by Lord Byron
One wonder’d what to do with such a number
Of articles which nobody required;
Here wealth had done its utmost to encumber
With furniture an exquisite apartment,
Which puzzled Nature much to know what Art meant.
LXV
It seem’d, however, but to open on
A range or suite of further chambers, which
Might lead to heaven knows where; but in this one
The movables were prodigally rich:
Sofas ‘t was half a sin to sit upon,
So costly were they; carpets every stitch
Of workmanship so rare, they made you wish
You could glide o’er them like a golden fish.
LXVI
The black, however, without hardly deigning
A glance at that which wrapt the slaves in wonder,
Trampled what they scarce trod for fear of staining,
As if the milky way their feet was under
With all its stars; and with a stretch attaining
A certain press or cupboard niched in yonder —
In that remote recess which you may see —
Or if you don’t the fault is not in me, —
LXVII
I wish to be perspicuous; and the black,
I say, unlocking the recess, pull’d forth
A quantity of clothes fit for the back
Of any Mussulman, whate’er his worth;
And of variety there was no lack —
And yet, though I have said there was no dearth,
He chose himself to point out what he thought
Most proper for the Christians he had bought.
LXVIII
The suit he thought most suitable to each
Was, for the elder and the stouter, first
A Candiote cloak, which to the knee might reach,
And trousers not so tight that they would burst,
But such as fit an Asiatic breech;
A shawl, whose folds in Cashmire had been nurst,
Slippers of saffron, dagger rich and handy;
In short, all things which form a Turkish Dandy.
LXIX
While he was dressing, Baba, their black friend,
Hinted the vast advantages which they
Might probably attain both in the end,
If they would but pursue the proper way
Which fortune plainly seem’d to recommend;
And then he added, that he needs must say,
“‘T would greatly tend to better their condition,
If they would condescend to circumcision.
LXX
“For his own part, he really should rejoice
To see them true believers, but no less
Would leave his proposition to their choice.”
The other, thanking him for this excess
Of goodness, in thus leaving them a voice
In such a trifle, scarcely could express
“Sufficiently” (he said) “his approbation
Of all the customs of this polish’d nation.
LXXI
“For his own share — he saw but small objection
To so respectable an ancient rite;
And, after swallowing down a slight refection,
For which he own’d a present appetite,
He doubted not a few hours of reflection
Would reconcile him to the business quite.”
“Will it?” said Juan, sharply: “Strike me dead,
But they as soon shall circumcise my head!
LXXII
“Cut off a thousand heads, before—” — “Now, pray,”
Replied the other, “do not interrupt:
You put me out in what I had to say.
Sir! — as I said, as soon as I have supt,
I shall perpend if your proposal may
Be such as I can properly accept;
Provided always your great goodness still
Remits the matter to our own free-will.”
LXXIII
Baba eyed Juan, and said, “Be so good
As dress yourself-” and pointed out a suit
In which a Princess with great pleasure would
Array her limbs; but Juan standing mute,
As not being in a masquerading mood,
Gave it a slight kick with his Christian foot;
And when the old negro told him to “Get ready,”
Replied, “Old gentleman, I’m not a lady.”
LXXIV
“What you may be, I neither know nor care,”
Said Baba; “but pray do as I desire:
I have no more time nor many words to spare.”
”At least,” said Juan, “sure I may enquire
The cause of this odd travesty?” — “Forbear,”
Said Baba, “to be curious; ‘t will transpire,
No doubt, in proper place, and time, and season:
I have no authority to tell the reason.”
LXXV
“Then if I do,” said Juan, “I’ll be —” — “Hold!”
Rejoin’d the negro, “pray be not provoking;
This spirit’s well, but it may wax too bold,
And you will find us not too fond of joking.”
“What, sir!” said Juan, “shall it e’er be told
That I unsex’d my dress?” But Baba, stroking
The things down, said, “Incense me, and I call
Those who will leave you of no sex at all.
LXXVI
“I offer you a handsome suit of clothes:
A woman’s, true; but then there is a cause
Why you should wear them.” — “What, though my soul loathes
The effeminate garb?” — thus, after a short pause,
Sigh’d Juan, muttering also some slight oaths,
”What the devil shall I do with all this gauze?”
Thus he profanely term’d the finest lace
Which e’er set off a marriage-morning face.
LXXVII
And then he swore; and, sighing, on he slipp’d
A pair of trousers of flesh-colour’d silk;
Next with a virgin zone he was equipp’d,
Which girt a slight chemise as white as milk;
But tugging on his petticoat, he tripp’d,
Which — as we say — or, as the Scotch say, whilk
(The rhyme obliges me to this; sometimes
Monarchs are less imperative than rhymes) —
LXXVIII
Whilk, which (or what you please), was owing to
His garment’s novelty, and his being awkward:
And yet at last he managed to get through
His toilet, though no doubt a little backward:
The negro Baba help’d a little too,
When some untoward part of raiment stuck hard;
And, wrestling both his arms into a gown,
He paused, and took a survey up and down.
LXXIX
One difficulty still remain’d — his hair
Was hardly long enough; but Baba found
So many false long tresses all to spare,
That soon his head was most completely crown’d,
After the manner then in fashion there;
And this addition with such gems was bound
As suited the ensemble of his toilet,
While Baba made him comb his head and oil it.
LXXX
And now being femininely all array’d,
With some small aid from scissors, paint, and tweezers,
He look’d in almost all respects a maid,
And Baba smilingly exclaim’d, “You see, sirs,
A perfect transformation here display’d;
And now, then, you must come along with me, sirs,
That is — the Lady:” clapping his hands twice,
Four blacks were at his elbow in a trice.
LXXXI
“You, sir,” said Baba, nodding to the one,
’Will please to accompany those gentlemen
To supper; but you, worthy Christian nun,
Will follow me: no trifling, sir; for when
I say a thing, it must at once be done.
What fear you? think you this a lion’s den?
Why, ‘t is a palace; where the truly wise
Anticipate the Prophet’s paradise.
LXXXII
“You fool! I tell you no one means you harm.”
”So much the better,” Juan said, “for them;
Else they shall feel the weight of this my arm,
Which is not quite so light as you may deem.
I yield thus far; but soon will break the charm
If any take me for that which I seem:
So that I trust for everybody’s sake,
That this disguise may lead to no mistake.”
LXXXIII
“Blockhead! come on, and see,” quoth Baba; while
Don Juan, turning to his comrade, who
Though somewhat grieved, could scarce forbear a smile
Upon the metamorphosis in view, —
“Farewell!” they mutually exclaim’d: “this soil
Seems fertile in adventures strange and new;
One’s turn’d half Mussulman, and one a maid,
By this old black enchanter’s unsought aid.”
LXXXIV
“Farewell!” said Juan: ‘should we meet no more,
I wish you a good appetite.” — “Farewell!”
Replied the other; “though it grieves me sore;
When we next meet we’ll have a tale to tell:
We needs must follow when Fate puts from shore.
Keep your good name; though Eve herself once fell.”
“Nay,” quoth the maid, “the Sultan’s self shan’t carry me,
Unless his highness promises to marry me.”
LXXXV
And thus they parted, each by separate doors;
Baba led Juan onward room by room
Through glittering galleries and o’er marble floors,
Till a gigantic portal through the gloom,
Haughty and huge, along the distance lowers;
And wafted far arose a rich perfume:
It seem’d as though they came upon a shrine,
For all was vast, still, fragrant, and divine.
LXXXVI
The giant door was broad, and bright, and high,
Of gilded bronze, and carved in curious guise;
Warriors thereon were battling furiously;
Here stalks the victor, there the vanquish’d lies;
There captives led in triumph droop the eye,
And in perspective many a squadron flies:
It seems the work of times before the line
Of Rome transplanted fell with Constantine.
LXXXVII
This massy portal stood at the wide close
Of a huge hall, and on its either side
Two little dwarfs, the least you could suppose,
Were sate, like ugly imps, as if allied
In mockery to the enormous gate which rose
O’er them in almost pyramidic pride:
The gate so splendid was in all its features,
You never thought about those little creatures,
LXXXVIII
Until you nearly trod on them, and then
You started back in horror to survey
The wondrous hideousness of those small men,
Whose colour was not black, nor white, nor grey,
But an extraneous mixture, which no pen
Can trace, although perhaps the pencil may;
They were mis-shapen pigmies, deaf and dumb —
Monsters, who cost a no less monstrous sum.
LXXXIX
Their duty was — for they were strong, and though
They look’d so little, did strong things at times —
To ope this door, which they could really do,
The hinges being as smooth as Rogers’ rhymes;
And now and then, with tough strings of the bow,
As is the custom of those Eastern climes,
To give some rebel Pacha a cravat;
For mutes are generally used for that.
XC
They spoke by signs — that is, not spoke at all;
And looking like two incubi, they glared
As Baba with his fingers made them fall
To heaving back the portal folds: it scared
Juan a moment, as this pair so small
With shrinking serpent optics on him stared;
It was as if their little looks could poison
Or fascinate whome’er they fix’d their eyes on.
XCI
Before they enter’d, Baba paused to hint
To Juan some slight lessons as his guide:
“If you could just contrive,” he said, “to stint
That somewhat manly majesty of stride,
‘T would be as well, and (though there’s not much in ‘t)
To swing a little less from side to side,
Which has at times an aspect of the oddest; —
And also could you look a little modest,
XCII
“‘T would be convenient; for these mutes have eyes
Like needles, which may pierce those petticoats;
And if they should discover your disguise,
You know how near us the deep Bosphorus floats;
And you and I may chance, ere morning rise,
To find our way to Marmora without boats,
Stitch’d up in sacks — a mode of navigation
A good deal practised here upon occasion.”
XCIII
With this encouragement, he led the way
Into a room still nobler than the last;
A rich confusion form’d a disarray
In such sort, that the eye along it cast
Could hardly carry anything away,
Object on object flash’d so bright and fast;
A dazzling mass of gems, and gold, and glitter,
Magnificently mingled in a litter.
XCIV
Wealth had done wonders — taste not much; such things
Occur in Orient palaces, and even
In the more chasten’d domes of Western kings
(Of which I have also seen some six or seven),
Where I can’t say or gold or diamond flings
Great lustre, there is much to be forgiven;
Groups of bad statues, tables, chairs, and pictures,
On which I cannot pause to make my strictures.
XCV
In this imperial hall, at distance lay
Under a canopy, and there reclined
Quite in a confidential queenly way,
A lady; Baba stopp’d, and kneeling sign’d
To Juan, who though not much used to pray,
Knelt down by instinct, wondering in his mind,
What all this meant: while Baba bow’d and bended
His head, until the ceremony ended.
XCVI
The lady rising up with such an air
As Venus rose with from the wave, on them
Bent like an antelope a Paphian pair
Of eyes, which put out each surrounding gem;
And raising up an arm as moonlight fair,
She sign’d to Baba, who first kiss’d the hem
Of her deep purple robe, and speaking low,
Pointed to Juan who remain’d below.
XCVII
Her presence was as lofty as her state;
Her beauty of that overpowering kind,
Whose force description only would abate:
I’d rather leave it much to your own mind,
Than lessen it by what I could relate
Of forms and features; it would strike you blind
Could I do justice to the full detail;
So, luckily for both, my phrases fail.
XCVIII
Thus much however I may add, — her years
Were ripe, they might make six-and-twenty springs;
But there are forms which Time to touch forbears,
And turns aside his scythe to vulgar things,
Such as was Mary’s Queen of Scots; true — tears
And love destroy; and sapping sorrow wrings
Charms from the charmer, yet some never grow
Ugly; for instance — Ninon de l’Enclos.
XCIX
She spake some words to her attendants, who
Composed a choir of girls, ten or a dozen,
And were all clad alike; like Juan, too,
Who wore their uniform, by Baba chosen;
They form’d a very nymph-like looking crew,
Which might have call’d Diana’s chorus “cousin,”
As far as outward show may correspond;
I won’t be bail for anything beyond.
C
They bow’d obeisance and withdrew, retiring,
But not by the same door through which came in
Baba and Juan, which last stood admiring,
At some small distance, all he saw within
This strange saloon, much fitted for inspiring
Marvel and praise; for both or none things win;
And I must say, I ne’er could see the very
Great happiness of the “Nil Admirari.”
CI
“Not to admire is all the art I know
(Plain truth, dear Murray, needs few flowers of speech)
To make men happy, or to keep them so”
(So take it in the very words of Creech) —
Thus Horace wrote we all know long ago;
And thus Pope quotes the precept to re-teach
From his translation; but had none admired,
Would Pope have sung, or Horace been inspired?
CII
Baba, when all the damsels were withdrawn,
Motion’d to Juan to approach, and then
A second time desired him to kneel down,
And kiss the lady’s foot; which maxim when
He heard repeated, Juan with a frown
Drew himself up to his full height again,
And said, “It grieved him, but he could not stoop
To any shoe, unless it shod the Pope.”
CIII
Baba, indignant at this ill-timed pride,
Made fierce remonstrances, and then a threat
He mutter’d (but the last was given aside)
About a bow-string — quite in vain; not yet
Would Juan bend, though ‘t were to Mahomet’s bride:
There’s nothing in the world like etiquette