Instead, I just felt lost.
My baby would never come home.
Even as those thoughts flooded through me, guilt followed. How could I think of me and what I’d lost, and not my family?
When my free hand drifted towards my stomach, I swallowed and forced a smile. “That’s great. Really terrific. I-I gotta go sort through these contracts though.”
I dropped Beau’s hand and rushed to my room.
Minutes later, there was a knock on my door. Assuming it was Beau, I called out to give him permission to enter. It was Dad who pushed through the door. He leant against the doorframe as he assessed me.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. Then tears flooded my eyes at lying to him and I shook my head.
“Is it because of Georgia?”
My frown deepened, and my lip quivered.
“Can I sit?” he asked, moving closer to my bed.
When I wiggled over to give him room, he sat beside me.
“Your mum and I understand this isn’t easy for you. No one expects you to just forget what happened.”
“I want to be happy about Georgia.” My tears were stealing my words almost as fast as I could form them. “I am happy about it. I just don’t know how I’m going to cope with her being here.”
“We get it, baby girl.” He wrapped one arm around my shoulders and let me cry against him. “I know how much it hurts to lose a child you never got to meet.”
As he said the words, the pain in his voice spoke to mine, and my tears fell harder.
We sat like that, communicating our shared pain without words until Angel sent Beau to tell us that dinner was ready. Dad gave me one more squeeze and then headed to the rest of the family, but I took a moment to let Beau wrap me in his arms. I wasn’t the only one hurting because of our baby’s death, and the reminder Georgia posed, and the most selfish thing I could do is forget that.
“Are you okay?” I asked him.
“I got you, darlin’, ya help me get through it.” He pulled away and cupped my cheek. “That’s all I need.”
For the rest of the night, thoughts of the event happening the following day ran through my head over and over. I tried to be present with my family, Beau, and Angel, but I couldn’t. I bid everyone goodnight, grabbed Beau’s hand, and retreated to my room with him in tow.
Angel stayed away the following morning. I wasn’t sure whether she was busy or was trying to avoid the possible fallout. I wasn’t sure if I wanted her there or not. It was probably for the best that she wasn’t though because I was likely to block her out if I couldn’t cope.
Dad was gone before anyone was awake. By nine, he’d sent a text saying that Georgia had passed all of her last tests with flying colours and they were heading home. Knowing it’s what I should do, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I spent the time organising my siblings at the door, getting them all ready to welcome our newest sister home.
When the door opened, my heart leapt into my throat. Mum came in first, carrying the bags she and Georgia had used while in the hospital. It gave me a second to brace myself. For all the time Georgia had been in the hospital, I hadn’t been to visit her once despite being invited. I’d seen some photos, but I hadn’t been able to find the courage to go to her.
Dad came in next, cradling a little bundle in his arms. Everyone else rushed forward to get a look, and Dad’s laughter rang out. “She’s still little,” he said, “and we need to give her some space, but everyone will have a chance to hold her before long. Remember, she’ll be living with us for at least eighteen years.”
I caught Mum staring at me, and it was only as the pity in her gaze became clear that I realised my fingers were curled into fists at my side.
“C-can I hold her, Dad?” I asked, stepping forward.
Mum and Dad cast each other one of the glances they thought I didn’t notice—the one they gave each other when I was making some progress on the mental charts in their minds. It had been a while since I’d seen them share one.
“Definitely.” Despite having told Beth she couldn’t hold Georgia just yet, Dad practically leapt at the thought of me giving Georgia a cuddle.
He moved across the space and placed her into my arms. The instant she was in my hold, I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. My mind raced with thoughts, everything from joy that she was alive and thriving despite being premature, through to the same thing I’d thought since allowing myself to acknowledge Mum’s pregnancy. How would I cope watching her grow up knowing that my child would’ve been the same age? Would’ve hit the same milestones at around the same time.
“Are you okay, darlin’?” Beau asked me in a near silent whisper.
I lifted my gaze to his and swallowed down the rising swell inside of me. “I don’t want to hate her, or be jealous of Mum and Dad,” I murmured, just loud enough for him to hear. “But I can’t turn off the part of me that wonders—” I cut myself off because I didn’t need to say the words.
“If things hadda been different . . .?”
I tried to ignore the hurt buried in his gaze and remind myself over and over that it was the situation he hated, not me. “It would’ve been a shock, for sure, but I don’t know, there would be worse things in the world than being the mother of your children.”
“Well, there’s some high praise if ever I heard it,” he teased.
“You know what I mean.”
“I do.” He kissed my forehead before whispering in my ear, “If it ever gets too much for ya, there’s always my house.”
“I might have to take you up on that from time to time.” I glanced down at my baby sister’s face again. “But I think I’m okay for now.”
THE FOLLOWING DAY, I woke early and got ready to face people. The options were that or spend the day at home near my baby sister. I definitely wasn’t ready for that routine. All I needed was a couple of days away, just until Georgia was settled in, and then I’d be okay again.
Or at least as “okay” as I could be.
Mum and Dad both stopped and stared at me for a moment when I emerged while everyone was eating breakfast—usually I stayed in my pyjamas until everyone was already gone. Plus with Beau in the shower, I was facing them alone which made the situation twice as unusual.
“Dad, do you think I’d be able to come into the office for a while today?”
His grin stretched wide. “Of course.”
When Georgia’s cry pierced the air, I flinched. I hoped that Mum and Dad didn’t notice and understand the real reason I wanted to go into the office for the day—for my first full day since I’d come back from the USA. If they pushed for a reason, I had the ready excuse of Bathurst preparation, especially considering we only had a little over a week before we needed to be heading towards that track to prepare for the big event.
“Pheebs . . .” Mum gave me a look that told me she was onto me as Dad went to grab Georgia. She trailed off before she said anything though.
“I’ve packed a bag too, and Beau’s going to take me to his place tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve spent time with Angel. At least without one of us having to act as a parent to everyone here.” Beau and I had spoken about it before going to bed the night before as I’d lain awake stressing.
“We haven’t really had a chance to say thank you to you both for everything you did for us these last few weeks.”
“It was nothing,” I said. Mostly that was true, but I was glad to be able to hand it back to Mum and Dad now that everyone was home safely.
“It wasn’t nothing. We owe you, Angel, and Beau so much.”
I gave her a weak smile as Dad passed Georgia to Mum. “I’ve changed her already, but she’s still fussing. I think she might be hungry.”
Mum wished Dad and me a good day and then headed back down to the bedroom with Georgia.
“Are you sure you want to spend the day at the office?” he asked.
Although I’d initially made the pla
n just to be away from the house, it also made sense in light of the things that were changing. “I need to. I can’t hide away forever, can I?”
“Let me know if you need to leave early, and I’ll give Beau an early mark too.”
I kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Dad.”
Surprisingly, the day wasn’t as terrible as I’d worried it might be. The most overwhelming thing was how many people wanted to talk to me. It’d been so long since I’d spent a solid length of time out of the house and unable to retreat to my room or some other safe space.
Anyone who hadn’t been at Sandown, and those who hadn’t had a chance to speak to me during the event, all wanted to talk to me. Instead of getting anything productive done, I spent most of the day bouncing from desk to desk and hiding in the toilet cubicle when it became too much, which was only a temporary escape.
The day was actually a great way to ease back into the office environment. Because everyone in the office was more or less aware of what had happened to me, they asked fewer questions and were more inclined to only approach me one at a time.
By the time Mum called to let me know the interview with Sunday at Six would be happening the next day, I discovered how much I’d actually missed most of the team. I’d spent so long focused on trying to hide away, that I’d achieved all the things Xavier had wanted for me. I’d become isolated and had distanced myself from so many people.
No more.
I couldn’t guarantee I’d be the person I once was, but I would make a stronger effort not to live my life so full of fear.
Near the end of the day, I was chatting with two of the girls in accounts about Beau—or more specifically swooning with them over his eyes, accent, and how sweet he was—when he found me.
“Speak of the devil,” I joked with a wink.
“Are ya ready to go home?”
I offered him my hand as I nodded.
The two girls giggled as they called out, “Have fun!”
Although their catcalling left my face burning and made my heart pound as I considered the intention behind the words, I could cope with it. At least, I could with Beau’s hand around mine.
When we arrived back at his place, Angel was in the kitchen cooking dinner.
She chuckled when Beau and I shared a look of confusion at the array of alcohol and chocolates on the kitchen table. “Apparently, your parents wanted to say thank you.”
“I told them they didn’t have to.”
“You know what they’re like,” Angel said.
Beau picked up the jumbo bottle of Fireball with a quizzical look on his face. He didn’t know what they were like—hadn’t experienced my parents’ particular brand of gratitude yet.
“They once shouted me backstage tickets to an Alphahole concert for helping Phoebe study.”
“It helped that Mum was working with the distributors on that one,” I said.
“It was still a hell of a night though. Do you remember the—” She cut off as her gaze fell on Beau. She stuck her tongue between her teeth as she no doubt recalled the arsehole who’d spent the better part of an hour convinced that Angel and I were going to have a threesome with him. Angel had drawn out the joke and the teasing for so long that even I had started to wonder whether she wasn’t joking.
“Remember the what?” Beau asked, his gaze travelling between us both.
“Never mind,” Angel said, laughing as she ducked her head.
I wasn’t sure if she hadn’t continued because she didn’t want to let Beau know what had happened, or because she thought it might cause me some issues. Either way, I was happy enough for her silence.
“What d’ya say to a toast?” Beau asked, cracking the lid on the Fireball.
“I say hell yeah.” Angel headed to the kitchen cabinets before returning with three glasses.
Beau poured a generous shot in each glass and handed one to each of us.
“To Australia, my new home and the place where I found love ag’in,” he toasted.
“To Georgia, the place where I found myself and also my baby sister,” I added.
“To Phoebe, may every day be more like today than your yesterdays,” Angel said.
We clinked our glasses together, and each downed our shot. As we did, I couldn’t help but reflect on Angel’s toast. It was the most I could hope for, and with her and Beau, as well as my family, on my side, I thought it might have been possible.
AFTER ANOTHER few rounds of whisky with dinner, the three of us watched a movie before Beau and I headed for a shower together. For the first time since being back home from Sandown, we reconnected with each other.
His lips found my skin and I relished every sensation he awoke in me. The desire I’d once thought impossible to feel any longer, raged within me. Face to face in the shower, I was able to enjoy every moment without feeling boxed in or suffering from flashbacks.
When he’d left me satiated and beyond words, Beau wrapped me in his bathrobe and led me to his room for round two.
His fingertips trailed my still damp skin as he pushed the robe away.
“I ain’t ever gonna take you for granted, darlin’. I want you to know that.”
At first, I was uncertain why he’d say such a thing at that moment. Then it struck, it was a safe way for him to declare his feelings. No doubt if I needed him to, he would find a hundred different ways to tell me he loved me without ever saying the words. In itself, that proved the truth in the things he said.
I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I feel the same way. I can’t imagine not having you in my life. Thank you for making me listen.”
He claimed my lips, and I gave myself to him freely.
Although my heart stuttered when he moved into place on top of me—his chest pressing against mine and blocking me in—I managed to stay present.
By the time we collapsed and fell asleep, I had to admit it was by far the best day I’d had in a long time.
OF COURSE, ONE good day couldn’t fix everything.
I woke a little after three in the morning with a blood-curdling scream on my lips. Beau had been curled around me, like so many nights before, but this time it was enough to trigger something inside of me, and all the nightmares returned.
After I had woken, and Beau called me back the way he could so well, I sobbed because no matter how many good days I had, no matter how much I thought I might have healed, it only took one little thing to send me hurtling back to the darkness.
As Beau rubbed my back, I worked to bring myself back from the edge.
Without warning, I spun in his arms and held onto him. “Thank you.”
He grinned at me through the dark, not needing to ask what I was thanking him for. He knew. He always knew.
“Are ya ready for this afternoon?”
My interview. It was something we’d mostly avoided talking about during the night. “I don’t know. As ready as I can be I guess.”
“What do you wanna do until then?”
I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Stay in bed with you?”
“Now I ain’t gonna complain about that plan.”
“Maybe a little bit of this,” I suggested, running my hand down over his side.
He gave a small hum of appreciation. “I definitely ain’t gonna complain about that.”
I cupped his arse and took a deep breath. As I spoke, I moved my hand over his thigh and towards his groin. “Maybe even a little—”
Out of instinct, he arched his hips towards me and his cock grazed my fingertips. I shoved him away and scuttled backwards. I still couldn’t hold him. The feel of him in my hands was too much. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t think of letting him near my mouth or for him to enter me from behind. They were things we’d done once upon a time, but things I couldn’t imagine doing again. It was impossible to say never because I’d already conquered so many little demons, but those fears weren’t little. The memories they wrought within me weren’t easily dismissed or put aside. They were the things that h
aunted me on my darkest days.
Flashes from the Polaroids went off behind my eyes as I pushed myself off the bed to curl into a ball on the floor.
“Darlin’. Darlin’. Dawson, look at me.” Beau’s voice called to me through the sea of red and black that had filled my head. “Come back to me, darlin’. It’s okay.”
I opened my eyes slowly to find him kneeling in front of me, his fingers extended as if waiting for permission to touch. At some point, he’d pulled on some boxers.
“It’s okay. You’re home,” he murmured as my sobbing grew and I found my way into his embrace.
“ARE YOU READY for this?” Mum asked. “It’s not too late to back out.”
I swallowed and nodded. “I need to do this.”
She walked off towards the producer to let them know I was ready to go.
And I was.
Mostly.
It was just that the makeup felt heavy on my face. It had been so long since I’d worn it.
Not since . . .
I froze as the thought struck me—and struck hard.
The last time I’d worn makeup so thick and heavy was the last time I’d been on camera. Back when I was her; the girl I used to be. That was the same day Xavier had drugged me and taken me back to his house.
The day everything changed, and the reason I even needed to be in the damn chair being interviewed again.
My hands shook.
Beau was at my side in an instant. “Are you okay, darlin’?”
“I can’t do this.” I was going to be sick. My chest tightened until I couldn’t get any oxygen. I needed to go outside and escape, but I was wired up and every eye in the place was trained on me. Despite wanting to bring Angel, she’d had something else she needed to do and couldn’t make it. There was only Beau to calm me. Beau and Mum. They’d have to do, but they weren’t enough. I needed to go home and stay there until we could reschedule on a day when Angel would be there. I reached for the mic to pull it off, certain it was impossible to continue.
Beau reached out for me, his fingers shaky as he telegraphed every tiny motion.
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 4