by Aiden Bates
Derek sat back. "I don't know. Your dad never broke your arm."
"True." She looked at him for a long moment. "Do you ever think about going back to school?"
"Not really." Derek snickered. "School costs money, and I've got no idea what I'd study. I like music. It's a bit of a grind, but I like it."
"Hm. Because you're pretty good at helping people with their issues. You've got a good instinct for it. I think you'd have a pretty good career in therapy or counseling." She toyed with her pen. "It's something to think about, anyway."
"I think being a DJ probably pays better," Derek laughed.
"Not if you're only working one job." She wagged a finger. "You can't work three jobs forever, Derek. Eventually you're going to run out of energy."
"Maybe." Derek looked away again.
"Look, you're already getting tired a lot faster than you had been before. I haven't known you all that long." She looked around to make sure Carmela was safely in her own room before continuing. "Is it that much of a strain taking care of Carmela?"
Derek scoffed at that. He knew perfectly well why he was so exhausted, and that it had nothing at all to do with Carmela. "Carmela's amazing. She's like the awesome little sister I never got to have. I can't think of a better fifteen-year-old girl to spend my days with. No, I'm not tired because of her."
Ayla got very still. She was usually a fairly dynamic conversationalist. It came from having lived in New York City for so long. "How's your appetite, Derek?"
Derek slouched in his seat and turned his gaze toward the popcorn ceiling. "It's not that great, actually."
"I'd noticed you weren't eating much. I chalked it up to stress, but you've been avoiding certain foods. Have you suddenly developed a tomato allergy?"
Derek squirmed. "Something like that."
Ayla's gulp was audible, even at the distance between them. "Oh. Is it one of those allergies that's going to go away in nine months?"
Derek hung his head. She wouldn't be able to see his ashamed face behind his hair, or the tears he couldn't hold back. "More like eight, or seven and a half. I'm not sure."
Ayla dropped everything in her lap in her mad dash for the bathroom. Derek cringed as he heard the awful sound of her retching. They could probably hear her retching three units over.
The toilet flushed, and Ayla staggered back to the room. She was still wiping her mouth. And hell, if Derek hadn't already chosen to give the baby up for adoption that would have sealed the deal right there. He couldn't bring a baby into a world where the child's family vomited at the thought of its impending arrival.
"Sorry." Ayla blinked, and the clarity returned to her eyes. "I'm a little—that was a little bit of a shock. Tell me you guys were using protection."
"Of course we were." Derek folded himself up into a tall, thin ball on the couch. "It's possible the condoms were a little old, I don't know. Contrary to the stereotype of the single omega, I don't exactly have a revolving door on the bedroom."
Ayla softened. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you did." She bowed her head. "Have you told him yet?" She looked away. "I shouldn't make assumptions. He is the father, right?"
Derek huffed out a little laugh. "He got me pregnant, yes. And no, I haven't told him."
"Why not?"
Derek forced himself to meet her eyes. "Don't you think he's got enough on his plate without piling this on? He's dealing with the stuff with your dad, and it's serious. He doesn't need or want my drama on top of it."
Ayla's hackles rose. "A pregnancy is not your drama. He put that baby there. It is drama that belongs to both of you, damn it. He can damn well support you while you try to find a way to deal with it." She bit down on her knuckle.
"Look, I know this isn't the niece or nephew you want." Derek turned his head away. "It's okay. And I do have to tell him eventually. But right now, I'm trying to be there for Carmela, trying to be supportive to Alex, and I'm trying to cope with an unwanted pregnancy while a gang of criminals are trying to kill me. I'm not eager to lose that one little illusion that's keeping me hopeful right now, and he's going to be furious when he finds out."
"You don't know that." Ayla stuck her chin out. "I don't think you're giving Alex enough credit here. He's not a bad guy."
"He's not." Derek looked back at her. "But let's be real here. I'm not his partner, I'm not his lover. I'm not even really his friend. I'm the guy he's screwing. We've never been out together. We've never even been together in his apartment. He comes over here and hangs out, and sometimes we have sex, but it's on his time, not mine. He doesn't see any possibility of us getting together for real. He's never even suggested going out for coffee. He's never even stayed till morning.
"You don't honestly think he's going to find out there's a baby on the way and suddenly get hit by some kind of arrow from Cupid, do you? Not when your whole family hates me." He shook his head.
"Our whole family doesn't hate you," Ayla murmured. She sat back down. "Derek, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. You shouldn't have to. It shouldn't be on you. You should be able to just go up to your partner and tell him the truth." She rubbed at her throat. "Are you doing okay? Feeling okay, that sort of thing?"
"I'm tired." Derek closed his eyes. "I'm tired, and honestly it's hard to be cheerful right now. I'm trying. But it's not easy." He paused for a moment. "You're the only person I've told."
"That's a big honor." Ayla reached out and took his hand. "At least you're not puking. When it was me, I puked almost constantly the whole time. Of course, I didn't get any prenatal care. That probably didn't help."
Derek acknowledged that by raising his eyebrows, and then the reality of her words hit him. "When it was you."
She laughed, bitter and nasty. "No one knows, except the folks at the hospital and the adoption agency. Yeah. The priest dumped me off not too far from an ER in Harlem when I couldn't do my job without puking. I had picked up syphilis while I was in captivity. The priest thought I was going to die, and he didn't want to be stuck with a corpse, so he dumped me. I made my way to the ER, they gave me an emergency C-section, and I got cured of all the little infections I'd picked up.
"I surrendered the baby. I didn't even want to know the sex. I didn't see it. I didn't want to. If I got attached, it would be harder to give it up, and there wasn't another realistic option. I was sick, and oh yeah—I was fourteen. I wasn't in any condition to go having babies." Ayla set her jaw. "I don't regret it, either. I hope the baby is out there having a great, healthy life doing something they love, but I couldn't have given them a damn thing. I mean even years later, I hear the word 'baby' and puke. It couldn't have had any kind of life with me."
"No one's going to judge you for it, not in this house." Derek squeezed her hand.
"My parents would." Her voice shrunk, almost to that of a child. "Dad already judges me for everything that happened, but of course he's got dementia. Mama, she's so hot for grandchildren it's disturbing. But Derek, that's not the point. You have choices. Do you want to give the baby up, or do you feel like you have to?"
Derek blinked back tears. "There's a little fantasy in the back of my head, but it's not realistic. Ayla, I don't know how to be a parent. My mom forgot to feed me for days on end. My dad—"
"He killed your mom." She looked into Derek's eyes, soft and caring.
"He wasn't aiming for her." Derek mumbled the words.
Ayla's chest heaved. "Oh my God."
"Right?" A whoosh of air escaped Derek's chest. The secret was out. "The cops made up this BS story about how Mom took a bullet for me, and maybe she kind of did, but I'm not sure she knew what she was doing at the time. This is the same woman who couldn't remember she had a kid and made me wait outside the school until two hours after dark one time.
"And Dad, he was real drunk. He was in a rage, and he was drunk. I don't know if he could aim straight. So maybe she took a bullet for me, and maybe he just screwed up, and maybe if she hadn't meandered into the wa
y she'd have lived and no one would have died at all because Dad would have just put another damn bullet into the wall." Derek hiccupped. "So yeah, I've got this pretty fantasy in my head of what it could be like, but nothing's actually like that. No one lives like that. And the only thing I know, when it comes to family…"
"Is Russian roulette with a shotgun. Is that why you haven't told Alex you want more?"
Derek jumped a little. "Wait, what?"
"Oh come on. I can see you when you're together, and you look at him." She gave him a watery smile. "Derek, I wish I had something good and hopeful to tell you here. I don't think your parents, and what happened with them, should keep you from having the life you want. I'm just not sure Alex is the one to help you."
"No." Derek closed his eyes. "I want him to be. Lord knows I want him to be. I don't think he can."
"I don't either." She looked down. "And I don't think you should have to raise a baby by yourself."
"Working three jobs isn't exactly compatible with raising a kid. Some people do it, I know, but I don't exactly have a huge support network. My only help comes from someone who works the same hours I do."
Ayla hugged him. "I'm so sorry, Derek."
Derek hugged her back. "I know. But hey, it could be so much worse. I love my jobs, all three of them. And I do have Amadi, and Amadi is fantastic. You're a good friend, and I hope we'll keep in touch once this case is over. And I get to be the big brother to an amazing kid like Carmela."
"My God you're strong, Derek." Ayla pulled back and wiped at her tears. "I wish I had half your strength sometimes."
"Hey. You've shown a ton of strength, over and over. What it took to pull yourself back from everything, all alone? That's almost superhuman."
Ayla high fived him. "Trauma twin powers activate?"
Derek laughed, in spite of his grief. "Form of do-gooders. I think we've got a little bit to be proud of, if I do say so. What do you say we order some food delivered, since we can't get out of this condo?"
"Sounds like a plan. Nothing with tomatoes." Ayla hid her laugh behind her hand.
Derek could finally laugh about his new food aversion. It felt like progress.
***
Everyone in the family had changed when Ayla was taken, and Alex now understood that was normal. Mama had become sadder, worn away by the burden of holding it together for the children. Dad had cracked down, become more authoritarian and controlling. Alex himself had followed in his father's footsteps to some extent, exerting a rigid control over his environment since so much else was out of his control and cleaving to his mother in ways even he knew weren't normal. Ivy, always a free spirit, became defiant and chose Dad for the object of her anger.
Ayla had undergone the most pain, and she'd been the most changed by it. A sunny, sweet, and easy-going child, she'd become volatile and unpredictable in adulthood. Alex was trying his best to keep an open mind about those new traits, because he understood she couldn't help it and because he genuinely liked Ayla.
When he walked into a meeting at Silver Oak on Friday morning, and found her emitting more cold than a freezer coil, he had more trouble than usual exercising his patience.
Ms. Myles had convened the meeting to discuss the status of the Joey Levine case. They had to use one of the larger meeting rooms, simply because of the number of doctors in the room. Mama was there, too, because someone needed to represent Dad and keep up with his medical status.
Ayla sat beside Veronica. That would never fail to look awkward to Alex.
Ms. Myles led the meeting. "All right," she said, looking around at all of the different people convened before her. "Just to be sure, we're here to talk about the medical statuses of Simon Brennan and Joseph Levine, his minor son. The objective is to determine Joseph's degree of safety in visits with his father, and also what Dr. Brennan's current situation is. It's not normal to have the abuser and the victim's status discussed at the same meeting, but these are frankly extraordinary circumstances and the health of one informs the outcome for the other. Dr. Brennan, perhaps you could begin?"
Alex stood up, feeling Ayla's eyes burning into his skin. "I was the trauma surgeon who initially treated Joseph Levine. I wasn't aware of his relationship to Simon Brennan until after the initial encounter, but a few questions brought some behavioral changes to my attention. I'd thought they might be related to some other changes that took place within the family, but if the shifts in behaviors changed in his other life as well, I thought there might be another factor at play as well.
"I asked for a battery of tests to be run, and that was done." He gestured to his colleagues.
Dr. Soun cleared her throat. "I'm the neurologist that examined Dr. Simon Brennan. We've had enough time to rule out other diagnoses that relate to the brain, such as Alzheimer's Disease, heavy metal poisoning, or thyroid issues."
Dr. Rudawski stepped in. "I'm the gerontologist that's been working with Doctors Simon and Hannah Brennan." He gestured toward Mama. "I concur with the initial diagnosis of Frontotemporal Dementia. After examining scans and speaking with Dr. Soun, I agree that the variant of FTD found is consistent with ALS FTD."
Veronica frowned. "That's a big bowl of alphabet soup. Care to translate that into English?"
The third doctor, the one not affiliated with Silver Oak, cleared his throat. "That's why I'm here. I'm Dr. Tilke, I'm an ALS specialist. I have admitting privileges at three area hospitals, to include Silver Oak, but I'm not an employee here. Dr. Soun asked me in as a second opinion. You're probably more familiar with ALS as Lou Gehrig's Disease."
Alex had suspected this would be the case, but he'd hoped he'd be wrong. Hearing the words echo through the room was so much worse than hearing them in his own head. It was so much more final. He bowed his head and focused on a knot in the table beneath him.
Veronica snorted. "Lou Gehrig's Disease? That's absurd. He's got enough strength to break a ten-year-old boy's arm with one hand." Mama winced, but Veronica kept going. "He couldn't do that if he had Lou Gehrig's Disease!"
Alex ran his tongue along his teeth. "Here's the thing, Veronica. ALS comes on gradually. Dad never used to grab with just one hand before."
Dr. Soun nodded. "The patient wasn't able to grab an object as effectively with his left hand as he was with his right."
Veronica burst into tears, face on her arm. Mama's face was lined with sorrow, but she held her composure. Of course, she'd long since fallen out of love with Dad. "So you're certain."
"We're sure, Dr. Brennan." Dr. Tilke leaned forward, a sympathetic smile shining out from under his bushy mustache. "It hasn't gotten bad yet, but ALS is a progressive illness. And it is always fatal."
Veronica howled. "What about Joey? Who's going to take care of him?"
Ayla put a hand on Veronica's back. "We'll work out something, Veronica. You're not going to end up penniless."
"No, I am!" Veronica tore at her hair. "Joey is illegitimate. He's not—Simon didn't want a paper trail leading back to him. He didn't want anyone to find out."
Ayla paled, and then she glared daggers at Alex. What did Alex have to do with Dad being an ass?
Alex got up from his chair and crouched down beside Veronica. "Veronica, look. We may not agree with what Dad did, but I don't think either of my sisters would agree with this… with what he did with regards to this either. Joey's our brother. I know I, for one, am not going to let my brother starve." He wrapped Veronica up in his arms.
Ayla sniffed at him, but she kept her arm where it was. "Neither will I," she whispered.
Mama got up from her seat and moved stiffly over to where her children were crouched around her rival. She stood before Veronica, in full view of all of these strangers, and put her hand on Veronica's shoulder. "I don't like you," she said in a quiet voice. "You knew what you were doing. That said, none of this is Joey's fault. We'll find a way to make sure he's taken care of." Mama lifted her eyes and looked around the room. "What? We're all really here to take care of Joey
, correct? I… I grieve for my husband, but he has made his choices. Joey hasn't."
"I love you, Mama." Alex got up and wrapped his arms around his mother. "You're the most amazing person in the world."
Ayla shook with anger when she looked at him, but she didn't say anything when they all got up and returned to their seats.
"All right. Now that we're settled on that, are we agreed that any visits between Joey and his father should be closely supervised?" Ms. Myles' voice was a little softer than it had been, but she clearly wanted to get back to business.
Everyone agreed, and the meeting ended. Dr. Tilke agreed to sit down with Mama and Alex to discuss Dad's care with them after a few days, when things had a chance to sink in. In the meantime, the family dispersed.