Sven and I pull ourselves together and I dress in some bell bottom jeans and an orange tube top, with my hair down in waves, accessorizing with beaded necklaces, bangles, some silver rings and my wooden platforms.
“I know no bra is all the rage, but I swear to God, with your stiff nipples under a tight shirt, or your titties bouncing free under a loose shirt, you could convince any man to do just about anything you wanted.”
His words have me laughing as he reaches out and tweaks one of my nipples, which is something he really likes doing. I smack his hand away and give him my back as I walk past. When I get downstairs, I see Gwen and Joseph have already left and I want to get to the bar even more now. I’d heard of Blade’s Tavern, but we’ve yet to go. It’s the bar Sven told me about so long ago, where you can go up and sing on stage.
Bikes line the outside of the building. I’ve never been to this side of town before. It’s desolate and I can tell it’s where guys come for a break from the highway and maybe wouldn’t be welcome inside Plantain. A few semi-trucks are parked beside the building and across the street by a small gas station. As we enter, a guy is on stage with the band, singing, “Do You Know What I Mean” by Lee Michaels.
“You can tell the band any song and they’ll play it. You just sing,” Sven says as I stand there with my mouth agape. This is the best idea I’ve ever heard of.
“Faye!” Gwen hollers over the music, as Sven grabs my hand and guides me further into the bar, since I’m still watching the band.
Turning when we stop, I see the usual crowd is here, along with club members I’ve met from parties. Gwen moves her butt over in the chair and I sit, sliding beside Boo-Boo. We exchange smiles as Gwen hands me a beer and kisses my cheek.
“Where’s Shine?” I ask.
She gives me a look of annoyance as she lights a cigarette. “Her and Jasper are fighting in the back or something.”
“American Woman” by The Guess Who is now playing, and even though he’s not in my line of sight, I know Sven is talking with someone behind me. It seems like an hour or so after we’ve arrived when he places his hand on my shoulder, just as Boo-Boo stands.
“I’ll be back in a little bit,” Sven tells me, leaning down to whisper in my ear.
I turn and give him a smile, kissing him and pulling back, only to be brought back to his lips. He knows I’ll be thinking about this kiss long after he’s gone and I know he will be too.
“Where are they going, do you know?” Gwen asks, as we sit there with the other women, sporadic empty seats peppering the tables.
“Just some club thing is what Sven told me earlier,” I shrug.
Moments later Shine’s walking in the front door. She reminds me of Cher with her dark skin and long, straight, dark hair. She’s thin with a set of amazing boobs and, today, a black eye. I inhale deeply and remind myself it’s her life. She sits down in Boo-Boo’s seat and reaches for the half-empty pitcher of beer in front of us, filling his abandoned mug and taking a long drink from it. People cheer around us as the song ends and the guy puts the microphone back on the stand.
“Who’s next?” a voice asks through the speakers and then I hear Gwen holler from beside me, “Right here!” as she lifts my hand up in the air.
I startle a moment, then feel the rush of adrenaline I got before a pageant and smile at Gwen. The women cheer me on as I make my way to the stage and think of what I want to sing.
“Janis?” I ask the band as I step on stage.
The drummer nods and some titles are thrown out until I tell them “that one.”
Clearing my throat, I turn to face the bar as the guitar builds and I start singing “Me and Bobby McGee.” The drums come in and Gwen and Shine hoot as the song continues. As it goes on, I realize that most everyone is singing along with me and now I’m filled with a feeling I’ve never had before while singing on stage: enjoyment. I love this. The song ends and the chords to “You’re So Vain” start to play, so I guess the band wants to keep going. We do a few songs in a row, and I even get Gwen and Shine up to sing a Motown song with me.
Eventually, I notice Tippy there. While I shouldn’t be surprised, I am since there’s no guys here right now. But as I consider that and sing “Where you Lead” by Carole King, I notice the men coming back in the entrance. One remains in the shadows of the hallway, just watching me as I sing the song directed at him now.
Finishing the song to enthusiastic applause, I jump off the stage and make a beeline toward him. Sven’s face comes into the light just before he’s pulling me against him and backing us into the hallway. His eyes gaze at me with enlarged pupils and his lips part with a soft smile as he moves us toward the bathrooms.
“What?” I squeak, just before he pushes us through the ladies’ room door and lifts me up onto the counter.
“You singing, I fucking-makes me so fucking hard.”
His hands are shaking, like he’s racing with adrenaline and I’m almost shocked since I didn’t know he got so turned on from me singing. But then I wonder what he was doing with the club and maybe that’s what’s got him going. His fingers make quick work of my shorts, tossing them aside as he parts my legs and rubs his hard-on against my crotch. I bite his lip as I undo his belt and buttons, pulling him out and guiding him. He enters me with one hard thrust as he curls over me, hands on my ass as he bows his back and begins kissing my neck.
“Oh, Sven,” I breathe out, my hands wrapping around his torso to hold on as he drives into me.
My eyes flutter, then pop open as the door beside us opens. Tippy stands there, her movements halted as she watches us.
“Fuck. God, your pussy feels so fucking good. I only want to fuck you forever,” Sven groans and I can’t help but be thankful for the opportune timing. I smile to myself as Tippy sheepishly backs out of the bathroom.
Moments later, Sven’s groaning as he comes inside me, breathing heavily against me. “Let’s go home,” he pants.
“Okay,” I reply, equally out of breath.
“Joseph and Gwen are going to the park for the night to camp, and Boo-Boo’s spending the night with a sweet bottom in my club apartment. So, that means I can fuck you all night, in every room of the house.”
The idea has my belly fluttering with anticipation, even though he’s still inside me at the moment. We haven’t been alone in the house for ages and the promise almost has me feeling like a teenager again.
“What’s gotten into you?” I smile. Not that he’s not always wanting sex, but this is different, urgent, like something’s propelling it.
“Everything. You, no bra, coming in and hearing you sing, an empty house, the run with the club…I’m just…happy.”
“What did you guys do?” I ask and he sighs, giving me a look I know means he can’t tell me and I give him a small smile, dropping the subject.
PART TWO
1975
23
MISSY
The next year is filled with life’s usual ups and downs, but mainly ups. Sweetie’s about to head back to school, Sven’s been working a lot for the club, and I’ve been trying to make babies with Sven. I’m still working at the police station, much to the chagrin of Nadine, who makes it a point to drop by during the course of the day to check on Milton, and glare at me in the process. Boo-Boo, Gwen and Joseph still live with us, and now another friend of Sven’s from Vietnam has moved to Plantain and is also living at the house- Chilly. He’s one of the coolest of the guys I’ve ever met, plus tall, dark and handsome, with the deepest voice I’ve ever heard. I often get him to sing Barry White. When he first showed up on the doorstep, green army bag in hand, afro adorned with a red bandana tied around his forehead, I had no idea who he was. Until I noticed his shiny vintage motorcycle in the drive and knew he was another guy Sven met in the military. Chilly’s been with us for almost three months now, and I like having a house filled with friends whom I now consider family.
Sweetie’s taken a liking to Boo-Boo and I love that my little gir
l can connect with these larger-than-life men and have them waiting on her hand and foot. It’s so cute. The day I walked in on them in her room, Boo-Boo sitting cross legged on the floor as Sweetie pointed to the alphabet she’d taped to the wall, telling him each letter, brought tears to my eyes.
“What’s this one?” she asked, pointing to the letter ‘S.’
He sighs and narrows his eyes.
“What does it look like?”
“A snake,” he tells her. “And I remember you telling me, snakes hiss, and a hiss sounds like sssss, so it’s…S?” he questions.
“Yes!” Sweetie smiles. “Now how about this one?” she asks, then notices me in the doorway. “Hi, mama. Boo and I are learning to read together, but he needs to learn his letters first,” she tells me.
Boo-Boo turns his body to look at me and shrugs.
“That’s great, guys, keep up the good work! Cupcakes may be waiting downstairs for my hard workers,” I smile.
“Yes, I love your mom’s cupcakes,” he tells Sweetie, returning his attention to her.
Moving down the hall, I grab some clothes I think are Sven’s off the floor and walk into our room. He’s standing by the bed, putting clothes into a bag. Glancing over his shoulder, he gives me a smile before looking back at his bag.
“How long are you going for?” I ask, sitting down on the bed.
“Seven days, may be more, maybe less.”
I sigh and push his hands away from the bag, removing all the clothes and begin repacking it better myself.
“You’ll be fine without me, probably won’t even miss me,” he teases.
“It’s our anniversary,” I whisper.
“And we can celebrate when I get back,” he assures me.
It’s not even that he’s missing it, but just him being gone for a whole week, I don’t like it.
“Gwen’s going to visit her family, Sweetie’s going to camp, I’ll be alone.”
“What’s Shine up to?”
“Jasper will probably have her locked up in a dog cage or something,” I reply.
He lets out a small laugh, although the idea’s not that far-fetched. His hand cups my cheek and I look up at him. “I’ll be back before you know it.”
I smile and turn my face to kiss his palm. That night, Sven and I make love, then fall asleep tangled together, wrapped around him like a vine.
Before I know it, Sven’s waking me at dawn to tell me he’s leaving. Then, Gwen and I are driving Sweetie and the neighbor girl, Sofia, over to the school to board a bus for camp at the state park a few miles away. I’m teary eyed because this is the first time she’ll be gone for multiple days in a row. But I know she really wanted to go and I just want her to be happy. I also know I can go over to the park anytime to see her. After lunch, I drop Gwen off at the airport to fly to Alabama. It’s weird being alone, and as I drive the Gremlin back into Plantain, the urge to not be alone, has me passing my house and heading toward where Shine stays. Her yellow Volkswagen Beetle is in the driveway and the front door is open as I park behind her and let myself in through the screen door.
“Hey,” she greets me in the tone of voice she always uses. It’s sort of like she’s stoned and very mellow.
She’s sitting on the couch, kimono on, tarot cards in hand. “I was just about to light a joint and get mystical, you in?” she asks.
“Sure,” I say, dropping my sack purse by the door and rounding the table to sit on the other side of her.
“Really? You’ll let me do your cards?”
“Why the hell not,” I shrug, resting my elbows on my knees.
“Right on!” She smiles wide and places the cards on her lap, stretching over to grasp a lighter and already-rolled doobie from her box.
We smoke, passing it back and forth, until she gets up, puts Fleetwood Mac on the record player and lights some incense, before coming to sit back down. I watch as she puts the cards out in some sort of order, face down. I’m half out of it when she turns them over one by one, telling me the meaning of each. I’ll live a long life, with struggles, have potentially one more child, die alone and something’s going to hurt me.
“Thanks,” I smile, but really, what does any of that mean?
She then re-shuffles them, as I stand and go into the kitchen, looking for something to eat.
“If you’re bored, I have some LSD…been holding onto it until the right time. You wanna?”
I grab a box of cereal from the cabinet and re-enter the living room as she turns the cards over for herself.
“Damn,” she mumbles and I lean over to see a card with a witch looking person, a snake and some other ominous stuff.
“What’s that mean?” I ask, crunching on the cereal.
“Death. I get it every time,” she says more like she’s annoyed with having done it wrong rather than the card meaning anything. “So, acid- yes, no?”
I’ve never done it and stop to think, no better time than now I guess.
“Okay…but is it gonna mess me up like the shrooms?” I question.
“I’ve only had really groovy experiences, eye-opening. But sometimes people have bad trips. I got this from a really solid dude, so I think it’s good shit,” she tells me.
I sit on the couch as she stands and moves to the record player, putting on The Doors’- “Riders on the Storm” before pulling a box down from the bookshelf and retrieving a baggy. I’m not nervous, I’m too high from the weed for that, but there is a slight feeling of uncertainty about trying this. But it’s just me and her, and I can stay over if I trip hard or something. The music begins and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath as Shine sits down beside me.
“Open your mouth,” she tells me, and without opening my eyes, I do. I feel nothing, but she then says, “Okay, close your mouth.”
I do, and sit back and listen to the music. I don’t know if it’s from the pot, because it can’t be from the acid this quickly, but I notice colors begin to swirl behind my eyes. Maybe not colors, but brown, whirly patterns that I try to follow. Then the sensation grows stronger and I begin to get dizzy, before a numbing feeling comes over my entire body, tingly and fuzzy as I melt into the couch.
“Wow,” Shine says beside me, then her hand takes mine.
She inhales deeply and I turn my head, willing my eyes to open. I see her sitting like me, eyes closed. We sit there for a long while, the music flowing over me as she begins to trace circles on my palm with her thumb. Thunder crashes in the song and it feels real, and I consider momentarily that maybe it is. Lights flash under my eyes while the smell of the incense reminds me of strawberries and I envision myself walking naked through a field of them. Then Sven is kissing my neck, and his hand is on my legs. But the lips and hands are too smooth and I realize it’s Shine. I moan as my head turns to feel more or the electricity on my neck from her lips.
“Oh shit,” I hear over the music. I see Sven watching me and Shine.
“I’m sorry,” I say aloud, or at least I think I do.
“No, it’s okay,” he says, cupping my cheek. “I like it,” he adds, placing a rough hand on my thigh.
“I like it too,” I reply, my voice soft and slow.
“I’d like it more if you kissed her lips.” His mouth moves slow and his voice is slowed also, and I feel like I nod before my head’s being turned with the hand on my cheek until lips are against mine.
There’s vague awareness of kissing and being kissed, touching and being touched. But somewhere in my head, I know Sven can’t be here. When I will myself to open my eyes, I can’t, and then, nothing. Time goes by, and it feels like an eternity passes as I’m stuck in this feeling of euphoria. When my senses alert me and I feel like I’m coming out of the fog, I feel something in my arm and hear him talking, but then warmth rushes all through me and I’m out again. Someone’s carrying me, and the vibration of their chest as they speak rumbles against my side. Then I’m floating.
“Missy?”
The echoes of a voice rattle aro
und in my brain, over and over. Bright lights are in front of my eyelids and I slowly and with a lot of effort, peel my lids apart. It’s so bright and strong, they close again and I turn my head to avoid it.
“Missy?” Boo-Boo’s voice is there.
“What’s going on?” I ask, but nothing comes out that I can hear. My throat is dry, and hurts, but he must understand.
“Sven sent me home early. We didn’t hear from ya all weekend. You were with Shine and Jasper.”
“Jasper?” I whisper, my voice a little stronger. “I don’t understand.”
“He didn’t go on the run with us. Ivan made him stay back. Missy,” he pauses, “Do you remember what happened?”
I shake my head, bringing my hands up to cover my face since I feel sick. I feel nauseated and sweaty. The thin sheet of my bed feels like it’s on fire. I kick my legs to get it off me and my whole body feels engulfed in flames. I breathe hard as my stomach turns and this is different than being hungover or something.
“We did LSD on Friday.”
“You don’t remember anything else?”
My palms press into my eyes as I practically writhe on the bed. I don’t know what’s wrong with my body. It’s craving or needing something and I don’t know how to control it.
“No!” I say loudly, my voice cracking with the exaggerated effort. “Why? What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?”
“It’s Monday, Missy. And…when I got there, Jasper was shooting you up with something. Shit, I gotta call-”
“Don’t call Sven,” I plead, reaching out for him since I still can’t manage to open my eyes. “Please, please, fuck, help me!”
“Shit, I don’t know what to do!” he says, just as loud and panicky.
I feel like I’m dying, literally dying. My insides are being twisted and now I’m freezing and thirsty. Boo-Boo leaves the room and I hear him talking in the distance as I pull the covers over my head and burrow, trying to get comfortable. This goes on: hot, cold, miserable, pain, agony. Really, I’m dying, I must be.
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