Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen

by Rachel Renée Russell

  “BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THEN?!” I shrieked at the top of my lungs.

  That’s when both of my parents looked at each other nervously and said four little words. And NO! Those words weren’t “YES, you can transfer!”

  They said, “LET’S CALL DR. HADLEY!”

  I was like, “EXCUSE ME!! SORRY! But I don’t NEED a therapy session right now!!”

  If I wanted ADVICE on how to deal with my problems, I’d just write Miss Know-It-All, hack into the website, and send a response to MYSELF!!

  “What I NEED is for you to enroll me at North Hampton Hills International Academy! NOW!”

  OMG! I was so FURIOUS with my parents.

  That’s when I totally lost it and screamed . . .

  ME, TOTALLY LOSING IT AND YELLING AT MY PARENTS!!

  Then I ran upstairs to my room and slammed the door!

  SERIOUSLY! My parents are such IDIOTS!!

  They expect me to stay at WCD and ROT while the kids there laugh at me every day like I’m some kind of unpopular LOSER!!

  I CAN’T EVEN . . . !!!

  HOW CAN MY VERY OWN PARENTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS VIDEO ISN’T A SERIOUS PROBLEM UNTIL SOME HATER POSTS IT ONLINE??!!!

  Well, Mommy and Daddy!!!

  Guess what?!

  THAT can be easily ARRANGED!! . . .

  ME, CYBERBULLYING MYSELF BY POSTING MY OWN VIDEO ONLINE!

  Now that my imaginary cyberbully has placed that disgusting video online, my parents will feel SO SORRY for me that they’ll FINALLY let me transfer!!

  YAY ME !!

  North Hampton Hills International Academy, here I COME!!!

  TOODLES!

  MY MISS KNOW-IT-ALL MEANEST LETTER OF THE DAY

  I’m pretty sure this next letter is from Marcy, that shy and very strange little friend of yours. She has BRACES, right?!

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Dear Miss Know-It-All,

  I haven’t been my normal, happy self since I was told I needed to get braces.

  I’m embarrassed to say this, but when my orthodontist gave me the news, I burst into tears right there in the chair. The truth is, I’m already insecure and this whole braces fiasco is just making me feel a lot worse.

  Now whenever I look in the mirror, I imagine an ugly freak with barbed-wire teeth staring back at me. It’s a big struggle to get through the school day without crying.

  I’m sure you’ve heard all the horror stories about kids with braces being relentlessly teased and called cruel names. Why do people have to kick a girl when she’s already down??

  I feel frustrated, depressed, and alone. I haven’t told my friends about any of this because lately they’ve been dealing with problems of their own.

  But I know you’re the perfect person to give me the encouragement and advice that I need to get through this! Please help!

  —Blue in Braces

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Since this girl (Marcy?) sounds like a complete BASKET CASE, I plan to e-mail her my advice tomorrow.

  WARNING: This letter is so MEAN, it’s probably worth at least a three-day detention! Sorry, Nikki !

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Dear Brace Face,

  Did I get your name right? Or was it Zipper Mouth? Maybe it was STUMP GRINDER! Sorry, sweetie. I’m so forgetful sometimes! Anyway, having braces isn’t all that bad. Let’s look at the pros and cons, shall we?

  PROS:

  #1: You can get a job at the Olive Garden restaurant grating cheese with your teeth!

  #2: Your mouth also multitasks as a paper shredder and chain saw!

  #3: With all the food you’re going to have stuck in your braces, you’ll have yourself a portable, FREE all-you-can-eat buffet!

  CONS:

  #1: People will follow you around to get a better cell phone signal.

  #2: A boyfriend with braces could become the kiss of death, literally. If your braces lock up during a smooch, you’ll both have to go to the orthodontist together to get it surgically terminated!

  #3: On a very clear day, you can pick up interstellar signals from ALIENS on Mars!

  Wait a second!! ALL of those sound like CONS, don’t they?

  Oh well! Too bad for you!

  Thank goodness I’ve ALWAYS had perfectly straight pearly whites!

  YAY ME !!

  —Miss Know-It-All

  TUESDAY, APRIL 22

  Dear Nikki,

  I thought this moment would never come!

  Today is my FINAL DAY at Westchester Country Day Middle School !!

  YAY ME !!

  Everything worked out just as I had planned.

  My parents saw that video of me on the Internet that was posted by that HORRIBLE BULLY at my school.

  Namely, YOU!

  I was so upset by what you did that I cried myself to sleep last night.

  My parents felt SO sorry for me!

  So first thing this morning they contacted North Hampton Hills International Academy and arranged for my transfer. YAY ME !!

  I totally impressed the headmaster at my admissions interview. She actually said I’d be an asset to their academic institution.

  So on Thursday I take the placement tests for all my classes.

  As I’m writing this Mommy and Daddy are in the WCD office finalizing paperwork and I’m cleaning out my locker and packing up my personal belongings.

  Well, actually, I’m supervising the mover guy.

  When I leave, I KNOW you and your BFFs will be standing in the hall rudely STARING at me and wondering what’s going on.

  But I’ll just IGNORE you like I always do! . . .

  ME, LEAVING WCD TO ATTEND NORTH HAMPTON HILLS INTERNATIONAL ACADEMY !!

  And yes! I know there will be a lot of unanswered questions about my sudden departure. But please don’t believe any nasty rumors.

  The truth is, I’ll probably be in Hawaii, on a ninety-foot yacht, wearing a super-cute designer sundress with matching sandals, sipping on a pineapple-mango smoothie, while working on my “Volcanoes in Hawaii” report with the very smart, rich, and posh students in my study group from North Hampton Hills International Academy!!

  YAY ME!! !!

  Did I mention that most of the students there are the children of celebs, politicians, business tycoons, and royalty?!

  I almost forgot to mention that there’s been a slight change in plans regarding your diary.

  First, I’m totally addicted to writing in it!

  And second, I think your diary entries should be shared with the entire WORLD!

  Also, don’t forget that my final GIFT will be delivered to you on Monday, April 28.

  After you’re EXPELLED from WCD for cyberbullying, you’re going to need a new school too!

  And whatever you do, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t transfer to North Hampton Hills International Academy !

  TOODLES!

  P.S. I left you a little good-bye note and stuck it on my old locker!

  MY MISS KNOW-IT-ALL MEANEST LETTER OF THE DAY

  Unfortunately, with the transfer and all, today was way too hectic for me to answer any advice letters.

  And since I’m going to be super busy at my new school with all my new friends, you can consider this my official RESIGNATION!

  I really enjoyed being Miss Know-It-All! Saving a few hopeless weirdos from themselves was a lot like charity work. But most important, it made ME feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

  I honestly think this whole experience has changed my life for the better and made me a nicer, more compassionate person.

  NOT!!

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23

  OMG!

  YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY!!

  THURSDAY, APRIL 24

  I FINALLY FOUND MY DIARY!! SQUEEEEE !!

  I’M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I THINK I’M GOING TO GIVE IT A BIG FAT . . .<
br />
  It’s been missing for

  TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS!!!

  And the entire time, I’ve been an emotional

  WRECK!!

  My BFFs and I looked EVERYWHERE for it! I had pretty much given up hope of EVER finding my diary again.

  And poor Zoey blamed herself for losing it! She thought it had somehow fallen out when she’d gone into my backpack to get some gum.

  I told her that even if it had, it was totally an accident and I wasn’t mad at her.

  But Zoey STILL felt responsible and insisted that she was the Worst. Friend. EVER!

  She’d been moping around, like, FOREVER, and Chloe and I have been worried about her.

  But when I showed Zoey my diary, she was so happy she actually burst into tears of joy!

  Now I have my diary AND my BFF Zoey back !

  SQUEEEEE!!

  The WEIRDEST part is that my diary looked completely different when I found it.

  The SNEAKY DIARY SNATCHER had given it a SUPERcute MAKEOVER with a FAB new LEOPARD print cover!

  It looked exactly like an expensive designer blouse that I’d seen at the mall for $220!

  The day my diary disappeared, I had my suspicions. I wanted to plaster posters of my PRIME SUSPECT all over the school. . . .

  But, unfortunately, I didn’t have any proof she was the STICKY-FINGERED SCOUNDREL who’d stolen it.

  Anyway, I could NOT believe all the stuff MacKenzie wrote in MY diary!

  I stayed up past midnight and read every last entry. TWICE! She actually gave me a glimpse into her brain.

  In spite of her beauty and popularity, her life is not nearly as perfect as everyone thinks.

  She just pretends that it is.

  And yes, I know MacKenzie is stressed out from all the drama in her life including (1) the detention, (2) the bug video, (3) losing her BFF, Jessica, (4) her insane jealousy of my friendship with Brandon, and (5) wanting to transfer to a new school.

  But STILL!! As my grandmother always says, “Everything happens for a reason. And sometimes that reason is you make BAD choices!”

  MacKenzie creates a lot of her own problems and then blames them on others.

  However, the most SHOCKING thing I discovered was just how DIABOLICAL she is.

  HOW diabolical IS she?!

  When life gives her LEMONS, she squeezes the juice in other people’s EYES!! I’m just sayin’.

  I’d actually feel sorry for her if she wasn’t so CRUEL.

  Anyway, this thing gets even more UNBELIEVABLE!

  MacKenzie found my user ID and password in one of MY earlier diary entries and BROKE into my Miss Know-It-All website !!

  I’m so NOT lying!!

  Then she wrote a bunch of MEAN and NASTY advice letters to unsuspecting students.

  Her plan was to get ME kicked out of school for CYBERBULLYING!!

  Like, WHO does that?!!!

  Thankfully, my Miss Know-It-All newspaper column doesn’t publish until Monday, April 28, so I have plenty of time to fix any damage she’s done and delete her letters.

  In spite of that, I’m STILL a little worried about her THREAT that she has a SURPRISE for me on Monday, April 28 !

  But here’s the most SHOCKING news of all!!

  MACKENIZE HOLLISTER TRANSFERRED TO A NEW SCHOOL!

  And yesterday was her last day at WCD!

  YES! I know it’s really hard to believe! But it’s TRUE!! The entire school is GOSSIPING about it, even the teachers.

  That DRAMA QUEEN is actually gone from my life!! FOREVER!! WOO-HOO!! . . .

  ME, DOING MY SNOOPY HAPPY DANCE BECAUSE MACKENZIE IS GONE!!

  Since MacKenzie is out of the way, I can FINALLY try to patch things up with Brandon without HER interfering !

  He’s been SUPERbusy lately, doing photography for both the newspaper and yearbook.

  We’ve basically ignored each other and have barely spoken since that big blowup at my locker a few weeks ago.

  Then things went from bad to worse after Brandon wrote that really sweet apology letter inviting me to hang out with him at the CupCakery. I waited there for him, like, FOREVER, but he never showed up !

  I was mad at HIM because I thought he’d stood me up since HE was still mad at ME. And yes! I know it sounds crazy.

  But according to MacKenzie’s diary entries, SHE was behind the scenes, MANIPULATING everyone and creating all the DRAMA.

  I have to admit, I’ve really missed Brandon these past few weeks. I need to talk to him tomorrow and apologize for everything that’s happened.

  Anyway, now that MacKenzie has transferred to a new school, my life at WCD is FINALLY going to be DRAMA FREE and absolutely PERFECT!!

  SQUEEEEEE!!

  !!

  NOTE TO SELF:

  Chloe wasn’t in school yesterday or today, and she hasn’t answered any of my text messages.

  Which is very STRANGE!

  Hopefully, Zoey has heard from her!

  But if NOT . . .

  1. Call Chloe tonight to make sure she’s okay!!

  2. Tell her the FANTASTIC news that I FINALLY found my diary !!

  3. Let her know that we don’t have to worry about Zoey anymore because she’s back to her normal happy self. SQUEEE!!

  ALSO:

  Don’t forget to explain everything to Brandon and apologize!

  FRIDAY, APRIL 25

  AAAAAHHHHH !!!

  (That was me screaming!)

  I thought things would be a lot better with MacKenzie gone.

  But today is turning out to be the WORST day EVER!!

  I’d already made up my mind that if Chloe was absent again today, Zoey and I were going to stop by her house after school.

  The two of us had been calling, texting, and e-mailing Chloe almost nonstop since Wednesday, but we hadn’t heard anything from her.

  Not even a PEEP!!

  What’s up with THAT?!!

  First Zoey was acting strange, and now Chloe?! JUST GREAT !!

  I was worried that something BAD had happened to Chloe on her way to school on Wednesday.

  You know, like maybe she got kidnapped by some teen zombies. And they were holding her hostage because they wanted to make her their teen zombie QUEEN.

  YIKES !!

  Hey, it could happen!

  We FINALLY spotted Chloe coming out of the office after second period, Zoey and I were SUPERhappy and nearly HYSTERICAL.

  We ran right up to her and shrieked, “Chloe! Chloe! OMG! WHERE have you been?! We tried to contact you! Didn’t you get any of our calls, e-mails, or texts?! Are you okay?! Were you sick? We really missed you! Guess what?! We’ve been DYING to tell you the big news! WE FOUND THE DIARY!!! SQUEEEEE!!”

  But then the strangest thing happened! . . .

  SHE JUST ROLLED HER EYES AT US AND WALKED AWAY!

  We stood there in shock, staring at our BFF with our mouths hanging open!

  Chloe acted like we weren’t even there. I could NOT believe she just totally DISSED us like that.

  Zoey and I were hurt and confused! But more than anything, we were frustrated by all the unanswered questions.

  Why hadn’t Chloe bothered to return our millions of phone calls, texts, and e-mails?

  What was she upset about?

  Why had she been absent?

  Was she mad at US?

  And if so, why?

  But we never got a chance to ask her anything because she SULKED during gym class and was so GLUM at lunch that she refused to even talk to us.

  However, Zoey and I were DETERMINED. We were NOT about to give up on our BFF.

  So we made a SECRET PLAN.

  Later in the day, when the three of us worked in the library together as shelving assistants, we’d be SUPERnice and kind to Chloe to cheer her up.

  Then, once she was in a better mood, we’d get her to open up and talk to us about what was bothering her.

  And by the end of the hour we’d do a group hug and be BFFs once again. SQUEEEEE!!

&nb
sp; More very soon . . .!!

  !!!

  SATURDAY, APRIL 26

  When I left off, Zoey and I were about to implement our secret plan to resolve the CHLOE CRISIS.

  “Are you guys as bored as I am?” I muttered, dusting the clean library tables again just to stay awake.

  “Well, we could always erase pencil marks from the dictionaries,” Zoey suggested.

  “I’m not THAT bored!” I grumped. “Do you have any ideas, Chloe?”

  Zoey and I looked at her hopefully. But she stared straight ahead and didn’t say a word.

  “Chloe, what’s up? You’ve been SUPERquiet all day. Is anything wrong?” Zoey asked.

  Chloe bit her lip and shook her head no.

  “I have an idea. Since we’re bored silly, let’s play Chloe’s favorite game!” I exclaimed. “Charades!”

  “That sounds like fun!” Zoey agreed.

  “And it beats erasing pencil marks out of dictionaries any day,” I said. “Chloe, you can go first.”

  Chloe folded her arms and just stood there with an unamused look on her face.

  “Hmm . . . ,” I said, scratching my head. “No movement and blank stare. You’re a . . . ROCK?”

  Chloe scowled at me and shook her head.

  “Well, how about a TREE?” Zoey guessed.

  Chloe rolled her eyes for the tenth time today and stood perfectly still. That’s when a creative guess popped into my head.

  “I know! You’re a very ANGRY STATUE?!” I exclaimed. “Right?!”

  WRONG!! Chloe gave me an icy stare that was so cold, I almost got frostbite! OUCH!! . . .

  CHLOE, GIVING ME AN ICY STARE DURING OUR FUN GAME OF CHARADES!

  I think my very creative guess must have ticked Chloe off or something, because she clenched her fists and stormed across the room.