“Selfish of you?” Our night around the Lake Retreat’s bonfire in Georgia sprung to mind. Beau had accused me then of stringing her along. Even after just a few days, he’d seen what I couldn’t—knew what I didn’t. I’d never meant to hurt her, and yet I’d done exactly that by insisting we remain friends forever.
And yet she was the one claiming to be selfish.
“I had insider knowledge I should’ve shared. All this time, we’ve agreed to leave no shit between us, and yet I was hiding this from you the best I could.”
I wondered whether I had always known but was unable to admit it to myself. One question leapt to the front of my mind, eclipsing all the others. “But then why did you stop?”
She quirked her brow.
“Back in high school, you were the one to stop it. You said the fantasy didn’t meet the reality.”
She shook her head and laughed. “That . . . it was nothing. I was a stupid kid.”
There was something more she wasn’t admitting to, but I didn’t feel I could push her. Not straight away at least. Not while my mind was still reeling from the revelations so far. Would I ever get the chance to ask?
She dropped her hand away from me and took a step backwards. Her hand came to rest around her wrist again, and she bit her lip as she stared at me. Outside, there was a blast of a horn. No doubt an arrival announcement from her taxi driver.
“Well, I guess this is goodbye.” She tried to sound nonchalant, but the way her voice cracked at the end proved she was anything but.
It sounded like she was walking away for good, and I couldn’t let her. I was the selfish one, I’d proven that time and again, but despite acknowledging that fact, I couldn’t let her go. Not even after her revelation. Even if it would hurt us both, I needed her in my life. “This isn’t the end of us, Angel.”
Fresh tears flooded her eyes. “Why not?”
My voice quivered and shook as I spoke. “Because it can’t be.”
“It has to be.” She brushed down the hair at the side of my head where her hand had caressed me. Her gaze remained fixed on that spot as she spoke. “Let me go, Pheebs. Please?”
“Only if you promise this isn’t the end. I can’t do my life without you in it.”
“And I used to believe that was true.” She pressed the heel of her palms against her eyes before taking a blind step towards the exit. “But I know better now. It’s like you said at Sandown. You’re strong enough to get by. I’ve been the weak one, unable to walk away. And now I need to. You have Beau, and he’s what you need.”
“I need you too!” I shouted as I reached for her. When she didn’t resist, I drew her into my embrace and held on for dear life. “I’m sorry that I can’t love you the same way, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I-I can’t lose you.”
Although she didn’t resist my embrace, she didn’t hold me in return either.
“A wise young woman once said to me that I should learn when to leave toxic situations behind.” Her lips were beside my ear, and when she spoke, the words reached down to pierce deep into my heart.
They were my words. Ones I’d used to try to convince her to move out of her mother’s house.
“This is toxic for me,” she continued in a voice more firm than tear-strained. It was a tone I knew well. She’d already made up her mind, and nothing I could say would change it. She withdrew from my embrace and stepped closer to the door. “I’m drowning here, and I’m the only one who can rescue me.”
I wanted to beg her to stay again. The request bubbled in my throat, desperate to be free. It would be selfish to ask that though. If I was to use her emotions against her to manipulate her into staying, I wasn’t any better than her mother. Instead, I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around myself. “I won’t stop you from leaving, Angel, but please promise you’ll keep in touch? When you’re ready, I mean.”
She sighed. “I can’t deny you anything, girlie. So maybe one day. Just give me time to find me again first, okay?”
“Wait!” I called after her as I followed her footsteps as she made for the door.
She spun back around.
“You said you were watching the person you love be with your best friend. Does that mean I’ve lost my status? Am I not your best friend anymore?” She and Beau had grown so close after everything that had happened, but I hadn’t realised she thought of him that way.
“You, my dear, are something so much greater than a best friend. And you always have been. That’s why it’s time for me to go.” She didn’t wait for me to say anything more, just grabbed her suitcases and rushed to the taxi.
I was strong just long enough to watch the orange car disappear from sight. Then I fell to the floor in a puddle of tears. Despite everything that had happened to me, losing my Angel—my lifeline for so many years—was one blow too many.
WHEN HE RETURNED some time later, Beau found me in the open doorway, curled into the foetal position. In confirmation that he was aware of Angel’s plan—proof of her words that he had replaced me as her best friend at some point over the last year—he didn’t ask what was wrong or plead for any information about why I was in tears. Instead, he simply waited for permission to hold me and then lifted me into his arms. Kicking the door shut behind him, he carried me to the sofa.
“She was in love with me,” I said when I could finally speak.
“I know.”
“For years, I’ve been stringing her along, just like you accused me of doing.” I disintegrated into tears again. “I’m such a fucking bitch.”
“No, darlin’. She wanted to be near you. She chose to be at your side, even feeling the way she did.”
“But now I’ve driven her away. We both have.”
He brushed his hand over my hair. “I don’t believe she’s gone for good.”
“How can you say that? She seemed pretty determined when she left.”
“I can say it because she loves ya like I do.”
His statement, meant to be reassuring, cut deep.
“D’ya remember the night everything came out between you and me? Back in Georgia?”
It was all right there in my mind. The bonfire. His songs. Me running from the emotion in his words. Our fight and the revelations we’d shared.
“That night, Angel compared ya to the sun.”
I nodded and curled inward. “Because I burn everyone who comes near me.”
“It ain’t like that.”
I pulled back to glare at him. Angel had said that night that the burn was worth it.
“’Sides it’s the best burn ya could ever imagine. But it’s more than that.”
Sniffing to fight to stop my tears, I sat a little straighter in his arms. “What do you mean?”
He stared off into the distance. “It’s hard to put into words. But you’ve got this quality that’s hard to ignore. Even when you’re closed off—eclipsed by the fear and sorrow—it’s only ever hidden. It ain’t ever completely gone. And that quality gives off something akin to gravity. People can’t help but be drawn to ya, darlin’.”
“Until I burn them and send them away.” Despite needing the comfort of his embrace, I pushed myself off his lap. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”
Without waiting for a response, I walked over to get the keys to my bike.
“Darlin’, are ya—”
I held up my hand to silence him. “I’m sorry, but I need this.”
With a nod, he showed he understood.
“Just take your cell for my sake,” he said.
I slid my mobile out of my pocket to check that I had enough batteries to last a while and then left the house.
There were so many things I could’ve been pissed about. Angel’s admission of her feelings in such an abrupt and final fashion. The knowledge that Beau had replaced me as her closest friend. Their obvious conspiring behind my back. Beau’s prior knowledge of what was coming, and the fact that he hadn’t warned me what to expect—not that he’d bre
ak anyone’s trust that way.
Yet, as I found my way to my bike, I wasn’t overwhelmed with rage. Instead, the agony deep in my bones was all born from sorrow and loss. I’d known things were changing and had thought myself powerless to stop them. Maybe I was, but that didn’t stop the ache. It was as if I was missing a limb, only the sting covered my whole body.
I’d lost one of the most important people in my life.
The bastards had won.
When I hit the throttle and pulled out of our driveway, I had no idea where I wanted to be. I just needed something to replace the numbness spreading through my limbs. I blasted around the streets. Before I knew it, I was in front of Angel’s mum’s house.
As I planted my feet on the road, I stared at the building in front of me. I had so many memories of that place, both good and bad. The first time I’d met Angel’s mum, Lydia, I’d thought her brave for raising her daughter on her own. In the two of them, I saw the life Mum and I might have had if things had been different. Having just escaped my house after an argument with Brock, and a morning of Beth copying my every action, there was a moment where I actually wished that our lives had gone that way. Looking back, I could barely acknowledge those thoughts, but I was young and stupid and didn’t really appreciate what a gift my family was.
The second time I met Angel’s mum, she was having one of her “fits.” Mum had taken Angel and me to the movies, and we were dropping Angel back home. As was our custom, I’d walked Angel up the path so we could spend every last second together. Lydia had come to the door smelling of alcohol, cigarettes, and piss, screaming about how her “dyke” daughter was a disappointment and the reason Angel’s father left.
I’d only had to look at Mum with an expression of horror for her to charge out of the car, shoo both Angel and me away, and give Lydia a well-deserved verbal spray.
Mum and Dad had practically decided that night that they were willing to take Angel in for as long as they needed to keep her safe and happy. However, the next morning Lydia had called, full of apologies and excuses, and Angel had gone straight back—starved for even a tiny bit of the affection her mother withheld.
Had I become just as bad as that bitch? Was I a toxic influence Angel needed to escape? Her words seemed to suggest so.
When the shutters on the house flickered, indicating someone was inside and aware I was there, I started my bike again. There was no point trying to have a conversation with whoever had seen me. If it were Lydia, I would only get into an argument that I didn’t have the strength to have. If it was Angel, if she’d gone home to say goodbye to her Mum before heading off on her new adventure, I didn’t want to force myself into her life when she’d made it clear she didn’t want me there.
I rode past the school we’d spent years at together. Then the industrial estate where we’d partied while we were still in high school. I reached the place where Logan’s Commodore had been parked when Angel and I had shared our first kiss.
That was the place where my tears grew too thick to continue. I parked my bike and wandered across to find a seat on the kerb. Memories swirled around me of the nights with bonfires set in huge metal drums. Clandestine alcohol and cigarettes. Never for me, but they were always in constant supply at the parties.
I scuffed my shoe against the road and bowed my head in recognition of the change in our relationship. How was I going to survive losing her?
She’d promised me that it wouldn’t be the end, but it was clearly a platitude to make me let go.
I pulled out my mobile phone and scrolled through my contacts. The problem was the only person who I would usually go to about such a heartbreak was the person who’d left me aching. Instead, I pulled up my Facebook and went through the photos of Angel and me.
Just like I’d seen in photos of myself from before and after Xavier and Bee, the sparkle in Angel’s gaze had slowly died over the last twelve months. I’d killed it.
I wanted so badly to call her and apologise all over again, tell her it would be easier—that I would be better—but it would be a lie. I was broken now, and I only broke people because of it. Jumping on to her Facebook page to see the photos she had shared, I couldn’t find her profile.
She’d blocked me.
My vision blurred as my tears grew again.
While I sat staring at my phone for minutes uncounted, the screen lit up. The fact that it was a private number didn’t register. Half of me was certain it was Angel, calling after changing her mind.
“Angel?” I sobbed.
“What?” A female voice I didn’t recognise questioned.
I couldn’t be certain, but I thought it might have been the same woman who’d called before. “Who is this?”
“You don’t know me, we’ve only met once, but I need to talk to you.”
“Not until you tell me who the hell you are and why the fuck you’ve been calling me so much.”
“I promise, I’ll explain everything if you let me.”
Any other day, I would have told her to fuck off again, but after losing my Angel, I didn’t have the resistance. “Start with your name.”
“It’s Veronica.”
“Veronica Hancock?” The name was familiar enough to me after the card she’d given me at Sandown and the messages when I was still at Mum and Dad’s house. “How did you get my number?”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“It does. This number is private and very few people have it.”
“I’ll answer all of your questions, I swear, but can we please meet up?”
“I don’t—”
“Please? I’m in Queensland for the next week. Can we just have coffee? Something. Anything. I just need to talk to your dad, but if that means explaining everything to you, I’m willing to do that. I think you’re the one person who should understand wanting to clear the air.”
“First you have to tell me why you’ve been stalking me and Dad though.”
“I haven’t. I mean, I haven’t meant to. I just want him to listen to me.”
“And what would you want to say to him if he listened?”
“Please, can we just meet? I’d prefer not to discuss this over the phone. It might be . . . a little hard for you to understand without seeing the proof I have.”
I glanced around the empty space and thought about Beau. If I was going to meet this Veronica chick, I wasn’t going to do it alone. I’d have to go back and get him. Would he be willing to go with me? If I wanted to do it, today was the best because Beau was already out of work. I was already at my limit, but I needed someone to take my hurt out on. It was also an opportunity to see how badly she wanted to meet. “Are you free now?”
“Yes.” The word leapt down the phone line.
We arranged a meeting place a little way away from home. A small cafe. “Text me your number, so I can call if I have any problems.” It would also give me a phone number to pass onto the police if I needed to.
After I’d hung up, I climbed on my bike and blasted my way home. It might have been a bad idea pushing my limits in such a way, but my only other choice was to fall into a heap. I couldn’t do that.
When I got home and told Beau what I’d arranged, he was a little sceptical. “Ya know I’ll support ya, but your dad didn’t wanna meet her. Maybe he has a good reason.”
“I’ve got to find out.”
“Even if that means goin’ behind ya daddy’s back?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’re sure you’re up for it today?”
“My only other option is to curl up in bed and cry. Which is the bigger insult to what I shared with her?” Tears welled in my eyes again, but I swatted them away with my thumbs. “Now, are you coming with me, or not?”
“Course, darlin’.”
“We’re taking my bike.” I used a tone that left no room for arguments. For the moment, I needed to be in control of something.
Beau didn’t argue that decision, but I questioned the merits of it when I wa
ited for him to climb in behind me. The position was too reminiscent of Bee pressed against my back.
It was clear Beau had anticipated my worries when his hands rested beside mine on the grips.
“Are ya ready, Dawson?” he asked. “This is just like our ride through Sacramento. Ya remember that night, don’t ya?”
I closed my eyes and let that ride fill my head. I’d been so determined to show him my prowess on the bike, and he’d been the perfect passenger. With those images set, I nodded and his arms wrapped around my waist.
“Stunnin’,” he murmured as he held tight.
Before there was any possibility of his position sending me into a spiral, I took off. Little things like this could help in the long term. At least I could only hope they would.
It was only when I hit the highway that I realised Beau was willingly putting his life in my hands without question or doubt. He knew I would do what I could to keep him safe. It made me determined to do the same with the few requests he made of me. I’d go to the US with him, for him. I couldn’t have my selfishness make our relationship one-sided and end with him leaving me too. I wouldn’t cope with losing him as well as Angel.
AN HOUR LATER, we were at Surfer’s Paradise sitting side by side in a booth at the far corner of a cafe. Beau held my hand as we sat as far away from the street—and other people—as possible, waiting for Veronica to show. I wasn’t sure I’d even remember what she looked like, but I’d deal with that when it came up. I was certain she would recognise me anyway.
My hot chocolate rested in front of me—untouched because of the queasiness churning my stomach. Between the situation, Angel, being out in public in general, and the mess in my head, I was barely holding it together.
“I want to go to the States with you,” I said to Beau to give me another thing to focus on. My plan for getting through the day would just have to become like my racing plan—always focusing on something else, or I would fall to pieces.
He beamed before tampering it back down as if doubtful of my words. “Are ya sure? Just the other—”
I held up my hand. “You’ve given up so much for me. I want to do this. If we can go in August, I’ll go with you.”
Phantom (Phoebe Reede: The Untold Story #5) Page 12