by Cecilia Fyre
His eyes were deadly serious now. “Always, baby girl. Always.”
“Daniel?! What are you doing here? I thought Ricco booked one of the drivers from work. Mike’s done private trips for us before.”
“Ricco called and asked if I could come instead. Said he’d prefer it if someone could help you get settled in at home, make sure you don’t carry anything heavy or do laundry or something.” He smiled nervously, and Lea’s heart suddenly beat faster. “Hope that’s okay? I was free, and I haven’t seen you in ages.”
Lea blushed, but then returned the smile. Daniel had stayed away from the house since their kiss, and she only now realized that she had missed him. “More than okay. Thank you.”
He took her bag and together they set off for his car. “So,” Daniel said as the unlocked the doors, “Where’s he swanned off to now?”
"Some bike event in Dallas. I'm glad he's able to do some fun things for once." Lea was getting a bit tired of having to explain Ricco's actions and her own opinion of them.
“Hmm,” Daniel replied and held out his hand to help her climb into the seat. “All right, then. Did you have a good time, though?”
“Oh yes,” Lea said, hoping it sounded convincing. “Everyone was really nice.”
The truth was, during the flight the old doubts about the whole marriage thing had awoken again. She couldn’t get the memory of Carol calling her Ricco’s wife out of her head. Now she had to fight hard to keep a strange, trapped feeling at bay. Trying to calm herself she stared out of the window as Daniel got into the driver’s seat.
“Are you okay, Lea?”
“What? Oh…yes, of course, I’m fine. Just tired.”
“We’re going straight home. No wonder you’re exhausted. You’re still recovering and traveling with Ricco is a chore at the best of times.”
Lea tried a smile and nodded, not challenging the interpretation.
They were quiet on the drive to Ricco’s house. Lea felt oddly restless. It was almost as if they were both waiting for something to happen, but unsure what that something might turn out to be.
When they arrived at the house Daniel got out and pinned in the codes that would open the gate and turn off the alarms via panels hidden near the door. He climbed back into the car when the gates opened but didn't drive up to the house right away. Instead, he sat and stared ahead, then at the steering wheel. "You want me to come help you get everything put away?"
“Ok,” Lea said, feeling suddenly breathless.
Once inside the grounds, Lea got out and limped up the path to unlock the front door while Daniel parked the car and retrieved her bag. He followed her into the house a minute later and closed the door behind himself. Lea half-turned toward the kitchen. "Want a cuppa?"
Then Daniel was right in front of her with two long strides. He dropped her bag and took her in his arms, his lips on hers full of fire.
Lea didn’t hesitate. She leaned into the kiss and pressed against Daniel. Her crutch fell to the floor noisily as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Soon she could feel him growing hard.
He was the one to finally break the kiss. His gaze made Lea's heart beat fast and her knees feel wobbly. Would he leave now, as he had done once before? He didn't. Instead, he took her gently by the arm and turned them both toward the stairs.
“C’mon.”
And Lea went with him. Upstairs she took over, steering them toward the spare bedroom, where the bed was always freshly made, in case someone stayed overnight to help. Even in her dazed state of anticipation, the thought of going into Ricco's and her room made Lea feel sick.
They didn’t speak at all. Lea could think of nothing to say, other than Stop, and she didn’t want this to stop. She wanted Daniel, so, so badly.
He was very gentle, solicitous of her aching hip without her having to remind him once. Lea and Ricco hadn’t slept together since the accident, and she was prepared for this to hurt. It didn’t.
Daniel was sure and controlled, his hands on her firm and measured. He paid attention to her tiniest reactions, right from her intake of breath as he helped her out of her shirt and his fingers brushed her sides. He spent several minutes caressing her chest, stroking her breasts, her back until Lea was trembling against him. Then he moved them onto the bed and took care of everything.
Before discarding his pants, he pulled condoms from the pocket, and Lea vaguely wondered how prepared he had been for this. But she pushed the thought away, and many others besides, and focused on Daniel as he joined her on the bed.
He took his time, his eyes in hers throughout. His gaze would ask Is this okay, and Lea would confirm with a nod. But he never hesitated or lost his rhythm.
When he entered her Lea could barely suppress a sob, the feelings of guilt and arousal were so strong. He held her, kissed her face until she nodded that she was ready. Then she clung to him, losing herself in the moment.
They reached their peak together, making it last as long as they could. When they finally slowed down Daniel stretched out next to Lea and pulled her close. She hid her face against his chest, listening to his heartbeat quieting down.
She had done it. She had betrayed Ricco.
5
When Lea woke in the unfamiliar bed the next morning she was alone. Daniel's things were gone, and she couldn't hear any sound from the bathroom. She got up quickly, straightened the covers, and took all her clothes into the master bedroom, where she quickly slipped one of Ricco's ratty t-shirts over her head. This made her feel even more guilty, but there was nothing for it. She had to do laundry first, there was nothing left in her modest Ottawa wardrobe after the trip to Texas.
As she limped down the stairs she could hear the sound of the vacuum cleaner in the living room. That made her uneasy. Had Maria already been here when Daniel had come down? And would the woman think it odd that he had spent the night? The cleaner knew Daniel was a friend, and that he had been helping both Lea and Ricco. The woman’s smile was friendly and normal when Lea stopped at the bottom of the steps.
"Good morning," the cleaner said when she had turned off the hoover. "Did you sleep well? Did you have a good journey? Mr. Burke has just left."
"Ah, has he, good, good. Yes, the journey was good, thank you. I'll go make coffee." Worried that her face would give her away Lea turned toward the kitchen quickly. She felt both annoyed and relieved that she didn't have to face Daniel. What would she say to him? How could she ever be in the same room with him again? But clearly, he had no desire to talk to her either, so why worry?
What had she done?!
Sure, Daniel was smart and sexy, and Lea and he had hit it off right away. But she had a good man, just as sexy and smart, and devoted to her. How could they have done that to Ricco? She knew what it was like to be cheated on, and yet she had jumped the first guy who was nice to her. She was an awful, awful person.
But Ricco was also difficult, mercurial, and exhausting. His health issues had affected Lea and Daniel a lot recently, and the worry and stress had bound them tightly. Lea couldn't deny it to herself any longer. Life with Ricco was a challenge more often than not and having someone to lean on to share that burden, and find some uncomplicated relief with, had been incredibly tempting.
Only, of course, there was no such thing as uncomplicated, not in the life she now led. Lea sat down at the kitchen table with her latte, stirring thoughtfully and feeling glum.
Ricco had been sweetness itself, helping her during her recovery. But his overprotectiveness and single-minded focus on her wellbeing had felt suffocating after a while, and it had shifted their dynamic. Lea had felt isolated, and Ricco had yearned to get away from the responsibility. Or why had he sent her home alone? Lea had felt resentful about that, never mind what she had told Ricco, and again Daniel had been here at this confusing emotional juncture.
None of that was an excuse, god no. For once Lea had acted with her heart, not her head. And it could bring nothing but pain for all of them.
But
did Ricco even still love her? He loved the idea of them, sure, but did he even really see her when he looked at her? Or did he just see his doc, who made him feel better, and his baby girl, who was sweet and quiet and uncomplaining? Maybe she was to blame for that, too. She never told him what she wanted, and she was always there when he needed her. Maybe it wasn’t in his nature to bend even a little for those he loved. Maybe it never even occurred to him that he ought to try. And could she blame him for that?
What now, though? Did she want to end this, leave Ricco? And what then? Be with Daniel? He was married, and anyway, how would that work? Those thoughts felt bitter in her throat and Lea wanted to cry. No, she didn’t want it to be over. She loved Ricco; she really did.
And he had asked her to marry him, so clearly he still wanted her. She would have to tell him what had happened, it was the only way. But that thought made her feel sick, and she pushed away the untouched cup of coffee with shaking fingers.
She couldn’t tell him. He would leave her. She was a terrible person.
Things got out of hand quickly. Lea stayed in the kitchen while Maria cleaned, not moving until the cleaner had left, calling her goodbyes from the door. Then Lea opened the cupboards and the fridge and began to eat. It didn't even feel like a conscious decision, just a thing her subconscious mind did without her say so, and she was halfway through a tub of ice cream before she even realized that she was bingeing. She felt numb as her stomach filled with food. She didn't feel the cold of the ice cream, the stickiness of the chocolate cake she found in the cupboard or the fizziness of the soda she drank to wash it all down.
Cookies, bread, chocolate bars, fruit. Lea ate it all, in a trance. Then she fed the cat and went right back to the junk food. When she finally felt too disgusted to go on she put all the leftovers into a rubbish bag and took them outside to the trashcan. Then she sat in front of the TV, feeling sick and gross. After ten minutes she got up and put a pizza in the oven, which she consumed only halfway done, drinking most of a bottle of wine.
Sometime during the fourth glass of wine, she could feel the familiar pressure on her diaphragm that told her she would be able to throw up easily now. Oddly satisfied she went into the downstairs bathroom, put her finger down her throat, and brought all the food back up. When she finally felt empty she limped up the stairs to the master bedroom, took a double dose of Tramadol, and passed out.
She only got up once more that day, to feed Carl and Bob and take more pills. The night went by in a haze of broken, drugged dreams. When Lea woke the next morning she hardly remembered what had happened the day before. When it all came back to her she felt a sense of disgust, damped down by the narcotics haze that was still lingering. But she knew this wasn't over. She went online and ordered replacements for everything she had consumed, plus plenty of extra junk food, using her credit card for it.
Deep down, Lea knew how wrong this all was, and that she was making everything much worse. But she couldn’t stop, she was totally at sea with her emotions and her guilt. When the front door opened and closed late that night she had no idea at first what it meant. Hunched over the upstairs toilet with the bathroom door open Lea only realized that Ricco was back when there were footsteps on the stairs.
“Lea?”
Shit!
Struggling to her feet as quickly as she could, with her hip giving an angry twinge, Lea slammed the door shut just as Ricco came into the bedroom. She leaned against the door, panting. Had he seen her? Did he know why she was in here?
After a minute there came a small knock. “Baby girl, you okay?” His voice sounded worried, and Lea’s eyes filled with tears.
Wiping them away angrily she straightened up. “It’s okay. I’ll be out in a sec.”
“Babe, if you need help.” He sounded so sincere, and really scared now, Lea’s guilt was overwhelming.
“No, really, it’s fine. Gimme a minute.” Lea flushed the toilet, washed her hands and face, and quickly brushed her teeth, too. Then, the water still running, she stared into the mirror.
What to tell him? Everything? Or nothing? Both made her feel sick, and she gagged, sure she’d be sick again, and without the help of a finger.
No, she decided. She couldn’t tell him about Daniel. But she had to tell him something. He’d know something was up. There were junk food wrappers everywhere, downstairs, and in the bedroom. She’d been so sure he wouldn’t be back until the next day. Her head was all scrambled. Dammit! What had she done?!
Lea took a deep breath and turned toward the door. Nothing for it but get through it.
Ricco’s gaze was on her instantly, but he stood back, clearly unsure what she needed. His hands were in those hated, painful knots again. Lea limped over and gently untangled them.
“What’s happening, baby girl? Are you ill? You look ill. What should I do? Tell me.”
“Honey, shh,” Lea stopped him. His panic, now barely suppressed, wouldn’t help either of them. She led him over to the bed. “Come, sit down.”
Lea sat on the bed heavily. Her hip hurt a lot from all that time crouching on the bathroom floor. She held on to Ricco’s hands, suddenly at a complete loss as to how to start telling him about her issues. In the eating disorder group therapy back in London she had learned how to open up about her problems, but she had never told anyone who was this close to her, or who knew so little about her struggles with her weight and with food. Her brain was fuzzy, and she felt lightheaded from the painkillers and the vomiting.
“Babe, tell me.” Ricco’s whisper, pleading and confused, brought her back to the present.
“I believe I told you,” she began, “that before I came to New York I’d lost quite a bit of weight?”
He nodded, and Lea took a deep breath. “Well, that’s only part of the story. I lost the weight after finally getting diagnosed with…well, it’s called EDNOS, but it’s a lot like bulimia. You know, bingeing, purging, fasting.”
“That what happened today? You binged, and then you made yourself sick on purpose?”
“Yeah.”
“You never told me.” He sounded genuinely hurt, and when Lea forced herself to look up his eyes were so gentle, so full of worry.
“I thought this was in the past. I haven’t done it in a long time, except for a little while when…when we broke up.”
“Then why now? What happened? It’s my fault, isn’t it? I sent you back alone, that was so dumb.”
Now he sounded close to tears. Lea had to stop this; she couldn't let him blame himself. She took a deep breath. Here it was, the big lie. "No, honey. Not your fault at all! I think it's the meds. They messed me up. You know what that's like, side effects." He nodded, looking calmer already. Lea was surprised how easy it suddenly was. Blame something, anything but themselves, and people instantly felt better. Never mind that the truth was usually so much more complicated, and unpalatable. "I really don't feel like myself, all my self-control is shot to hell. And I took a couple too many Tramadol last night, maybe, to fall asleep. It was stupid."
"Oh, babe." His voice still trembled, and Lea forced a smile. He couldn't fall apart now; she didn't have the strength to deal with it. She gripped his hands more tightly. "Hun, it's okay. I've dealt with this for so long. I promise you; it'll pass. Come here." She let go of his hands and put her arms around him instead, and he clung to her.
“What can I do to help? I want to help, tell me what to do.”
She stroked his back and he shuddered, but then relaxed. This had been bad, but the truth would’ve been worse. “Just keep doing what you’re doing already. Be here for me, that’s all I need.”
“I’ll be right here forever,” he whispered, and Lea allowed a small ray of hope through the clouds of her despair.
Maybe it would be enough if they just loved each other hard enough. It just had to be enough.
6
“Is he okay?” Stuart sat down on the bench by Lea’s side and nodded toward the back of the private jet where they were all treat
ed to a peculiar sight. Ricco’s lower body was visible, his backside turned toward them, while his upper body was hidden behind the very last set of seats on the plane, wedged into a space so small Lea didn’t understand how he could bear it.
She had checked on him and knew that he was hiding his face in the crook of one arm and that he was awake and uncomfortable. But his current location still seemed preferable to him over being upright in the noisy, over-warm cabin. His flip flops lay by his side, and Lea could see his bare toes curled up with tension. Her heart hurt for her guy.
"He's feeling really poorly," she said to Stuart. "The medication for his head is making him travel sick, and his back and shoulders are sore from whatever you guys have been up to this week."
Ricco’s current position had been a compromise. He’d started out in a similarly tiny space between two seats halfway down the plane, where everyone had had to climb over him constantly. Scott, one of the executive producers whom Lea hadn't met before, had finally lost his cool and shouted at Ricco to come out at once and act like a grown-up. Ricco's face as he emerged from his hiding place – sweaty and pale, expression dark as a thundercloud – had shut the producer up instantly. Lea had been sure Ricco would cry, or be sick, or shout at Scott, but instead, he had just snatched up his things and stalked to the back of the plane, where he had flopped back down to the floor.
Lea suspected that the others' apparent indifference to Ricco's peculiar behavior was merely an attempt to give their friend some space, and she was trying her hardest not to fuss. She had brought him a pillow, some water, and his Dramamine, all of which he had accepted without so much as a glance. Then Lea had retreated to her current vantage point on that strange sideways bench that could be folded away for take-off and landing. This plane was stupid, she thought. There were over twenty people on board when it was clear that the maximum that could comfortably travel would be about fifteen. Nothing Lea could do about it, though, other than help keep Ricco's suffering to a minimum.