What should I do, what should I do?
Oh God, what should I do?
What if you’re pregnant?!
You’re not pregnant. Stop freaking out.
What should I do…
I finished showering, brushed out my hair and then re-wrapped in a towel, realizing I didn’t have any clothes. Just as I had the thought, there was a knock and Wy called, “Ruthie! Marsh gave me a clean shirt for you! Hey, you in there?”
I tightened the towel and then stepped with damp toes to the door. I eased it open scarcely a foot, and Wy said cheerfully, “Room service!”
I told him, “Thanks, buddy,” accepting the new clothes. I still didn’t have any panties and would have to put up with my dirty jean shorts again, but Mom would be bringing my things today.
And she’ll expect me to come home with her too.
My heart and my gut both clenched at this thought. Back in the bathroom, I put on my bra and inspected this new t-shirt, getting all weak-kneed and smiley despite everything, as I read maroon words on gray material: RAWLEY FAMILY REUNION, JALESVILLE, MT, 2008.
I dressed and made the bed, pulling the blankets severely tight, smoothing out every last wrinkle. I could hear a great deal of activity from the direction of the kitchen, male voices bantering; I could smell the rich scent of coffee drifting upwards, along with breakfast. I realized I could not stay up here. Just the thought of Marshall somewhere nearby, probably just downstairs, made my heart clang hard. Anticipation flooded my blood and my senses, quivered along my nerves.
I can’t be near him because I can’t act normal!
You don’t have a choice!
My internal radar was firing madly as I descended the stairs, instantly zeroing in upon the object of my absolute desire, who was dressed in faded jeans and a pale blue t-shirt that fit him really well, his dark hair damp, pouring milk into his coffee as I entered the kitchen. The air between us crackled and sparked. I felt blinded, as though lightning had actually seared my retinas, my heart the only sound I could hear, everything else receding to the distance.
Marshall was totally still for a fraction, his eyes sending a bolt of heat straight into me. I felt like I had to sit down, fiery-hot and full-body flushed. With extreme effort I tore my gaze from his because Clark was in the process of welcoming me to help myself to breakfast. The other sounds in the room came rushing back to my ears – Wy laughing with Sean about something, Quinn asking his father when the hell some insurance check he was waiting for would arrive. Marshall brought the coffee mug to his lips, watching me silently over the rim as he took a sip; his eyes were deep with concern.
My fingers trembled as I reached for a cup. Someone stuck his head in the front door – Gus, I realized, Case’s little brother – and hollered, “Wagon’s rolling out, guys, c’mon!”
“The boys are heading to Case’s,” Clark informed me, as Wy, Sean and Quinn all grabbed travel mugs and made to leave. Marshall moved a little more slowly, but he was clearly going with these guys. I tried to keep breathing as he came near, only to have to walk past me to leave, but he paused and asked, with as casual a tone as he could manage, “Will you walk me out?”
I braved his eyes and melted all away; he was looking at me with such tenderness, but there was an undercurrent of distress flowing from him that I could clearly sense.
Yes, I said without sound.
Out under the sun, I was surprised to see an actual horse-drawn wagon waiting at the far edge of the old barn, loaded with hay bales, and upon which the guys were all climbing to hitch a ride – everyone except Marshall, who drew me gently to the side and ignored his brothers (though they weren’t paying us any attention at the moment), saying intently, “Dad just told me that your mom is driving from Bozeman right now. I feel like I’m dying, Ruthann.” Quietly he said, “Tell me you’re staying here. I can hardly breathe right now.”
“I want to stay here,” I whispered. “I’m so scared, Marshall. I don’t know what to do.”
“Stay,” he implored in a whisper, and his eyes were so intense that my heart ached with each beat. He gently traced the tip of his index finger over the word RAWLEY on my chest and said, “I love seeing you in this shirt with my name on it…”
“I won’t leave until I tell you what I’m going to do,” I promised, tight and hot with tension, rapt with longing to hold him and feel him holding me back. I knew I needed to do the right thing, but at this moment I didn’t know what that was – I only knew what I wanted.
Pain flinched across his face, but he drew himself together and then said hoarsely, “Let me hold you, before I go.”
His throat was raw, I could clearly hear as he spoke those words. Without hesitation, I wrapped my arms around his waist and clung, pressing my cheek to his collarbones. Tears seeped from my eyes and wet the neck of his blue t-shirt. Marshall crushed me closer and kissed my temple, and then he drew a ragged breath and put me gently from him. His eyes were wet and I could tell he was having just as much trouble breathing normally as I was. He swallowed hard and whispered, “Okay then,” and he walked away, towards the wagon.
I wrapped into my own arms and watched him move away from me under the bright sun. All of the guys on the wagon were by now staring speechlessly and unashamedly at us – but I didn’t care. Marshall paused at his truck, grabbing his cowboy hat from the driver’s seat, and as he settled it over his dark hair he looked back at me, his gray eyes driving into mine across the distance separating us. Just seconds, and then he continued to the wagon where his brothers waited.
I stood watching until the wagon had disappeared from sight, down the road towards Case and my sister’s place.
Tish, I thought then, dashing inside and grabbing my phone. Clark looked up from the paper he was reading, in surprise.
“I have to call Tish,” I explained, and hurried back outside; down the road, the dust stirred up from the wagon wheels hadn’t yet settled.
“Ruthie, I didn’t get to hug you good-bye,” Tish complained upon answering. “Mom and everyone left about an hour ago. God, it was so good having you here.”
She sounded tearful and I plunged in with, “Tish, I want to stay here.”
My heart rejoiced at the truth of these words, even as my mind shrank with the dismay of having to tell other people the same news.
My sister said at once, “Then stay!” Good old unflappable Tish. She went on, “I had a feeling you might. Is it because of Marshall?”
Since I was talking to Tish, I said, “Yes,” and though she wasn’t always particularly observant, she heard something in my voice.
But she knew me well enough to ask, “Have you told you-know-who?”
“Do you mean Mom or Liam?” I asked. I was pacing near the corral fence, certain that Clark was probably looking out the windows in puzzlement.
“Liam, of course,” my sister said. “Shit, he’s the one who’s going to have a problem with this, not Mom. Well, maybe Mom a little…”
“Not helping,” I told her. Cider stuck her long nose over the topmost beam of the fence and nickered at me, and I walked directly to her, cupping her square jaw with my free hand. I told Tish, “Your horse is letting me pet her right now.”
“Oh kiss her for me,” Tish said. “I miss her so much. I can’t wait to see everyone. How’s Buck? Is he healing up all right?”
“He is,” I assured her. “I know this is crazy, I do, but I want to stay here. I mean, it doesn’t feel crazy to me, I’m just worried that’s what people will think. But I don’t care. I want to help you guys figure everything out.” I damned it all and confessed, “I want to be near Marshall…there’s something I need to tell you…”
“Did he kiss you?” Tish asked, and at this I actually smiled, despite everything. My sisters really did think I was completely innocent, at all times. She added, “I’ve known how much he likes you for a long time now, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried something like kissing you. He must have. And you must have liked it.�
��
Oh, had I ever liked it.
I admitted softly, figuring I didn’t need to tell the whole truth just at this second, “He did kiss me. A lot. There was a lot of kissing.”
Tish giggled. She said, “I’m so happy. Hey, call Mom right now and then call me back. And you can live with Case and me, for now.”
“No,” I said at once. “I mean, I can’t impose. I wouldn’t do that to you. And Al offered me a job – “
“Oh good, he said he was going to,” Tish interrupted. “I’ll call him and tell him you’re taking it.”
“No, I can do that. But thanks,” I said, and then my phone beeped and I saw that Mom was calling. I told Tish, “I’ll call you right back.”
“Hi, Mom,” I said to answer, and fortified myself for what I was about to tell her.
“Hi, love,” said my mother, sounding like her usual chirpy self, now that things were all right with all of her children again. “We’ve left Bozeman, honey, and we’re heading straight home. We’ll be there to pick you up in about an hour.” She paused and because it was Mom, who had a sixth sense about us, she asked immediately, “What’s wrong, Ruthie?”
Beside me, Cider gave a companionable whicker. Oreo emerged from the barn doors then, clomping directly to us, and the presence of the two horses reassured me. Without preamble, I said, “Mom, I’m going to stay here for a while, in Montana.”
There was a pause and then Mom said, “Wait, I think we cut out. Did you say you want to stay in Montana?”
“I did, Mom, there’s no bad connection,” I said, feeling a rush of exhilaration. I was doing something for myself, for once, and my heart beat hard with the thrill of it.
“But how in the world will you get home?” Mom asked.
“I can always buy a plane ticket,” I told her. “Can you just drop off my things? I’m out of clothes to wear.”
“Ruthann, wait a second. How long are you planning to stay?” Mom sounded as though she had forgotten that I wasn’t twelve years old anymore.
“I’m not entirely sure,” I admitted. I rushed on, “I promise I’m not going crazy. I really miss Tish. I really want to live near her again for a while. I want to…be somewhere new. Al offered me a job here.” I paused, hearing Camille in the background, asking Mom what was going on. I said into the phone, “Mom, do you understand?”
I pictured my mother’s face, her golden-green eyes that had always looked upon me with so much love, such devotion. I had never doubted my mother’s love. I did, however, doubt her capability to truly regard me as a grown woman, able to make decisions for myself without consulting her first.
“But what about your things?” Mom asked, and in her voice I could plainly hear notes of both confusion and doubt.
“I have everything I packed,” I said. “Can you maybe mail me a box with the rest of my clothes?”
It wasn’t as though I had a large amount of possessions anyway; I didn’t even own a car back in Landon. When it came down to it, my life revolved primarily around other people – my family, who I loved dearly, but who had a rather fixed and long-set understanding of who they believed I was: sweet Ruthann who was always there when anyone needed me. Whether it was to pick up a shift at the café or watch the kids, I was the one they depended upon. It wasn’t that I begrudged this – not truly, but it was frustrating. And they severely took for granted the fact that I never complained.
“But, honey…” Mom sounded at a loss.
“Jo, let her be,” Aunt Jilly said then, probably from the passenger seat. “Ruthie needs a change of scenery.” She raised her voice a little and said to me, through the phone, “Ruthann, do what you need to do. We’ll send your things to you.”
“What about Liam?” I heard Clint ask, as though mystified. He said to Mom, “Can I talk to her?”
Mom passed him the phone and a second later my cousin’s familiar voice came over the line. He said, “Have you talked to him today? He thinks you’re coming home. Did you guys…did you guys break up?”
“I’ll see you in a little bit,” I said, unwilling to answer that right now.
“I think you should probably call him,” Clint insisted.
“I will,” I promised, and then hung up. My blood was swift and hot in my veins and I stared up at the bluest of blue Montana skies. I let my phone fall to the earth. I hugged Cider’s neck in pure joy. I told her, with a growing sense of excitement, “I’m staying here, girl. I’m staying in Jalesville.”
Oreo whinnied and delicately side-stepped as a third horse came from the barn; I saw that it was Arrow, Marshall’s gorgeous gray. He was aloof, not venturing near the corral fence, though he watched me intently with his left eye. I studied the beautiful animal; he was just the color of his master’s eyes, and my heart battered my ribs at the thought of what Marshall’s eyes would look like when I told him I was staying here.
“Maybe we can ride over there right now,” I said speculatively, only half-teasing, eyeing Arrow, who snorted at me, his nostrils flaring as he whooshed a big breath. Behind me the front door to the house opened.
“Ruthie, everything all right out here?” Clark asked.
I turned to face Marshall’s dad and my smile was so wide that his bushy white eyebrows lifted and he smiled in response, almost inadvertently. I said, “It is now.”
***
Becky Rawley drove me into town, after Mom, Aunt Jilly, Camille and Clinty had dropped off my things and resumed their drive home to Minnesota – Mom was tearful and Clint was confused, but Aunt Jilly and Camille understood, I knew, even without so many words. Camille studied my eyes and smiled a little as she tucked hair tenderly behind my ears; she whispered, “I can tell you’re happy. Go for it, little Ruthie.”
Aunt Jilly caught me into a tight hug and added quietly, her soft voice in my ear giving me a shiver, “He’s the one for you, love, I can tell. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
Marshall Augustus Rawley.
I loved saying his full name in my mind. I wanted to text him, call him, stop out to Case and Tish’s to tell him that I was staying, but I was determined to get a few things accomplished first. And besides, I didn’t have his number in my phone yet.
As we drove, baby Tommy in his car seat behind us, Becky said, “Ruthie, I’m just so glad that you’re staying here. Oh man, Marsh is going to flip out. If you had only seen the way he pined for you, back when we came to Landon that summer. We’d get back to the Angler’s Inn in the evenings and he’d sit out on the balcony porch and just stare into space. I know he comes across as such a goofball, such a joker, but he’s pretty tenderhearted beneath it all. I’m not saying he’s any saint, and I know because I’ve known him forever, but if you could see the difference in him now that you’re here. It’s pretty major.”
“I wish he would have told me how he felt back then,” I said, thinking of that particular July, imagining Marshall at the familiar inn in my hometown – I’d been so clueless then, and the thought of him hurting made me all the more desperate to see him now, to get my arms around him.
Soon, I promised myself. First, you need a job. And a place to live. And it occurred to me that I needed to get back on birth control pills as soon as humanly possible.
I admitted to Becky, “I had no idea. But he did try to show me. He just used the wrong tactics at the time.”
Becky giggled. “Garth tried to tell him that the junior-high routine was not a good plan. Poor Marsh was so jealous of that big blond guy you were dating, it was almost painful. But you’re here now, and that’s what really matters. I can tell you like him, too, and it makes me so happy. Garth said the same thing after he saw how the two of you acted around each other at Case’s.”
“I do like him,” I agreed softly, even though that statement was severely understating my feelings. I added, “A lot,” and Becky smiled warmly at me.
Our first stop was Howe and James, Attorneys-At-Law, where we found Al out front on this early Monday morning, scraping paint
from the window with a flat-edged tool. As Becky parked, Al came directly to the passenger door and opened it, informing me with a smile, “Tish called and it sounds like Jalesville has another lovely new resident. Becky, hi there!”
“Good morning, Al,” Becky said.
“I would like to accept the job,” I told Al, formally.
“In person, even,” he teased me. “I couldn’t be happier, nor could your sister. And Tish said you need a place to stay – just so happens that one of my rental properties is across the street, above Trudy’s.”
I should have known Tish wouldn’t be able to contain my news. I said, “That would be wonderful. I don’t really have a lot of things…”
“Well the place is tiny anyway, I’m just forewarning you. And we’ll get you squared away with some furniture.” Al said. He gestured at the front window of the law office as Becky unbuckled Tommy from his car seat, saying, “I’m just readying the glass for a new paint job – Attorneys Howe and Spicer, from this moment forth. I thought Tish might appreciate her new name front and center. Come along, I’ll give you a quick tour.”
Inside the office it smelled pleasantly of books and coffee; I recognized Tish’s things on the desk to the right of the entrance, near the window. An elderly woman with carnation-pink glasses and matching lipstick took my hands after Al introduced me, saying, “I’m Mary Stapleton, my dear. I was just your age when I started here. What a beauty you are. Look at those curls. I would have known you for Patty’s little sister anywhere.”
Patty? I wondered, almost giggling, but I only said, “Thank you, ma’am.”
“Let’s say Wednesday?” Al asked. “You can use these two days to get settled and then Mary can show you the ropes.”
Until Tomorrow Page 18