by Aiden Bates
Derek closed his eyes. "So you sneaked back in."
Alex pulled his hand back. "Derek, it's not like that, okay?"
"What's it like, exactly?" Derek opened his eyes. "Dr. Idoni told me I almost lost the baby."
"Oh God." Alex hid his mouth with his hands. "But you're okay now? The baby's okay?"
"Apparently. If missing a kidney and confined to 'rest' is okay." Derek curled his lip. "I figured you'd have been happier if I did lose the baby. It would have been one more complication you didn't need, taken off your list."
Alex sighed and bowed his head. "Come on, Derek. You know that's not how I meant it."
"Oh my God, Alex, it's not like I did need the complication. I'm not judging you for that, okay? I appreciate the honesty." Derek turned his head.
Alex shifted his weight. Derek could feel the mattress shift, hear the weird rubberized fabric move. This place was still too quiet. Every sound was a hundred times louder than it was supposed to be. "Derek, I want you. I want this baby. I overreacted because I panicked, and then I felt like I was on the defensive."
Derek found the beginning of hope sparking in the back of his heart, like a hotspot in a fire the authorities thought they'd put out ages ago. "Really?" He quashed that little spark almost immediately. Little sparks, after all, was how wildfires started. "You didn't seem all that interested the last time we spoke."
Alex gripped the blanket. "Yeah, well. Like I said. I got defensive. I didn't handle it well. I wasn't thinking 'baby' when we started messing around, you know? It wasn't on my radar. You can't tell me it was on yours, either."
Derek huffed out a laugh at that. "No. That much I can admit. I wished it wasn't true. And then I had to admit, when my symptoms didn't get better, that it was true. All I wanted to do was sleep, and maybe let someone else do the taking care part for a little while." He ran his tongue against his teeth. "But hey. Things are the way they are, and there's not a lot we can do to change them."
"Derek." Alex smiled at him. "I want you. I want you both. I just need time."
"Time." The word came from Derek's mouth, but it sounded so far away that it might as well have come from the moon.
Alex squeezed his hand. "Here's the thing. My dad's sick. I have to help take care of him. And of my mom. It's not right to kind of abandon them to go focus on myself, you know? I want you, and I'm going to be with you. I just need time. I need time for things to calm down with my family. I need time for things to calm down with the medical stuff. That's all."
"Oh. That's all." Derek tried to shift positions and make himself more comfortable. It was kind of a useless effort.
"I knew you'd understand." Alex smiled at him.
"Okay, no." Derek folded his fingers in his lap. "I'm sorry, Alex. I like you. I do. And I feel for the situation you've got here, with your family and everything. I want you to resolve that without having to worry about anything else, you know? But I'm not going to just sit there in the hopes that someday, down the road, in a mystical and magical undefined future you'll decide the time is somehow now right to take care of the kid you helped create."
Alex’s jaw dropped. "Derek, come on. I've got responsibilities."
"Yeah. Yeah you do. You don't get to put on the daddy hat when it's convenient." Derek set his jaw. "I've tried to be as accommodating as I can, because Lord knows I know what it's like to get trampled on, but damn it, Alex, I'm not going to raise a kid on my own, with questionable job prospects after all this, so you can pat yourself on the back about being a good father when you decide the time is right.
"And so you can hide me away, and pretend I don't exist, in the meantime. You sneaked in here in the middle of the night, making sure you didn't leave a paper trail, so no one would know you'd dirtied yourself with me."
Alex pursed his lips. "Derek, it's more complicated than that. My parents are right here in this hospital. What if he finds out? What if Greer's lawyers find out that the guy who operated on him had a relationship with the guy he stabbed? He decides there's some kind of 'issue' with the surgery, I lose my license and the hospital gets sued for millions."
Derek considered. "I'd love to believe those were your motivations."
"You should!"
"I might. If you'd ever consented to be seen in public with me before. Under the circumstances, though, I just can't buy it. You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…"
"Derek, I'm not trying to fool you. I'm trying to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Why is it so hard for you to understand that?" Alex stood up.
"I've come up with one." Derek's chest hurt, and the monitors attached to him sped up. He ignored them. He had to hope the nurses were, too. "I'm giving the baby up for adoption. That way you never have to go to your parents and tell them you slept with me, or that you polluted their precious bloodline with a low class kid whose own father tried to kill him and whose mother forgot him at school. And I don't have to try to figure out a way to raise a kid while working three jobs with no family and no child care."
Alex’s chest heaved. Derek thought he might be hyperventilating. "Derek, you can't do this. You just can't. I'll take you to court."
"You could do that. Sure you could. Of course, then you'd have to admit that you had those hands of yours all over me." Derek could still feel those hands on him if he let himself remember. He had to be stronger than that. He focused on the pain he was still in, to keep himself from wavering. "Do you honestly think you could do that?"
"For family? Absolutely." Alex’s teeth were clenched, and he spoke with a growl.
"I thought you were hiding me for family." Derek knew he was sneering. He just didn't care anymore. "You have to pick one. You don't hide family. You don't put family away until it's convenient and less of a hassle to you. I deserve better, a lot better, than to spend my life hanging around and waiting for some guy to come around and maybe decide I'm not too much of an inconvenience today." He pointed to the door. "I like you. I even love you, Alex. But don't come back."
Alex staggered out of the room. Derek lay back on the pillows. Even his toenails hurt, and he was so exhausted he could cry, but he couldn't make his eyelids close.
***
Alex staggered out of Derek's room. He didn't care who saw him right now. All he cared about was getting back to his car. He had no idea how he got his car out of the parking lot, or from there to the condo complex. His next cognizant thought was the realization that he was putting his key into the wrong door. He was trying to open Derek's door, which wasn't working out well for him at all.
He dragged himself into his condo and fixed himself a drink. He'd believed that Derek would understand the wisdom of waiting. Derek was such an independent guy, he'd surely understand why Alex needed to push things out a little. It wasn't as though raising a kid on his own would be hard. He wouldn't really be on his own. He'd have Amadi around to help out, and Alex would come around to help him whenever he could.
Oh. Crap. He really did sound just like his father, didn't he?
He ran to the bathroom mirror and stared at himself. He still looked like himself, no weather-beaten tan or wispy hair on top. No, all of the rot was on the inside.
Alex did have plenty of responsibilities, just as he'd told Derek. Mama was a profoundly competent woman, but long term health care and the treatment of a complex illness like ALS were both difficult, arcane processes. Even Alex had trouble following all of the rules, processes and procedures insurance companies demanded, and this was his field. He couldn't abandon her to navigate it on her own.
That didn't mean he couldn't stand up for himself.
Hell, Mama even liked Derek. He'd gone and sacrificed the best thing in his life because of his father. Alex had never had an easy time pleasing Dad, and the path ALS dementia took in Dad meant pleasing Dad would be nigh impossible. He'd lost the best thing in his life on a fool's errand.
He moved to punch the mirror, but he pulled the punch just in time.
He was a surgeon. He wouldn't help himself, his parents, Derek, the baby, or anyone else by losing his livelihood.
He retrieved his drink. Then he sat down to drink it. Some things had to change.
Ayla, in a surprising move, showed up at Alex’s condo the next day. She brought Ivy with her. Ivy looked moderately less angry than Ayla, but Ivy was less close to Derek. "Look. We need to talk, Big Brother." Ayla dropped into a seat on Alex’s couch and crossed one leg over the other."
Ivy just glared at him. She'd been spending too much time with her high school students.
"I'm not exactly in the mood for lectures right now." Alex leaned against the wall. It was the wall separating him from Derek's condo. He could pretend he heard Derek stomping around on the other side, if he worked at it.
"Well, I'm not in the mood to see you turn into the repeat version of our dad." Ivy snapped her fingers. "So I guess we're even."
Ayla nodded. "Derek's stuck on bed rest for now," she told him, without preamble. "His doctor is hopeful he'll be able to pull him off bed rest soon, but that's going to be a while."
"Well, you know. Missing kidney, trauma during pregnancy, that kind of thing. It does tend to lead to a bad time." Alex headed for the kitchen area. "Can I get you ladies anything to drink, since I know you're not leaving any time soon?"
Ivy accepted a martini. Ayla declined.
"Who exactly is going to be taking care of him, Sherlock?" Ivy passed him the olives from the fridge. "He's alone."
"I don't know." Alex ground his teeth together. "He kicked me out, and I have a job, so it's certainly not going to be me."
"He's carrying your baby." Ayla watched with interest as he mixed up a pitcher's worth of martinis. "I hope you're not planning to put that all away by yourself."
"The man I love dumped me last night, from his hospital bed, because he's decided he deserves better. And I can't say he doesn't." Alex reached into a cupboard and pulled out two cocktail glasses. "You know what? I think I just might drink it all by myself."
"No, you won't." Ivy gave him a no-nonsense look that was entirely reminiscent of his mother. "Come on, let's sit down."
They retreated to the living room. "Have you told him you love him?"
Alex poured drinks for himself and Ivy. "I told him I wanted him, and the baby. I just needed time, you know? Time to make things all work out smoothly. It's so not the right time to be pushing this kind of thing on Dad. He hates Derek."
"So?" Ayla scoffed. "Dad's not the one marrying him. You are. Or you would have been, if you hadn't just essentially told him you were going to keep him secret until Dad up and croaked."
"Do you think I don't know that?" Alex took a generous gulp of his drink. "Even if I hadn't figured it out, which I did after I got home, Derek let me have it with both barrels. He's giving the baby up."
Ivy recoiled. Ayla just bowed her head. "I'm not surprised," she said after a second. "He's got some issues around that. He definitely thinks the child would be better off in a two-parent household where the parents were loving, and had been vetted."
"Heh." Alex chuckled. Then he did a double take. "Wait, you've discussed adoption? With him? Before I even knew he was pregnant?"
Ivy winced and sipped from her drink. "Yikes."
"He didn't seek to confide in me. There's no need to get jealous." Ayla rolled her eyes. "I figured it out one night and we talked. If it's any consolation, I don't think he ever seriously thought you'd want to be with him. I think he expected you'd want to break things off right away."
"Why does everyone think I'm some kind of ass?" Alex looked up at the ceiling. "I've been good to this family. I have. I've put everything I could into this family. Why is it that I'm suddenly now a devil man?"
"Well there's the way you're kind of starting to channel Dad with the whole 'hidden family you want to leave in a lurch until it's the right time' thing." Ivy tilted her head to the side. "Other than that? No idea."
"Thanks." Alex made a face at her.
"No charge."
Ayla hid a smile. "Yeah, you've done everything you could for family. And now that I'm getting used to being around again, I'm glad you have. I know, based on my own experience, just how much you love me and how much you wanted me back. I'm super proud of you for that."
"I am too," Ivy said. "Don't let it go to your head or anything, but I am."
Alex hid his grin with his martini.
Ayla continued. "The thing is, you've focused only on family. You were willing to fool around with Derek, but you treated him as less than because he wasn't family and because he wasn't like family."
Alex bit his lip. "Maybe a little at first." He thought back to those first impressions and blushed. "I first saw him on the operating table, you know. Before that, he was just a voice, or some boots on the landing. I didn't know him. And then afterward, he made Mama cry."
"He did?" Ayla frowned. "He's always so sweet."
"She asked some specific questions about trafficking. They, ah, they wanted to talk to Carmela, to see if they could understand what you'd gone through. This was before you got back. Anyway, I didn't know all that. All I knew was I walked into the living room and Mama was crying. There was shouting, there were threats, it was a scene."
"Oh, Alex." Ayla shook her head. "You do miss him, don't you?"
"I'll miss him until the day I die." Alex rubbed his arm.
"You could go and talk to him." Ivy waved her glass in a dramatic gesture. "You know, like civilized people?"
"He told me not to come back." A sob welled up in Alex’s throat. He washed it away with more martini. "I can't fix this. I can't undo it. I can't suture it and I can't set this bone. It's just done."
"Oh, Alex." Ayla put a hand on his shoulder. "Do you think he'll change his mind?"
Alex took another sip. "I think 'no' is a complete sentence. And he's right, honestly. Even if there wasn't time, or if we couldn't make the schedules work, I should have been more willing to show up and be with him in public. Even last night, I was in the hospital room and I was afraid someone would see and report back to Dad."
Ayla held up a finger. "I am so telling Dr. Radic about this. Your obsession with Dad is going to be the death of you."
"Well, that's not the only way I screwed up. I also told him I'd sue him to keep him from giving the baby up."
Both Ayla and Ivy recoiled this time. "Why on Earth would you say something like that?" Ayla hissed.
"I didn't know what else to do!" Alex got up and paced the room. "I mean that baby is mine. It's part of me, and he's just going to hand it off to someone else! I can't just let that happen!"
"You have to." Ivy curled her lip. "You can't just sue to make someone be a parent if they don't want to be. Especially not if you're not willing to be the one raising the kid."
"I guess I could." Alex stopped and stared at them. "I could hire a nanny. That shouldn't be any different to him than just giving the kid away."
"It actually is." Ayla's eyes were narrowed. "But do go on. Tell me how you're going to explain that one to Dad."
Alex slumped. "I haven't figured that one out yet."
"You're trying to have your cake and eat it too. It doesn't work like that. You have to choose one or the other."
"I can't." Alex shook his head. "I can't just defy Dad that way. I want to. I keep telling myself that I can, but who are we kidding? There's no way."
"You can, if you want to. I think you just don't have the stones." Ayla drew herself up to her full height. "Your issue was that Mom and Dad are dependent on you for their care, right?"
"Well yeah. It would be wrong to spring this stuff on them at a time like this."
"So to think about it in another way, they can't lose you. They need you to navigate all of the forms and crap for them." Ivy waved her empty glass. "They have to be more accommodating, not less."
Alex nodded slowly. He could see that. "So it's okay for me to try to raise the kid on my own."
"If
that's what you choose to do." Ayla frowned. "I'd advise against taking legal action and forcing him into the move, but you know what? You're already batting a thousand with him. Why not try it and see how it goes."
Alex flipped her off and refilled his glass. "Okay. Okay, you're right. The thought of going against Dad in this is giving me hives, but you're right. They need me right now, so they can afford to cut me a little slack and let me keep and acknowledge my son."
He reached for his laptop, which had been stowed on a shelf behind the couch. His sisters, who had gravitated closer together the way they always had, made room for him. They looked over his shoulder as he opened up his browser. "A real estate website? Seriously?" Ayla wrinkled her nose.