“I’m not sure what we’re doing.” She buried her face against his shoulder.
He kissed the top of her head and she looked up again. He touched her lips with another kiss, this one less gentle. He wanted to keep her with him forever, holding her close.
But it wasn’t about him, what he wanted. It was about her and what she could do to him if she left again. He would eventually have to tell her that he’d contacted Davis and asked for paperwork that would give him custody of Lindsey if she tried to leave again.
Standing there, with her in his arms, that paperwork felt like an insult. And he knew that’s how she would take it if he presented it to her. He either trusted her or he didn’t.
“We should go back. Lindsey will be looking for us.”
“Blake—” she stepped back, letting go of his hands “—I want to fix us.”
He backed against a tree at the edge of the creek and pulled her with him. He leaned down, studying her face, her eyes and the lips he’d kissed moments ago.
She wanted to fix them.
“I’m not perfect, Blake. I’m not going to be perfect. But I’m doing my best to make things right.”
“I know you are.” He did. At first he’d thought this was only about getting Lindsey the help she needed. Maybe that had been Jana’s intention in the beginning.
It had been his intention to help his daughter. He’d had no desire to let his ex-wife back into his life. He leaned in to kiss her again.
She backed away. “No. You have to stop that. I can’t think when you do that.”
Yeah, well, he couldn’t think when she was around, either. His anger with her was disappearing, becoming mostly a memory. Ten years of fear and searching.
Now he had to think about life with them back in his world. She wanted to fix them, and he was still deciding whether to trust or not to trust.
* * *
Lindsey was angry. Jana could see it from a distance. Her daughter stood next to a post at the edge of the bleachers, and her features were a tight mask of anger. Jana reached for Blake’s hand.
“Something happened.”
Blake looked down at her and then glanced toward their daughter. Of course he didn’t see what Jana was seeing on her daughter’s face. He hadn’t the experience. But no doubt Lindsey had the Cooper temper. It took a long time to get one of them pushed to the edge, and they usually got over it quickly, but when they were mad, watch out.
“Why do you think something has happened?”
“Your daughter looks like you when she’s mad.”
Blake blinked. “When do I get mad?”
If she hadn’t been so worried about Lindsey, Jana would have laughed. “Almost never, Blake. But when you do, it’s a frightening thing to see. Do you know how badly my legs shook that day I confronted you at the ranch?”
“Do you know how badly I wanted to shake you?”
“Exactly.” She released his hand and headed for her daughter. Lindsey had crossed her arms in front of herself and her shoulders were squared.
“What’s up, Lindsey Bug?” Blake went for a lightness that Jana could have told him wouldn’t work.
“Why do I find out all of the important stuff from other people?”
“Lindsey, what are you talking about?” Jana slipped an arm around her daughter’s very stiff back and headed her toward the truck. She had a feeling they would need privacy.
“Jade asked me if I was glad that my parents are still married.”
“Jade did what?” Blake’s tone could have cut through steel.
Jana looked back at him, giving him a cautioning look. She turned her attention back to their daughter as they walked toward the truck. “Why did Jade ask you that?”
“Because Jade thought it was a good thing. And if I didn’t know better, I would think so, too. But you aren’t really married, are you?”
Jana stopped at the truck. She didn’t want to get inside. She didn’t want to be in close confines with Blake. She also didn’t want to be on public display as they dealt with another family drama. It was bad enough, going to church and knowing people talked. At the Mad Cow she saw people whispering behind their hands. Even here, at the rodeo, she had overheard a few conversations. She was the kidnapper who had taken Blake’s daughter.
Maybe someday that would change. Maybe someday Blake would stop thinking of her as the person who could walk away again. Sometimes she thought it was happening, that he was giving them a second chance.
The look on his face as his daughter questioned them made her wonder if he’d ever thought about them being together again.
“Lindsey, this is a complicated situation.” Blake stood a few feet away from them, and his tone was that father type, the kind that told a child this was too adult for her to understand.
Lindsey heard it, too. “I’m smart, and I do understand what’s going on. And if everyone else, even my cousins, knows what is going on, I want to know. I don’t want everyone to be talking about my life and my family.”
Jana looked at Blake, and he nodded, giving her the go-ahead.
“There was a mistake with the paperwork. Your father did file for divorce, but one of the important documents didn’t get signed.”
Lindsey’s face lit up and she smiled. Jana’s heart sank. She didn’t want her daughter to have false hope, to believe that birthday prayer would come true.
“So you aren’t getting a divorce?” She looked from Jana to Blake and back to Jana.
Jana didn’t know what to say to that. She looked at Blake, and she could tell by his expression that he didn’t want to do this anymore than she did. So why were they?
They stood there, the three of them—Jana, Lindsey and Blake, leaning against the truck, staring up at a sky that had grown cloudy. The arena had grown quiet. People were heading for their cars. Horses and other livestock were being loaded. Jana could hear laughter and conversations that were quiet from a distance. And to the south, thunder echoed.
“I’m not a baby. I know you think because I’m sick I can’t handle the truth, but I can.” Lindsey broke the silence, looking from one to the other of them. “It might not be what I want, but I really don’t want to pretend I know when I don’t.”
“Okay, here’s the truth.” Blake sighed as he said it. “We were waiting to do this later. We don’t want to hurt you.”
Blake’s voice was quiet, his tone said something that Jana couldn’t quite discern. What she could have told him, what he had to know, was that this would be hard on Lindsey no matter what or when they did it. Time wouldn’t make a difference.
“But we’re all happy together.” Lindsey looked up at him. “Aren’t we? And you love my mom.”
Lindsey’s eyes had filled with tears. Jana reached for her but Lindsey pulled away.
“There’s a lot more to a relationship,” Blake started and then he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Lindsey.”
“You both act like this is just about you. But what about me? You’re my mom and dad, and I’m just the kid who doesn’t get to make any decisions.”
Jana had to step in. “Lindsey, that isn’t fair.”
“But I thought we’d all be together.” She sniffled and wiped her eyes on the back of her arm. “I even thought Teddy and Sissy would be with us. I thought we would all live on the ranch together. I don’t want to move anymore.”
“You won’t.” Blake turned a hard look on Jana. “Will you?”
“We’re not leaving Dawson. But eventually I do have to get my own place.”
“We’ll work this out, Lindsey.” Blake pulled his daughter close and kissed the top of her head. “I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but it’s the answer for right now.”
Jana didn’t know what his answer meant, but it seemed to satisfy Lindsey.
They climbed in the truck together and made a quiet trip back to the ranch, with Jana thinking about a man not willing to tell her he loved her and the wall that would always be between them.
The wall had been built by choices she’d made, but she was losing hope that it would fall. She would have lost hope, but then she remembered: even the walls of Jericho fell when God made the plan.
Chapter Thirteen
Blake was up at dawn on Monday morning. He walked through his parents’ house, expecting someone to be up. No one was. The house was completely silent, but there were signs of children. A toy truck parked in the living room next to the sofa and a Barbie sitting in a rocking chair. Teddy and Sissy were settling in and making their presence felt. He grinned at that because the two kids seemed to be adjusting. He knew it hadn’t been easy at first. There was a lot they couldn’t understand.
And there was a lot they weren’t going to know about. Not now, with Lisa still missing on the streets of Tulsa. At least they were here and they were safe.
In the kitchen he started a pot of coffee brewing and then sliced himself a piece of apple pie for breakfast. He was munching it down when his dad walked in, still looking half-asleep.
“You’re getting around late.” Blake nodded toward the pie on the counter.
Tim Cooper took a slice of pie and sat down next to his son. “I’m too old for little ones.”
“No, you aren’t. You just have to get back in the kid mode. Think how boring this house would be without those two kids.”
His dad chewed a bite of pie and then got up for a cup of coffee. He raised the pot, an offer, and Blake nodded. His dad poured two cups and slid them across the counter.
“I was thinking,” his dad said as he sat back down, “that you would end up with Teddy and Sissy. Makes more sense to me. You and Teddy have a pretty serious bond.”
“I can’t imagine them turning two kids over to a single guy living in his parents’ guesthouse.”
His dad took another bite of pie. “Two problems with that statement.”
“Great, and I guess you’re going to tell me what they are?” He finished his pie and waited.
“Yeah, I am. First, you’re not single. Second, you have a house.”
“Dad, a month or so back I was as single as any guy around.”
“A single guy who hasn’t really dated in ten years means a guy who is still pretty attached to the idea of being married.”
“I had other things on my mind. I was looking for my daughter.”
“And your wife.”
Blake got up to pour himself another cup of coffee. He glanced back at his dad. “I don’t recall the search being for Jana.”
“I always kind of thought it was.”
Blake leaned against the counter holding his cup of coffee, not really interested in drinking it.
“In the sense that she had my daughter, I guess I did search for my wife.”
“Why don’t you go home?” His dad finished off his pie. “You have a house, a wife and a daughter, and you’re living above my garage.”
“It isn’t that simple. Until last week I thought I was divorced from my wife. And I’m not sure I want to pick up where we left off. I definitely don’t want to rush back into a relationship that might fall apart again. What would be harder on Lindsey, us divorcing or the hope that we might work things out only to find that we can’t?”
“She made a mistake,” Tim admitted.
“Yes, she did.”
“I guess we’ve all made mistakes. And if your mom hadn’t been willing to trust me, I probably wouldn’t be here. Or she wouldn’t.”
He was talking about his affair with Jeremy Hightree’s mother. An affair that had meant learning that he was Jeremy’s dad. It had taken not just their family but the whole community by surprise. It had meant a lot of hurt and anger.
These days, Jeremy was as much a part of the Cooper family as any of them. And Angie Cooper had been his biggest supporter. Blake loved his mom. She was about the most patient, forgiving person in the world. But Blake wasn’t his mother.
“I cheated one time, Blake. One mistake and that mistake left ripples. If I had it to do over, I never would have made that choice. But at the same time, I have a son that I love and care about.”
“I know you do. Jeremy is my brother. None of us would want to undo that.”
“No, but it was wrong, and I’d undo the pain I caused your mother if I could. Give your marriage a chance.”
“I’m working on this. I’m struggling with it, though. With trusting her.” He returned to his seat next to his dad.
“One day at a time, you let her prove that she’s here to stay.”
His dad smiled, causing lines around his eyes that had deepened in the past few years. The sun shining through the window caught the gray in his blond hair.
“Remember when you were ten...”
Blake groaned. “Let’s not bring that up again.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d rather forget.”
His dad smiled a gotcha smile. “I’m sure you would.”
“I thought I’d smoke one of Uncle Ron’s cigars, and I set twenty acres on fire.”
“And you never did it again. You didn’t smoke again, or play with matches.”
“Some people don’t learn the first time around. Jackson is a pretty good example of that.”
Boots stomped in the direction of the kitchen and Jackson shouted before he came into sight. “Hey, don’t use me as an example. I’m living a pretty decent life now. I’m all settled down and respectable.”
Blake laughed. “Yeah, you’re respectable. Button your shirt.”
“I just got up fifteen minutes ago. Give a guy a break.” Jackson finished buttoning his shirt and then ran a hand through hair that was standing on end.
“Since when do you sleep in?” Blake shook his head. “Everyone is sleeping in around here.”
“I don’t get any sleep at night because a little boy is teething.”
“That’s rough.” Blake grinned as he handed Jackson a cup of coffee. He remembered those days, being tired and grouchy. And then missing it like crazy.
He had missed Jana’s presence. He’d missed baby stuff all over the house. He’d missed the warmth of his wife and daughter, how it felt to come home to them.
He remembered coming home to an empty house and a note, no little girl running to greet him, no Jana in the kitchen singing off-key to the radio.
“Blake, give it time.” His dad stood to leave as he gave that last bit of advice.
“I know.”
Jackson took the seat their dad had vacated. “I’m sorry about Jade spilling the beans. She must have overheard us talking, and she thought she was sharing good news. You know how she is about family.”
Because she hadn’t really had one until she showed up on Jackson’s doorstep looking for a dad. Blake got it.
“We’re not upset with Jade. We should have told Lindsey.”
Jackson shrugged and took a long drink of coffee. He’d never been bothered by sucking down hot liquid.
“I’m going to move some cattle over to the forty that attaches to your place. Gage got it baled yesterday. Want to ride along?”
That sounded good. He couldn’t, though.
“Sounds good but I have to take care of a few things.”
“I’ve got a nice gentle pony you can ride.” Jackson laughed as he stood to go.
“I think I’ll pass on the pony.”
* * *
Blake got to his place an hour later. He walked through the front door of the house, rapping once on the frame of the door. It felt strange to knock on the door of the house he had lived in for more than a dozen years.
Music played from the kitchen. He could hear Lindsey talking to Jana. It was no longer baby talk in a toddler voice. Instead it was the voice of a girl who would soon be thirteen. He didn’t have any doubts about what she wanted for that birthday.
The house was no longer lifeless, the way it had been since Jana left him. A part of him wanted to keep it this way, with his daughter laughing and Jana singing along to country music.
He walked through the door of the kitchen, taking off his hat as he went. Jana turned from the sink. She was washing dishes. Lindsey was playing a game on some kind of pocket device he didn’t know the name of. They both smiled but he could see hesitancy.
“Do you want coffee?” Jana offered, reaching for a cup. He shook his head.
“You smell like barn,” Lindsey informed him and then went back to her game.
“Thanks.”
Could a moment get more normal? He thought it couldn’t. He smiled at Jana and she looked unsure.
“I have to go to work, but do the two of you want to meet me at the Mad Cow for lunch?” he asked as he stepped back from the sink. “I told Mom I’d pick Teddy up this evening. He’s had a rough couple of days, and she thought it might help to spend time with us.”
Jana looked from him to Lindsey. Their daughter shrugged a little, and she didn’t look as thrilled as he thought she might. Maybe because she was worried. He didn’t blame her. She’d had a rough couple of days, too.
He didn’t know how to fix it all for her, though. If he thought he could, he would. The only thing he could give her were the normal moments like this one.
* * *
At noon Jana and Lindsey met Blake at the Mad Cow. They were seated in a corner booth, Blake sitting across from them.
“Your birthday is in a couple of weeks.” Jana smiled at the waitress who brought their drinks. “Have you thought about what you would like?”
Lindsey was silent for a minute and then she shook her head. “Nothing that I can think of.”
“Lindsey...”
Lindsey stopped her. “I don’t really want a gift. I can’t think of anything I want. But I have been planning my party with Jade and we talked to Granddad. I’ll have a slumber party with my cousins. Granddad said we could use the big wagons that they use at Christmas and have a hayride.”
Love Inspired February 2014 - Bundle 1 of 2: The Cowboy's Reunited FamilyThe Forest Ranger's ReturnMommy Wanted Page 14