and protecting his family. A mayor should be passionate about seeing to the well-being of his city. Passion is a measure of degree. Simply put, it means that what you feel, you feel powerfully.”
Sarah nodded her understanding and waited for the mayor to continue.
“Do you plan to get married someday?”
Like a deer caught in the headlights, Sarah had no idea how to answer. Samuel’s face immediately came to mind, and all the feelings she had for him burned through her veins… passionately… but Sarah did not think it was appropriate to say anything to the mayor when she had never yet told Samuel how she felt about him. Seeing a twinkle in the mayor’s eye, Sarah gave him a one-shouldered shrug.
“Okay, dear, I see. Perhaps that wasn’t a fair question. Hear me out, though. When you are married, when you have children, you want to love them with everything you have. You don’t want to hold back for the sake of being even-tempered, okay? Your papa became worried, thinking you were working so hard to behave like him that you would never learn how to let yourself truly love a husband and be able to express it spontaneously.
“He always felt that, had your mama lived, you would have had a healthier understanding about marriage and family and relationships and how people interact. Your mama was not only more outgoing and open with others, but she also brought out the best in your papa.”
“I remember them together,” Sarah interjected. “Papa was different before Mama died. I was young, though, and I saw things through little girl eyes. I didn’t understand the ways of men and women, so when Papa changed, I thought it was because I wasn’t enough for him. I was confused and didn’t understand yet that relationships between fathers and daughters were different than relationships between husbands and wives. As I got older, I began to understand his sadness wasn’t my fault. For some years, though, I did blame myself for the change in Papa.”
Mayor Smith nodded sagely, having already known. “Your father also worried you were going to give up on your dream of college because of him. He wanted you to pursue your dream and to do what was best for you, not to feel tied to this town or to him.”
The mayor paused, and Sarah spoke up, “I wanted to go to college, yes, but truly, it was mostly because I believed I would never get married.”
“Why did you feel that way about marriage?”
Sarah gazed into the fire for a long time before answering. Still avoiding eye contact with the mayor, she answered, “It’s silly, I guess, but it’s for the exact same reasons you already spoke about. I thought something was broken inside of me. Other girls felt giddy about or got infatuated with boys, but I never did. The idea of falling in love, getting married and having children didn’t excite me like it did other girls. I wanted to go to college so I wouldn’t be an embarrassment to Papa as I got older. It’s almost okay for a woman to be unmarried if she has a career, but it’s practically shameful to be unmarried simply because you never found anyone you wanted to marry.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
Sarah felt her cheeks heating with the telltale blush. As she puzzled over a way to answer the mayor, he asked a different question. “Do you still wish to go to college?”
“No,” was her firm reply. “I have no desire to go to college, not like Minnie does. I’m happy here in Larkspur. And believe it or not, I finally want to get married and raise a family. That is the desire of my heart. The world looks a little different to me now than it used to. After looking at what different women have to deal with in their lives, I see how wrong I was to think it was only okay to stay unmarried if you had a career. While I do want to get married, if it never happens, I won’t be ashamed.”
Smiling at her, the mayor nodded, “I’m glad you have found the desire of your heart. That was another thing on the little list I kept in my head for tonight.” The mayor lightly tapped the side of his head with his index finger as he mentioned the list.
Mayor Smith and Sarah sat in companionable silence for a while. As the shadows lengthened in the room, the mayor cleared his throat and broached another subject. “Do you mind if we speak about Samuel?”
Sarah’s tongue cleaved to the roof of her mouth, and she felt another blush climbing up her cheeks. Not knowing what to say, she simply nodded her assent to the man sitting across from her.
“You have learned about Samuel’s history with the Secret Service as well as the business that brought him here to Larkspur.”
When Sarah nodded, he continued, “Did you know he asked me for your hand in marriage?”
Sarah’s shocked gasp echoed around the room. “Ah, I see that one came as a surprise,” Mayor Smith said with a smile. “I wasn’t sure how much the two of you had talked on this subject.”
Sarah, still too surprised to say anything, listened as the mayor continued. “Samuel is a good man, and I gave him my blessing. He came to me because he knew I cared about you. He felt, with your papa gone, I was the person he should speak to. To be honest, he did not ask for your hand. Perhaps I should rephrase. He told me of his intent to court and marry you. He didn’t ask me. He told me. I, in turn, asked him to please wait until the business in town was cleared up. I didn’t want you, or anyone else in town, getting Samuel confused with any of the ruffians that had shown up. Perception means a lot, perhaps more than it should, as we already discussed at dinner. People could have gotten the wrong idea about Samuel, though. Wrong ideas, depending on how pervasive, could have affected not only Samuel’s ability to do business here but could have also impacted you and any future children you may have. Samuel agreed to wait before openly pursuing you.”
“I am telling you all of this not to spoil the wonder of young love, but rather because I think you have an obligation to make sure you have prayed about this and that you are seeking God’s will. Samuel will come calling for you, and when he does, you need to be ready, knowing what God wants for you. This young man, I do believe, will not wait for long once he is recovered. If you agree to let him court you, I have a feeling you will be engaged with a ring on your finger right quickly.”
“If I were your daughter, what counsel would you give me?”
“Ah, Sarah, you are like a daughter to me, and this is an easy question to answer. I would tell you to follow God and that you have my bl
essing.”
“It would be okay with you if Samuel and I were to marry?”
“Absolutely, dear. If I had any reservations about him, I would tell you without hesitation. I’d tell him, too, for that matter. I have no reservations, though. He appears to be a good and godly man who is not only capable of providing for you and protecting you, but also of cherishing you and the family you build together.”
Sarah felt the pressure of tears building behind her eyes as she heard the husky emotion in the mayor’s voice. The mayor would never take her father’s place in her heart, but he certainly had a place there all his own, and it was a dear and treasured place.
Sarah and the mayor visited for a while longer about various topics until Sarah was ready to retire for the evening. She left the mayor and went toward the front of the house where Samuel’s room was. She checked on him one last time before heading upstairs. Sarah had to pass back by the mayor’s study on her way to the steps. She thought she heard voices and paused for a moment. She hadn’t intended to eavesdrop, but when she heard the mayor’s voice she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “Lord,” he said, “I don’t know if it works this way or not, but can you let my friend know I’m doing the best I can for his daughter? He’d be so proud of her.” The mayor’s words ringing in her ears, Sarah finally made her way up the stairs and to bed.
****
The next week and a half passed by with Sarah stopping in to visit Samuel each morning and then sharing her supper with him in the evenings. They talked about many different things but did not focus on any serious topics. Sarah was less than thrilled to be returning to work when she wanted to be with Samuel, but after a day or two, she adjusted to the new schedule and realized how much she had missed being at the stage office. Everything had run smoothly in her absence, but she did have a lot of paperwork on which she needed to catch up. She was always amazed at how much paperwork was involved in both stage work and the handling of the mail.