“We touched the stars together. Come get me when it’s time. I love you.”
Resting my head on his chest, I close my eyes and listen as his heart begins to slow. I hold on to my man and hum “Peaceful Easy Feeling” by the Eagles to him. When the line, “I want to sleep with you in the desert night. With a million stars all around,” comes, I sing the words into his ear and feel as he takes one last deep breath before slipping into another phase of life.
38
MISSY
It takes a long time to adjust to Sven not being here. Here. Seems such a simple word for the expanse of what it actually means in that connotation. He’s not with me, or at home, or at the clubhouse. For some reason, it sometimes feels like that, like he’s here but just not with me. Then I realize he’s not anywhere anymore. It’s been a long time since the house has been empty and that’s hard too. Over the years, the guys who crashed with us off and on eventually all rooted somewhere. Even when it was just me and Sven, there was still someone here. But now, I’m alone.
Right after, the chaos of the funeral and wakes, planning things and preparing for those ceremonies, helped me cope or at least delay the breakdown looming over my shoulder. But at night, I wore his t-shirts to bed just to smell him. I’d curl up against his pillow as if it were him and fall asleep to memories behind my eyes.
I was completely numb during the funeral, Kendall and Dornan by my side as friends and family spoke about what an amazing man Sven was. It hurt too much and I now understand what Owen meant when he lost Shine, it’s a memory too painful to remember. Not that I want to forget the life we shared, or him as the man he was. It’s just easier to not surround myself with it all, to make it hurt a little less.
“Here you go,” Drag- well Nathan- says as he hands me a cup while I stand at the sink and wash dishes. The girls had offered to do them for me after the wake, but I needed the busy work.
“Sven loved you,” I tell him randomly, no pretense, as I look at him. I see my words stop him and his eyes flicker with sadness.
“You too,” I add as Smokey comes up with hands full of dirty plates. “He really looked at you like you were sons. It meant a lot to him that you all valued his opinion so highly.” I smile to myself.
“He was like a dad to me, closest thing I ever had,” Smokey says. “I always wanted to thank him for helping me as a kid, hell, my whole life. I really loved him.”
“He knew,” I affirm, looking between the two and I see Nathan’s eyes brimming with tears before he gives me a nod and the two men walk away.
It warms my heart knowing that all Sven ever wanted was family and connection and in the end that’s what he had.
“Who’s Dr. Hastings?” Dornan asks as we fill out thank you cards for flowers sent and attendance of mourners who came to Sven’s funeral.
“He was our therapist, mine and your dad’s,” I tell him, not looking up as I finish writing my note on a card.
“Therapist?”
We’d kept a lot from Dornan, pretty much everything that happened before Shine died.
“Kendall didn’t tell you about us, before you?” I ask, looking at him.
His brows furrow and I reach out to run my hand under his chin. Always my concerned boy. Setting the pen down, I inhale deeply. My boy, who’s now a man, a husband and a father. His eyes still are those of my baby, the boy who’s always been concerned for me.
“Before you were born, I had some trouble with drugs,” I tell him openly.
It’s hard for me to tell him my truths, because I know he sees me one way, as his mom. Not like a person who’d lived a life before and during his existence.
“You did?”
I nod. “And I neglected to care for your sister. I did a lot of stuff, things I still to this day don’t remember, but I know your sister does.”
His piercing blue eyes look at me, as me, not as his mom for the first time ever. His eyes remind me of Sven and my heart hurts.
“It’s okay, Mom,” he tells me, reaching out a hand as my eyes begin to tear up. I give him a smile in thanks, but hiding the emotion I’m feeling.
“So, what, this doctor helped you get clean or something?”
“Yes, Dad went to see him to talk about the war at first, then we just kept it up together to keep our communication going. It was us time. When you were little that was our time to touch base as partners and adults.”
Dornan nods, looking back down at the paper. “Dad had a hard time after Vietnam? He never talked about it. I know he was buried with medals but I don’t know how he got them or anything,” he says.
I smile, pride for Sven filling me as I tell Dornan the stories I’d gathered over the years from listening not only to Sven, but to the stories Joseph, Rocket, Chilly and Boo-Boo recalled.
**
Daisy Westmore, Skye and Drag’s daughter had started dating my grandson Wyatt. Wyatt, was a perfect mesh of his parents and Sven. He and Sven were close, and I knew Wyatt had confessed to loving Daisy from afar to Sven and they often spoke about her. Again, I knew how important family was to Sven and like things were with Dornan, they then became with Wyatt. Sven was the guy everyone went to talk to and he’d listen, offering advice when needed and I think that’s what created such amazing men in our lives.
Wyatt took it the hardest of the kids when Sven died. Dornan told me that Wyatt had decided to take a break from medical school, something Sven and I were unbelievably proud of him for and was going to stay with Kendall in Montana. I’d hoped the time away would heal him, soothe his broken heart, but I knew he was vulnerable and lost. I can only imagine how Maven and Dornan felt, as parents, seeing their children so sad. But Wyatt came back practically as soon as he left, started dating Daisy and began a new chapter in his life.
It catches me off guard when Wyatt offers to take me home one night after Sunday dinner, a tradition kept by the next generation, that now took place at Dornan & Maven’s. Wyatt then proceeds to ask me how I met Sven, which lead to the story of us. I gave him the PG version, and left out the stuff a grandson wouldn’t want to hear about his grandma doing. But I told him everything. How I lied at first about Kendall being mine, how Sven wanted to be married but I didn’t, the parents I came from, the drugs, his grandma Shine, her troubles with Jasper, my name change, that Sven and I killed Jasper. About when I found out he and Nolan were born, even though I’d not met them, and thought maybe I never would, I loved them to pieces and always would. It felt good to be honest, 100 percent honest, other than the titillating details he didn’t need to hear.
I’m feeling reminiscent and at ease when he leaves several hours later and I head up to my bedroom for the night. I’d recently got the strength to wash Sven’s dirty clothes and had them sitting in a laundry basket. I wasn’t ready then to fold them and put them away, because yes, I still had all his things, but now I was ready. However, as soon as my hands grab the first shirt, my feelings of being settled and at peace vanish. Taking his shirt in my hands, I bring it to my face and cry against it. This pain can’t haunt me forever, take me over like it’s slave anytime it wants and I silently plead for Sven to come for me so I don’t have to live without him anymore.
Moving toward his dresser, I open the top drawer, making room for his clean clothes when my fingers slide over something hard and I retrieve it. A black ring box shows itself and I already know it’s the ring Sven planned to give me this year, on May 9TH, just like every year before this. With a deep inhale, I pop the top open and see a stunning marquise-shaped opal set in white gold. Round diamonds circle all around it, with a baguette cut diamond on either side where the band is. It’s breathtaking and as beautiful as all the amazing rings he’d gifted me over the years. Just as always, I slide the ring from the year before off and replace it with the new. In the process, I see a small piece of paper folded and tucked into the box. Unfolding it I see Sven’s handwriting and my eyes blur with tears again as I read.
My love, you’ve made my life something
to live for day by day, year by year. You’ve given me children and a home and this ring, just as everyone before, symbolizes your beauty and the life we made together.
Forever yours, Sven.
**
My grandkids, who gave me a third shot at being a motherly figure, dote on me the most now that I’m alone. Irys comesover for dinners, along with the other older ones, at random times. I know it’s more to check up on me, but I enjoy the company. Irys is a creature that just mesmerizes me, she has since she was a baby. Her eyes are blue like mine with flecks of hazel and gold from her mom and Shine. She reminds me of Shine, so much. But she’s a little like me too in ways. She loves having her hair done and nails painted. She’s a girly-girl like me. As with Maven, I catch myself watching her and seeing so much of Shine, pretending Shine was there too and was able to witness all the life she produced during her short one. Irys gave me my first great-grandchild, Connor. He was beautiful and precious, and I saw in Irys that she would be an outstanding mother.
Slowly, oh so fucking slowly, I got used to being alone. Waking up in an empty bed, making food for one, not needing to buy socks for him anymore. I was adjusting, but not healing, if that makes sense.
I was in the Plantain diner when I overheard a group behind me talking about Milton and how he had dementia and was living in a group home in Bannister. I hadn’t spoken to my old friend in many years and it hurt my heart a little to hear he was going through something so awful. I decided to head there and see if he needed the company, because I sure did. At first, he didn’t recognize me as me; rather, he thought I was his first-grade teacher. I soon realized there was no point in continuously explaining to him every visit who I was and how we knew each other, because it rarely clicked. Every now and again he’d look at me and see me as Faye, adding I looked old and where was he, only minutes later disappearing into the blackness again. We’d sit in his room or the day room at the center, I’d bring him coffee and the newspaper, and I’d read it to him as he looked out the window. The nurses told me he looked forward to my visits and on the days I didn’t come around he’d ask for me. I then began going every day since I had nothing else to do. Again, I got that feeling that I’d want someone to do this for me.
“Missy,” Milton Jr. called after me one day in the parking lot of the Plantain doughnut shop. I’d grabbed a half-dozen for my visit to the center and knew his dad would be happy for one.
“Milton, I mean, Chief Milton,” I nodded
“I heard you’ve been going and visiting with my dad,” he stated.
“That illegal?”
“My mom doesn’t like it,” he responded.
“Your mom should be the one there, not me. Until then, she can be grateful someone’s visiting him.”
Milton died on Tuesday morning, moments before I arrived for our visit. I sat with him until his wife got there, but she didn’t say a word to me. I wanted to attend the visitation but knew there’d be issues, so I decided to be civil and just watch the burial from a distance and out of sight.
Everyone was getting older. Joseph died and eventually so did all our friends. Rocket, Boo-Boo, Chilly. Gwen and I were both now in this new phase of life, the last phase, but we at least had one another, as always. And it felt like we’d come full circle. We’d been friends since the beginning, made all these long-lasting relationships to now it just being us again. We went on trips and spent most of our time together. We were in talks about her moving back into my house when I had my accident. Well, I’m not sure what happened actually. We’d been talking in the living room and then it all went black.
I know I’m not conscious. I know I’m not physically aware, but I am inside. I can hear and see, but I can’t respond with words. It’s settling to know that this life is near over and that my life will continue after I’m gone. I’ve lived an amazing life. All my things are in order, including giving my oldest grandson Nolan my house. I know he’ll make it his own and give new life to the old beauty.
I’m in a hospital bed, the view unfamiliar around me when I can get my eyes to open. Dornan’s there, Wyatt’s beside the doctor as they talk, probably about me and my condition. Every time I open my eyes, Dornan’s there, either beside me or in the room somewhere and it makes me confused about how long I’ve been here. When my eyes open, he’s always coming to me, asking me if I need anything, if I can hear him. I want to reply that I can, but nothing happens.
My grandkids, as well as Maven, Skye, Nathan, Smokey, Emily, Katie, Joey, Gwen, they all come and spend time by my side. Sometimes all together, sometimes just one or two, but I’m never alone. One sunny morning though, I wake to the room empty and my eyes search frantically for my touchstone, Dornan. Then, out of the corner of the room, Kendall comes beside me, taking my hand after a long moment of looking at me.
“I know I never talked to you about my resentment and I know you didn’t know about a lot that happened when I was little. Maybe I didn’t want to make you feel worse or bring up the pain, and now it’s easier because of your condition. But I want to get it out. It wasn’t fair that I made you blame yourself and think you deserved the way I treated you…but I felt like what happened to me was something I deserved and in turn I wanted you to live that way too. Now that I’m a mom and through therapy, I can’t believe the way I treated you and I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to say sorry and like a coward I let the shit go on between us longer than it needed to be. I can’t blame you for the things that happened to me when you were on drugs, the people you left me with and what they did to me. I know that now. I still have the fifteen page letter you sent me when I was in college, I still read it sometimes too. I understand now, I understand.”
“I’m sorry,” I try to say, and I think I do, because she looks at me shocked almost. “I love you.” The words and voice don’t sound like me, rather garbled and restricted.
“I love you too, Mama,” she whispers and leans down to kiss my forehead.
From then on, Kendall and Dornan never leave me. Kendall, Maven and Skye play the Motown music I love on their phones for me to hear, along with brushing my hair and doing my nails.
**
There’s whispering in my ear, and I recognize Gwen’s voice telling me it’s okay to go and that she’ll meet me there. I attempt to squeeze her hand, but I’m not sure if I do. With all my strength, I will my eyes to open but when they finally do, the rooms empty and I begin to panic for a moment until someone appears in the doorway, the figure blurry in the darkness of the room. Then I see more figures beyond the doorway, all looking in. The figure approaches and before I can even see clearly, I know it’s Sven. He looks as he did when we first met, with his golden blond hair and beard, all scruffy and rough looking. That same reaction comes over me like it did the first moment I laid eyes on him outside the diner.
“Sven,” I state.
“You ready to go?” he asks, reaching his hand out.
I stand and notice the people in the doorway. Owen, Joseph, Rocket, Boo-Boo, Chilly, and Shine. All smiling and looking as they did when they were younger.
“But I,” stopping as I look down, seeing I’m not in a hospital gown, but my old ratty bell bottom jeans. Putting my hands out, my skin’s young and tan, rings and bracelets like I used to wear adorning my fingers and wrists. Reaching up, I touch my face, smooth and unwrinkled, then my hair, long and thick as my fingers comb down to the ends.
Sven steps closer, taking my hands as he looks at my face.
“Ready to touch the stars again with me?”
END
PLAYLIST
Marvin Gaye- Heard It Through the Grapevine
The Four Tops- I’ll Be There
Martha and The Vandellas- Dancing in the Streets
The Mavelettes- Please Mr. Postman
Mountain- Mississippi Queen
Neil Young- Heart of Gold
Tony Orlando and The Dawn- Knock Three Times
The Partridge Family- I think I love You
Jo
e Walsh- Rocky Mountain Way
Lee Michaels- Do You Know What I Mean
The Allman Brothers- Ramblin Man
Lynyrd Skynyrd- Gimme Three Steps
Creedence Clearwater Revival- Fortunate Son
Three Dog Night- Mama Told Me
The Guess Who-American Woman
Janis Joplin- Me and Bobby McGee
Carly Simon- You’re So Vain
Carol King- Where You Lead
Rick Derringer- Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo
Grand Funk Railroad- Some Kind of Wonderful
The Doobie Brothers- Listen to the Music
The Doors- Riders on the Storm
Todd Rundgren- Hello It’s Me
ZZ TOP- Tush
Blue Oyster Cult- Don’t Fear the Reaper
The Eagles- Heartache Tonight
The Bee Gees- More Than a Woman
Genesis- No Reply at All
Jackson Browne- Doctor My Eyes
Nick Gilder- Hot Child in The City
Exile- Kiss You All Over
Steely Dan- Hey Nineteen
Red Rider’s- Lunatic Fringe
Gino Vannelli- I Just Wanna Stop
Fleetwood Macs-Landslide
Ambrosia- Biggest Part of Me
Christopher Cross- Sailing
Toto- Africa
Robbie Dupree- Steal Away
Chicago- 25 or 6 to 4
The Eagles- Peaceful Easy Feeling
Free Bird Page 35