Walking back to the car, Thomas checked his watch and decided to drive back to the house. Barb would be wondering where he was. Plus, against odds, he was getting hungry; he wanted to swim to the raft with his children; and he needed to see his mother. “That’s that,” he said aloud. But when he drove his car out onto the road, he turned left instead of right and continued down Main Street. He would just drive past, he told himself. One, two, three lights. He slowed the car down and pulled over to the side of the road. Directly in front of him, maybe fifty feet away, hung Anna’s carved wood sign: SANTIAGO AND SETTA. ATTORNEYS AT LAW. He hesitated just a moment before parking the car in front of their office.
CHAPTER 24
1973
Anna and Thomas lay on the couch together, kissing. Amy had gone to bed after Thomas read her three stories, and she was asleep. “Come into my bedroom,” said Anna. “I’ll shut the door.” She took his hand and led him down the short hallway into her pristine room, with its clean, off-white walls and pressed lace curtains. She pulled back the chenille bedspread, a formal invitation. Thomas lifted her into his arms, spun her around, and then sank back onto the bed, pulling her down with him. While he kissed her, he fumbled with her bra. After long seconds, he unhooked it, and then reached under her starched white shirt to feel her soft warm breasts. Anna whispered encouragement in his ear and pulled down the zipper of his pants. Within a minute, she had rolled a condom onto his hard-on, and he was inside her. Together, they gently, noiselessly, moved on the bed.
Thomas knew that he should have been carried away at this very moment, focused on nothing but sensation, but he wasn’t. He liked sex well enough, but he didn’t like having it with just anyone, with whoever was willing, even really cute girls. If he didn’t feel strongly about a girl, he wasn’t interested in getting into her pants. His friend, Eddie, thought he “had a fucking screw loose.” Eddie had introduced Thomas to a number of girls at the beach who were interested in having sex with a handsome guy, whether or not it led to anything lasting. Thomas just needed sex with the right girl, Eddie reasoned, or enough sex, or something, to get over this obstacle. It hadn’t worked. Thomas wanted to be in love with the girl. And, just as important, he wanted her to be in love with him, too. He opened his eyes to look at Anna. She was underneath him, attached to him, but they were not mentally connected. Watching her writhe and arch and grit her teeth disturbed Thomas. He came, but quickly pulled out of her, and then stopped and waited for Anna to open her eyes. When she did, she smiled at him. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Why are you sorry, Thomas?”
“I’m sorry for doubting you.”
She half closed her eyes and looked at him, questioning. “What were you doubting?”
“I wasn’t sure if you loved me.”
Her eyes were wide now. “Or if I was just using you for sex,” she said, smiling again.
“Don’t kid me.” He pushed himself up on his hands, away from their lovemaking act, away from her.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him back down to her. “Thomas, you are wonderful,” said Anna. “Every eighteen-year-old male I’ve ever known cares about one thing: sex. They want to know if they can get it, when they can get it, and whether they can get it on a regular basis. And then there’s Thomas who wonders if I truly love him.”
“I do love you, Anna.”
“And I love you, Thomas.”
“Then marry me.”
“Thomas?”
“I want to marry you.”
“Oh, sweetheart . . .”
“Do you want to marry me?”
“If we were ten years older, yes.”
“Why not now?” Thomas backed off the bed and stood next to it. He raised his jeans to his waist, zipped them, and buckled his belt.
Anna left her clothes where they were and sat up, naked, on the bed. “Thomas, you know why. You’re about to go to one of the best schools in the country for a college education. The very last thing you want or need is a wife and a stepdaughter to think about and support. And I’m trying to finish my college education. The only way I can do that is by staying here and working for Hudson and Lambert, who pays my tuition. I want to go to law school, Thomas. I’ll be here for a long time.”
“I can help you pay for those things.”
“Thomas, you’ve got this incredible opportunity to go to school and work on your studies without the distractions of a full-time job or an instant family. You don’t want that obligation, to me or anyone else.”
“Maybe you just don’t want an obligation to me.”
“Oh, Thomas.” Anna stood and put her arms around his waist. She laid her head against his chest. “I want you more than you’ll ever realize.”
But Thomas didn’t believe her, not just then. He kissed the top of her head. “I’ve got to go.”
“Stay for a little while,” Anna said, rubbing his chest with her hand. “We can sit on the couch and talk.”
“Somehow I feel like I’m through talking.” He was close to crying.
“That’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay to go.” She released him and grabbed her jeans and cotton blouse from the floor. She quickly put them on and then followed him out of the bedroom and into the living room. She thought he would turn and look at her, say good-bye, but he simply walked out the front door, closing it quietly behind him. He started his car and drove off.
Thomas awoke early. His eyes, tired from holding back tears and occasionally releasing them, found the clock on the bureau. It was almost four thirty. He had a bakery run at six, so he didn’t have to dress until five thirty. He closed his eyes, to rest them and ease the ache, but he did not sleep. His head hurt from thinking about Anna, as he had all night. She didn’t love him. Amy didn’t love him.
On his way home from her house, he’d just missed hitting a pickup truck, when his car drifted across the centerline. So lost in thought, so caught up in his emotional response to her denial, he barely missed his mother’s car when he pulled into the driveway. Charlotte, who had come home earlier than normal because she’d grown tired of the guy she was using to make Steve Johanson jealous, heard the car and walked from the porch to the kitchen to talk to him. She popped the top off a can of Coke and sat down on the counter to wait. Thomas walked in, saw his sister, and lowered his eyes. “How’s Anna?” Charlotte asked.
“Super,” said Thomas, looking at the floor.
“What did you guys do tonight?”
“Well, for one thing,” said Thomas, looking at Charlotte, “we decided not to get married.”
Charlotte’s mouth opened involuntarily. “You asked her to marry you?”
“I asked her, and she said no.” Charlotte was silent. “She told me if we were ten years older she would marry me.”
“She sounds like a smart girl.”
“You have a messed-up idea of intelligence, Charlotte.”
“I had no idea you were going to do this, Thomas. I don’t know what you were thinking. You wanted them to share your dorm room at Princeton?”
“If you think I need a lecture right now, you’re seriously mistaken.”
“Okay, Thomas, you’re right,” said Charlotte. She had never seen her brother this way. He was always so sensible, always right. Because she was often just the opposite, they rarely talked. Yet, they had come together for her abortion, and that had brought them, if only temporarily, a bit closer. She sought his advice over that of their parents, especially their mother, who, as far as Charlotte was concerned, lived in a distant universe. She and Thomas were not yet ready, not responsible enough, to be real adults, but they were miles away from Pammy and Helen, who were still children, still believers.
Tired, Thomas sat down on the floor and covered his face with his hands, and the tears that he had battled to overcome all night refused to be damned up any longer. “It’s okay to cry, Thomas.” Charlotte got down from the counter. She sat down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
; “I don’t know,” said Thomas. “I’m having trouble thinking.”
“I’m sorry, Thomas. I’m sorry for what happened.”
“Thanks, Charlotte.” Thomas talked through his hands.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I don’t know.” Thomas lifted his head and looked at his sister. “I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone or anything in my life. I love Anna. We belong together. I can feel that, Charlotte. I felt it the first time I saw her.”
“Maybe you will be together.”
“I don’t think so. She just said no to me.”
“She said no to you now. Maybe she won’t say no later.”
“I can’t wait until later, Charlotte. I’m going away to school in the fall. I need her to come with me.”
“No, you don’t, Thomas. You’ll burn your way through Princeton all by yourself. After graduation, you can ask Anna again.”
“That’s a million years away.”
“No, it’s not.” Claire was always telling them how quickly time passed and that they should take advantage of every minute. This was one of only a handful of things about which Charlotte and her mother agreed.
“I need her, Charlotte.”
“You want her, Thomas. There’s a difference.”
Thomas looked at his sister, not quite believing her. “I need her and I want her.”
“Go to bed, Thomas,” said Charlotte. “You need some sleep now. You can look at all this again in the morning, okay?”
Thomas nodded his head. “I’ll come up in a few minutes.”
“Do you want me to stay with you?”
“No,” he said. “Go on up to bed, Charlotte.” He sat on the floor, listening to Charlotte walk up the stairs. Ten minutes later, he stood, grabbed a glass from the pantry, and poured himself some cold water from the refrigerator. He drank it quickly, even though swallowing was painful. After his second glass, Thomas felt better and decided his sister was right; he needed sleep. As he walked through the living room, heading for the stairs, the phone rang. Thomas picked it up on one ring; he knew who it was. “Thomas, I’m so sorry,” she said. Thomas said nothing. “Thomas?”
“I’m here,” he said.
“What do you want to do?”
“I think you’ve made it quite clear what you don’t want to do, so maybe you can tell me what you want to do,” said Thomas, feeling angry for the first time since their talk that evening.
“If you think about it, Thomas, you’ll know why I said what I did. I don’t want to hold you back any more than you want to keep me back.”
“Actually, Anna, holding you back was the last thing on my mind. I was thinking, foolishly I guess, that marrying might bring us both forward.”
“And it would in some ways, Thomas. But I’ve got to finish school. I’ve got to provide for my daughter, and I want to take care of myself. I want to do this for me.”
“That’s crystal clear to me, Anna.”
“Thomas, I have to be selfish here. I need to follow a plan that will make my life, Amy’s life, better. I don’t have a choice. I’ve made decisions, taken actions that have made my life what it is today. And I, alone now, am responsible for what comes next.”
“I offered to help you make those decisions, Anna.”
“Thomas, you’re not in a position right now to help. After college, maybe, yes, maybe you could help then.”
“You had me convinced that you loved me.” Thomas sank down onto the wooden side chair next to the telephone table.
“I do love you, Thomas. I love who you are, and I love who you are becoming.”
“And what did you want to do with that love? Where were we going with this, in your mind?”
“I don’t know, Thomas. I was not thinking about our relationship like you were or are. I was having fun. I love being with you, talking to you, laughing with you, kissing you. I have not had a man pay attention to me in a long time. I have been wrapped up in working, studying, and taking care of Amy; I thought I had no time for a relationship. And then you came along, and I was so happy to have you interested in me. I treasured every second I was with you. I didn’t think about the future. I was more immersed in the present, I think, than you were.”
“The here and now,” Thomas said. “If it feels good, do it.”
“In many ways, yes. And I’m not going to apologize for that. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone and having fun at the same time. You’re eighteen years old, Thomas. I didn’t think you were going to propose to me.”
“What did you think?”
“For the most part, I simply thought about when I was going to see you again.”
“You never thought about the fall?”
“Yes,” Anna said. “I admit, I thought about the fall—once. And what I thought was you would go away to Princeton and forget about me.”
“Well, you were dead wrong, weren’t you?”
“You’re too young to marry, Thomas. Believe me, I came very close to getting married.”
“You loved him, your boyfriend, Amy’s father.”
“I did love him, Thomas. But I was wrong to quit school. I was frustrated staying at home. If I had been older at the time, I would have thought to finish school before having a family.”
“You’re quite the thinker now, aren’t you, Anna?”
“Thomas . . .”
“But you know what you didn’t factor into your little equation? Me, Anna. You didn’t stop to think how I might feel. Do you know what it feels like to have your heart ripped apart? This is not a game, Anna. This is real life, and I’m a real person.”
“I know that, Thomas.”
“I’m not so sure,” he said.
“Come see me tomorrow.”
“Come see me,” said Thomas. He hung up the phone and, again, put his head in his hands. Helen tapped him on the shoulder. He wheeled around to face her.
“You two had a fight,” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder.
“We did have a fight, yes. What are you doing up?”
“I heard you talking on the phone and wondered who you were talking to.”
“Are Mom and Dad up?”
“Nope. What did you fight about?”
“Everything,” said Thomas. “The whole shooting match.”
“You broke up?”
“Absolutely and irrevocably.”
“Why?”
Thomas ran his fingers through his hair and scratched the back of his head. “She didn’t want to marry me.”
“How do you know?”
“Because she said no when I asked her, Helen.”
“You asked her to marry you?”
“I did.”
Helen yawned. “Do Mom and Dad know that?”
“No, and it doesn’t matter much now since she said no.”
“You’re too young to get married anyway, Thomas.”
“Why does everyone keep saying that?”
“Because you have to finish college first.”
“Who says, Helen?”
“Everybody,” said Helen. “Everybody knows that.”
“Everybody but me,” said Thomas, taking his sister into his arms for a hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and whispered in his ear.
“I love you, Thomas.”
He gave her a squeeze and released her. “Run up to bed now, Helen. It’s late.”
“You come up too.”
“I will. I’m going to sit here another minute or so. I’ll be right up.”
Helen walked slowly away from her brother. She stepped onto the landing and looked back at him once before climbing the stairs. Thomas, still sitting in the chair next to the phone, gave her a lazy wave. Helen stopped halfway down the hallway, just outside Thomas’s bedroom, and sat down. She had to pee, but Charlotte was in the bathroom, most likely having a cigarette and blowing the smoke out the window. Helen leaned back against the wall and waited, for a vacant bathroom and
for Thomas to come upstairs.
CHAPTER 25
2003
Helen heard loud voices and laughter. She looked through the porch screen and saw Todd and Ned walking down the street. Judging by their buoyant behavior, she guessed her sons had been victorious. “Hey!” she called.
Todd and Ned looked toward the porch, squinting in the midday sun. Seeing his mother, Ned broke into a sprint. He ran up the steps and into the porch, his eyes wide with excitement. “Guess what?” he said, grinning.
“Oh, I think I’d much rather have you tell me,” said Helen, smiling back at him.
“We won again!” Ned shouted.
“You are amazing,” said Helen. She got out of her chair and hugged her sweaty son.
Charles and Daniel, towels wrapped around their shoulders, had walked up from the beach and were chatting with Todd on the lawn. Seeing them, Ned dashed back outside, letting the screen door close with a bang. He leaped onto his father’s back, almost knocking Charles to the ground. “You,” said Charles, wrapping his arms around his son’s legs and laughing, “are getting way too big for that.”
“You’re right,” said Ned, sliding down Charles’s back. “We’re big, brave tennis players.”
Charles laughed again and then called to Helen, who was still watching from the porch. “I think our days as tennis king and queen are seriously numbered.”
“I won’t give up my crown without a fight!” Helen called back.
“Anytime,” Ned shouted. “We’re ready anytime!”
“Yes,” Helen said to her younger son. “I can see that you are.”
“We’re going swimming,” Todd announced. “You want to come?”
“Not just yet,” said Helen, “I’m waiting for your Uncle Thomas.”
“Uncle Thomas is here?” asked Ned.
“In town, yes,” said Helen. “He’ll be back in a little bit. Go for a swim. We’ll all have time to talk later, okay?”
“Okay,” said Todd.
“Wait,” Helen said. Todd and Ned turned back around to face their mother. “Your cousins Sally and Peter are down on the beach with your Aunt Barb. Talk to them.”
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