“That was a thing o’ beauty,” Beau murmured over the comms. “Ya did great.”
“Thanks. Anything I need to be concerned about?”
“There was a close call on corner one just behind ya, but the cars corrected before collidin’.”
“Good.” We’d already talked plans after it was decided I would definitely start the race and I was to drive hard enough to maintain our edge, but not so hard to risk any damage to the car. Bathurst was a race that could change in a heartbeat and unlike some of the shorter format races, leading early in the race meant jack shit to the final rankings. It was an event more about conservation of tyres and fuel and a game of chess-like tactics than a straight up race.
Hard to the left. Up Mountain Straight. Hard to the right. Through the cutting. Reid Park. Past McPhillamy.
Another couple of laps in and everything ran the way it was supposed to.
Despite only having raced in the 1000 once before, the task of running the familiar laps was so routine that after a few more had passed, my mind started to drift. It headed down dangerous paths. Not ones of nightmares, but ones that tempted me with the things I wanted more than anything else.
Would I give this all up for a chance at motherhood?
The answer came too easy.
As soon as it arrived, it dragged other stuff behind. Mostly the feeling that this wasn’t where I wanted to be. It was still the only job I had ever thought of having, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Was it fair to Beau to deny him the opportunity to drive at Bathurst the next year just to have him on the comms when this wasn’t even what I wanted anymore?
Was it even fair to take the spot on the team? Especially when other people relied on my performance. If I couldn’t do what I needed to, I could tank Steve’s last opportunity for a championship. It would cost Dad money and disappoint the sponsors.
Why was I in the car?
I didn’t deserve it. The only reason I was there was because of Dad, any other team owner would’ve abandoned me when I was broken, but Dad couldn’t do that because of our personal relationship. That was the one and only reason I was on the track. Memories of Bee’s voice rushed through my head, his voice cold and harsh as he spat his venom about Dad.
“You know you were never on the track because you’re special. You’re just a stupid little girl with an arsehole father. He stole the life I should’ve had, and then passed it on to you.”
A shiver raced through me, and my breathing pitched.
“How are ya doin’, Dawson?”
“How soon until I can come in?” My heart raced, and my hands shook. The pounding of my heart against my ribs thumped through my ears. As my breath sped, the car closed in around me. Every second I was on the track was one too many. With my defences lowered, darkness crept back in. I whimpered, and tears filled my eyes as I hit the Dipper.
He must have put his hand over the mic because the next sounds I heard were muffled and his words were unclear.
A moment later he spoke to me again, “D’ya need to come in?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I-I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed.”
“D’ya reckon you’ve got another twenty laps in ya?”
I was certain he was trying to get me to my minimum lap count, but the thought of being in the car that long sent me spiralling. It would take almost an hour to get there. I couldn’t do it, even with a pit stop somewhere between now and then, I couldn’t cope.
“I’m not going to lie, Beau, I’ve got the shakes, and my heart is racing.” Even as I said the words, the tremor in my fingers grew. I missed a gear and the car behind me took advantage, swinging wide around me to blitz past me.
“What’s wrong, darlin’?”
Everything bubbled harder through me. “I don’t know. I just—I-I can’t do this.”
“You’re capable.” He started the mantra, but it wasn’t going to be enough.
“No, Beau. No. That’s not what I need. I need to get out. I need to get off the track. I don’t belong here. I just don’t.” My voice pitched as I said the words. I wanted to climb from the car then and there.
“Breathe, Dawson. Just breathe.”
“Can I just bring her in?” The panic and hysteria rose within me. “Please?”
“We’ll get the pits ready. Steve is gettin’ set now. If ya can just give us one more lap, we’ll be ready for ya.”
I almost burst into tears at the confirmation I could get out of the car soon.
“Just take it easy round this last lap, won’t ya, darlin’?”
More than anything, I wanted to pull the car off the track right there and climb out—to be free of the stifling heat and tonne of metal pressing in on me from all angles.
I barely made it around the lap, and three more cars rushed by me. Each one sent my panic spiralling further and further out of control and drove my foot onto the brake pedal. “I can’t do this, Beau. I-I can’t.”
“Breathe. You can get through this.” Despite the calm he was trying to instil in me, I could hear the worry in Beau’s voice, and it sent my panic spiralling even further. “Ya got this.”
I couldn’t say anything to reassure him—didn’t know if I could speak anyway. I still had half a lap to go. My tears fell harder, and my fingers ached from the hold I had on the steering wheel.
I need to get out!
He continued to murmur reassurances as I cleared Conrod Straight.
“I’m coming through the Chase.” I used as much volume as I could muster with the screaming inside my head. “Please tell me you’re ready for me. Please.”
“We’re ready, darlin’, bring her in.”
“Thank God,” I murmured under my breath.
I lost another track position on the exit from the Chase. I was sinking faster than the Titanic. If I had been forced to stay in the car much longer, it was possible I’d be lapped within a dozen more laps.
Why had I thought I could do this?
As soon as I flicked on the speed limiter for pit lane, I was fighting against the harness to escape. I needed out. Needed to be free. It wasn’t fast enough. I couldn’t get out.
No sooner had I slammed on the brakes then the car was lifted by the hoist, and the door opened. I climbed out on legs that were beyond shaky. I wanted to collapse straight to the ground, to curl up into a ball where I stood, but somehow I retained control enough to clear the car and return to the shelter of the shed.
Dad stood watching the monitors and muttering into his headset. His jaw was so tight that his displeasure was clear. He was pissed at me for failing him. I dropped to the floor and drew my legs into my chest. I hadn’t even removed my helmet, didn’t think my fingers would work enough to do it.
“Goddammit!” Dad growled. He spun and his gaze fell on me. There were so many things hidden beneath his eyes. His brow furrowed and he turned away.
I closed my eyes as I understood I’d failed.
I’d failed him.
I’d failed the team.
Most of all, I’d failed myself.
I sobbed again. What sort of fucking professional was I? Crying on the floor in the middle of a busy pit.
Beau was in front of me a moment later. “It’s okay, darlin’. Ya did great out there.”
His fingers found the clasp on my helmet. Once it was off, he pushed my balaclava off and then pulled me into his hold.
“I failed. I failed everyone here, just like I failed our baby. All I do is fail. I don’t belong out there.”
“No one expects a miracle from ya. We all know how hard ya work to be out there.”
“I’m a laughing stock.”
“No. Not at all.”
“I’ve let Dad down.”
Beau gently guided me to my feet. “No. Ya haven’t. He knew the risks just like you did.”
“Why’s he so upset then?”
He caressed my chin. “I ain’t sure ya really wanna know.”
“It’s because of me, isn’t it?”
Beau’s expression told me all I needed to know. “Ya took your shoulder straps off a fraction too soon, that’s all, darlin’. We know it ain’t your fault though.”
“I couldn’t help it.” My tears started again. “I needed to get out of the car.”
“We know. That’s why your daddy ain’t upset with you.”
“How could he not be? I fucked up. I don’t belong out there.”
“Of course you do. You were doin’ great.” His hand found its way into my hair, and he guided me closer to him. I pressed my face against his chest and took a deep breath to calm myself. It didn’t work.
“Until I wasn’t.”
“Ya can’t be too hard on yourself. The last twelve months haven’t been easy on ya.” He pulled away from me and cupped my cheek again. “On any of us.”
It was crazy to think that twelve months earlier, Beau and I had been happy—even if we were stressed by the long distance relationship we were trying to maintain. Everything had changed since then.
“I wish I was still that girl. She wanted this more than anything.”
“Don’t ya still?”
I shook my head. “Not anymore. Now, I want . . .” I closed my eyes. What I wanted was impossible, and I needed to remember that.
“What d’ya want?”
My lip quivered. “I want the life we could’ve had if I hadn’t lost our baby.” It hurt to admit that to him, but once I had the words spilt from me without stopping. “Maybe it would’ve been impossible to carry to term, but I want that life. I want it more than being on the track. Out there, I don’t have the passion I used to. I just can’t care about it the way I did. And it sucks because I want to. I want to love it, but I don’t know how anymore. I thought I was getting better, but I’m not. I’m just as screwed up as ever.”
He wrapped his hand around mine. “Come with me.”
He led me over to the bank of monitors. After slipping on his headset, he offered me one of the spares so I could listen in on the conversation.
“—coming in this lap.” I caught the end of Steve’s statement.
Dad confirmed whatever decision Steve had made, and then let him know Beau was back on the mic before turning his microphone off.
“How are you going, sweetheart?” His brow dipped, and his eyes softened as he looked at me.
“What’s happening?” I asked, worried that Dad’s anger bubbled just beneath his worry.
He didn’t need to answer me though because I saw the note on the screen. The officials had given a drive-through penalty on my car. It must have been the result of my early escape attempts.
“I’m sorry,” I said to my shoes, hoping Dad would understand the apology was meant for him.
“No. I’m sorry. I should never have had you start the race.”
“I’ll have to next year though, just like you said.”
“That’s next year. This is your second meet back in the car. You’ve been making so much progress lately. I guess it was easy to believe things were better.”
“You’re not disappointed in me?”
“Of course not. All we want from you is the most you can give. And you’ve done that, baby girl.”
Letting his words wash over me, I was able to stow some of the emotions racing through me. Beau’s hand found my waist and he pulled me closer to him while he watched the race progress and guided Steve. A little under a minute later, Steve pulled into the pits and drove the length on the speed limiter—taking the penalty I had earned us.
“Okay, let’s get some good laps in,” Dad instructed Beau before turning back to me. “How are you feeling?”
I shrugged.
“I would say go relax we’ve got this, but you haven’t done your minimum laps yet.”
I swallowed hard because I’d known it was coming. I’d barely been on the track for half the minimum requirement. It meant I either had to get back out in the car at some point or we’d have to forfeit the race—and the championship points. “Can you give me as long as possible?”
“I can give you a couple of hours, and keep Steve out as long as possible, but it means . . .” His mouth twisted as he trailed off. I was certain whatever he was going to say wasn’t going to be good. “It’ll mean you have to finish the race.”
A cold shiver ran over me. Beau’s hand rubbed my hip soothingly in response.
“I can get Steve in sooner if you think it’ll be easier. It’ll mean we’ll swap twice more like we originally planned. But if you need a good break, you’ll have to finish the race.”
I steeled myself and thought about the different options. “Give me as long as you can, and I’ll finish.”
It was possible I’d regret the choice, but I’d made it now, and there wasn’t any going back.
AFTER CONFIRMING I’D get back in the car as late in the race as I could, I went in search of Angel. If she saw any of the disaster that was my last few laps, she’d be anxious for me. While I walked, I pulled off the top half of my race suit to cool down.
As I’d suspected, Angel was pacing back and forth in a little area at the back of the pit.
“Oh God,” she muttered. With one look at my face, she charged over to me. “How are you going?”
“Not good,” I confirmed, letting her wrap her arms around me. “But I’ve got to get my head back in the game for the next stint.”
She released me from her hold and took a seat a short distance away. “They’re not going to make you go back out today, are they?”
“They don’t really have a choice. The rules are the rules. I need to do at least fifty-four laps. I’ve got another twenty or so to go.”
“And if you don’t?”
“Then they might as well bring the car in now and save the fuel and tyres for the next event.”
“That sucks.”
I shrugged. “Yeah.”
“What happened?”
I tapped my forehead. “Too much up here still. I just can’t turn it off.”
“But you started so well.”
I laughed sardonically because she was right. If anyone had asked me in that first lap, I would’ve told them I was going to have a great race based on the start. “Yeah, but I also had a lot of things I needed to focus on. If I didn’t get away cleanly, I would’ve crashed. I had to focus on the race; there wasn’t time for anything else.”
Her mouth split into a wide grin. “So that’s your answer.”
“I don’t follow.”
“You’ve got too much going on in your head, right?”
“Uh huh.” I prompted her to continue.
“But when you have to focus on something because it will be dangerous not to, then you can quieten it.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So that’s your answer. Turn every lap into the most important one of the race.”
“But it’s not like that here. It’s important to keep a good position of course, but there’s no point battling every lap when so much can change in an instant.”
Her grin was so wide it must have hurt. “Make it a point.”
I tried to follow her logic, and as I did, I saw there was a lot of merit in what she’d said. If every lap became the biggest challenge in the race, I would have to focus constantly. There wouldn’t be time to let fears, regrets, or any of the other stuff fill my mind. It would be an exhausting strategy, but it could be a successful one.
“Angel, you’re a genius.”
She looked like a puppy waiting for a treat as she stared at me.
“Every lap of every race needs to be about getting to position one. No matter what.”
“What about when you’re in first?”
“Then it’s gotta be about lapping the person in last.” I laughed as her eyes widened at my statement. “Hey, it’s your suggestion.”
She grinned at me. “I’ve created a madwoman.”
I rested my head on her shoulder. “I think you might have, but it just might be enough to get me through too.�
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“Does what happened today change your plan for next year?”
“I don’t know. I think I need to put some more thought into it though. Not that I have that much time. How will Dad be able to replace me if I back out now?”
“I’m sure he’d find someone.” The way she spoke it was as if she knew something I didn’t.
“You sound very sure of that.”
She grimaced. “No. I . . . Forget about it.”
“I can’t just forget it. What do you know?”
Her gaze travelled to where Beau and Dad stood and then back to me. She twisted her mouth. “I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”
Was this the secret they’d been discussing in the car when they’d thought I was asleep. “Angel . . . please? If there’s something going on, I need to know.”
“There’s nothing really.” She assessed me a little longer and then sighed. “It’s just something Beau mentioned a little while ago because he needed to talk to someone.”
I clenched my teeth. Why had he confided in her and not me?
“Your dad spoke to him about next year, asking whether he’d be interested in taking control of the car if you weren’t able to do it.”
“Dad’s going to put Beau in the ProV8?”
“Only if you can’t.”
“Why wouldn’t Beau want to tell me that Dad had asked him that?” I paced away from Angel.
She glanced towards the place Beau stood feeding instructions through the comms. “He didn’t want to be the reason you’re not in the car.”
“What?”
“He thinks that if you knew it was an option, you’d walk away from this career for him.”
“Of course I would. If I thought it was an option, I would’ve told Dad to put him in the car weeks ago.”
“Exactly. No one wants to see you walk away from your dream on a whim.”
“I’d walk away if it would keep Beau happy because he’s my dream now.”
She drew away from me. “You know I never thought I’d see the day where a man was the most important thing in your world.” She stared down at her hands. “You’ve always made fun of people who make their relationships their entire world.”
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 7