by Syd Parker
“It’s supposed to be this weekend. She’s bringing Mom up for the Thanksgiving holiday.” Aspen paused and turned to Lex. “I guess you will be spending the holiday back home.”
Aspen’s somber tone tugged at Lex’s heart strings. She planned on spending it with her family, since Cass and her family usually traveled for Thanksgiving. “I was going to go home, but I…”
“Oh, that will be fun. I remember the Tataris family holidays were anything but boring.” Aspen went back to filling Lacey’s water bucket. She wasn’t sure what had made her think Lex would be staying here for the holiday, but she had to admit she was disappointed that Lex wouldn’t be with her. There were flashes in this whole arrangement that reminded her so much of their own marriage. Holidays were split between their families, and Aspen had to admit that she missed the time spent with Lex.
“Yeah, tons of fun. Nothing like listening to Ma get on Nicky because he hasn’t made an honest woman of whoever the flavor of the month is.”
“That and she is always pushing for some grand babies."” Aspen meant it as a joke, but the silence that met her comment stilled them both. Too many memories came pouring into the room and floated around them hauntingly.
Lex finally broke the uncomfortable silence. “Well, what can I say? The Tataris’s know how to live it up.”
They finished cleaning the stables in silence, each one all too aware of their proximity to the other. Each one’s thoughts far away from the task at hand. Both lost a million miles away, in a different time, a different place and both feeling the pang of a reality that wasn’t the one they had dreamed of.
Lex hooked her own pitchfork back on the tool rack and dusted her hands off on her pants. “Anything else?”
“Nope.” Aspen patted Reba’s neck. “That’s it for now. Let’s get inside and check on the dough.”
The sun was cresting over the mountains when Aspen plopped a giant roll on Lex’s plate. She moaned appreciatively. “God, they are just as good as I remember them. I can’t seem to say enough how much I have missed your cooking.”
Aspen felt herself blush. Lex had always loved her cooking, and to this day, it still warmed her heart to be able to cook for her. That was one of the ways she had shown Lex that she loved her, giving truth to the old adage about the way to a woman’s heart. “Glad I haven’t lost my touch.”
“I’m sure you won’t ever lose your touch.” Lex winked suggestively and ducked as Aspen sent a towel flying toward her head. “So, what are you up to today?”
“I thought I would wander down to the house and do some sketches.” Aspen hadn’t committed to it yet, but when Lex said she would be working to meet a deadline, she thought it would be a perfect way to kill time. “I haven’t picked up my charcoal in weeks.”
“Mind if I watch?” Lex asked nonchalantly. That had been something they started when they were still married. Aspen would sketch, and Lex would sit and watch.
“Umm, I don’t know. I don’t want to distract you from your article.” Aspen stuffed the last bite of her own cinnamon roll in her mouth. She eyed the plate hungrily. “I really shouldn’t, but they were so good.”
“Do it.” Lex tempted her by holding the plate up under her nose. “You know you want it.”
Aspen watched the plate dance under her nose, and she finally broke down and grabbed another roll. “Damn you. I never could resist you.”
“Oh yeah?” Lex waggled her brows suggestively. “I’ll remember that for future reference.”
Aspen looked at her askance. “You always were trouble.” She waggled her finger in her direction. “You and your rolls can just stay on that side of the kitchen. I don’t need to get you in any trouble with the misses.”
“She’s fine.” Lex said dismissively. “What is it, they say? What happens in Vermont stays in Vermont.”
“Not exactly.” Aspen reached around and grabbed the coffee pot and divided the last remnants of coffee between the two of them. “Anyway, if you want to hang out at the house today, it’s no big deal to me.”
Lex’s face broke out in a warm smile. “Cool. It will be just like old times.”
Aspen met her eyes. Not exactly like old times, she thought. More times than not, when Lex watched her work before, they ended up naked on the floor of her studio. She was pretty sure that was not going to happen this time. “I’m gonna clean up and then we can head down.”
“Sounds good. You want help or can I grab a quick shower?” Lex stood up halfway, waiting for Aspen’s response.
“Go ahead. I’ll put the dishwasher on a delay, so I don’t take all the hot water.”
“I’ll save you some.” Lex padded off to her room, her own mind picturing the painting sessions that happened all those years ago. By the time she was undressed and ready to shower, she was contemplating not using hot water at all. Somehow as turned on as she was after picturing Aspen naked beneath her, a cold shower sounded like a much better idea.
Chapter 11
Lex watched Aspen’s hand move slowly over the thick paper. She alternated between soft strokes of charcoal and rubbing her pinky over the same spot, adjusting the shadows until they were just like she wanted them. An involuntary smile crept over Lex’s face, and she felt warmth spread through her body. Too many moments felt like home, and she relished the quiet times with Aspen.
She directed her focus back to her laptop and frowned at the single line of type. So much for her deadline. She wasn't able to concentrate long enough to even finish a paragraph. She didn’t care though. Nothing mattered at all except the need to be near her, the need to feel Aspen filling every part of her soul. It was foolish; she knew. A couple more months and this fantasy would be over, and she would go back to her life.
It would have bothered Lex more if she hadn’t fooled herself into believing she needed this. She shouldn’t have let herself get so close again, so invested. Somehow, she had convinced herself that she was merely doing what Cassidy wanted. Figuring out a way to finally let go. However, something in the mantra she repeated more often than not didn’t ring true. Lex hoped that her heart caught up with her brain and stopped being so damned romantic. This was not a reunion. It was the first step in finally severing the last tie that bound them together.
Finally deciding that she wasn’t going to get much done, she closed her laptop and set it on the floor next to her. She swung her legs over the side of the chair and let them dangle, her concentration now fully on Aspen. She watched the picture take shape. She watched the outline of a mother nursing her child fill the page. Aspen shadowed around it again, the light hitting only the profile of the woman, her young child asleep in her arms. It was poignant in a way that made her breath catch.
She waited until Aspen backed away and crossed her arms over her chest to survey her work. “It’s beautiful.”
Aspen jumped at her voice. She was conscious of Lex as much she was aware of the beating of her own heart. It just was and so was Lex’s presence in her life. She had crept inside Aspen and settled in every inch of her body. She had captivated her heart and soul once again, had filled her mind with thoughts of yesteryear. She pushed those thoughts back and shot Lex an appreciative smile. “Thank you.”
Lex saw her frown. “What?”
“It’s just…” She narrowed her eyes. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully and smudged charcoal on her jaw. “Something’s just not right.”
Lex stood up and stretched her arms over her head. She covered the distance between them and stopped so close to Aspen that she could feel the heat emanating from her body. “Hmm.”
They studied it together like that for several more moments, the lines between yesterday and today blurring rapidly. Too many times before they had gone from this to making love in Aspen’s studio, certain that it inspired creativity.
Aspen sighed loudly. “I’m not sure. Something just isn’t right here.” She pointed to the outline of the woman’s breast.
Lex cocked her head sideways and took a
step closer. “Maybe a little more shadowy here.”
“Maybe so.” Aspen made several short strokes with her charcoal and smudged them with her finger before stepping back and studying it again. “Yes, I think that was it. Thank you.”
Lex smiled. “Just like old times.”
“Not exactly.” Aspen laughed ruefully. It wasn’t just like old times. It was so far from old times that it made her ache. She was getting too close, allowing herself too much liberty with her feelings. This time with Lex felt too close to perfect, and she knew if she didn’t guard her heart better, at the end of the six months she was going to hurt more than the last time.
Lex felt her close off before she even spoke and in her desperateness to keep the connection, she inched closer. She studied Aspen’s profile. She chuckled when she saw the black streak on her chin. “You have a little…” Without even thinking; she licked her thumb and brushed it over Aspen’s chin.
Aspen felt her touch, and she froze. Lex’s thumb was warm and soft, and although she didn’t mean the gesture to be intimate, Aspen’s heart thundered in her chest. Lex’s touch had always done that. She only had to touch her, and shockwaves would rip through her body. She leaned into the caress, and a soft moan escaped her lips. Aspen pulled away a little too quickly. She rubbed her palm over her chin. “I got it.”
Lex watched her, a stunned expression on her face. In that moment, she felt more closely connected to Aspen than in all the years with Cassidy. I am so fucked. Somehow, that seemed to be the only appropriate response to the burgeoning feelings she was trying hard to keep tamped down. She desperately needed to get this moment under control. She took several steps back. “So, what was the nightmare about this morning?”
Aspen paled slightly. “Nothing.”
“You weren’t screaming like it was nothing.” Lex countered. “It sounded like something.”
“Don’t worry about it.” The words came out more harshly than Aspen intended, and she offered an apologetic smile.
“How long have you been having nightmares?” Lex studied Aspen’s face closely, knowing if her answer wasn’t truthful, she could tell immediately. Her eyes would give her away.
Aspen shrugged. “A while.”
“How long?”
“Since you left.” The words were devoid of emotion, but Lex didn’t need to hear it. She could see it as plain as day and the admission broke her heart again.
“I’m so sorry, A.” Lex felt the need to pull Aspen into her arms, but she fought it. She could see from the look on her face that Aspen was trying to stay resolute and offering comfort would not be welcome. “I didn’t know.”
“How would you?” Aspen’s eyes flashed accusatorily. “Kind of hard to know when you walk out and leave everything behind you without so much as a look.”
Lex pulled on her pony tail, the only sign that she was emotionally stressed. “I fucked up, A. Everything I did was wrong. I was stupid and scared. That’s no excuse. I don’t have one that could even begin to make up for what I did to you.”
“Not just me. Us.”
One word and it encompassed everything about their situation. They had been an us, and Lex had taken that from them. She had taken everything that was special to them and pissed it away.
“It’s fine.” Aspen offered quietly. “That was a long time ago. We are where we are supposed to be now.”
“Are we?” Lex challenged her to think about her response. Were they where they were supposed to be? Honestly, she didn’t think so. Rather than continue down that path, she asked Aspen about her nightmares again. “Do you have nightmares often?”
Aspen shook her head. “Not too bad. A couple per month maybe. More lately.”
Lex felt her heart catch. She opened her mouth to reply, but Aspen stopped her.
“Lex, stop. Don’t apologize again. It is what it is. For now, I’ll deal with them. Besides, we are only together a little while longer, and then we can move on. Once I get out of this situation, they will stop again.”
You mean once you get away from me, Lex thought sadly. Guilt was something she lived with daily. Most of the time, she could bury it but there were times, like now, that it pushed its way to the surface. It was at moments like this that she felt the need for self—recrimination. She could normally beat herself up better than anyone. Today her guilt was overwhelming. “I’m just sorry. Sorry for everything.”
Aspen squeezed her arm. “Enough, okay? I’m a big girl. I handled it this long, and I will continue to do that. Forget about it, okay?”
Lex could only nod in agreement. She wasn’t sure that she could open her mouth and not subject herself to a vitriolic diatribe.
“Aspen?” Ginny’s voice carried into the studio, and Aspen breathed a sigh of relief. Watching the guilty emotions play on Lex’s face was almost too much to bear. Secretly, she knew that Lex had run because of her guilt. She blamed herself for their inability to have a child. Shouldering the majority of the pain and not letting Aspen share in that. Instead, running the other way and breaking them both. Yes, she’d had enough of the guilt. Right now, she just wanted to move on without the pain of yesterday’s mistakes between them. Holding onto the past was chaining her down, and she couldn’t move on without letting go.
“In here.” She shot Lex a smile. “Thanks for the help with the sketch.”
“My pleasure.” Lex moved away and met Ginny’s smile with a big one of her own. “Hi, Aunt Ginny.”
“Lex.” Like she had so many times before, she pulled the women into a bear hug. “I missed you girls.”
“We missed you too, Aunt Ginny.” Aspen hugged her hard then pulled away and shot her a questioning glance.
“She’s bringing her suitcase in. Lord, you would think the woman was staying for a month and not just a week. I think she brought half her dresser.”
Aspen cocked her head. “You know Mom is starving for company. She may just try to move in with you.”
“Oh, no.” Ginny waived her hand dismissively. “We may be sisters, but too much time together, and we fight like cats and dogs. I think with this week, in addition to my stay there that she will be ready to go. If not, I’m sending her to the bunkhouse.”
Lex watched the banter between the two with a whimsical smile. She missed the easy-going chatter that Aspen and her family shared. Her family was too loud. She got a headache anytime she visited. And Cassidy’s family, well they were a little too uppity for her comfort, too much money and too many airs for her liking. It was different with Aspen’s family. They were warm and welcoming, and she had felt instantly at home from the minute she met them. She did miss Aspen’s dad and uncle though. The sports banter was lost on the women. She shook her head and sighed. This was the home she wanted and instead of holding onto it, she had run and found an imitation to fill the void.
“Come on, Lex.” Aspen grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the studio in search of her mother. “I know Mom will want to see you.”
“I don’t know abo…” Lex’s words halted in her throat when she stepped into the kitchen and saw Aspen’s mom coming through the back door. She had always thought Aspen took after her mother, but after being apart for so long, the likeness was even more noticeable. She swallowed nervously. “Hi.”
“Lex.” Susan studied her face closely before pulling her into her arms for a hug.
Lex felt her warm arms encircle her and felt immediately relieved. She had expected censure and received welcome. She didn’t doubt that Susan would give her a piece of her mind, and she deserved whatever she got. But, to be ensconced in her warmth if even for a second was a welcome respite from the anxiousness she felt.
Susan finally pulled away and held Lex at arms’ length. “You didn’t say good-bye."
Lex lowered her head guiltily. She looked back up and realized that was all Susan was going to say. Properly chastised, she smiled ruefully. “Just add it to my list of transgressions. You can cut down on my Christmas presents this year.”
It had been a longstanding joke in their family that Aspen’s parents liked Lex better and her pile of presents at Christmas had always been bigger. Susan narrowed her eyes and gave Lex a stern look. “Don’t worry. Your pile of coal is bigger than normal.”
Lex's laughter filled the room, and any awkwardness at their reunion melted away. She nodded at Susan’s bags. “Can I take those up to your room?”
“Of course.” Susan stepped aside and winked at Aspen over Lex’s head.
“Thank you.” Aspen mouthed the words, silently thankful that her mother hadn’t decided to give Lex a piece of her mind. Ginny did a good enough job of that very early on. Lex had slinked away with her tail between her legs after Ginny had finished with her. No doubt, Ginny had filled her mom in on the trip home, and her mother had decided to spare the poor woman another round of abuse. Although, Aspen thought, she probably did deserve it.
Aspen gave her mother a quick hug and smiled. “How was the trip up?”
“Long.” Susan leaned in. “Don’t tell your aunt that I said this, but lord, that woman can talk. I was trying to read my Kindle thingy you got me, and she just kept talking.”
“I would offer to get her a reader, but I’m thinking her driving and reading at the same time is not such a great idea.” Aspen hugged her mother again. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, honey.” Susan studied her daughter’s face and frowned at the sadness that was evident there. “How is the arrangement working out?”
Aspen shrugged. “Oh, it’s okay. She’s gone a lot so I don’t really even see her all that much.”
Susan sensed there was more that she wasn’t saying. “What about when she is there?”
“Mmm, it’s fine. We get along okay. Just like having a roommate I guess. We work around each other easily enough.”
Susan opened her mouth to ask another question when loud footsteps from the stairway stopped her. She watched Lex step off the bottom stair and flop down in a chair. “Goodness, Lex, you always were such a loud walker.”