Whiskey Lullaby

by Dawn Martens

  I can’t say I haven’t screwed around over the last nine years, because I have. I fucked around a lot. I guess that I've enjoyed it, at least the few that I remember, but no one compares to my Julie.

  I have a different woman every night. I never date; it's always just a quick lay. I never fucked any one at my place: bathroom in the bar, alley, truck. Anywhere, but the home I shared with Julie. When it’s over, I always go back home and think about how fucked up my life is. Then I drink myself into oblivion.

  Today is family dinner at Pop's. I think it’s total bullshit. He started it after Mom died. I think it’s too fucking late for him to turn into a family man now. He should have done this shit when she was still alive. If he had, maybe she’d still be with us.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love my pop. Always have, always will, but he screwed up with Mom. If it wasn’t for him fucking around, she would've been home that night, not running away to Aunt Sue’s.

  There's always disappointment in Pop's eyes when he looks at me. I'm not sure if he's still disappointed about what I did to Julie, or if it’s about all the woman I fuck. Maybe it's the whiskey dinner I have every night. Probably all of it.

  I get out of my truck and walk towards Pop's door. I know my brothers are already here, and I notice Julie’s Aunt and Uncle's car is around back. I don’t know why Pop does this shit to me. Doesn’t he know how damn hard it is to see Mack and Angie all the time.

  “That fucking bastard did what? How is little Jenny?”

  What the hell? Who the fuck is Jenny?

  “You tell Julie that Matty, Kristen, and I will be up there as soon as we can. You keep her daughter with you. I don’t want her bastard of a husband anywhere near Jenny.”

  My Julie got married? She has a kid? My heart drops, and I feel bile rising up in my throat at the thought of Julie being married. The finality of it all hits me. Part of me wants to turn around and hit the whiskey, while the other part wants to find out what the fuck is going on.

  Temptation wins.

  “What the hell is going on?” I say as I storm into the kitchen and see Mack on the phone.

  ******

  Julie

  I wake up to the sound of machines beeping. I should be used to it by now. Lord knows this isn't my first rodeo. I open my eyes and notice the room I’m in. I’ve been in here before. They should keep it reserved for me.

  I look around the room and see my daughter Jenny is sleeping in one of the chairs, holding on to her favorite doll Lulu. My sister-in-law, Bethany, is sitting in the other chair, stroking Jenny's hair. Bethany notices I’m awake and rushes over to me.

  “How are you, hun?” she says, taking my good hand in hers.

  “I’m…um…I’m okay.” I try to talk normally, but it comes out more of a whisper. “How’s my baby?”

  “Jenny is fine sweetie. She’s been here with me the whole time. I told her you fell down the stairs.” Bethany shrugs her shoulders. In other words, Jenny doesn’t buy it.

  "How long this time?"

  "Three days. The doctors wanted to keep you sedated for a while. You had a pretty bad concussion, but it’s all good now.” Three days. Shit! Everyone will be worried.

  I look over at Jenny. She's sleeping like baby. She looks so much like her father that I can't help but think of Jase each time I look at her.

  After I ran away from Tennessee, I ended up in Kansas City. Kristen was attending College here, and I wanted to be near her.

  I signed up for classes and slept on the floor of Kristen's dorm room. Luckily, her roommate Bethany was a sweet girl. Bethany is shy, even shyer than me. She is drop dead gorgeous, with auburn hair and blue eyes. Bethany never complained once about having me there. Before long, she became one of my closest friends. I don't know what I would've done without her over the last nine years.

  After leaving Jase, I thought I had cried as much as a person could, but I was wrong. When the doctor told me I was pregnant, I proved that a body never runs out of tears.

  I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left Jase. At first, I didn’t even realize I had missed a few periods. When I did, I didn’t really think much about it. I was so upset about Jase and Bec that I just assumed it was the stress. Then, I started getting sick, so I decided to go into the clinic. By the time I found out, I was roughly three months along.

  I was scared shitless. I didn’t know how I was going to support myself and a child without going back home, and I knew that I was absolutely not going back to Cromwell. Even if I could face Jase and Bec again, I didn't think Jase was in any condition to be a dad.

  When I told my family and Pop about the baby, they warned me to stay away. They all said they would help all they could, but that Jase was in no way ready to be a father. I kept asking them when I should tell him, but they all kept saying to wait. No one would tell me what was going on with him, so I finally called Matty. He said Jase had fallen apart after I left. He was drinking all the time and fucking up his life. In other words, he was getting drunk and fucking anything that could walk.

  I hated that Jase was in pain, but a part of me thought he deserved it. Jase didn't just hurt me, he shattered me. I sometimes wonder if that time I caught him with Bec was the only time he cheated, but I know it wasn't. I remember those nights that he didn't come home. The next day, his clothes would smell like whiskey and perfume. He always had a good excuse, so I brushed it off. God, I was stupid. How could I have thought he loved me?

  It took me three years before I moved on. When I first met Bethany's brother Dean, I thought he was a great guy. He wasn’t handsome in the way Jase was, but he was cute. His dark blond hair and deep blue eyes immediately grabbed my attention. That, teamed with his drool-worthy body, had been the icing on the cake. He wasn’t just easy on the eyes; he had also just graduated from medical school and joined a small gynecology practice about an hour out of Kansas City. Best of all, he was amazing with Jenny. Dean was everything a girl could want.

  After months of him asking me out, I finally gave in. Bethany tried to warn me. She always acted strange whenever Dean was around, but she never really explained why. She just kept saying, "My brother is not who you think he is." I wish I had listened.

  Dean was a wonderful boyfriend. He was attentive and always included Jenny in our plans. When we went out, we went to places like the park or the zoo. He even took us to Worlds of Fun and spent the whole day riding baby rides with Jenny. I thought that he would make a wonderful step-father.

  I didn’t love him, but I did like him a lot. There were no butterflies, no erratic beats of my heart. I wasn’t sure I could love anyone except Jase. Naively, I figured like was enough. We dated for two years before he asked me to marry him. I didn't say yes the first time, but a year later, I figured being married to Dean was better than being alone.

  I was wrong.

  He didn’t start getting abusive until after we were married. He hit me for the first time while we were on our honeymoon in the Bahamas. The transformation in Dean is still difficult to get my head around.

  He slept in one morning, and I decided to go lay out by the pool. I put on the new bikini Kristen bought me as a wedding gift, left a note near his pillow, and headed for the pool.

  About an hour later, Dean walked out to the pool. He was looking back and forth trying to find me. I got up and started to walk to him, and as soon as I stood up, he noticed me. His eyes met mine, and I realized that he was angry. Really angry. He ran over to me, literally knocking people out of his way. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to our room, while everyone watched me struggle to keep up.

  As soon as we got through the door, he backhanded me. I flew across the room, but he was on top of me before I even landed. I was so shocked that I couldn’t even open my mouth. I could not believe that he was the same man that I had married just a few days earlier. Dean screamed at me for leaving the room. I was never supposed to go anywhere without getting his permission first. He screamed at me for wearing a bikini. I was h
is, and no one was allowed to see my body but him. He then started hitting me and kept hitting me until I blacked out.

  I left him the next day. I snuck out of our hotel while he was sleeping.

  I walked through the airport, head down, trying to hide my bruises.

  I used most of my savings to fly home. When I got back to Kansas City, I got a hotel room and hid for three days. I kept trying to figure out how to get away from Dean, without telling my family what happened, but came up with nothing. On the third night, Dean found me.

  Dean forced me to come home. He beat the living hell out of me for running away. It was way worse than the first time. After he was done, he got out his doctor bag and patched me up. I ended up with two broken ribs and nine stitches. He warned me that it would be worse if I ever tried to leave him again. He then went to work like nothing ever happened.

  Dean didn't promise not to do it again; he never even said he was sorry. He just told me if I was a proper wife, he wouldn’t have to punish me. I did try to run away again; I've tried to leave him many times. I did not want Jenny to grow up in a home full of abuse and anger. I pressed charges more than once, but Dean and Bethany’s father is the only judge in our little town. I guess things like domestic violence gets swept under the rug when your Daddy's a judge. I finally quit trying to leave, because I knew getting away wasn’t an option.

  At first, I wondered why he changed so much after we were married. I have come to realize that he didn’t change at all. He just hid his true self from me, until he knew that I couldn’t get away.

  “Bethany, can you get me a phone please. I need to call my family. They'll be worried."

  “I already did that, hun. Kristen, your Uncle Mack and Matty are on their way."

  "What? You didn’t tell them anything did you?"

  Bethany completely ignores me. "Jenny is really excited to see them. She says they always bring her a surprise," she adds with a smile.

  I can tell Bethany is feeling guilty again. She has told me a million times how bad she feels that she didn’t tell me about Dean before he and I got married. I've told her over and over that this is not her fault, and that she did try to warn me. She is stuck in her own world of pain, all courtesy of Dean and his parents. I know Dean has hurt me, but he has fucked Bethany up in a way that I'm not sure she can ever overcome. Having her parents ignore years of Dean torturing her didn't help either.

  Bethany has never told me everything Dean has done to her, but I know it’s bad. I’ve seen him beat her more than once. I have also seen him look at her in a way that no brother should ever look at a sister. I tried to get her to stay away, but she keeps coming back. She won’t leave me to suffer Dean on my own.

  Bethany tugs on my hand. "I've got some news."

  My throat hurts so badly that I just nod for her to go on.

  "Well, do you remember me telling you about Cynthia Cook?"

  Of course, I remember. She is a big time divorce lawyer from the city. People say she is like a pit bull. She grabs a man by the balls and doesn’t let go until there's nothing left. She'd be perfect, but I didn't have the $25,000 retainer. Yes, I am a doctor’s wife, but I have no money. None! I do not have access to one cent. I could not purchase a Snickers bar without permission.

  I worked as a legal secretary for two years, before Dean and I were married. I enjoyed my job, but Dean made me quit as soon as we said our ‘I dos’. At the time, I thought he did it to control me and that was part of it. But now, I think he was also worried that my co-workers would see the results of my regular beatings.

  Bethany and I have already talked about getting a good lawyer a million times. She keeps saying she will come up with the money somehow, but I know that's not going to happen. She's a teacher, with hardly enough money to pay her own bills.

  I could always ask my family or Pop. Even Matty and Shane would help, but then I'd have to explain what was going on. I can't do that. I know my guys, and they would hurt Dean. They'd end up jail, and I refuse to let them pay for my mistakes.

  “Well, Ms. Cook took your case," Bethany says with a true smile, a smile I rarely see.

  "What? How?"

  "It seems that Ms. Cook doesn't like it very much when a husband abuses his wife, and she hates my father." She smiles again. “Her sister was in a little fender bender, and she was in the ER waiting room at the same time as I was. I happened to run into her getting coffee. I figured, what the heck. I told her everything. She then came back to see you. As soon as she looked at you, she was ready to go after Dean. When she realized who our Dad was and what he was doing to cover for Dean, she was practically drooling." Bethany looks at me and giggles.

  "Yeah, then what happened?" I had to know what was going on.

  "She said she had some things to do. She left without even getting my number, so I was afraid that we'd never see her again, but she was back in less than three hours. With divorce papers!" she screams the last part, while waving the papers in my face.

  I break into tears.

  Chapter 2

  Jase

  I’m speechless as I listen to Mack tell me about what Julie has been going through with her fucking husband. I want to kill that bastard for hurting her.

  “Julie's coming home, Jase, but she’s not your woman anymore. You need to remember that, son.” Mack talks to me like I am still a kid and I can’t stand it.

  “Fuck that. I’ve wanted her back since she left. I haven’t changed my mind.”

  Matty laughs at that, then adds, “She doesn’t want you, man. And with what you’ve been like since she left, she probably never will. Especially with Bec still hanging around.”

  “There is nothing going on with me and Bec anymore.”

  He just shakes his head.

  “What? You don’t believe me?”

  “Maybe there isn’t now, but how do you think Jules is going to feel when she finds out the one time she caught you wasn’t the only time you’ve screwed around on her, or about how you kept fucking Bec for months after she left?” Matty replies.

  “Not to mention the fact that you’ve had pretty much every hot chick in the county and a lot of the ugly bitches too. You really think Jules will want you when she finds that out?" Shane asks.

  "Or that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave?" Pop adds.

  I ignore them all and look at Mack.

  “I’m coming with you to get her,” I say to Mack with determination.

  “No, son, you aren’t,” he says. “You’re going to leave my girl alone. If she wants to see you or talk to you, she’ll come to you. It’s because of you that she ran away in the first place. I won’t have you be the reason she runs away again.”

  With that, Matty and Mack walk out the door. Julie's aunt Angie is sitting at the table crying, and Shane is just staring out the window.

  I slump down onto the couch. I run my fingers through my hair and let out a frustrated breath. My pop comes over and sits next to me. “Boy, I can see so much of myself in you. I don't want you to follow in my footsteps. You know how that ended. I did the same thing to your mom. I fucked around on your mom all the time. I hurt my Chelle every damn day.” He takes a deep breath and adds, “She ran off that night, got in that accident and died, all because of me. If it wasn’t for me and my dick, she’d still be here with us. I was never given another chance to make it right with Michelle. You want to make it right with Julie? Give her some time. She’s bound to run into Bec and a few other women you’ve been with, and I can almost guarantee, they won’t make it easy for her.”

  Shit, he’s right. Bec was once one of her best friends, and the whole time we were together, she was trying to get with me. She was always trying to leave her mark, or show up where I was, in hopes that Julie would catch us together. I never saw it back then, but I can see it clearly now. How could I have been so stupid? Then there is Brittany. That bitch has hated Julie since they were kids. I know she’ll be rubbing in the fact that she’s had a piece of me
in Julie’s face.

  "We’ve got to tell him, before she gets here," Shane mumbles.

  “I don't think now is the right time," Angie replies, but she's looking at me.

  "It's time," Pop agrees.

  "But-" Angie starts, but Pop doesn't give her a chance to finish.

  "It's time," Pop repeats.

  Angie brings her face to her hands and takes a deep breath. Finally, she looks up at me and motions for me to come sit by her.

  I'm scared, honest-to-fucking-God scared. The looks on the faces of those around me makes the color slip from my face and my heartbeat increase. I'm not sure what's going on, but I know I'm about to be all kinds of fucked.

  Pop takes out his wallet. He pulls out a picture and hands it to me. My hands shake as I take it. I'm still not looking at it. I'm not ready.

  "That's Jenny, Julie’s daughter. Jennifer Michelle. Look at her, Jase," Angie says quietly.

  Michelle. She named her daughter after my mom. My heart is ripping in two. I can't fucking look. I can't look at my Julie's kid. She wasn't supposed to have kids with someone else. It should have been us. It should be my baby in that picture.

  "Look at her, son," orders Pop.

  I finally look at the picture in my hand. My God, she’s beautiful. She has Julie's blue eyes, but her hair is a lot lighter. Her hair is a lot like my mom’s was and Shane’s is. She’s got a deep dimple on her left cheek, just like Pop and Matty. She’s got a crooked smile, just like mine.

  Oh my God, she’s mine. I have a daughter! I drop the picture. I’m struggling to breathe and my head starts to spin. I look at Pop. “When was she born?”

  He looks nervously to Shane and Angie. Then, he looks back at me. “She’s eight. She’ll be nine at the end of September.”

  I can feel the anger coursing through my veins. “Why didn’t Julie tell me?”