I laughed, shouting back that it was mostly due to Smartie that the cats had been found. Leaving Mum talking to someone she knew, I walked over to say hello to Amber and Louise. They were with another girl who I recognised, but for a minute I couldn’t place her, until Amber said:
‘Nic, you know Kelly, don’t you? From the vet’s?’
‘Yes, of course.’ I smiled at her. ‘Hi, Kelly. Nice of you to come tonight.’
‘She’s with me,’ Amber said. Her face looked unusually flushed. I’d assumed it was from the heat of the barbecues.
‘OK,’ I smiled again, completely missing the point, assuming they were neighbours on the estate, or had bumped into each other and walked round together.
‘I mean,’ she said, looking at me more directly, ‘Kelly is with me, Nic. We’re together. She’s the Plus One I told you I was bringing.’
‘Oh!’ I said, the light finally dawning. ‘Oh, I see. I’m sorry, I didn’t … I mean, I wasn’t aware…’
I tailed off. It was no good pretending I wasn’t stunned. I’d known Amber since we were children. We’d been through our teenage years together, as close as sisters, having crushes on various boys at school, fantasising about pop stars, giggling in our bedrooms about sex … about boys, only ever boys. I’d been in touch with her over the years, but never picked up any hint that she now preferred girls. Not even since I’d been back here in Furzewell, admittedly wondering why she was so reluctant now to talk about men or to discuss relationships at all, had it ever occurred to me that this might be the reason.
‘It was a gradual thing,’ she admitted with a smile as, a little later, we talked quietly together while Kelly chatted with Louise. ‘Not a blinding flash of light or anything like that. I just started, gradually, to admit to myself that, despite the boys in the past, I’d never really felt as excited by it all as I used to pretend. And I realised the way I sometimes felt about girls was different. But until I met Kelly—’ I noticed she couldn’t resist looking at her, and her face lit up as she did so, ‘—I’ve never felt like this. Never once in my life.’
I hugged her, feeling tearful with emotion.
‘I’m so pleased for you,’ I said. ‘I wish you’d talked to me about it, though – before.’
‘Oh, I was going to. When we met up again, that first day you were back in the village, I was desperate to talk to you about how I’d been feeling. Kelly and I hadn’t got together then, but we’d been chatting, whenever I took Benji to the vet’s, and…’ She smiled at Kelly again. ‘Well, I was obviously hoping…! But as soon as you told me you’d split from Josh, well, I realised you had enough on your plate. It wasn’t fair to start going on to you about my own issues. And then you started that thing with Craig,’ she added, pulling a face, ‘and I was so frustrated with you.’
‘Yes, well, I don’t blame you, now. I was an idiot. Just flattered by the attention, obviously. After being ignored for so long.’
‘Poor you.’ She hugged me back. ‘But you deserve so much better.’
‘Thanks, love. Now, come on, let’s get something to eat before this lot devour it all!’
We sat in small groups to eat our food, most of us on folding garden chairs we’d brought with us, others sitting on blankets spread on the ground. The talk among our own little group was mostly about the retrieval of the missing cats. Kelly had been on duty at the vet clinic when they were being returned to their owners, and she described how old Tommy Burrows had tears in his eyes when he was reunited with Ginger, how the Reverend Timms had fallen to his knees in the middle of the waiting room and given thanks to God, and the young guy with all the tattoos had actually burst out crying when he saw his little Petal was safe.
‘It moved me to tears myself,’ she admitted. ‘And Mr Brent looked pretty choked up too.’
‘Well,’ Simon said, ‘as this is now a double celebration, Craig and I thought it was appropriate to open a few bottles.’
‘Oh, Mum’s brought some wine as well. And some plastic glasses,’ I said. ‘And I think a few other people have, too.’
‘But it has to be fizz, surely, for a birthday,’ he said, producing some bottles of prosecco from a cool bag. ‘Hand the glasses round, Craig.’
I laughed and thanked them, and after they’d opened the bottles – which got everyone’s attention – and poured the fizzing wine, Simon raised his own glass and said:
‘Happy birthday, Nic. We’re all really glad you chose to come back to Furzewell.’
‘That was a nice thought,’ Louise said quietly, after the fuss had died down. ‘He thinks a lot of you, doesn’t he – Simon.’
‘Mm.’ I frowned into my glass. I glanced up at him and back at Louise, adding softly, ‘In fact I got quite worried a couple of weeks ago. He seemed to be saying … well, hinting, that—’
‘That he liked you? Aw. He’s such a nice guy, Nic.’
‘I know, but Lou, I don’t feel like that about him. I did try to warn him off, but it was all really awkward. It’s been fine since, but you know, I’d hate to hurt his feelings, or lose him as a friend.’
‘You’ll have to make sure he got the message, then. Good grief, woman, you’ve only been separated for a few months and you’ve got men falling at your feet all over the place.’
‘No I haven’t!’ I retorted, laughing. ‘And anyway, I’ve come round to my mum’s way of thinking, since the fiasco with Craig. Men just aren’t worth the hassle.’
‘I think you’re right. Frankly I haven’t got the time, anyway. I’m waiting till Eddie’s grown up and left home, then maybe I’ll have a series of flings, to make up for lost time.’
‘Sounds good to me!’
We clunked our plastic glasses together and, laughing, drank deeply to the idea.
‘Meanwhile,’ she added, giving me a happy smile, ‘I’m getting a dog.’
‘Oh, how lovely! You can join the Lonely Hearts Dog Walkers!’
‘I was hoping you’d say that!’ She laughed again. ‘Eddie and I have chosen her already – from the rescue centre in Plymouth. She’s a sweet little thing, two years old, mixed breed, and very friendly.’
‘Perfect. I’m so pleased for you both. Mia will be thrilled, too.’
We’d finished our food now, and I got up to put our paper plates into the rubbish sack. Louise got into conversation with my mum, and I drifted off to chat to the teachers from my school who’d come along. Everyone wanted to hear more about the cat rescue, and by the time we’d finished talking I was ready for another drink. I went over to the trestle table next to the barbecue where Craig and Simon had left the wine, poured myself a glass and sank down into a nearby chair, looking around the park, full of amazement that all these friends and neighbours had come here tonight for my benefit. I had no doubts anymore, I realised – no doubt at all – that this was where my future was. Where I belonged. Everyone here felt almost like family. In fact, I was actually beginning to think of the dog-walking group as my extended family. Even Sara and I, since we’d bonded over our dumping of Craig, had got along together so much better, I couldn’t really understand why I’d disliked her so much before. Amber had told me earlier that evening that Sara had fronted up to her and admitted she’d been terribly wrong to suspect her of having anything to do with the disappearance of the cats, making no excuses for herself and saying she should have known Amber would never hurt animals. I was pleased that particular falsehood had been put to rest, and I respected Sara for making the apology.
‘Hello!’
I jumped, sloshing some of my wine over my jeans. Simon had suddenly come up behind me and sat down in the chair next to mine.
‘What are you doing, sitting here all on your own in the dark? You looked as if you were miles away.’
‘Not at all.’ I smiled. ‘In fact I was just thinking that I never want to be miles away, ever again. I’m staying in Furzewell forever, until they carry me out.’
‘No need to leave, even then,’ he pointed out. ‘We’ve
got a perfectly good graveyard behind the church.’
I laughed. ‘I know. My grandad’s buried there.’
‘Ah. Sorry.’
‘It’s fine. We were both joking.’
We sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. If I was ever going to say anything, I realised – ever going to make absolutely sure that, as Louise had said, he’d really got the message – I’d probably never get a better moment. I took a deep breath.
‘Simon, there’s something I need to … get straight with you.’
‘Oh God. What have I done?’
‘Nothing.’ I smiled. ‘But I keep thinking about a conversation we had a while ago. After … well, when Sara and I were both still feeling a bit sore, you know, about Craig.’
‘OK,’ he said. ‘Did I say something wrong?’
‘Of course not. You were very kind, as always. You said, I don’t know, something about always being there for me, if I wanted to talk—’
‘There’s something worrying you now? Tell me.’
‘No, no there’s nothing. It’s just—’ I shook my head, searching for the right words. ‘Simon, I got the impression – sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick – but you said something about being very fond of me and, well, I need you to understand, before it gets too awkward between us.’ It couldn’t have been much more awkward than it was right at that minute. I closed my eyes and said the last part all in a rush: ‘I’m sorry but I just don’t think of you in quite that kind of way.’
There was a horrible, empty silence. I knew, straight away, that I’d got it all wrong. Either that or I’d offended him terribly. Or both. Probably both. I could feel him staring at me, and was only glad we couldn’t see each other’s faces properly in the dark.
‘What kind of way?’ he said eventually. ‘You didn’t think I meant … that I was interested in you?’
‘Oh. God. I’m sorry,’ I blustered. ‘No, of course not. I just—’
‘You did, didn’t you?’ He sounded as wretched as I felt. ‘Nic, honestly, I didn’t mean … Look, I think of you more like … well, almost like a daughter, as well as a friend, of course. I just, you know, feel like I want to help you, because you’re on your own, and, well, I see you as being a bit vulnerable…’
He tailed off.
‘Not that you’re not, obviously, very attractive,’ he added quickly, sounding almost panicked now. There was another excruciating pause. I wished I could just get up and walk away, away from the mess I’d made of this.
‘I’m really sorry,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean to offend you.’
‘You haven’t. Not at all. But, well, the thing is,’ he went on, ‘it’s not your fault, because I’ve never told you the truth. I suppose I thought you might have guessed, and you’d been kind enough not to mention it, as it’s, well, a sort of embarrassing situation really, us being friends like this, but it seems you hadn’t guessed, hadn’t realised at all, otherwise you wouldn’t have thought I was implying anything other than—’
‘What truth?’ I interrupted him, as it seemed he was going to gabble on awkwardly like this indefinitely. ‘What haven’t I guessed?’
It flashed through my mind now that he might be gay. That would explain it, wouldn’t it? Why he was so embarrassed that I’d thought he fancied me. Perhaps that was even why he’d been so furiously angry with Craig about the way he’d behaved – almost angrier than Sara or I had been. Maybe he’d been interested in Craig himself. Surely not? I stared back at him, through the darkness, trying to make out the expression on his face as he still, apparently, struggled to explain himself.
‘It’s like this, Nic,’ he began again more slowly. ‘I’m quite a bit older than you.’
‘I know,’ I said, with a little nervous laugh. ‘What’s that got to do with it?’
‘Well, I’m closer to your mum’s age than yours. Just a couple of years younger than she is, in fact.’
‘OK,’ I said, frowning. Where on earth was he going with this? And how did he know exactly how old my mum was?
‘Nic, I don’t mean any disrespect,’ he went on. ‘You’re gorgeous, I think the world of you. But I don’t fancy you, and there’s a very good reason for that.’
‘Go on,’ I said weakly. He was going to tell me he was gay, for sure. But why the big build up? Why hadn’t he been upfront about it in the first place?
There was a long pause. I began to think he’d changed his mind and wasn’t going to tell me after all. But then he sighed, shifted in his chair and said quietly, in a voice flat with his own disappointment:
‘It’s because I’m in love with someone else. I have been for years.’ He paused, and then added even more quietly: ‘The thing is, Nic, it’s your mum.’
CHAPTER 37
The prosecco had gone to my head slightly by the time we started to tidy up. A few people had already headed off home and when Amber came to say goodnight, she was hand-in-hand with Kelly. I gave them both a hug, and possibly told them I loved them. I’d found myself saying it to nearly everyone as the evening progressed.
‘Come on, birthday girl.’ My mum appeared through the dispersing crowd and grabbed my arm. ‘Time to go. Are you sober enough to walk?’
‘Cheek!’ I retorted. ‘I’m no worse than you.’
Calling out goodnight to the last few stragglers, and carrying our garden chairs, we strolled back out of the park and down the road.
‘Mum,’ I said, after we’d walked in silence for a few minutes, ‘why haven’t you told me about Simon?’
‘What about him?’
‘Come on. You were going out with him, weren’t you? For almost a year, he said.’
‘So?’
‘Well, it must have been pretty serious. He gave me that impression, anyway. He still seems very keen on you. And he’s such a lovely man—’
She stopped dead in the street.
‘I hope you’re not going to start telling me who I should or shouldn’t go out with?’
‘Of course not,’ I soothed her quickly. ‘But you’ve always led me to believe you haven’t had any serious relationships – just “fun” things. So I was naturally quite surprised when he said—’
‘I can’t help what he said.’ She started to walk on again, briskly now, so that I had to rush to catch her up. ‘But as far as I’m concerned, it was just a bit of fun. I told you before that I had one boyfriend who got too serious. Well, now you know, it was him – Simon. That’s why I finished it. I’m not interested in a serious relationship, with him, or anyone. You know that. And that’s the end of it.’
I could see I wasn’t going to get any further with her on the subject. And really, it was none of my business. I’d just felt so sad for Simon when he’d described how Mum had been the first woman he’d really liked since his wife died, but that he realised she enjoyed her single life too much to settle down with anyone.
‘She was badly hurt by my dad,’ I’d explained to him.
‘I know. She told me – what a terrible story. I can’t blame her for losing her trust in men, in relationships. I just wish she’d have let me prove to her that we men are not all like that.’
I’d kissed him on the cheek and said I wished it too. I’d ended up feeling glad, after all, that we’d had that difficult talk. But sorry that I couldn’t do anything about it.
The next day was my birthday. Mum had bought me two lovely new warm jumpers, ready for the winter ahead, but my best present was the ring at the doorbell that signalled my daughter being returned to me.
‘Happy birthday, Mummy!’ she squealed, giving me a hug right there on the doorstep, and then producing a rather squashed package from her coat pocket. ‘It’s your favourite,’ she said excitedly, obviously unable to keep the secret a moment longer. ‘Chocolate fudge.’
‘Ooh, lovely,’ I said, hugging her back. ‘Thank you, baby.’
Then I looked up. Josh was following her up the path, carrying a small parcel himself. It was even gift-wrapped. For a
moment, I wondered if it must be for someone else. But no – looking slightly awkward, he handed it to me and wished me a happy birthday.
‘Just a small token,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to unwrap it right now.’
But I wanted to, because I could feel that it was a book, and I was hoping it might be the new novel by my favourite thriller writer.
‘Why don’t you come in for a moment,’ I found myself suggesting before I could regret it. Even Mia looked at me in surprise. Josh hesitated briefly and then, with a little cough of something like embarrassment, followed me into the hallway. We both must have been aware that this was the second time he’d been in here since the separation. We weren’t exactly making a habit of it, but it was twice more than I’d ever expected.
‘Let’s just sit in the kitchen while I open this,’ I said, feeling as awkward as he appeared to. We sat down at the kitchen table and I ripped off the paper. ‘Oh! Brilliant, I’ve been wanting to read this. Thank you. But I certainly didn’t expect—’
‘Of course you didn’t,’ he said, looking down at the table. ‘Why would you? I never bothered before, did I? Well, not for a long time. Not since…’ He tailed off, and we stared at each other. ‘Since what happened,’ he finished uncomfortably. For a moment we were both silent, and then he added, ‘Nothing was ever right after that, was it? Not for either of us.’
‘No, well, that’s water under the bridge now, isn’t it,’ I said briskly. ‘But thanks anyway. And for bringing Mia back.’
‘We should have talked about it, Nic,’ he said, his voice now sounding shaky with urgency. ‘If there’s one thing I’ve realised, since you left, it’s that we never talked about it, and we should have done. We let it fester, and it ended up killing our marriage.’
I got to my feet, almost knocking over my chair. My heart was racing with panic and there was a burning in my head, behind my eyes.
‘I think you should go now,’ I heard myself saying, ushering him towards the door. ‘See you in two weeks.’
The Lonely Hearts Dog Walkers Page 29