by Syd Parker
“Please.” The look in Lex’s eyes coupled with the ache in her voice almost did Aspen in. She resisted the urge to pull away, playing down the quickening beat of her heart. Lex felt her relax. She took a lemon wedge and rubbed it over Aspen’s wrist slowly, sending shivers racing up and down Aspen’s spine. Lex could feel the electricity as it coursed through their bodies and left her fingers tingling. She sprinkled sugar over Aspen’s wrist. Barely breathing, she repeated the gesture on herself. She picked up her shot glass and gestured to Aspen’s glass. “You go first.”
Aspen picked up her shot glass. She shivered, still feeling Lex’s skin against hers, even though they were no longer touching. “Hmm.” The sound was somewhere between a breath and a moan and Lex smiled. There was something about Aspen’s voice that she loved. It was sexy in a sweet, innocent way, much like Aspen. The noises she made always sent Lex’s body into overdrive. The first few months they had been together, Lex had spent hours just listening to her talk. Hell, she could have read the dictionary and found a way to make it sexy. “Okay. I’m thankful that my mother is finally getting out and having a life.” She swallowed her shot then slid her tongue along her wrist, savoring sugary sweetness mingled with the tart bite of the lemon. She set the glass down with a quiet thud. “Your turn.”
“Umm.” Lex cocked her head sideways and stared into the fire. There were a thousand different things she could say. Right now, in her fantasy world, everything seemed right. “I’m thankful the Sox finally broke the curse of the Bambino and won two World Series.” She smiled sheepishly and threw her shot back, the contents warming her body from inside out. She poured the next round of shots and handed Aspen a lemon wedge, not sure she could touch Aspen again without taking more. “Next.”
Aspen grabbed her glass. She needed a few more before she could calm down. This little tradition was opening her up and making her more vulnerable than she wanted to be. “Okay, I’m thankful that I’m finally getting to put my art out for the public.” Aspen downed her vodka and licked her wrist, feeling the tart juice pucker her taste buds and twist her face into a comical scrunched up look.
Lex chuckled softly. “You’re adorable.” She caught the sideways glare and laughed even harder. “What? You never could do the lemons without total face contortions.”
“I’m glad you think I’m so funny.” Aspen feigned indignation. When they had been married, Lex would normally kiss her right now and tease her about tasting something sweet to counter the tartness of the lemon. Instead, they suffered through an awkward moment of silence where both remembered all too well the electricity that they had once shared. Now it only simmered below the surface, an ever-present reminder of how their bodies called to one another. “Lex, I can’t…”
Lex put her hand on Aspen’s arm to silence her and nodded once in understanding. She was silent a beat longer, before she resigned herself to what she needed to say next. “I wanted to say I’m thankful that I got to spend Thanksgiving with you.” She emptied her own glass before Aspen could object. She saw Aspen look at her questioningly. “What? That’s what I’m thankful for.”
“Why do you have to be so sweet?”
Lex shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess you bring out the best in me.”
Aspen cocked her eyebrow. “Is that so?”
“Yes.” Lex couldn’t answer any differently. She did feel like Aspen made her want to be better. It was unfair to compare the two women, but Cassidy had never inspired improvement. Lex was content with the take it or leave attitude. Not in a cavalier, uncaring way. More in a what you see is what you get way, and so far that suited them just fine. However, now, she wondered if it was enough anymore. “You always did. I guess somewhere along the way, I got lost. I’m just reminded lately of how far off course I got.”
“You’re not off course.” Aspen added quickly. “You’re just on a different course.” She could see the far-off look in Lex’s eyes, and she felt a small tinge of fear and knew she needed to turn the conversation around before Lex pulled her back in. She looked away from Lex and inhaled deeply. She wished putting distance between them wasn’t so hard.
After several seconds, Lex knew Aspen was closing off, and she desperately wanted to keep the connection they had. She handed Aspen another lemon and waited while she rubbed the juice over her wrist and sprinkled it liberally with sugar. She repeated the process on her own wrist and waited for Aspen to say what she was thankful for. The alcohol was starting to warm her stomach.
Aspen tapped her lip thoughtfully. “I am thankful I’m starting to find myself again.” She lifted her wrist to her mouth, but Lex grabbed her arm and held it softly. She pinned Aspen with her gaze, and before she could resist, Lex slid her tongue over Aspen’s wrist. Aspen stilled, the feel of Lex’s tongue on her skin made her heart beat furiously. She closed her eyes and gave herself to the moment, her stomach fluttering wildly. She lost herself in the space between reality and her dreams, feeling her body tighten with pleasure. God, it would be so easy. If only…The if only brought her hurtling back, and she pulled her hand away with undisguised quickness. Her blue eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“I’m sorry.” Lex at least looked contrite, but the deep flush of her skin and her shallow breathing gave her away. She had been more turned on by that small gesture with Aspen than she had ever been with Cassidy. She shouldn’t compare them and honestly, she had tried not to, but it was becoming increasingly difficult lately. She leaned back against the couch and willed her heart to slow down. It took even longer for her breathing to return to normal. She felt the need to explain herself. “A, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” Aspen’s voice was stern, but she couldn’t hide the tremor in her voice. “You’re with Cassidy. This is the course you chose.”
“Then why does it feel like I’m hopelessly lost?” Lex asked quietly. “Why have the last few months with you given me more clarity than I have had in years? It’s like all this time away from you; I’ve been looking at the world through a dirty window, all the while thinking that the view was just fine. But then I’m with you, and you clear everything up for me. It’s like seeing things clearly for the first time in years. I don’t question my choices or where I want to go. I don’t feel unsure of where I am in the world.”
“Lex, it has nothing to do with me.” Aspen said quietly. She didn’t want to feel anything more than she already did and Lex’s admission made her heart ache. What she wanted, no needed was to make it through the next two months with her heart intact, and Lex was making it very difficult. “You are just getting to a point in your life where you know what you want, and you can finally allow yourself to see it.”
“I do know...with one hundred percent certainty.” The answer was right in front of Lex. It was what she wanted all along and had fooled herself into believing she didn’t need it. She needed Aspen. She needed to love her and to be loved. However, loving her wasn’t enough. She needed to spend her life loving her. She needed to hold her, to feel their bodies pressed together, to let her body show Aspen everything she felt inside. “A, I need…”
“Lex, don’t.” Aspen saw the look of longing in her eyes. It went beyond any physical hunger she had ever seen in Lex’s eyes. What Aspen saw mirrored there was her own need. It was like her body’s need for air or water. Her body, heart and soul would always crave Lex. They were joined, soul mates who had been created for each other, each other’s perfect match. They would always call to each other, but Aspen knew they could never be together. Too many hurts pulled them apart; too much life had been lived, until now, when they were side by side they no longer fit together. No matter, how much they tried, the spaces between them were too much to overcome. Or at least they were for Aspen. “I can’t go back there. Too much has happened. I’m not the same woman you left all those years ago.”
“I’m not either.” Lex knew that if there was any way that they were goin
g to move forward, she needed to prove to Aspen that she had changed. “I’ve grown up too.”
“Aww, honey. I know you have. That’s the thing, we have both grown up. We just grew up in different directions.” Aspen wanted to believe the sage advice she was doling out, but a quiet voice deep inside kept reminding her how good it had been and how wonderful it felt to be with Lex again, if even for a short time. She took a deep breath and tried to keep some of the resolution that five years had forced her to have. “You can’t turn back time or act as though it didn’t happen. You taught me how to love and even more so what I deserve. Well, what we both deserve. So now, I’m going to take those memories and tuck them back away. I am going to take the lessons we had and let myself live again. It’s what I need to do to survive.”
Lex tugged on her pony tail nervously. “So there’s absolutely no chance for us again?”
Aspen felt tears stinging her eyes. This was either her chance to follow her heart, risking everything on someone who had hurt her so much. Or it was her chance to finally say good-bye. She felt her heart rip in two as she knew she would follow her head and not her heart. “No, Lex, there isn’t.”
Pain flashed in Lex’s eyes. “You know I might actually believe that if I didn’t see this.” She reached over and cupped Aspen’s cheek in the palm of her hand and wiped a single tear away with her thumb. Her gaze held Aspen. “Tell me you don’t love me.”
Aspen leaned into the caress, wishing she could make her body understand what her head was saying. The heat radiated between them, and she felt her body tremble against Lex. Four words—that was all she needed to say. Four words that would free her, and she couldn’t make her mouth say them. They screamed at her from inside her head, and she prayed Lex would hear them. The battle that waged between her heart and her mind sent shivers down her spine. The tears she once held at bay were slowly cascading down her cheeks and as Lex gently wiped each one away, Aspen felt her heart shatter.
Lex could see the struggle in Aspen’s eyes. It broke her heart. Had Lex been strong enough, the last five years never would have happened. Tonight would have been like every other Thanksgiving they had shared, and they would have already been in bed showing each other how grateful they were. However, fear and failure made her run. Now, five years later, she didn’t want to run anymore. She wanted to stay and face life with Aspen beside her. She just needed to break through to Aspen’s heart and show her. “I’m sorry.”
Before Aspen could even register the whispered apology, Lex narrowed the distance between them. Aspen felt Lex’s soft lips against hers, and she melted. Hours, days, years disappeared until the only time that mattered was this moment. Aspen’s strength left her body, and she gave herself to Lex. She opened herself, and Lex’s tongue slid between her lips and brushed against hers, sending shockwaves down her body. She felt the warmth of Lex’s palm caress her cheek softly and the rightness of the moment singed her sensitive skin.
Lex felt Aspen lean into her kiss, and she slid her palm around the back of her neck and pulled her even closer, her tongue exploring every inch of her sweet mouth. All the memories came pouring into her head, waves of history flooding her senses. This was what felt right to her, felt like her home. All the years away from Aspen had only sharpened her need until she was acutely aware that there would be no other place in the world except for beside Aspen. Giving herself to the kiss, she poured everything she was feeling into their union and hoped that Aspen could feel what Lex’s body was telling her.
Aspen shuddered against Lex, the first of many as they shared what seemed to be an infinite kiss. Lips melded together in sweet passion, tongues dancing in perfect rhythm as their bodies remembered the rightness of their mate. Aspen’s body searched for Lex's, and her hands traced down the ripples in her arm, slowly memorizing the soft planes in her forearm. She felt her breasts brush against Lex's, and a low moan built deep inside her. Aspen’s body was on fire, an ache so acute that she couldn’t breathe from the pain of it. She felt her chest tighten and her stomach clench with a longing that was deeper than any she had ever felt before. The torment broke through the haze, and she pulled away guiltily.
Lex felt the cool air hit her lips, and she missed Aspen immediately. She didn’t need to see the agony in her eyes to know she had pushed too hard. Tears welled in Aspen’s eyes and Lex’s reached to wipe them away.
“No.” Aspen shook her head and clenched her fists. This wasn’t what she wanted, at least not the way Lex was giving it to her. Her feelings were leftover from years of wanting, and she couldn’t allow them to reign free. She pulled away from Lex like a wounded animal looking for safety. She saw Lex start towards her, and she moved further away. “No, please don’t.” She scrambled to her feet, pausing when she saw the hurt in Lex’s eyes. A part of her wanted to give in and fill the aching void in her soul, but the part of her that had ached all those years knew it would be temporary and walking away a second time would hurt her more than she could take. She pushed Lex’s hand aside. “Don’t touch me…please. Just let me go.”
Lex opened her mouth to reply. She could see fear making Aspen’s body tremble, and she knew that she had caused it. Tonight, five years ago—it didn’t matter; Lex had taken everything they had shared and tossed it aside. Aspen didn’t owe her anything, and here she was, sharing her life so that Lex could divorce her and move on. Nevertheless, here was Lex still taking everything and giving her nothing in return. The selfishness of it hit her squarely in the gut, and she shuddered with the weight of it. Suddenly, she understood the gravity of her actions. “I…I’m so sorry, A. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Aspen watched the emotions play across Lex’s face, and she knew that Lex had finally realized what had made her leave and what made her take something that wasn’t hers. She couldn’t deal with it though. She had spent the last five years making a mess of her own life, and she didn’t need the anguish of trying to figure someone else out, especially someone that had hurt her so bad. The hurt of abandoning Lex made her heart ache, but this was her time to heal. She had started on this journey to figure out how to let go and holding onto a past that had shattered her in pieces wasn’t going to help. Aspen had to look to her future; she had to let herself live. Seeing the look on Lex’s face made her realize that this time, she needed to be the one to say good-bye. That was the only way she was going to move forward. She slid back down to her knees and cupped Lex’s face. She smiled wearily. “I have to let you go, Lex. I can’t keep holding onto yesterday. The images, the feelings, those are the things that are etched into my soul and will never go away. I will always love you, but I won’t let myself be with you again. It hurts too much.”
Lex’s lips trembled softly. She let out a deep breath. As much as she wanted to fight Aspen, she knew she was right. They would always love each other, that much was a given, but too much had happened between them to go back. “I know you’re right, even if my heart tells me it’s crazy to try to live without you.” Even as she said the words, she felt her heart split in two and knock the wind out of her. She couldn’t describe the sheer agony she felt. Tired and broken, she smiled through her tears. “I won’t ever love anyone like I loved you.”
“I know.” Aspen whispered softly. “Love her better than me.”
Lex winced. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Yes, you can.” Aspen put her hand over Lex’s heart. “You have the capacity for great love. You just have to put her first. Love her more than you fear yourself. That was always our problem. I realize that now. You were too afraid to give me all of you. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Don’t be afraid to love, Lex. All the great loves hurt; that's how you know it’s real.”
“But she doesn’t make me hurt like you do.” Lex couldn’t explain the feeling she was having. Never good with words, she struggled to find the ones she needed right now. She put her hand over Aspen’s and clasped it to her chest. “No one does. Everything inside me tells me this is ri
ght. I can be what you need.”
Aspen shook her head. “Lex, this isn’t what I need anymore. Being here with you has made me realize that I stopped living all those years ago. Even up until a few months ago, I would have let you back in, but I can’t now. I’ll always cherish what we had. You are such a special woman. However, I have to make my own life now, find my own identity. I can’t let myself be defined by what we were. I have to let go. I am letting you go.”
Lex heard the finality in her tone, and she let out a sigh. She knew there was no more she could say or do to change Aspen’s mind. “I don’t think you will ever know how sorry I really am.”
“Oh honey, I know.” Aspen smiled. “Promise me that you won’t give up on yourself again.”
“I won’t.” Lex said wearily. “So this is really good-bye."
“Yes.” Aspen nodded. “This is really good-bye. Or maybe it’s a hello to something better. Either way, what we had was yesterday.” She pulled her hand away and cupped her palms against Lex’s cheeks. She wasn’t fighting the tears anymore; she let them stream down her face. She pulled Lex to her and captured her mouth against hers. It was a sweet and gentle kiss, the hunger from earlier all but gone. This was their good-bye kiss.
Lex felt Aspen’s lips tremble against hers, and she crumbled a little more. She could feel the good-bye in her kiss, and it broke her heart. She moved against Aspen, all the love she felt poured into this bittersweet kiss. When Aspen broke the caress and pulled away, Lex could see something new in her eyes. “I love you, Aspen.”
Aspen smiled a sad smile, her eyes a mix of sorrow and determination. “I love you always.” She pulled away and stood up in front of Lex, her hand caressing her cheek one final time. “Goodnight, Lex.”